Home Blog Page 35

Pirate Treasurers (and other absurdities)

The world is absurd, of course. I am trying to re-read Camus’ The Myth of Sisyphus, in which he deals head-on with the big question of whether you should or should not commit suicide in this absurd world. As essays go, the conclusion is hardly a nail biter. Camus lived all the way through from writing the first word to writing the last word, so even without reading the essay you know what his conclusion is going to be. In that sense, reading it is about as suspenseful as watching one of those US television serials where an important and popular permanent character suffers a terrible accident that threatens to kill them at the start of an episode. By the end of the show, somebody else will have devised a clever way of saving the stricken character. By the start of the next show, the temporary invalid will be back to full health and completely rehabilitated. So we know that Camus thought we should go on living and doing things, even if he also thought all the reasons for living and doing things are absurd.

I am as inclined to absurdity as the next man. In fact, probably more so, unless the next man is Sacha Baron Cohen in which case I defer to his genius for the absurd. You could regard Sacha Baron Cohen as living proof that Buddhism is in error. If a Jewish comedian leading a hillbilly audience in a sing-a-long of “Throw the Jew Down the Well” is not instant nirvana, I do not know what is. Gautama Buddhaa may have starved and meditated for many a year in order to attain enlightenment, but Baron Cohen turned enlightenment into light entertainment. But after Baron Cohen, Camus and the Supreme Buddha, I feel pretty confident of ranking myself as somebody who thinks life is absurd and its purpose is mysterious. Which, as Wittgenstein might have pointed out, does not help much when deciding what groceries to buy from the supermarket, or whether to spend my Saturday morning writing a blog or doing something which, at face value, might seem equally absurd.

Being an idealist-realist-cynic-romantic in the Humphrey Bogart vein, I often find myself doing things that I know are emotionally and intellectually right on one level, but which I feel are silly and pointless on another level. But then I console myself that Bogart was very popular, so perhaps it is okay to leave some feelings unreconciled. Instead of writing this blog, I should be filling out a form from the co-operative bank (which leads me to notice that they too have joined the cummings-esque craze for dispensing with capitals). I need to fill out the form because, in all likelihood, I will soon be the Pirate Treasurer, by which I mean I will be Treasurer of the Pirate Party UK (although more probably GB, but let us not get into that now). Assuming the role of national Treasurer for a political party has caught me by surprise as much as anyone else, not least because only a month ago I was unaware of the party’s existence. Or, to be precise, I was unaware of the party’s pre-existent intention to imminently come into existence, which hopefully it soon will. It is all the fault of the European elections, and for my web browsing habits, as I could not help myself when seeing the Swedish Pirate Party had won a sear in those elections, and I was curious to see what similar things were happening in my homeland. Perhaps if I had been working, instead of indulging one of my inter-working ‘rest’ periods, I would not have had time to find out more and hence would never have offered to be Treasurer, but I was not, so I did, and soon I will be.

On mentioning my aspiration to be Pirate Treasurer, most sane friends have commented on the name of the party. I like it, not least because of its absurdity. Check out the Electoral Commission’s register of political parties and there are no end of parties calling themselves the People’s this-and-that, National such-and-such or Independent bing-bang-bosh. No Pirate Parties though, which gives us a huge and enormous advantage in having a memorable and unique name. Of course, most people think Pirates are characters like Long John Silver or Captain Hook, which is none too helpful. Associations with Somalian hijackers of container ships are also unfortunate. Taking my queue from the absurdities of political semantics and the gay pride movement in particular, I started rationalizing to my friends that we Pirates are ‘taking back’ the name from the people who use it to oppress us.

Who were the great British pirates of history? They were people like Sir Francis Drake. He stole from the Spanish, but they were a corrupt bunch of buggers who were exploiting the natives in the Americas, so his stealing and robbing was actually a good thing. The British establishment thought of it as a kind of high-risk enterprise on the high seas. Captains were small businessmen and their crew were profit-incentivized stakeholders. So long as they stuck to stealing from Britain’s enemy, Spain, they were called privateers, not pirates. Privateering was private enterprise, not a public ill. Given that Britain was at war Spain, and that the Spanish had all the loot worth stealing, it was a win-win for Queen Elizabeth I’s government to sanction theft from its enemies, and for the thieves to be rewarded with titles and honours. Plus the pirate-privateers proved very handy when the Spanish Armada came to invade Britain, as their skillful skulduggery saved the day.

So you see, pirates are really very good to have around, when circumstances require people with a more adventurous, unorthodox, independent and rebellious streak to their nature. I do not know my mizzen mast from my poop deck, but I do know that now is the time for a few people of piratical instincts. In an absurd world, we crave money and possessions above all other things, to the point where many of us have become indentured slaves to the legal persons we created. By legal persons I am referring to the legal personage of an incorporated business. Big companies have become so important that, although they are the immaterial inventions of human minds, we owe them money, are controlled by them, and are incapable of stopping the harm they cause. When these companies behave badly, they go unpunished. They are instead rewarded with gifts of money taken from real people, because we cannot live without them any more. When these companies destroy our confidence in the fiction of money, we solve the problem with quantitative easing, a fancy name for a process where a man in the Bank of England presses a button on a computer, and hence magically increases the amount of money the Bank of England says it has. Piling absurdity upon absurdity, the legal fiction of a company can own and exploit the legal fiction of a possession, in order to extort real money from real people. These possessions are so expensive to own and exploit that real people cannot afford to own or exploit them, even though real people are needed to create them. Of course, I am talking about so-called ‘intellectual property’. At the summit of the pyramid of absurdity, the legal fiction of a company will complain about losing some of the legal fiction of money for things they did not sell and would never have sold, because real people used some ‘intellectual property’ without asking for permission or offering payment. This intellectual property is made from the same thin air as used to make money and make laws, yet to some people it is more real than the real suffering of real people all over this world. In this world, poor people suffer. They suffer because of the lack of cheap drugs, because of the premium that must be paid for intellectual property. They suffer when they are economically exploited by the wealthy nations that own all this so-called property. Now is the time for some good, old-fashioned real people to stand up to all this corrupting nonsense. If they get called pirates, so be it. Pirates are not just works of fiction. Real pirates were real heroes. We need some heroes to launch a broadside on this tyranny of legal fantasies and the deadly, dehumanizing devastation they cause.

People used to believe the world was full of spirits. I think they still do. Animism is the proto-religion where stones, the sun, the rivers and the natural world is full of spiritual life. We stopped believing stones have spirits, but whilst our intellects have developed, our instincts take longer to evolve, and lag behind. Now, our instincts tell us that everything must have a legal underpinning if it is to exist. We can barely imagine what it means for something to exist, without first knowing what its legal status is. Legality has become the immaterial fabric which supplanted spirituality. Without legality, we feel like the universe will tear itself apart, as we face an abyss of meaninglessness. The law has become our comforter, solving Camus’ problems by reducing every question to one of what the law says is right or wrong, exists or does not exist. Our ontology is a list in a law book. Our ethics are the distribution of justice in terms of penalties and compensations handed out by our courts. Our philosophy of science is to have blind faith in legal institutions.

I, like everybody else, am afflicted by the delusion that laws exist. Responsibilities tend to force you to think clearly about things, and recently I had to think clearly about the question: ‘what is a political party’? I know what a registered political party is, and recently I have been reading the laws regarding registration in order to aid the registration of the Pirate Party. But what is a political party, without registration? Does it exist? Can it do things? Can it own things? These have been questions in my mind. Now, I feel quite stupid and ashamed for wondering about such silly things. My first good answer was to think that political parties are unincorporated associations. In short, they are not separate legal persons from their members, but they are governed by an agreement between its members. That answer is a good and correct answer, and befits someone like me with professional training. But really that answer is a fancy way of saying a political party is something that a group of people decide to do collectively. Suddenly all the mystique disappears, and I am confronted with the crushing banality that comes hand-in-hand with absurdity. If a group of people decide to do something, they decide to do something. Everything else is detail. The same is true whether we talk about political parties, or governments, or laws. Everything comes back to us all making collective decisions. The greatest trick played on mankind was convincing mankind that something greater than mankind exists. I blame animism, or whatever instinct causes us to ascribe causes to non-existent powers. All we have done, in our clever, modern way, is to transplant that fantasy to laws and business and money and government and all the other human inventions that we allowed to become our masters when they should always have remained our servants.

Pirates were not immoral people. Obeying the law and doing the morally right thing are not the same. Sometimes they coincide, at other times they are in opposition. Real pirates often ran their ships in very democratic fashion, as might be expected when you realize that there is no greater legal force that will hunt down and punish the mutineers if they get fed up with the captain and throw him overboard. Pirates were often lawbreakers, unless their actions were convenient to the lawmakers and hence they were rebranded as privateers. Sometimes breaking the law is necessary, to do the right thing. It turns out that now, increasingly, the law is bad, and needs to be changed. However, it is upheld by corrupt people who profit from the law. Just like slave traders and slave owners saw no advantage from prohibiting slavery, our corrupt rulers and corrupt business leaders see no advantage in changing the thoroughly rotten way our world economy controls and exploits us. Did you notice my slip up in my last sentence? Again, I was caught by the delusion that the law is real. Slavery cannot be prohibited because there is no thing in the real world which you can point at and say “this is what it means for a man to own another man”. Slavery can only be repealed. There were corrupt and unjust laws that said one man could buy, sell, and own another man. We stopped using those laws. We stopped following them. We stopped accepting them. We did away with a bad fiction that had terrible consequences for real people. We need to do the same again, to our companies, to our markets, to our money, and to our property. We must reform these legal fictions so they serve people, instead of enslaving them. Pirates were free, in a very true sense of the word. We need that sense of pirate freedom to liberate us all. The alternative, as Camus might have pointed out, is to imbibe the anesthesia served to us by all our legal fictions, and sleepwalk our way to our deaths.

I have been listening to the BBC Reith Lectures recently. In them, Professor Michael Sandel talks on the theme of ‘A New Politics of the Common Good’. He raises good questions, but often stops short of giving good answers. Such is the problem of unpacking a complicated topic of how to live a good life, when there are evidently many competing interests in what is good, and who gets what. One lecture, however, had particular relevant for my personal struggles with the absurdity of the intangible forces that now seemingly govern all human life. Amongst other things Sandel’s lecture discussed marriage, and the legal fight for same-sex marriages. Once again, law was the final arbiter of what was right, and what was wrong. In Sandel’s example, the lawyers looked at the purpose of marriage, and hence the purpose of a same-sex marriage and concluded that the purposes were sufficiently common that having the same sex should not be a barrier to marriage. It would be tempting to pick through the legal arguments, and I am convinced that many people have. However, there is a flaw in that approach. Whatever the lawyers argue, they are prisoners to the flawed method they use. Either they follow legal principles to a logical conclusion, or they do not. If they follow legal principles to a logical conclusion, they are prisoners of an irrational system, that starts from arbitrary first principles that were never agreed, and may not be shared by real people. People married before there was a law for marriage. In history, laws followed behaviour. What people did came first, and laws to govern what they did came later. It is only in recent times that we seriously expect laws to determine behaviour. Now we pass laws without caring about people, and use the power of the state and enforcement to make people change to suit the laws. Whatever the original purpose of marriage, nobody was thinking ahead and trying to devise principles to be followed by lawyers in centuries to come. They were just acting on their instincts to settle down with a companion. So lawyers can expand upon the law in a rational way, but they have no point of view on the essential irrationality that underpins it. If, on the other hand, lawyers do not follow legal principles to a logical conclusion, they are arbitrary, and their arbitrary decisions are in no way superior to any other arbitrary decisions. Whilst we let them pontificate on what is marriage, we forget that we, as ordinary people, determine what our human relations really are. The laws that surround us are a cage of our own making, with the lawyers playing the part of well-paid gaolers.

The instincts to marry, whether between a man and a woman, a man and a man, and a woman and a woman, are particular to the individuals whilst universal to our species. Legal arguments serve no great benefit other than to demand changes not in how the married people see each other, but in how everyone else sees them. They too are falling prey to the delusion that law binds and controls everything, and everybody. Of course they are right that law binds and controls, but only in as much as we accept and condone the law. Its power to bind has a limit, and when tightened too far, it snaps, and loses all force. The law can bind but it must be elastic too, and fit the shape of the people it binds.

If the law works as it should, then principles are followed to a conclusion. In this regard, the outcome of the law is as predictable as Camus’ The Myth of Sisyphus. What beguiles are the many steps between. Lawyers walk each step to see where the conclusion lies. But this is folly. This is artifice, and no person thinks in the way that a lawyer pretends to. Either their conclusions are morally right, or they are morally wrong. Either same-sex marriage is morally right, or morally wrong. Either enforcing intellectual property is morally right, or morally wrong. Either the recent actions of bank are morally right, or morally wrong. Legality is a confusion, treading a rational path from an irrational starting point, and feigning surprise when it reaches its destination. It pretends to travel aimlessly, with no idea of where it wants to go and no idea of where it will end up. We, as people, can see if we arrived where we wanted. Just like pirates, we all navigate and all must take responsibility for where life takes us. The wind may buffet us, and the sea may swell, but we are the ultimate masters of our own fates. It is not satisfactory to play the part of the lawyer, reach the end of a journey, discover we are in a bad place, and say we went the right way but must have started from the wrong place. We must pick our destinations and our destinies, and not let blind justice take us on a journey that leads to the reward of wrongs and punishment of what is good.

