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Searching for Halfthoughts

Miserypuss Rupert Murdoch may have decided that deindexing his news content from Google may be good for business, but it would be terrible for Halfthoughts. Whatever people are searching for in life, or at least on the web, a surprising number of them find themselves being pointed the way of this website. Heck knows if they are satisfied but what they find here, but I thought I would share some of the highlights from the public’s searches. Even without Murdoch, Google can send people to over 1,000,000,000 webpages – that is a trillion to those of you who could not keep tracks of the zeroes. Obviously a trillion is not enough unless Halfthoughts is one of them, judged by the wacky search strings that lead people here…

“Poem about being 30”

Entering the third decade leads to a downturn in the prosaic? There are some lyrical consolations for those that turn 30 here.

“Stephen Hawking voice simulator”

Stephen Hawking is so cool, that all the kids want to sound like him. That, or they just want a share of his lucrative voiceover revenues. The readers who came here did not find out much about the NeoSpeech product that Hawking uses, but they did find this.

“Harry Hill beds beds beds”

I am not alone in remembering possibly the longest gag that comedian Harry Hill has ever told. But as the joke revolves around the simple idea of two competing bed shops, each one taking turns to add another word ‘beds’ to their shop’s name, so that ‘beds beds beds’ becomes ‘beds beds beds beds’ becomes ‘beds beds beds beds beds’ and so forth, what did they want from me? The punchline? I remember it well: ‘what a ridiculous situation to find yourself in’. A bit like the situation when people register web domains like www.wwwwwwwww.com

“Bora Bodur”

Misspelling the name of Borobudur, the Buddhist monument in Java, leads the unwary to one of the comic characters in my series of Star Wars spin-offs

“bananasplits.com”

If it is not odd enough that people search for a website instead of just going straight to the URL, it is even odder that people looking for a web dose of the Banana Splits’ mayhem end up at Halfthoughts instead.

“Isobel McKendry”

Presumably I am not alone in wanting to get in touch with the Head of Service at internet bank ‘Intelligent Finance’.

“Let em all go to hell except Cave 76”

Searching for this line from a classic Mel Brooks comedy routine will take the unwary to my very first Halfthought.

“Probability of navigating an asteroid field”

Google points people at another one of my parallel universe Star Wars episodes. The real question is who tries to plan their space journey by raking through the internet?

“World without porn”

Whatever this person was looking for, they will not find it on the world wide web. Rather the opposite. But at least there is no porn on my site. For some reason, readers have never asked for me to post shots of myself in revealing poses.

“Actors that run”

Clearly there is a need for a resource that analyses how well actors run, because actors can act, and they can run, but they cannot hide from how bad they run. This was my breakdown of the best and worst running jokes in acting.

“Did King John sign the Magna Carta mostly because he agreed with it, wanted the barons to stop moaning or did he want to make a date in history?”

That this question generated a hit for Halfthoughts should prove the site deals with the really serious academic questions, as well as what actors look like when they run.

“The Official Report, House of Commons (5th series), 11 November 1947, vol. 444, cc. 206–07.”

Hmmm… I hope they did not confuse Halfthoughts with the parliamentary report they were looking for. Halfthoughts should be taken seriously sometimes. Official reports, in contrast, tend to be works of fiction.

“What if vampires were real?

Whilst you might be amused by my alternative to Vampire folklore the answer to this question is obvious. If vampires were real, they would have their own website and a vampire FAQ.

“Do women objectify men because they like their personality?”

I do not think this question is answered anywhere in Halfthoughts, so let me answer it here. No. They objectify men because they like their firm butts.

“How long would I live if zombies were real?”

A peculiar question if ever there was one. It depends on cholesterol levels, diet, family history of heart disease, whether you look both ways when crossing the road, and if the zombies think you are tasty. My advice would be to turn down offers from zombies wanting to give a massage using olive oil.

“How to draw a charlatan”

Another peculiar query. Just sketch any mainstream celeb claiming they designed their own range of clothes, wrote their own novel, created their own perfume or even gave an interview without twelve handlers lurking behind the scenes.

“What do we have too much of?”

There are lots of right answers to this question, but you cannot have too much of Halfthoughts!

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