So now, in this absurd world, I am set to be a Pirate Treasurer, and I will using one of those horrid banks to manage our horrid money and change those horrid laws. I will be managing legal fiction upon legal fiction in a quest to change some other legal fictions. Worst of all, I will be making myself even more subject to the law than before, as I will be have to pay heed to all those laws about party finance (you know, the laws that mainstream parties pay lip service to, then diligently work around). I do not have a cutlass or a parrot, but I do have a calculator and an understanding of double-entry bookkeeping. With them I intend to wage war on the corrupt businesses, rulers, and laws of our land. The Pirate Party stands for reform. Our chances our slim. Our enemies are numerous and powerful. Yet I gladly set sail under the Pirate flag. It is as an absurd world. If it lacks reason, I must compensate by giving it reason. Camus would have understood. Baron Cohen probably understands (if anybody knows his number, ask him to join us). Buddha doubtless was thinking along similar lines to me whilst he sat under his banyan tree. And those other legends of absurdity, Monty Python, got there before I did. I may have a serious intent to scuttle corruption, but I might as well enjoy the process too. This clip is from Terry Gilliam’s The Crimson Permanent Assurance. “Oh, it’s fun to charter an accountant, and sail the accountant-sea…” As Pirate Treasurer, I will be adopting that as my signature tune.

Survival is Everything

Nature is elegant. It solves problems. In nature we find the ears of the bat, the neck of the giraffe, the legs of the cheetah and the eyes of the hawk. It experiments and finds new ways of doing things. Failed experiments die away, whilst successful experiments reproduce themselves and become more populous. Nature is the way it is because it hosts the greatest competition of all: the competition to survive. That same competition underpins every competition between complex systems. Those complex systems may be countries, as in the cold war victory of the US over the former Soviet Union, or animals, like the gazelle that must flee and the lion that must eat, or the rivalry between businesses competing for scarce resources, market share, and revenues. There is no bigger idea than the simple idea that the fight for survival promotes change, and grants prolonged life to those that make the right changes, whilst killing off those that do not change or make the wrong changes.

So what lessons can be learned from nature right now? The human race has woken up to the greatest fight for survival since Homo sapiens first emerged. Our species has done wonderfully, and has expanded rapidly in living memory, growing from a little over 1.5 billion at the start of the twentieth century to over 6 billion by its end. We have learned to make more and more food from the same amount of land. We survived the Black Death. Our own predilection for war caused great losses, but the human race kept recovering and replacing the dead with more living. Problem after problem has been overcome by science and technology. The irony is that our very success now poses our greatest threat to survival: that we might destroy our climate, torching our Earth and turning it into an inhospitable husk. The battle against global warming is the struggle which will increasingly grip our attention and inspire our creativity. Necessity is the mother of invention, and there is no greater necessity than to preserve our world.

We can wage the war on global warming at both the macro and micro levels, and we will devise plenty of strategies. This will generate an incredible variety of opportunities for all kinds of enterprise, at every scale. By the same token, governments will be increasingly focused on the goal of saving the planet, not least because of the biological drive that says every citizen, whether President or peasant, wants their offspring to survive. Governments will be looking for ways to back potential winning solutions, both big and small. Businesses will imagine, pioneer and perfect many new kinds of solutions to solve energy problems we previously did not know we had. Good solutions, like creating new kinds of renewable energy and devising more efficient lifestyles, will survive beyond what a normal business would call long-term. By recasting the human struggle for survival, we are also redefining the economics of the human race, changing the index for prosperity from increased consumption to more efficient consumption. In the process, we are rearticulating the objectives of every business.

What strategies will the human race explore, as it fights against global warming? Some strategies will be about cleaning up the mess we created, like removing the carbon that is already in the atmosphere, whether through mechanical scrubbers or genetically modifying plant life to breathe in more carbon dioxide. Others will be about doing the same things as we do now, but with diminished impact on the environment. This includes finding replacements for oil as the portable fuel source for vehicles. We will innovate about how to achieve our same overall objectives, whilst doing fewer things that consume energy. This will promote technologies for homeworking, teleconferencing and organizing people in remote groups, so they can work together without needing to be in the same room. It also means organizing ourselves so that food is grown locally, and not transported over vast distances. Yet other strategies will involve supplying our energy needs without using fossil fuels, which involves both harnessing resources like wind, wave and sun but also storing energy efficiently, so we can save the energy we make to be used when we need it. As well as efficient creation of energy, there will also be more enterprising solutions for efficient distribution of energy, through innovations like installing smart meters in homes and businesses, or by improving the cost-effectiveness of microgeneration, so electricity is produced where it is being used.

Nature solves problems through constant innovation in the relentless fight for survival. The human race will do the same; harnessing its innovative gifts and finding ways to keep nature on a constant course, and hence ensuring our planet remains inhabitable. It is the biggest idea of all, as true in a recession as it is during a boom. This single big idea will give birth to countless ideas of every kind imaginable, and probably many more that we currently cannot imagine. The only sure way to fail is to duck the challenge and do nothing to innovate for a low-energy, sustainable-energy future. Some businesses may decide to ignore the fight on global warming, and will only react when energy prices force them to react. The winners in the recession, like in all enterprise, will be the businesses that turn a threat into an opportunity. The businesses that will prosper in the long run, will be the businesses that are in the vanguard of the war on global warming.

Digital Division: Brown’s Roadmap to Nowhere

This week saw the publication of the British Government’s Digital Britain report. Whatever else it told us, it confirmed one thing: we are living in the soundbyte generation. Somebody in Number 10 probably got a pack on the back for all the snappy phrases they packed both into the report and the promotion that surrounded it. The barrage of 21st century cliches only served to show how deeply out of touch they really are. In the end, the report is a squalid mess that would neither get the attention of the disinterested nor appeal to anybody who cares, with one notable exception. The Gordon Brown vision is that next generation Britain will be a high-tech low-carbon super-fast knowledge economy, where we unlock imagination at this vital tipping point. Sexy phrases. But what a load of tosh. Look past the quotes from Clay Shirky and you find an underlying message that is the antithesis of the distributed, fast-moving, creative, and often anarchic world of the internet. Let me spell out Brown’s vision of Digital Britain in one sentence: Digital Britain is a business, run for big business, by big business, with the Government playing a vital part in keeping big business happy and making sure everybody knows their place.

With a bit of luck, the Digital Britain report will soon morph from blueprint of the future into forgotten historical curiosity. Its sponsor, Stephen Carter, is apparently planning to change jobs soon, and the report may get lost down the back of the filing cabinet when he leaves. It is about time Carter moved on. The Communications Minister has a long and impressive CV for a man of only 45. Impressive, until you realize that means he keeps changing job. Impressive, until you realize he keeps changing job because he was never any good at any of them. Before being Communication Minister, Carter was Brown’s chief of strategy. Brown is now the most unpopular British Prime Minister in living memory, less popular even than Margaret Thatcher. Thatcher just polarized opinion. Everybody is agreed on Brown: they all hate him. Even his own party hates him. Brown admitted in a recent interview that strategic planning had been one of his weaknesses. What does that say about Carter, his former strategy chief? Previously, Carter was the boss of Ofcom, taking on the tough task of cutting waste but largely seeing its importance degraded. Much of its importance had been usurped at European level, and even when it came to British standards of taste and decency, it was repeatedly floundering in the wake of events like the Celebrity Big Brother/Jade Goody ‘racism’ outrage. Before Ofcom, Carter was boss of ntl, the cable operator. When George Blumenthal, ntl’s co-founder, left the company, he sent staff an email that openly criticized “the management consultants, the toothpaste marketers and the other Carterets”. He was also unpopular with ntl shareholders, which may have had something to do with him leaving with a £1.7m payoff after steering ntl into bankruptcy. The only jobs that Carter has done well have all been in the advertising industry. That is the key to understanding the Digital Britain report, and the spin around it. It is one big, clever advert, for a rubbish old product and rubbish old ideas. The Digital Britain report is exactly the kind of marketing made by advertising companies for big business. The people writing the report come from advertising. The message they push is that big business is good. The only difference is that Brown paid for the report from taxpayers’ pockets. If the advice in the report is followed, taxpayers will find themselves paying again and again.

Pulling apart the whole report is going to take a long time, and many people have already torn it to shreds. Instead of emulating them, let us examine the synopsis from the mouthpiece himself: Gordon Brown. Brown wrote an article for the The Times, all about Digital Britain and the report. Of course, I mean that somebody from a PR background, probably a chum of Stephen Carter, wrote an article for The Times, and Brown put his name to it. This is how it went…

The digital revolution is changing all our lives beyond recognition and today we shall set out how Britain must change with it.

How Britain must change with it? This implies the government are somehow leading the way. The funny thing about the digital revolution, and the impact it has on people, is that it has happened without the government leading the way. After all, revolutions involve ordinary people overthrowing governments, not governments telling ordinary people what to do. There is no evidence that Britain’s government has the insight, skills, experience or vision to be telling the rest of us what to do to keep pace with this revolution. There is plenty of evidence to the contrary.

Whether it is to work online, study, learn new skills, pay bills or simply stay in touch with friends and family, a fast internet connection is now seen by most of the public as an essential service, as indispensable as electricity, gas and water.

That is a sexy soundbyte. ‘As indispensable as electricity, gas and water’. Many journalists repeated or paraphrased it. Keep it in mind, because we will come back to it later.

Just as the bridges, roads and railways built in the 19th century were the foundations of the Industrial Revolution that helped Britain to become the workshop of the world, so investment now in the information and communications industries can underpin our emergence from recession to recovery and cement the UK’s position as a global economic powerhouse.

Investment is key. Nobody argues with that. But who is doing the investment, and why? Picking bridges, roads and railways is far from the most obvious analogy. The most obvious analogy would be the investment in the telegraph. The Victorians spent tremendous amounts of money in laying the infrastructure so the whole world could communicate for the very first time. Because of the telegraph, messages could be sent almost instantly across the world for the very first time. Huge ships laid enormous lengths of cable along the seabed, spanning the vast distances between the continents. The greatest investment in the international telegraph network came from Britain. So if we want an analogy that is about Britain investing in pioneering communications infrastructure, the telegraph is the obvious choice. Brown and Carter must employ at least one person with enough knowledge of British history to appreciate that. So why talk abut roads and bridges instead? Because the state builds roads and bridges using taxpayer’s money, but the state had nothing to do with the telegraph. Private money set up the enterprises that laid the telegraph wires all around the world, and they did it without needing help from taxpayers.

Today the Government will publish its Digital Britain report, which firmly places the digital economy centre stage as it is core to our future industrial capability.

The UK’s digital economy at present accounts for about 8 per cent of our national income. Its continued development is fundamental to the productivity and innovative capacity of so many other sectors and, with that, the creation and protection of hundreds of thousands of jobs.

The digital economy may well be core, but that still does not explain the government’s role…

I am determined that Britain’s digital infrastructure will be world class. For me, it is all part of building Britain’s future beyond the difficult, short-term economic conditions. We must continue to invest to become a world leader in the new high-tech, low-carbon industries of the future by reigniting the British genius for invention, discovery and trade – to capitalise on our strengths.

Brown is a determined man. He is determined that we must invest. It has something to do with carbon apparently (presumably if we spend all day using computers, than global warming will be the problem of the Chinese with all their factories etc…). But what is this? The British genius needs ‘reigniting’. Did the flame go out? Maybe it was a coal fire…

Whenever I travel abroad, I see the presence of British products and services that testify to our national strength in the emerging high-end manufacturing industries, the information and communications industries and creative industries such as advertising, film and television.

I guess Brown never sees me when I am abroad. I work in one of those industries and do most of my work abroad, bringing money back into the UK. If I saw Brown, I would be telling him how mighty hacked off I am about how so many of his policies seem designed to hinder me, not help me. But, like Brown, I am straying off the point…

These are the dynamic sectors that we need to back and promote. So, like other leading economies, we must develop the next generation of communications networks – fixed, mobile and broadcast.

That was quite a leap. One minute we were abroad. The next we are building networks in the UK. Let us not even talk about how the low-carbon objective fits into this globe-hopping whilst home-stopping equation. We may have some ideas how this could fit together, but there is nothing in this article, nor the Digital Britain report, that makes any attempt to reconcile them.

The private sector is rightly leading the way and investing significant sums.

The private sector is doing what the private sector does. Good evidence that the government is irrelevant… but wait…

But there is also a role for targeted, strategic action by government. We can create the right framework, for example, for the release of wireless spectrum – a national asset – while also liberalising its uses and extending mobile broadband coverage.

Tosh, tosh, tosh. Hypocrisy. We got 50% of the way through the article, and when we finally discover something specific that the government wants or should or may do, it is a load of hypocritical nonsense, the reverse of what they did in the past. Gordon Brown, as Chancellor of the Exchequer, pocketed £22bn from the sale of 3G wireless spectrum. He did that by utilizing an auction mechanism designed to squeeze money out of big business at the height of the dotcom boom. Did he spend the money on investing in Britain’s communications infrastructure? No. He took £22bn that might have been better spent on communications infrastructure, and which had to be recouped by charging higher prices to British customers. Did he spend it on any infrastructure, like roads and bridges, or for health, or for education? No. He used the money to pay down the national debt. Yes, there was a time when Gordon Brown took money from big business and used it to reduce the national debt. Obviously, the world has changed a lot since then. However, it rather proves that asking Brown to make investment decisions for the future is like asking Brown to end the cycle of boom and boost. It may sound like a good idea, but do not bet your house on him actually doing it.

In our fibre optic and cable networks, which will provide the next generation of superfast broadband, the Government must also complement and assist the private sector to move farther and faster.

Now we are getting to the point. Government must ‘complement and assist the private sector’. That is a nice, roundabout way of saying Government will ‘force taxpayers and/or customers to subsidize big business’. I can see why the spin doctors picked their wording, and not mine. The Government’s proposal seems straightforward. Take a rubbish business like cable operator Virgin – formerly known as ntl – and make sure the market is rigged to suit their interests. Meanwhile, Virgin announces some “unlimited” music download package to raise the question of why anybody would ever download illegally. Presumably the answer is that the chain of cause-and-effect is illegal downloads force reductions in retail prices. If retail prices had been low in the first place, there would not have been the incentive to turn to illegal downloads.

ntl started out by getting a lot of money from private investors, were very badly run by management, went bust, and their investors lost almost everything they had put into the business. Private investors are not so stupid that they will do that again. So the Government has the solution. Because ntl has a new name, and hence must now be a really good and efficient business, it makes sense to ensure they have a safe place in the future market and guaranteed profits for ever more…

The government’s protection will not just go to Virgin/ntl. The government has long been negotiating the subsidy it will guarantee to BT in exchange for building superfast broadband networks. Should we fear that BT might waste that money? The relevant division is run by Steve Robertson, a man who has spent most of his career avoiding competition by working for the nationalized BT, apart from a brief time when he jumped on the dotcom boom bandwagon and jumped back again when things got rocky. BT is now privately-owned, but the broadband infrastructure division, Openreach, is still a monopoly, protected from competition. Now the government will guarantee the Openreach division will be profitable by taking money from ordinary people and giving it to Openreach to build the infrastructure that will enhance its monopoly position. And why is BT Group not able to pay for this infrastructure investment from its existing profits? Well, one major reason is that the only division where BT actually faces open competition from equals – BT Global, which sells IT services to multinationals – loses so much money that it consumes the profits of all other BT divisions. Which means every BT customer is already subsidizing their inept IT services division and hence underwriting their big contracts to their big business customers. Sounds fair? No, I do not think so either.

BT’s management can only run a profitable business when they are in a market skewed in their favour. That does not sound to me like the kind of semi-monopolistic, badly-run, inefficient business that the ordinary British citizen should give be giving huge amounts of money to. BT is not the part of the private sector that ‘leads the way’, to use Brown’s words. This is the part of the private sector that hides from public eyes, only willing to spend when its profits are guaranteed by promises from government, only willing to innovate when it has a sure-fire hit. Worst of all, we have been down this road before. The government had a wonderful boast it would computerize patient records for the NHS. Years later, and that project is well behind schedule and well over budget. The main supplier for the NHS contract, BT (see a connection?) has been suffering huge losses on the deal. Do we really expect the same combination of big business and big government will do a better job with building our next generation of broadband networks?

Modernisation of our communications infrastructure is vital to take advantage of important shifts in technology. The public sector, businesses large and small – and those who work in them – need access to both fixed and mobile high-standard, high-speed networks.

But I am clear that this transformation must benefit us all, business and consumers alike, in every part of the country. Digital Britain cannot be a two-tier Britain – with those who can take full advantage of being online and those who can’t.

This is classic BrownSpeak. It is also another kind of BS. The bulk of the market distortion in the Digital Britain report is not geared to ensuring some access for all. Most of it is geared to ensuring faster networks for some. Not surprisingly, big business wants to spend money where it can make money. Strangely, the government wants to give them more money to help them make money, as if the free market did not give enough incentive already. That is like subsidizing an airline that only wants to fly on the most popular routes. The superfast network that would be built by BT is geared around better speeds for urban dwellers. If we really want to avoid a two-tier strategy, Brown should stop kissing the backside of big business and put the taxpayer’s money into doing the big things that big business does not want to do. The losers in two-tier Britain are the rural poor, who are left behind. Their post offices get closed down, yet we expect them to be happy whilst disconnected from the huge advantages of the modern internet. Meanwhile, our cities are overloaded and riven by anti-social behaviour. The Government’s solutions are routinely and depressingly oppressive. They deal with symptoms, not causes. Never mind Tony Blair’s mantra: ‘tough on crime, tough on the causes of crime’. Now the message is just: ‘tough’. The government wants more spying on people, more congestion charges, more handing out of ASBOs. Digital Britain was an opportunity to think, in a far-reaching way, about how technology could change Britain for the better. It was an opportunity missed by people lack the imagination.

The Digital Britain report is small in outlook, because it shares the same outlook as big business, which also likes to control people and keep them under scrutiny. Big business likes to keep a close eye on people because it cannot find a better way of managing and working with them. Britain’s big government and big business both suffer from woeful management, who prop each other up and help each other stay in their cosy positions of power. A digital revolution could offer a radical alternative, using technology to really change our way of live for the better, and solving multiple ills at the same time. Our government’s idea of regionalization is to move jobs out of urban offices in London into urban offices in cities in the North, or Scotland, or Wales. We need to be move jobs to the countryside. We need to encourage youth to stay in rural areas, and encourage working people to move into rural areas, by giving them a wider range of opportunities. With technology, we can move jobs out of cities and give people freedom to do the work they love in the place they love. Digital Britain could be the enabler for that. Instead of asking how we stop the countryside from falling too far behind, we should turn the problem upside down, by using public money where private money will not go, and letting private money pay for the rest. Let us prioritize fiber-to-the-cabinet for rural dwellers, and encourage the building of lots of small and super-connected villages as an additional way to deal with the shortages in housing. Let us use tax incentives to encourage homeworking, in recognition that homeworking helps us reduce the costs of congestion and carbon emissions. The creative and knowledge industries are ideal for homeworking. Instead of kowtowing to big business, which always prefers to assemble its workers in urban offices (BT recently forced some homeworkers back to the office) let us give business the incentive to change and improve management, so the same work is done even though people work from home.

So the first step must be to make the existing broadband network truly available to all. Just as we remain committed to a universal postal service, we pledge today to give every home, community and company access to broadband internet.

If you are like me, you must be bemused by Brown associating his dismal failure to protect post offices with his plans for a universal internet. That rather suggests it will be a universal internet, but only if you live in the right places.

These technological advances will be accompanied by a revolution in content, which they allow. We must develop and sustain public service content, such as commercial regional news, which we all value and rely on, ensuring that it can be delivered across multiple digital outlets by a range of providers accessible to all.

These are difficult times for local newspapers, TV and radio and, as Ofcom has said, a regionalised TV news network is no longer financially viable. However, competition in news – as in business – is vital to provide consumers with the highest quality and we cannot allow a monopoly to take root. Remaining in touch with local issues and holding councils and regional bodies to account is the lifeblood of our democracy.

Brown is once again confused about the boundaries between this country and the rest of the world. He has made that mistake before. He used to say he fixed boom and bust for the UK, only to discover that Britain’s economy is not independent of the global economy. The same is true for content. The revolution in content is taking place, and it is global in nature. Brown’s vision of public service content is outdated, because it assumes a connection between content and scale, between content and geography. We already live in a world where listeners of Invicta Radio in Dover could just as easily get the headline news from Al Jazeera in Doha.

Broadcasting on a local level is in terminal decline, for the same reason that Brown is closing post offices – not enough people need or use the service to keep it viable. The solution is not to use public money and public intervention in the market to create jobs that serve diminishing audiences. As mini-broadcasting shrinks, it will make room for two trends that will fill the gap: micro-broadcasting and macro-knowledge sharing. Micro-broadcasting means that, instead of getting the news from somebody sat in an office in the biggest nearby town, who have themselves got most of their content from a bureau, more of us will come to rely on a patchwork of smaller, informal, charitable, volunteer and semi-professional broadcasters. You will get your news from a mix of podcasters, bloggers and professional sources. Some will be friends who act as informal information hubs on social networks. Universities can provide info for their students and surrounding residents. There are many possibilities for how micro-broadcasting will grow, the only certainty is that it will grow as it becomes cheaper and easier. That may represent a scary future for some, who prefer their broadcasting regulated and controlled. These same people would like to control the internet, and struggle to understand why you cannot. I can see why the Government would rather deal with dozens of small radio stations instead of thousands of people sharing content from their bedrooms or home offices, but that does not mean the Government of preserving the past and forestalling the future.

The partner trend to micro-broadcasting is macro-knowledge sharing. Ordinary people, or the micro-broadcasters, will increasingly get their information by mining valuable data sources, managed over the internet and available for free. There are plenty of examples of ‘serious’ journalists caught copying and pasting from Wikipedia, so we should expect more and more broadcasting will rely on reuse of public information provided on the internet. This is not bad for democracy, despite Brown’s insistence we need local journalists to decipher local events. I am already more likely to get good, detailed and useful information about the internet than from the local radio. I do not want to listen to the local radio every day, just in case they say something relevant to me. In contrast, I can monitor my MP by getting email alerts from TheyWorkForYou.com and can both see, and report, local problems using FixMyStreet.

We also need to help Channel 4 to secure its future. In its short history, the station has produced Oscar-winning films and some of the most popular and highest-quality programming. But it now requires long-term stability to develop as a truly global player.

I cannot imagine a more confused paragraph. The confusion is accentuated by presenting a national television broadcaster as a potential ‘global player’. Content creation is not the same as broadcasting, though they used to be vertically integrated. Now I can watch Virgin One on Sky’s satellite network, the BBC on Virgin’s cable network, and Channel 4 over the internet. When Channel 4 was launched, it increased viewer choice by 33%. You used to have three TV channels, and Channel 4 added a new one (at least in the evenings – it was a long time before they started broadcasting during the day as well). It was a broadcaster in the traditional sense, when broadcasting was the way to that content got from the maker to the viewer. Now, Brown is suggesting its future role is as a content creator, making films and programmes. But content creation does not need to be linked to broadcasting. For every hour that Channel 4 broadcasts, it needs an hour of content. Some will be made by Channel 4, some by independent producers with commissions from Channel 4, some will be bought in from elsewhere, like US TV shows. Broadband ubiquity means that there is no need for an intermediary like Channel 4 to be involved in screening US TV shows or distributing independently-produced content. All the mainstream channels will find they decline in importance as broadcasters, and will need to shift their focus to content creation in order to survive. That does not mean the taxpayer needs to help them survive. Public money for content should be just that – open to all content providers, not mediated and managed by increasingly irrelevant broadcasters. The ‘channel’ part of Channel 4 will increasingly become an anachronism. Rather than wasting money on sustaining old distribution models, it would be better to speed the transition to universal broadband.

Improved communications technologies from the progressive digital switchover will enable the Government and local authorities to provide taxpayers with improved individually tailored public services offering the greatest value for money, and increasing efficiency for citizens and businesses. We must also introduce a robust legal framework to combat digital piracy and secure the rights of Britain’s creative talent.

Here is the really important paragraph, the reason for the report. Or rather, here is the importance sentence, which comes after some impenetrable waffle about ‘tailored public services’ (surely some kind of oxymoron?). There will be an election in less than twelve months. Gordon Brown would quite like it if some big media companies – the ones that own newspapers and the like – would support him in that election. To get their support, he will do something they like, by using the law to bolster their big business profits. Pure and simple. It sounds better when you say call it countering piracy (like sending gunboats to chase Somalis with speedboats and AK-47s) and say you are securing the rights of Britain’s creative talent. It sounds less convincing when you point out that even the Digital Britain report makes it plain that Britain’s creative talent does not own the rights to the work it produces. It sells the rights to big business, very often foreign-owned big business. So this legal framework may be of great benefit to big business, but is largely irrelevant to the majority of creative artists. Those artists are just as likely to get screwed over by big business as the rest of us.

Broadband is at a tipping point. High-speed internet access will soon be essential for everyone. Only a digital Britain can unlock the imagination and creativity that will secure for us and our children the high-skilled jobs of the future in a global economy.

Broadband is at a tipping point. Sounds good. What does it mean? What are transforming from, and what are we transforming into? Per this report, it sounds like the government is doing everything imaginable to keep things just as they are, and just how big business likes it. Change would be wonderful, but change is disruptive and change means risk for big business. Just like banks, the big telecoms and big media big businesses are run by people who love to be paid like they are risk-takers, whilst relying on the poor old taxpayer to pay for a safety net that protects them for the consequences of their own inefficiencies and mistakes. To keep big business happy, all mention of net neutrality was erased from the final version of the report. There is nothing in here about investment in small business, only big business. There is nothing in here about ensuring the rights of the ordinary person. That sounds not like a tipping point, but big government colluding with big business, as usual.

Brown is correct that high-speed internet access is essential for everyone. It is vital for the economy. It is ‘as indispensable as electricity, gas and water’ (I told you I would come back to that). The problem with this article, and the Digital Britain report, is that it gives absolutely no guarantees to anybody other than the big businesses that Government has been negotiating with. It makes no promises to the ordinary person that they will have broadband access. Sometimes governments do make promises to people, and they keep them too. Those promises can be made even if it involved big business. Water is big business. Gas and electricity is big business. However, ordinary consumers have rights to water, gas and electricity. Those rights are protected in law. The utility providers must and do respect those rights. The Digital Britain report, however, offers no genuine rights for internet users. It is hypocrisy to say broadband is as essential as water, whilst also pushing proposals that are designed to forcing ISPs to cut off paying customers. It is hypocrisy that high-speed broadband is called essential, whilst the government is intending to force ISPs to waste their money, interrupt their customer’s services, and turn high-speed into low-speed or even no-speed broadband, not because customers had failed to pay their bill, but because customers used the service to do things that another, different company does not like.

Amidst all the advertising-speak from Brown’s buddy, Stephen Carter, the word essential it twisted and manipulated until it looks like a pretzel. It is essential that you pay for the service, not once, but twice, and possibly three times or more. You must pay your ISP for the service, and must pay the network operator to build the network. Because of the incompetence of the Government and the operators, there is every reason to believe you will end up paying a third time, through your taxes, and a fourth, as the Government protects big business profits by blocking competition. On the other hand, it is far from essential that you receive the service you paid for. That is why the report does not confer a genuine right to broadband, like the right to water, and gas, and electricity. In this regard, it already seems to be out of date. Just like in his Ofcom days, Carter is rendered irrelevant by events on the European stage, which suggest the courts will interpret that internet connectivity is a right. Doubtless, when the Europeans force the consequences on Britain, the British politicians will turn on the smiles and congratulate themselves, whilst brushing Carter’s report under the carpet.

Brown’s vision for Digital Britain is a road that leads nowhere. It lacks imagination. It looks backwards, not forwards. It talks in the language of the internet, but walks the walk of monopolistic big business. That is no surprise when you realize its author is Stephen Carter, the advertising guru who makes a good living from impersonating someone who understands the future of technology and communications. To a dinosaur like Brown, Carter probably looks like he is evolved, but Carter is nothing more than a warm-blooded rodent that toadies to his master. This is from Carter’s introduction to the report:

I would also like to record my particular thanks to …. and most importantly for the political leadership of the Prime Minister, whose recognition of the importance of this sector and the need for a coherent strategy are what has made this work possible.

What a masterpiece of hollow. Carter praises the leadership of a man who looks backwards. He hails coherence as if the coherence of big business greed is more important than the creative anarchy of the internet, the vitality of freely exchanged ideas or the unpredictable dynamism of genuine free market competition. It is just another aspect of the merry-go-round of corruption that keeps spinning round and round. Corruption involves more than MPs fiddling their expenses. It runs deep, and it includes this shameless collusion between government and business interests. Carter is the inverse of Robin Hood. He schemes to take money from ordinary folks and to give it to the rich and powerful elite. And then he condescends to tell you why that is in everyone’s best interests. These are slick words, used to package corporate greed and political backscratching and make it look like a gift. Swapping one main party for another will likely make no difference. Stephen Carter is on first name terms with the Tory leader, David Cameron, and the Shadow Chancellor, George Osbourne. It is reported that Carter could very well reappear as a hanger-on to a Tory government, if they got into power. Just like the war in Iraq, it seems ordinary voters are stitched up again. That is why I am joining an international movement to reform the law and create the vibrant and free economies that politicians like to talk about but work against.

The Pirate Party is rapidly establishing itself in countries all over the planet. The Swedish Pirate Party paved the way, and shown that the issues they raised are deeply important to many people. In the European elections, it was supported by over 7% of Swedish voters, an incredible result for a new party, started from scratch less than three years ago. The Swedish Pirate Party is being joined by sister parties in other countries. The German party did well enough in its elections that it qualified for official recognition and state aid. Parties are being founded in such diverse countries as the USA, Brazil, Australia and Russia. I am joining the Pirate Party UK and helping to establish a new voice that speaks up for ordinary people and understands that the impact of new technology is too great and too important to allow it to be dominated by the interests of big business. Gordon Brown’s blinkered vision is of digital division. That division will be between vested interests and the rest of us. Stephen Carter, who scuttles backwards and forwards between big business and big government, thinks that balance is achieved by finding compromises that suit both his paymasters. In his world, the only role for ordinary folk is to hand over their money and believe his advertising lies. Remember, his old company helped to spur internet activism, by being so bad it provoked frustrated customers into launching the infamous ‘nthell’ forum. We need to organize and stand opposed to Brown, Carter, and the interests they serve.

It will be a hard fight, but one we must fight. Neither big government nor big business will look after the interests of the common person. Sometimes, when the law is corrupt, and the rulers more corrupt still, you have to become an outlaw, a rebel, or a pirate. Now is the time to secure our future, keep the internet free, and ensure everybody can access the internet for personal, social, cultural and commercial gain. In the 21st century, the internet is as essential as water; the Pirate Party will campaign to ensure everybody has the internet as their right.

The New Properties of New Property

Arnold Schwarzenegger is a lefty, and he does not know it. Or maybe Arnie is one of those righty freedom fighters that end up so far off to the right they end up going full circle and re-emerging on the right. Or maybe the Governator is just a simple Hollywood movie star from a little village just outside Graz, who wants to apply some old-fashioned common sense to the way his state is run. That is the problem with new technology. It tends to mess up your old perspectives and makes it hard to tell up from down, or left from right.

It all has to do with the tiny little US$24bn deficit borne by the state of California. To help solve the problem, Arnie’s banned the buying of books for school, in the hope of saving a few bucks. This is his argument:

“Textbooks are outdated, in my opinion. For so many years, we’ve been trying to teach exactly the same way. Our children get their information from the internet, downloaded on to their iPods, and in Twitter feeds to their phones. Basically, kids feel as comfortable with their electronic devices as I was with my pencils and crayons.

So why are California’s school students still forced to lug around antiquated, heavy, expensive textbooks?”

Or rather, that is half his argument. The other half is that books are expensive and he can save money by giving students the tools to read digital content. Critics may scoff Arnie is cutting the budget for books but not spending on the electronic gadgets to replace them, but the argument itself is sound. Why spend money on textbooks if it is cheaper to give school pupils an electronic device with all the texts on them? Why keep replacing those books, if it is cheaper and easier to get new versions of texts by buying the content digitally, without wasting money by paying for unnecessary paper?

We live in cruel world. Books do not cost money because we value the fine words inside them. Books cost money because it costs money to make books, and because somebody wants to make a profit after going to the trouble of printing them. When you buy a book, you are not just paying for the paper it is printed on. You also pay for all those vehicles that were used to get them from the printer to you, and paying for all those warehouses and shops where it rested along the way, and paying for all those other books that nobody bought but were printed as part of a big run and which end up being pulped and recycled into paper. I nearly forgot – a tiny amount goes to the person who wrote the book. Zapping the words to you, without needing an actual book, cuts out a lot of costs. Yippee! That makes Arnie Schwarzenegger a lefty for taking on all those entrenched capitalist business interests and a righty for cutting budgets and advocating free competition at the same time. But it goes further than that.

“Possession is nine points in the Law.”

Listed as a common saying in 1616 by Thomas Draxe, Adages. Presumably derives from the legal principle where the satisfaction of ten points legitimated ownership; hence ‘nine points of the law’ was close to full ownership.

He may not know it, but Schwarzenegger is speeding up the process by which we change our views on what is property. People used to buy books, and they knew what they were getting. Even Baldrick knows what a book is…

Blackadder: Excellent. (to Baldrick) Nice fire, Baldrick.

Baldrick: Thank you, Mr. B.

Blackadder: Right, let’s get the book. Now; Baldrick, where’s the manuscript?

Baldrick: You mean the big papery thing tied up with string?

Blackadder: Yes, Baldrick — the manuscript belonging to Dr. Johnson.

Baldrick: You mean the baity fellow in the black coat who just left?

Blackadder: Yes, Baldrick — Dr. Johnson.

Baldrick: So you’re asking where the big papery thing tied up with string belonging to the baity fellow in the black coat who just left is.

Blackadder: Yes, Baldrick, I am, and if you don’t answer, then the booted bony thing with five toes at the end of my leg will soon connect sharply with the soft dangly collection of objects in your trousers. For the last time, Baldrick – Where is Dr. Johnson’s manuscript?

Baldrick: On the fire.

Blackadder: (shocked) On the *what*?

Baldrick: The hot orangy thing under the stony mantlepiece.

Black Adder III, Episode 2: Ink and Incapability

If you went to the bookshop and bought a book, you used to come out with a big papery thing. Not any more. Now you can buy disembodied words. Or do you? No, you rent them. You and only you. For example, Kindle’s licence agreement states you have a:

“…non-exclusive right to keep a permanent copy…solely for your personal, non-commercial use…

[Kindle users may] not sell, rent, lease, distribute, broadcast, sublicense or otherwise assign any rights to…any third party.”

Walk around a stately home, and chances are the library will be one of the finest rooms. That was when it cost a lot to acquire books, and a library would be a valuable inheritance, passed from generation to generation. The owner of the house owned the books within it. But with an e-book, you may only be renting the words. The intellectual property is owned by the publisher. When you die, the words have to vanish into the ether from which they came… anything else is stealing. The same applies to other kinds of intellectual property. Suppose you buy an app for your shiny new iPhone. The next day you get run over. Shame, but what everybody wants to know is: who gets your iPhone? It turns out that you left it in your will to your favourite nephew, Johnny. He receives the iPhone, thinks fondly of you, and is about to launch the app you downloaded… STOP!!! STOP, LITTLE JOHNNY!!! Johnny forgot to read the relevant bit of the licence that you agreed to when buying the app:

This license granted to you for the Licensed Application by Licensor is limited to a non-transferable license to use the Licensed Application on any iPhone or iPod touch that you own or control and as permitted by the Usage Rules set forth in Section 9.b. of the App Store Terms and Conditions (the “Usage Rules”). This license does not allow you to use the Licensed Application on any iPod touch or iPhone that you do not own or control, and you may not distribute or make the Licensed Application available over a network where it could be used by multiple devices at the same time. You may not rent, lease, lend, sell, redistribute or sublicense the Licensed Application. You may not copy (except as expressly permitted by this license and the Usage Rules), decompile, reverse engineer, disassemble, attempt to derive the source code of, modify, or create derivative works of the Licensed Application, any updates, or any part thereof (except as and only to the extent any foregoing restriction is prohibited by applicable law or to the extent as may be permitted by the licensing terms governing use of any open sourced components included with the Licensed Application). Any attempt to do so is a violation of the rights of the Licensor and its licensors. If you breach this restriction, You may be subject to prosecution and damages.

You, dead person that you are, bought a licence. Little Johnny did not. That licence is non-transferable. It died when you did. You can leave your iPhone in your will, but the apps expire when you do… or else little Johnny is a CRIMINAL.

Hmmm… not entirely satisfactory, is it? Somehow we went from lovely libraries that people cherished and added to over the centuries, to little Johnny breaking the law the second he launches Sims 3 on your old iPhone. Maybe that would not be so bad, if the cost associated with the intellectual property is really low. Johnny could just buy his own licence to play Sims 3, available for the reasonable price of… £5.99!!! Hold on!! The same device, the same data, no extra cost to Apple, or to the game’s authors, Electronic Arts, yet Johnny has to pay £5.99 for it. Does that seem fair…?

“If I were asked to answer the following question: What is slavery? and I should answer in one word, It is murder!, my meaning would be understood at once. No extended argument would be required . . . Why, then, to this other question: What is property? may I not likewise answer, It is robbery!, without the certainty of being misunderstood; the second proposition being no other than a transformation of the first?

Pierre-Joseph Proudhon, What is Property?

Now Proudhon was a pretty extreme lefty, so I am not blogging to suggest we start some collectivist binge, in case there is any doubt. However, Proudhon’s argument has some resonance in this digitized era. Just because we can pass a law to say something can or cannot be owned, does not mean we can morally defend that law. People used to own people. People used to be property. Not any more. If we can emancipate the slaves, might we not emancipate our intellectual content?

Right now, the business interests that want to rent you intellectual property, whilst never selling it to you, have the upper hand. They are taking full advantage. When you buy a book, a big chunk of your money goes towards covering the costs of making that book and getting it to you. In fact, there was a good chance that somebody made a loss on that book, somewhere along the way. If book makers and sellers could lower costs to compete with digital content, they would. Their trouble is they cannot. You could reduce the unit cost of making a book by making more, but then there would be higher risk of unsold books, or books being held longer in storage and on the shelves of stores, so the equation is far from perfect. The cost of making and selling books may have gone down over time, but the benefits were passed to the consumer. Making a profit from books can be very hard. Governments have previously been willing to intervene in the retail pricing of books, just to ensure the publishers would remain profitable. Otherwise, if some went bust, there would be fewer suppliers and, in the long run, either less books or higher prices. So, by and large, customers were paying an equitable price for what they got. Eliminating all the costs associated with physical products has blown a hole in the original equation. Now, only supply and demand determines the price of the product, yet we seem happy to be paying pretty much similar prices as before. Why are we not complaining, and shopping around for providers who take a far smaller cut?

The marginal cost of production is approaching nil, except in as far as the talent that writes a book or sings a song deserves a fair reward. However, prices are not coming down as they might, because there is insufficient pressure for them to do so. Remember, when you bought a book, or a vinyl record, you could resell it and recoup the cost, or you could give it as gift, or leave it somebody in your will. In contrast, we are renting digital content, and cannot gift it or sell it to anyone else. Many people could have owned the same CD, but everybody must buy their own individual licence for a song that has been downloaded. This alone should mean prices would come down if they are fair. Licences you cannot trade are of less value than equivalent goods that you buy and can sell again.

One problem is big business likes to moan, but it only moans about its rights, as if the legal person that is a company is deserving of more rights than the real, natural people they like to exploit. It is exploitation when they replace one product with an alternative, only to force you or little Johnny to pay twice for the same thing. You could argue big business would not be so unreasonable as to punish little Johnny in real life, but the fact that they are turning Johnny into a criminal lies at the heart of this problem. Only a morally corrupt law would make Johnny a criminal, even if, in practice, Johnny is not punished for his crimes. Only a corrupt law would suggest that Johnny had done something wrong. That law is still corrupt even when not enforced. From this one loose strand, this one obvious corruption that is so clearly morally offensive, so plainly wrong, we can unravel the rest of the legal fabric that has been wrapped around intellectual property.

You rent a licence, but if you lose your copy of your data then the supplier’s attitude is that is your tough luck. If you want the same content, you have to pay for the same licence again. Hang on, you think, you already have a licence. Why are you paying twice for a second licence? You just need a new download, not a new licence. Why is the supplier not charging you separately, one big fee for the (totally intangible) licence, one small fee for the work involved in supplying the download, if they really want to be fair and transparent? Why is the supplier not allowing you to buy one (non-transferable) licence and then allowing you to download more than once, should you set fire to your house and destroy all copies of your data at once? Because they do not want you to think about how much they make off the back of the original artist’s work, just for acting as middleman. They want to think like you still pay for something with substance, like a book, and not for something made from thin air. Selling licences is like printing money, but without the expense of the paper used to print actual cash. Just imagine walking up to a business and starting this conversation:

Shopper: Hey, I got a licence, let me have another copy of that song I downloaded last week.

Store: I don’t know you. Get outta here.

Shopper: (Holds up a copy of the licence) Look!! Here’s my licence! Somebody mugged me and stole my laptop. Now I want another download of that song I paid for last week. It’s legal – I got a licence!!

Store: You’re crazy. You could be anyone. How do I know you bought it?

Shopper: We signed a contract, that’s why. Don’t you know who you sign contracts with?

Store: No.

Shopper: Okay. Have it your way. If you don’t care then I’m going to give all my other music on my other laptop to my friends for free.

Store: If you do that, me and my lawyers are gonna make you real sorry you messed with us.

Shopper: But, but…

Store: You signed a contract buddy, you got to respect it.

Shopper: But you don’t even know who I am. And you don’t take any notice that I got this licence here…

Store: I don’t care who you are. I’m only interested in enforcing the terms of my contracts, not meeting any obligations you may or may not think should follow from them. That means you don’t do anything it says you don’t do. I don’t have to do nuttin’ to keep you happy.

We should be expecting prices of digital content to be a lot lower, or we should be demanding far better rights as licence holders, like being able to transfer them or at least having the right to obtain replacement copies of digital content at preferential rates. Instead, we get a terrible deal all round. Why is that? The answer is a ridiculous mix of consumers not realizing what a bad deal they are getting, and sour grapes about the illegal sharing of digital content.

The average consumer has failed to realize that just because they were willing to pay a certain amount for a physical book, does not mean they should be willing to pay a similar amount for the words. Yes, the customer gets the same pleasure, but one was far cheaper to make than the other, and the customer has not factored that in yet. Worse still, the suppliers are not giving any clues away by engaging in any meaningful price wars. They own their rights to their specific sequences of words or notes, so if you want a particular book, or a particular song, they can hold you to ransom because you cannot legitimately buy it from anyone else. The only person or business with a justifiable claim to avoid being screwed by competition is the person or business who actually made the original content. That means the person who wrote the words, or the group that recorded the song, or the team of people who filmed the film. Everything else should be open for competition. However, it is not. Middlemen saddle up to the source of content and attach themselves like limpets, so you cannot tell where the creator ends and the middleman starts. In short, they work to ensure there is no effective competition to drive down prices in supply and production. They do this by hiding behind laws that fail to distinguish what the middlemen actually do, affording them the same protections as the real people who made the content, whilst often giving little or no real protection to small, real, but disenfranchised creators of actual content. This is about law, and law costs money. Big business can afford it. Everyone else can go to Hell. Meanwhile, big business moans and moans about losing so much revenue from the illegal activity of those who just ignore the rules and do what they like.

The modern market for digital content is like shopping at a crazy supermarket. Half the people are paying well over the odds for what they put in their trolley. The other half are shoplifters, walking out of the door with their pockets overflowing. The supermarket owners moan about all the shoplifters, and how much they lose as a result, but they keep prices high to exploit the honest customer. Everyone can see at least one partial solution to their problem. Cut prices, and you remove some of the incentive to steal… but big business makes even less money that way. Which is why they would rather endure lots of stealing than give up on milking the most money possible out of the remaining honest people.

Imagine no possessions. I wonder if you can.

John Lennon, Imagine

So where does Arnie Schwarzenegger come in, I hear you say. Well, the market for digital content is dysfunctional. There is no genuine competition to drive down prices. Legal protection is all skewed towards the owners of the intellectual property. They moan and moan about theft, whilst the thieves think of themselves as Robin Hoods, morally justified criminals who rob the rich and give to the poor (aka themselves and their friends). The Governator, bless him, has just stumbled upon the one thing that might shake this market up. It is called consolidated bargaining. If he can make big purchasing decisions like not buying textbooks, he can also drive down prices of the electronic texts he will be replacing them with. The motive to cut costs works equally well for physical and virtual textbooks. The state of California has every reason to save every penny it can, when it spends money on intangible licenses. In the crazy supermarket, there were too many thieves and too many daft people happy to be overcharged. There was no hope of building consensus by sitting down, talking, and realizing they could force prices down by co-operating with each other. The Robin Hoods got what they want by stealing, and the Honest Joes had more money than sense. But Arnie is neither Robin Hood nor Honest Joe. Arnie cannot steal, but he has no money to waste, either. What he does have is a big budget. If he, and other big budget holders in governments all over the world, worked to bring down prices, we might all see the benefit. Imagine going to the bookstore and realizing your school got a 10% discount for the same book you bought. Probably you would be happy enough about that. Then imagine they got a 90% discount. You would feel like you were being exploited. If big buyers force down prices, retail prices for ordinary people must follow, at least part of the way.

Arnie is the Terminator. If the suppliers will not reach a deal, he can could always threaten to unleash the holocaust on them. If he bought the equipment for every schoolkid to read digital content, he could also sidestep the suppliers of digital content, by paying for new content to be made for those schoolkids. If margins on digital textbooks are excessive, it would make economic sense to pay an author to write a new textbook. This would cut out the middle man entirely. Instead of being forced to pay eternal licence fees, the Governator could simply pay an author a one-off fee, leaving the state of California owning its own intellectual property and not needing to pay anyone else to use it. It could happen. The argument is no different to arguments about healthcare providers paying unreasonably high margins to pharmaceuticals companies. At least pharmaceuticals companies can argue they reinvest in research and development. I cannot see how you could rework that argument for school textbooks, or most other digital content, especially where the content can be created at low cost by individuals or very small businesses backed by minimal investment.

Sometimes the only forces that can defeat big, powerful, vested interests are other big, powerful, vested interests. You and I, buying our MP3s or ebooks, cannot do it. Most authors and musicians cannot do it, or else they may get elevated to a level where they no longer see any self-interest in doing it. It takes exceptional artists, like Radiohead or Paulo Coelho to disrupt the cosy market that gives hefty rewards to a few creative types, whilst making slaves of the rest. It took a coalition of mutual interest between healthcare, insurance and government, and some very enterprising lawyers, to take on Big Tobacco. A similar coalition of educators and government has the chance to do something similar to Big Publishing.

Arnie Schwarzenegger is little Johnny’s best hope. The Governator is about to start a process that will so upset the logistics and legalities of digital content that future historians will long debate where to place Arnie on the political spectrum. The best part is Arnie does not even know he is doing it. Consolidated bargaining is rather like forming a trade union, or using big government to control big business, so you could put Arnie in the vanguard of the old-fashioned left. Eliminating corrupt monopolies and oligopolies, who buy political influence and use it to ensure the law suits them, that sounds like the kind of thing a libertarian or right wing neo-con would want do. Making intellectual property worthless, by implementing your own means of production and distribution, that sounds like communism or even anarchism. This is where you end up, when you start down a route that tries to preserve an outdated legal framework and apply it to property that is totally divorced from any physical substratum. The new properties of new property will inevitably force a rewrite of law, even if the lawyers and legislators have not worked that out yet. The intellectual property laws are now as lacking in moral justification as were laws that governed the slave trade at the time they were repealed. Intellectual property laws can and will be bent, broken, changed or made irrelevant over time. Human nature will see to that, just as human nature thankfully saw that human slavery need not and should not be perpetuated just so one man could profit at the expense of another. Governor Schwarzenegger is only starting this process, but he, and others like him, will be back. Budget pressures and the competition for popular approval from voters will see to that. Demands for less taxes, and better schools, will make it happen. Each time they come back, they will be wanting more for less. It is the beginning of the end for intellectual property as we know it. For intellectual property, judgment day is coming. The verdict? To terminate, of course.

Even More Empire Strikes Back: Parallel Universe

In More Empire Strikes Back: Parallel Universe we left our alternative heroes in gloomy times. Han, Chewie, Leia and the Falcon have flown into an asteroid field. Yoda and Luke are stuck in the swamp. Read on for more from a parallel universe that lies somewhere between George Lucas’ imagination and the more familiar world around us.

[In a hovel in the swamp on Degobah, Yoda is encouraging Luke to sit down and eat.]

Luke: Look, I’m sure it’s delicious, but I want to begin my training now…

Yoda: Patience, for a Jedi it is time to eat as well, hum? Hm-hmm. Eat! He-he-heee. (Luke takes a bite of the swamp stew. He pulls a face.) Good food, good, hm-hmm?

Luke: (Bangs head on ceiling as he makes room for Yoda) Ow! Your ceiling is so low. You can’t have many visitors.

Yoda: My home, this is not. Dump, this place is! Rent this so you had somewhere to stay whilst here. I lodge with Jedi Master Tanah Lot at his house. Will present bill for rent on this place when training, you have completed.

Luke: Couldn’t you have got me somewhere nicer?

Yoda: No. Peak holiday season on Degobah, it is. Booked ahead, you should have. Not just arrive and expect to find somewhere to stay. Lucky I found this, you were. Nearly had to put you in the YACA.

Luke: YACA?

Yoda: Young Alien’s Christian Association. Clean beds but full of aliens with moustaches and tight leather trousers, if know what I mean, you do.

Luke: (Tips his bowl out of the window whilst Yoda is not looking). Look, Master Yoda, I’ve finished eating (shows Yoda his empty bowl as proof). Can we begin the training now?

Yoda: Eager are you. Why must you become Jedi?

Luke: Mostly because of my father, I guess.

Yoda: Father? Powerful Jedi was he… hmmm… powerful Jedi.

Luke: Aw, come on, how could you know my father? I’m wasting my time (throws bowl away in anger).

Yoda: I cannot teach him. The boy has no patience.

Obi-Wan: (Disembodied voice) He will learn patience.

Yoda: (Turns to look at Luke) Much anger in him, like his father.

Obi-Wan: Was I any different, when you taught me?

Yoda: Yes, you was only twelve years old! It took another thirteen years to complete your training. This one wants to be trained in just five weeks!

Luke: I’m ready! Ben, I can be a Jedi, tell him, I can be a Jedi!

Yoda: A Jedi must have the deepest commitment, the most serious mind. This one, a long time I have watched. Never his mind on where he was (pokes Luke with his walking stick). Adventure, hah, excitement, hah, a Jedi craves not these things.

Obi-Wan: Be reasonable, Yoda. It’s not like we learned light sabre skills so we could sit in an armchair and watch telly whilst eating chocolate digestives, did we?

Yoda: (Pokes Luke with his stick again) You are reckless…

Obi-Wan: So was I, if you remember.

Yoda: Yes, and look what a mess we are in now! You decided you had to train this one’s father. I warned you! You trained him to come back and hunt us all down! Trained him to kill you! Trained Vader to eat hob-nobs and watch ‘X-Factor’, you should have.

Obi-Wan: You got me on that point.

Yoda: (Looking at Luke) He is too old.

Luke: But I’ve learned so much.

Yoda: Really? So you already know how to leap thirty feet in the air?

Luke: No.

Yoda: Into the future, you can see?

Luke: No.

Yoda: Then you know how to persuade the feeble-minded to do what you will? Like, with hot chicks, how to get dates?

Luke: I wish.

Yoda: Then what, so far, have you learned?

Luke: I can make things levitate.

Yoda: Show me.

Luke: Here goes. (He reaches out with his hand towards a bowl on the table. The bowl shakes a little, rises up an inch above the table, then suddenly falls down again.)

Yoda: (Sarcastic) Hmmm, impressive! Almost complete, your training is!

Obi-Wan: He’ll pay double the going rate.

Luke: Yes, I’ll pay double, just train me.

Yoda: Will he finish what he begins? Not that it matters, I want payment up front, and no refunds!

Luke: I won’t fail you. I’m not afraid.

Yoda: (Sticks out ears) You will be. You will be.

Obi-Wan: But Master Yoda, you used to say: “Fear is the path to the dark side. Fear leads to anger, anger leads to hate, hate leads to suffering.”

Yoda: Who’s teaching the boy, you or me?

Obi-Wan: Sorry. You are.

Yoda: Good. (Turns to Luke) Time to begin your suffering… I mean your training.

[In the Asteroid field, two TIE Bombers repeatedly drop bombs on to the surface of the asteroid that the Falcon is hiding within. The bomber pilots are talking to each other over the radio.]

Bomber Pilot 1: This seems like a shocking waste of bombs. I can see there’s nothing beneath me but this stupid asteroid. I can’t see the ship we’re supposed to be chasing. So why are we dropping bombs?

Bomber Pilot 2: I think it’s meant to be like scaring crows. They’ll hear the noise, get frightened, fly off, and then we can chase them again.

Bomber Pilot 1: That’s the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard.

Bomber Pilot 2: I’m just following orders like everybody else. They say ‘drop bombs’ and I drop bombs. But I admit, it’s going to blow a hole in our munitions budget.

Bomber Pilot 1: You know what happened last time someone overran their budget like we’re about to? It was when they were building the Death Star. All they needed to do was fit some cheap, lousy safety grills over their exhaust vents, but they ran out of money. Then the next thing you know… boom!

[Inside the Falcon, Leia listens to the distant rumble of the bombs exploding far above the subterranean cavern where they have landed. Something flits outside the window. Leia gets up and looks closer.]

Gandark: (Smacks itself against the window, oozing a white substance from one of its orifices) Squeak, wibble, squawk.

Leia: Argh! There’s something out there!

Gandark: (With one of its tentacles, it smacks a piece of paper against the window screen) Squawk.

Han: I’m going out there. (Puts a mask on and goes outside. Outside, he walks around to the front of the ship and confronts Gandark.) Hey, what’s the problem, buddy?

Gandark: Squawk Squawk (translates as: “You can’t just park here. This a private parking cave. I can’t see no permit on display on the dashboard. That’ll be a two hundred credit fine. If I was you, I’d pay up before we tow this hunk of junk away.)

Han: (Looks around, noticing all the other spaceships parked in the cavern) So where do all these other ships come from? And why are they allowed down here?

Gandark: Squawk Squeek Squawk (translates as: “Jabba the Hutt’s private collection. Let’s just say he doesn’t want them becoming part of his divorce settlement.”)

Han: Look, it’s not like I want to park here. We’re having some problems with the engine.

Gandark: Squeek Squawk (translates as: “Then call a repair van, and get them to tow it away before I get someone else to do it for you.”) (Gandark flies off.)

Han: (Climbs up and removes the parking ticket from the windscreen of the Falcon) To hell with Jabba the Hutt. (Rips up the ticket) If he wants me to pay a parking fine, he’s welcome to come and collect it in person.

[Luke runs through the swamp, with Yoda on his back.]

Yoda: A Jedi uses the Force for knowledge and defence, never attack.

Luke: Wow, that’s an impractical rule.

Yoda: How so?

Luke: Well, what if I see some people beating on old woman in the street, can’t I attack them?

Yoda: No. Defend the old woman you can, but not attack her attackers.

Luke: Okay, what if two guys are creeping up behind you with guns, can you attack them?

Yoda: Defend yourself by striking first you can, but attack them, you cannot.

Luke: It seems to me you’re making a pedantic distinction between what is attack and what is defence. Why…

Yoda: No, no, there is no why!

Luke: How long did you say you have been training Jedis?

Yoda: Eight hundred years.

Luke: It’ll take me eight hundred years to understand what you’re talking about.

Yoda: (Climbs down). See that spooky cave? In you go.

Luke: What’s in there?

Yoda: Only what you take with you.

[Luke goes into the cave. Half an hour later, he comes back.]

Yoda: Well?

Luke: Well what? I was in that stupid slimy damp cave for half an hour, waiting for something to happen. Then I got bored and came back. You didn’t say what I was supposed to be doing in there.

Yoda: Did you not see Darth Vader? And then chop his helmet off with the light sabre? And then your own face see behind his mask?

Luke: No! Don’t be so silly. How corny would that be – me chopping off Vader’s head and discovering it’s my face behind his mask. Geez.

Yoda: Strange, that kind of thing always happens to me in that cave. Perhaps ready to be a Jedi you are, after all.

Luke: Not so fast – I paid for a five-week course. I’ve still got another three weeks to go…

[On board his Super Star Destroyer, the Executor, Vader gives instructions to a line-up of Bounty Hunters.]

Vader: I’m glad you could all make it in person. They’ll be a substantial reward for the one who finds the Millennium Falcon

Bossk: How much?

Vader: Excuse me?

Bossk: How much is the reward? It’s customary to agree the bounty in advance.

Vader: Twenty thousand credits?

[The bounty hunters all laugh amongst themselves.]

Boba Fett: It cost me more than that just to fly here.

Vader: Two hundred thousand credits?

Bossk: Plus expenses, right?

Vader: Okay. Plus expenses. But I expect to see receipts.

Boba Fett: We’ll show you the receipts. We have a code of honour. We’re bounty hunters, not Members of Parliament.

Vader: Very well. You are free to use any methods necessary, but I want them alive. No disintegrations.

Boba Fett: Of course. We’d hardly get paid for returning some disintegrated ashes to you and saying, ‘look, here’s your man!’

Admiral Piett: Lord Vader! My Lord, we have them.

Vader: Where?

Admiral Piett: Look, out of the window. (Points) There they are.

[The Falcon is being closely chased by the Executor.]

Boba Fett: Wait, wait, I saw them first. I claim the bounty!

Bossk: No, I saw them first! The bounty is mine!

[The other bounty hunters start arguing that they should each have the bounty.]

Vader: (Aside to Piett) You were right, we really don’t need their scum, do we?

[The Falcon is managing to hide from the Imperial Fleet by hanging on to the side of a Star Destroyer.]

Han: (Looking out of the window) The Fleet’s beginning to break up. If they follow standard Imperial procedure, they’ll dump their garbage before they go to light speed, and we’ll just float away…

Leia: … with the rest of the garbage.

C-3PO: Sir! Your referring to a rather outdated Imperial procedure. The Imperial Fleet has adopted a policy of 100% recycling – no more dumping of garbage. It’s the cornerstone of their environmentally-friendly policies.

Han: We’ll just have to risk it. Here we go Chewie, standby… detach.

[The Falcon detaches moments before the Star Destroyer jumps to lightspeed.]

Han: Those dolts – they never saw us. Heh heh – they should have kept a better lookout.

[The Falcon’s engines fire up, and they fly towards Bespin. Boba Fett’s ship follows them from some distance.]

Boba Fett: Easy money. I’ll have these clowns captured in no time. But let’s follow them for a while and bump up the mileage claim first.

[At Jedi Master Tanah Lot’s respectable three-storey, four-bedroom abode on Degobah.]

Tanah Lot: (Ring at the door) Coming, coming!

[Opens door to see Jedi Master Bora Bodur and Jedi Master Chechen Itcha. Bodur is holding a bottle of wine whilst Itcha has brought a box of cigars.]

Tanah Lot: Master Bodur, Master Itcha, I knew it was you! I sensed your presents.

Bora Bodur: Very droll. I would ask if everybody is here yet, but I can sense that we’re the first to arrive.

Tanah Lot: Come, sit down at the poker table. It’s always the same. You tell people the game starts at nineteen hundred hours, but they saunter along at nineteen thirty. No wonder we lost the war.

Chechen Itcha: We won the war, but were fighting for the wrong side.

Bora Bodur: No, we were fighting for the right side, but were betrayed by the Emperor and by our troops, who swapped sides.

Chechen Itcha: Yeah, but they swapped sides after they’d already won. So how does that work?

Tanah Lot: Master Bodur, Master Itcha, please, let’s leave off the argument of how we lost the Clone War, shall we? Why don’t you sit yourselves down at the poker table.

[They go through into Lot’s living room, and seat themselves around a circular poker table, with card decks and chips already laid out neatly. Chechen Itcha motions to hand out a cigar.]

Tanah Lot: Thanks, but you know we can’t smoke inside. You know what grumpy-guts Yoda is like when there’s smoke around.

Chechen Itcha: Where is Master Yoda? I can sense he’s not here already.

Tanah Lot: You won’t believe this, but he’s got a new apprentice.

Chechan Itcha: What!?!?? That old duffer’s persuaded someone to train with him? Obviously they haven’t heard about his reputation…

Bora Bodur: (Impersonates Yoda) ‘Judge me by my size?’ ‘There is no why!’ ‘Do or not do. There is no try!’ What a lot of rubbish.

Tanah Lot: I know. Seriously old school.

Bora Bodur: Eight hundred years old school. But you can’t teach an old frog new tricks. (Laughs)

[There is a ring at the door.]

Tanah Lot: Come in! It’s open!

[In walks Jedi Master Sha-na-ram-a-lang-a-ding-dong. He has brought a cake.]

Sha-na-ram-a-lang-a-ding-dong: Master Lot.

Tanah Lot: Master Sha-na-ram-a-lang-a-ding-dong.

Sha-na-ram-a-lang-a-ding-dong: Master Bodur.

Bora Bodur: Master Sha-na-ram-a-lang-a-ding-dong.

Sha-na-ram-a-lang-a-ding-dong: Master Itcha.

Chechen Itcha: Master Sha-na-ram-a-lang-a-ding-dong.

Tanah Lot: Where’s your friend, Master… erm… what was his name again?

Sha-na-ram-a-lang-a-ding-dong: Bates? He’s visiting relatives on planet Pugwash.

Tanah Lot: Let’s cut the deck and start dealing, should we? I sense Yoda will not be here for hours. He’s doing his ‘lifting the spaceship out of the swamp’ thing.

Chechen Itcha: That old trick? Why doesn’t he just call the breakdown service and get them to tow it out like everyone else?

[The Falcon touches down at Cloud City. The heroes exit the ship. Lando Calrissian arrives to greet them.]

Lando: (Hugs Han) How you doin’ you old pirate? So good to see ya! What’ya doing here?

Han: Repairs. (Gestures to the Falcon) I thought you could help me out.

Lando: What you been doin’ to my ship? You cheap chiseler, can’t you afford a decent breakdown service, like everyone else? I’ll have my boys take a look at it. And how you doin’ Chewbacca, you still hanging around with this loser?

Chewbacca: Growl. (translates as: “Yeah, I’m still hanging around with this loser.”)

Han: Thanks.

Lando: (Sees Leia. Pushes Han to one side.) Hello, what have we here? (Licks lips.) Welcome, I’m Lando Calrissian, and I own this whole city. Big, isn’t it? Isn’t it so groovy and white and high up in the clouds? We call it Cloud City. And who might you be?

Leia: Leia.

Lando: (Kisses Leia’s hand) Lay ‘er? That’s just what I was thinking.

Leia: Huh.

Han: Hey, wait your turn!

Leia: What?

Han: I mean… I mean… that’s no way to speak to a lady!?

Lando: (Turns towards to Leia again) So when should I take you to Cloud Nine?

Leia: Puh-lease. You won’t even be getting to first base.

To be continued”¦

…Because All Can Govern

My last two posts were entitled If All Politicians Are Bad”¦ and “¦We Must All Be Politicians”¦ respectively. Now you have seen the title of the third, and concluding, post in this series. In most minds, government is something done by ‘them’, a largely faceless and nameless group, generally loyal to a party leader who we might recognize. We have forgotten it has not always been so. The corruption we see in our rulers, and our antipathy towards them, are born of an unhappy marriage. On one side we have a form of democracy where we elect representatives. On the other, we have political parties; these hierarchies organize, control and fund candidates before they are elected, and continue to organize and control them after they are elected. We are so used to this wedding of a popularity contest with power-hungry tribalism that we tend to treat it as synonymous with the word democracy. It is not. As I pointed out in my first post, the word democracy is the conjunction of the Greek words “dêmos”, meaning “people”, and “krátos”, meaning rule. Our democracies would be unrecognizable to the Athenians responsible for the first democracy. The greatest difference is that, for the Athenian citizens, democrat government was something they participated in. In contrast, most of our citizens are disaffected by government and their relationship with it. They view it as something done by ‘them’ to ‘us’. That feeling, that we do not participate in government, begs the question of whether we deserve to describe our constitution as democratic.

Our era is the most legalistic the human race has ever known. We have more rules today than have ever been before. Rules for what taxes to pay, rules for our benefits entitlements, rules for our health and safety, rules for how we got or lose a job, rules for what expenses we can claim, and many more rules besides. Rules supplant the need for reason. Rules supplant the need to judge what is right, and what is wrong. Instead of being responsible for the affect of our actions on others, we are only responsible for obeying, or breaking, the rules. When a terrible wrong is done, but no rule is broken, our rulers immediately set to work on changing the rules, in order to make the world a better place. I am not sure if that is the right approach. It seems guaranteed to generate evermore rules, but not better rules. During this most recent scandal, when so many Members of Parliament engaged in petty scams to enrich themselves, the near-universal excuse has been: “but we were following the rules!” Of course the MPs were following the rules. They followed the rules just like a taxpayer follows the rules but tries to lower a tax bill, or a benefits claimant follows the rules and tries to increase the value of the benefits received. Rules are like lines on a sports field. They define limits. So long as we stay within those limits, then we have abided by the rules. So long as we stay within the rules, then we are in the right…? So long as the referee does not blow his whistle, then we have done nothing wrong…? We make a slippery slope to climb, when we build a mountain out of rules.

There is such a thing as right and wrong, and it is not the same as a set of rules, no matter how long or perfect they may be. If we all stopped doing everything else, and sat, and constructed the most perfect rules we could ever imagine, and then went back to our lives, we would soon discover the folly in our actions. There would still be people who did wrong, but broke no rule. There would still be people who did right, but broke a rule. Our sense of right and wrong is infinitely sophisticated. It outstrips any set of rules we can devise.

In law, ignorance of the law is no defence. That is lucky for lawyers, because the law is no so extensive that no lawyer knows mores than a fraction of it. Knowing the law is like knowing familiar roads. I might know every road from my home to my work, but I have no idea about the roads between Rome and Milan, and still less between Ulaanbaatar and Beijing. If being good means never breaking the rules, you might as well expect me to drive from the Mongolian capital to the Chinese capital without ever taking a wrong turn or getting lost. Unfortunately, there is no equivalent of GPS for the law. Even the British law-makers, many of whom are lawyers by profession, do not know all the laws that govern them. As has also been pointed out recently, time and again they made mistakes in their expenses claims. Claiming for porno films was a mistake. Claiming for mortgage interest on the wrong house was a mistake. Many MPs have said they did not mean to enrich themselves by breaking the rules, the rule-breaking was an accident, and often because they did not know they were breaking a rule. So even the people who make a career of writing rules find it impossible to follow rules. Ignorance is no defence, but the MPs offer it as explanation. This should give us a clue as to whether we expect too much from endless writing and re-writing of rules, and should be looking for other ways to promote right over wrong.

The English language is full of mental gymnastics. One of my favourites is a phrase we have heard a lot recently: “the spirit of the rule”. The spirit of the rule is what you would get if you could write a rule to say what you actually want it to say, except you cannot write a rule that way. The funny thing about “the spirit of the rule” is that people can know what it is, even if they cannot put it into words. Such is the nature of right and wrong. We can know what is right, and what is wrong, even if we cannot put it into words. If we did not have this innate faculty for telling right from wrong there would be no point to having laws, and, by extrapolation, a legislature or government of any sort. There would be no sense to writing a law if we had no way of conceiving the right things we want, and the wrong thing we want to prevent, before they were put into words. What is more, many of us share this same ability. We can agree what is right and wrong, because we perceive right and wrong the same way. This is no coincidence. It is fundamental to our idea of what it is to be a human being, an animal with moral attributes as well as physical and intellectual attributes. Democracy depends upon this idea. We, the people, can judge right and wrong. We can do so independently of any rules previously written down. This ability guides us, making us strive for an ideal society where right prevails and wrong is curtailed. It is something we give to the world, not something handed down to us. It is not something that comes from books of law, written by people for people. It is already within people. The difficulty is not that we lack it and must compensate by getting someone else to give it to us. The difficulty is that any of us might chose not to follow it.

The crisis around the abuse of expenses by British MPs is slowly turning. If it continues the way it has, it looks likely that we will soon head down the same road that got us into this mess. For a while it will feel like we are making progress, but after a while we will soon notice that the landscape seems eerily familiar. A while later we will realize we have been here before, and gone precisely nowhere. Most voters want to vote in somebody new to rule. Like motorists going from Ulaanbaatar to Beijing who then got lost in the wilderness, we have decided the problem was with the directions we took, so we need a new driver at the wheel. Throw out the one-eyed Scots idiot, and replace him with the telegenic old Etonian or the one who used to amuse us with funny vegetables. We can go to sleep on the back seat, and when we wake up, we will have arrived at our destination. When you say it like that, the problem is pretty obvious. Whoever is at the wheel will drive the car in the direction they want to go.

The usual suspects, hoping to get power, only rarely have to listen to the ballot box. As I noted in my earlier posts, in most constituencies in this nation, the voters pick the same party every election, no matter how good the individual candidates are. The real influence is not held by the voter, but by the parties that select which candidates will stand for them. Political parties are fundamentally undemocratic. They represent the wishes of groups within our society, not the wishes of the whole people. They also represent the wishes of the people most motivated to get power, whether their reasons or good or bad. It should be no surprise that bad people are likely to be drawn to party politics, because it offers them opportunities to get power without merit. The party machines work like any other selective network, giving favours for favours received, and serving rewards for time served. Loyalty to the party, and to the party’s quest for power, is more important that caring about what is right. Bad behaviour, so long as it is not disloyal, is often hushed up or ignored by political parties. It gets rationalized away. Why admit to doing bad, when it is easier to point fingers at the bad things done by the other side. Dedicated political activists are little better than naughty children. Try getting a Labour party activist to admit invading Iraq was all about supporting George Bush’s hunt for oil, or getting a Tory grandee to admit tax cuts are not only good for the economy, they are also great for the rich. Political parties can never be anything more than groups of people with a mutual interest in getting power. Everything else is window-dressing. Power is a magnet to those made of corrupted mettle. When political parties are such an obviously warping influence, the real surprise is not that our rulers fiddle their expenses, but that their corruption seems to be so modest.

The ancient Greek philosopher Aristotle classified the rule of the many as being the worst of the good constitutions, and the best of the bad constitutions. If it strives to do the best for society, it will be less effective than either the rule of the one or the rule of few. However, if it is corrupted, and serves the interests of one group rather than society as a whole, the limitations on its power mean it will do less harm than an oligarchy or a tyrant. The British constitution is a democracy, and per Aristotle’s categorization it delivers a perverted rule by the many. We have a system where the many play a part in deciding the government, but their decision is mediated by a party machine that ensures the interests of a subset must inevitably and regularly be placed above the interests of the whole. That much is essential in order to maintain party loyalty and to keep the parties functioning. If parties handed out no favours, there would be no reason for anybody to support one party over another. Forget the dewey-eyed sentimentalism about ideology and all that guff. If it was just a case of picking our rulers based on what they thought, we could simply ask them and vote accordingly. Parties are not necessary in order to find rulers we agree with, but they are a good way for our rulers to exert more control than they otherwise would.

One way to reduce corruption, and to strengthen democracy, might be to do away with parties. Of the 646 MPs that are currently sitting in the British House of Commons, there was only one who was both elected as an independent and who has never used a party machine to build a popular base. He is Dr. Richard Taylor, MP for Wyre Forest. In 2005, he successfully held the seat he won in 2001, being the first incumbent independent to win since 1949. The few other independent MPs were either elected whilst standing for a party and have since resigned the party whip, or were elected as independents but have benefited from former party allegiances. Only 12 independent candidates have been elected to Parliament since 1950, and of those only two, Taylor and former news correspondent Martin Bell, could say their political careers owed no debt to any campaign by any political party. However, political parties have not always been as important as they are in Britain today. In Britain’s history, parties used to be a lot looser affiliations of like-minded people, with less obvious leadership and not such stringent control over how its members voted in Parliament. As more people gained the vote, and more money was needed for campaigning, parties have become more influential, and now they have a stranglehold on the Parliamentary system.

In the US, political parties are not as powerful as they are in the UK. The US President is a foremost an individual, and not the leader of a party. Compared to the UK, US political parties are more concerned with fundraising than with ideology. Given the vast sums of money involved, political parties are naturally keen to select popular candidates. This is the inverse of the British system, where it there is an assumption that voters vote for the party, and supporters give money to the party, but people care little about the actual candidate. Perhaps of most importance is how US parties pick their candidates. Many people get to participate, unlike the British parties who tend to give more control to a smaller group of party activists. In some cases US candidates are selected through an open primary, where people can vote even if they are not affiliated to the party. Tory Leader David Cameron recently floated the idea of open primaries, though he stopped short of fully endorsing it.

Proportional Representation (PR) might be a way to decrease the power of parties, if it helped a wider spread of people to get into Parliament. Unfortunately, PR tends to increase the power of parties, by emphasizing that people most vote for a party, and not just for an individual representative. It also tends to give increased power to the hierarchy within parties, who get to decide things like the ranking order in which its candidates get elected. There is an argument that PR makes parties more powerful because it leads to lots of back-room deals between party high-ups. There may be some truth in that, but I suspect that argument is really about the distribution of power between big parties and small parties, and not about the power of parties per se. One big party with a big majority will still conduct plenty of back-room deal-making and deal-breaking amongst the leaders of its internal factions. These deals, completely internal to party politics, have nothing to do with democracy or the will of the people. Tony Blair did a back-room deal with Gordon Brown about when he would hand over leadership and the role of Prime Minister. Gordon Brown then moaned and groaned about him breaking it, as is now well-documented in various autobiographies of others who bore witness. I see no great reason to prefer back-room deals between parties over those within parties. The only difference is that the former are much more obvious, and arguably that is an advantage to the voter.

Another approach might be to make parties less powerful by making it easier for independent candidates to raise funds and raise their profiles. If there were more independent MPs, the power of political parties would be reduced because there would be an increased need to build consensus within Parliament rather than just relying on gaining a majority and using party discipline. This is the reasoning behind a new party-but-not-a-party that will promoting a slate of candidates in the June 4th European elections. They are called the Jury Team and their main sponsor is Sir Paul Judge, a former Director General of the Conservative Party and Ministerial Adviser. Aside for the clever play on words with the name of its prominent member, the name Jury Team is very apt. Their core argument is that many ordinary people, without party political affiliations, but with an interest in public service, have the necessary skills and experience to be good Members of Parliament. It is essentially the same argument about what should qualify people to do jury service. Unlike career politicians, Independent MPs are not hamstrung by the corrosive influence of political parties, and are free to put the concerns of the whole of society above the interests of any particular group. It is not necessary for an MP to be vetted by one or other ideological-cum-fundraising camp in order to be a good MP, just as the qualities of a good juror are not determined by preselecting the kinds of jurors more likely to find the accused innocent rather than guilty, or vice versa. Independent MPs are more likely to judge each decision based on the evidence and the arguments and their relative merits, like a jury does when judging a court case. This is unlike party politicians who frequently subordinate individual judgement to the collective will of their party.

I will be voting for the Jury Team at this coming election, though I can of plenty of reasons not to. For a start, the way politics currently works, they are unlikely to prosper, though I also recognize that a defeatist attitude tends to benefit the status quo to the detriment of much-needed change. Then, the Jury Team, despite all its assurances that elected representatives will be free to vote according to their conscience, still has a minimalist manifesto focused around constitutional change. That makes the Jury Team something of a diet version of a political party. It still runs campaigns about voting for a collective group, rather than voting for individuals, and it still pursues funding and membership like any other party would. One merit it that it has chosen its candidates based on completely open primaries. The Jury Team was dubbed the ‘X-Factor Party’ because candidates were selected based on the SMS votes of the general public. Even so, there is a problem with the idea of a group that is not a group, a body of people who work together for mutual interest, but have no mutual interest. Right now there is no leadership or hierarchy in the traditional party political sense, and no common manifesto. However, power corrupts. If the Jury Team is successful, it will doubtless attract the involvement of all sorts of people who are rather keener on getting power than on upholding the very high-minded principles that currently define the Jury Team’s minimalist shared agenda. They will want to recreate hierarchies, and authority, and all the other mechanisms necessary to help them exercise power and compromise less. My political antennae started twitching the moment that has-been showbiz personality Esther Rantzen started turning up to Jury Team press conferences. Does she represent a happy coincidence of a person who loves the limelight and has deep-held beliefs about reforming party politics? Or is the happy coincidence that she would like to be back in the limelight and a furore about corrupt politicians might help her do that? Now David Van Day, formerly one half of pop act Dollar, says he wants to stand for Parliament to help clean up the system. I fear for any political system that is going to be ‘fixed’ by people whose most prominent recent qualification is that they appeared on I’m a Celebrity Get Me Out of Here.

Instead of electing faded celebrities and party apparatchiks into positions of power, going to sleep, and occasionally waking up when we realize what a mess they have made and how corrupt they are, we could all do with a democracy that lets us, the people, make decisions. There is a way, and we still use it today. The Jury Team allude to it in their name. We pick representatives to make important decisions all the time. Those people are representatives not because they have some special skill or because they won an election. They are representatives because we have built our society on the guiding principle that most people can tell good from bad, and will choose good over bad. Jurors are people like you and me, as ordinary or extraordinary as any one of us. They get to make important decisions, that determine the future of the individuals on trial, and the safety of the general public. We trust jurors to decide that murderers are put in prison, so they cannot murder again. We trust jurors to acquit the falsely accused. They are twelve people, picked by a lottery. We trust their judgement. Their judgement is assured not by some special qualification, not by some vetting of an organization of like-minded people, and not by any absurd claim to fame. Their judgement is assured by the same moral compass, as reliable or unreliable, as found within all of us. We trust them to make the most important legal decisions not because they know the law, but because they know the difference between right and wrong.

In ancient Athens, in the first democracy, they had not evolved all the rules and mechanics and procedures that determine how we live today and how our government works. They did not have laws and lawyers like we do. No small and ancient society could have borne the tremendous cost of the enormous bureaucracies we have around us today. Athens had neither the manpower, the technology, nor the motive to install vast and expensive institutions to govern a populous supposedly too busy to govern themselves. That did not stop them having right and wrong, and finding ways to agree, as a collective group, on how to get more of what is right, and less of what is wrong. In terms of participation, they were far more democratic than we are today. They had direct democracy, quite unlike the representative democracy we have today. Every citizen could participate in government and vote on specific laws and executive orders. They were far more participatory in how they made every judgement. For example, juries might consist of 500 citizens picked by lottery, unlike the 12 we use in Britain today.

In ancient Athens, the population was probably around 300,000 in total, and 10% of these would be citizens eligible to participate in all aspects of democratic government. The current population of the United Kingdom is just under 61m. Nobody could imagine a direct democracy involving 61m people, or rather of the 45m citizens who would be eligible after you applied an age threshold, barred prisoners and the mentally incompetent. But we also would struggle to imagine the scale of the democractic assemblies that the Athenians held, where it might be necessary to attain a quorum of 6,000 to make a decision, and where the decision was made according to the vote of everybody who attended (with no postal votes or votes by proxy). Athens was powerful, wealthy and successful. They were prosperous. They made good decisions not by electing good representatives, but by trusting the whole citizenry to make good decisions. If they could do it, why not we?

Of course, I am not suggesting 45m people all walk down to London and have a big debate. That would be foolish. I am also not suggesting that everything be decided by referendum. Most of the real politicking, when it comes to referenda, revolves around the question to be asked. Any pollster can tell you that you influence the answer by how you ask the question. Referenda give bad decisions because they encourage people to think of one question at a time, and not to resolve any inconsistencies. You would no more want government policy decided by referendum than you would want the outcome of a murder trial to be decided by a public vote of people who may or may not have paid attention to the trial. The science of the referendum is the science of the leading question. Should we spend more on healthcare? Yes! Should we spend more on education? Yes! Should we allow the Gurkhas to settle here, do a better job of protecting children at risk and clean up the litter from our streets? Yes, Yes and Yes! Should we pay more in taxes? … erm… (coughs and looks around sheepishly)… erm… maybe other people should pay more in taxes but… erm… (hushed voice) not me.

You cannot get good decisions from a lot of barely interested people. We trust the public, which is why our juries are composed of the public, but we also know they are weak, and busy, and easily distracted, and have a lot on right now, what with the children playing up and auntie being unwell and the problem with the damp spot in the guest bedroom. With juries, we take the public away from their normal lives and ask them to perform a public service for a limited time, concentrate on the job, do it well, then go back to their normal lives. In other words, we expect a jury to be quite unlike a careerist politician, for whom public service (or their version of it) is normal life. The model works well for some of the most serious public decisions that need to be made. We could apply it more widely. We should include the public in the making of decisions by our legislature, and our executive, as well as our courts. I hesitate as I type those words, because for a hundred people who read them, ninety-nine will believe we need an elite to do those jobs for us. Ninety-nine out of every hundred believes themselves too busy to participate in government, or unwilling to trust others, or is convinced that some people have a special talent to rule and that those special people are the ones who rule. Saying an ordinary person might make good decisions is almost a taboo, we have become so used to the idea of experts and specialists and careerists running every aspect of the world around us. I challenge that notion. There are no people with special qualifications that make them much better to be legislators, or Foreign Secretary, or Minister for Housing, or Speaker of the House of Commons, or Prime Minister, or Chancellor of the Exchequer, Shadow Education Secretary, or to sit on the Public Accounts Committee, or to do any of the hundreds of very different jobs we now seem to believe should only be done by career politicians. Harriet Harman may care deeply about social justice, and David Davis may feel strongly about preserving our liberties, but I fail to see why that would make either of them automatically superior at deciding how to test schoolchildren, which sources of energy the nation should invest in, or the punishments that should be handed out for fox hunting or kerb crawling. We are all equally competent to decide those things, or if not equally competent to make a decision, we are all equally incompetent at deciding who should decide except to prefer the people who would decide the same way we would and not the people who would decide the opposite.

We could do away with having people to make decisions, especially as we currently pick the people who make the decisions on the basis that they make the decisions we would have made if we were in their position. We could just make the decisions ourselves. We are too busy to do that, of course, but not too busy all the time. Jurors are busy people too, but some sacrifice is necessary for the public good. Jurors give up their time for the well being of us all. By picking jurors at random, juries are perfectly representative, without all the silliness, fuss, cost and bother of an election. In fact, picking people by lottery is a lot better way of getting representatives who actually represent who we are. In elections, we chose people who look good on telly, or who have the right-sounding names, or because they sound like they know what they are talking about, and for a hundred other reasons that makes them good at winning elections but not necessarily any good for making decisions. Geoffrey Archer, Jonathan Aitken, Peter Mandelson, David Blunkett, Norman Tebbett, Edwina Currie… if these self-serving, self-important, pompous, odious, objectionable and despicable people have special qualifications to be our rulers, then we should pick rulers who have no qualifications.

Picking people for high office based on lottery is not new either. Once again, the ancient Athenians got there first. Apart from a few special roles which required particular expertise, like being a general in the army, most officials were picked by lottery. It was not compulsory, but large numbers were willing to do their public service. Forcing somebody to take on an important job against their will would be foolish, but otherwise it was assumed that every person had the innate talents to fulfill their duties. There was trust in the honesty and integrity of the common person. Furthermore, the Athenians selected officials by lottery because it was the most democratic way to do it. As they appreciated, voting favours people who are rich, or eloquent, or famous. Picking lots prevents corruption, at least in the selection process. The Athenian democracy did need measures to impeach and punish corrupt officials, just as we do today. If anything, they needed these procedures less often, though it would have been easier to instigate the removal of a corrupt official in Athens; the participatory nature of the democratic assembly meant any citizen could propose and vote on the removal and punishment of someone corrupt. Contrast that to the corruption inherent to and hidden by the party machines, notoriously unwilling to eject the corrupt from their ranks and punish them for their sins. Under Athenian rules, it would be hard to imagine Peter Mandelson enjoying the lengthy political career he has enjoyed under the patronage of the British Labour Party.

In ancient Athens, there were limits on how often people would be picked for an office. Most offices were one term only, some permitted the same person to be picked twice. Compare that to these tedious career politicians, more motivated by the fear of losing their jobs and expenses than caring about doing their jobs well. There has been a riot of activity to clean up Westminster since the news of MP’s fiddles became public. Contrast that with the total inactivity for so many years before, followed by a period where the only activity involved stratagems to keep the truth from the public. Jurors make the right decisions because they have no reason not to. Politicians have plenty of reasons to make the wrong decisions, motivated as they are by keeping their party happy and their bills paid. Inevitably, the longer a person does a job, the less keen they will be to find themselves forced to find an alternative line of work. This is the well-spring for corruption: when decisions are made not because of what is right and wrong, but because of the needs of the person making them.

It would not take that radical an experiment to bring ordinary people, picked by lottery, into the democratic decision-making process. We have a two-chamber Parliament in Britain, but one chamber is now utterly dysfunctional due to a mix of historical inheritance, creeping decrepitude and Labour’s half-assed reforms. The House of Lords is now an anachronism in every possible sense. Rather than being an effective buttress to the House of Commons, and a way to bring other skills into government, it is at best irrelevant, at worst, another tool to aid corruption. The Lords are full of people who were ennobled (even that word now bears the taint of repeated corruption) in exchange for a lifetime of service to party machines, masquerading as a lifetime of service to the public. Peter Mandelson is now Baron Mandelson, and sits in the Lords. Need I say more? Given the need to reform this abomination, we could simply do away with this gratuitous hall of toadies and replace them with people who genuinely represent the nation.

Imagine a chamber of ordinary people, not motivated by greed and with no long-term career plan, debating and considering what is in the best interests of the nation. Pick, by lottery, a thousand willing candidates from the public, and give them the power to block legislation they disagree with. Let them sit in their own debating chamber, and vote separately, acting as a balance to the party-dominated House of Commons. Give them the right to propose new legislation, and make the careerists in the Commons debate ideas that come from outside the narrow circle of party activists, lobbies, trade unions and business interests that currently determine the legislative agenda. Allow these citizen volunteers to sit on Parliamentary committees, and hence to dilute the importance of parties in all aspects of Parliamentary scrutiny and review. Ask them to serve once, for the term of a year. Pay them a fair reward for their time, and allow them to talk to the political parties if they like, but punish any attempts to influence them through promises of rewards or positions in exchange for how they vote. I believe there will be plenty enough willing volunteers to give a very good spread of the beliefs and principles of British people. Because they would have time to focus on detail, they will be informed and make good judgements, like a jury would. They would be independent, and as free from the taint of corruption as is possible to imagine. Would they do a good job? Perhaps not. On the whole, they will be average. Being thoroughly average, they would provide the best guarantee that our government is the least worst of all options. Aristotle thought rule by the many was the least best when good, the least worst when bad. He was not thinking of a democracy like ours, which is more like an elective oligarchy than the democracy through participation that was found in ancient Athens. The need for support from the many puts a limit on power. It limits the power to do both good and bad. Party politics also imposes limits, but there is plenty of reason to suspect their influence is bad overall, turning our rulers into members of self-serving clubs that represent factional interests first and foremost. We can limit the parties by increasing the participation of people, the dêmos, in the job of making important decisions. And if you do not think it is a good idea to let ordinary folks make important decisions, I have only one question for you. If you do not trust your fellow citizens to act like good rulers, how can you expect them to select good rulers? We either believe in democracy, or we do not. If we do, then let us have more, and that involves taking power from self-serving groups and giving it back to people. The only way to do that is to bypass the need to form those self-serving groups, by involving people directly.

…We Must All Be Politicians…

In my last post, I felt driven to comment on the current scandal surrounding British Members of Parliament and how they have been able to abuse their expenses. In that regard, I have been like most people in Britain, who have been talking to each other with outrage about the actions of some of our greedier MPs. Now I want to stop talking about what MPs did and how they got away with it for so long. Now I want to talk about what we should do about it.

The first observation to make is that MPs deserve some credit for outing themselves. In 2000, Parliament passed the Freedom of Information Act. The purpose of the act can be succinctly explained as follows:

The Freedom of Information Act gives you the right to obtain information held by public authorities unless there are good reasons to keep it confidential.

From the website of the Information Commissioner’s Office

Then along came a journalist. She did something that only a tiny proportion of journalists do, but something all the other journalists find useful to write about. She did some original research. Heather Brooke asked about the expense claims made by MPs. Five years later, and after winning her case in the High Court, those expenses have still not been officially published. What has been published is a leak of the information collated to satisfy Heather Brooke’s original question. If Heather Brooke had not asked her question, and won her case, then nobody would have compiled the information that has now been leaked.

Then along came John Wick. He is an ex-SAS officer who now works in risk management. It seems the government, so keen on collecting data about honest law-abiding citizens, and so careless with protecting it, should take his advice on managing risks. With help from an anonymous accomplice, Wick obtained what he called “an unregistered copy” of the expenses database “as a result of lax and unprofessional security procedures used in the House of Commons”. He also says that “the protective classification given to this project was described to me… as offering the same protection as a wet paper bag”. Looking through the data, Wick was unhappy with the way the original and complete list of expenses was being tarted up for publication – by censoring the uncomfortable truths it contained. Wick then leaked the database to the Telegraph, so they could print the full details, without any omissions.

Thank you, Heather Brooke. She used the law for a good purpose and asked a question that needed to be answered. She fought for the answer in the law courts, and she prevailed. Thank you, John Wick. He took a personal risk in order to do a public good. That decision has been vindicated. The Metropolitan Police and the Crown Prosecution Service have reportedly stated that Wick will not face any charges because the information he leaked is in the public interest and is not a threat to public safety. Final thanks should also go to our MPs, or rather to the MPs who voted for the Freedom of Information Act in 2000. Their reasons for passing the Freedom of Information Act were good. It is just that some of them did not anticipate the good consequences that would follow – good consequences in general, bad consequences for those particular MPs that submitted expense claims in order to fiddle the taxpayer. It is also a shame that some, like the reprehensible former Speaker, Michael Martin, then wasted even more taxpayer money on trying to block the consequences of this law to promote transparency. He was more concerned with hiding dirty laundry than upholding the laws his Parliament had written. This has also been a victory for Parliamentary incompetence over Parliamentary corruption. MPs will pay dearly for spending so much taxpayer’s money on legal obstructions to keep expenses secret, whilst spending so little on the security of that information.

Since the scandal broke, there has been an overwhelming tidal wave of resentment towards MPs. Passions are high. Unfortunately, when blood runs hot, brains often freeze up. The scandal has provoked a spectrum of proposed solutions. These range from demands that the expenses system should be independently policed, to voters saying they will switch allegiance to the BNP. You could also say the proposals range from the stupid to the very stupid.

Let us examine the idea of “independent” scrutiny. It is a fantastic idea – there is a job that needs doing, so let us give it someone else to do. Make it SEP – Somebody Else’s Problem. It is exactly the kind of thinking we hear after every public mess. Going back in history, it is exactly the kind of thinking that got us into this mess. Our MPs are already independent. They are independent of the King, or Queen. That is why we have a Parliament, to curtail the arbitrary rule of the monarch and to govern the nation based on the consent of the people. The British Parliament is the most independent body in Britain. Everything else depends upon it. The Queen has the power to dissolve Parliament and have an election, but in practice she never does this without being told to do it by the Prime Minister. All other sovereign power comes from Westminster (let us skip arguments about the European Union for now). Parliament and Parliamentarians may sometimes break the laws, but Parliament always gets to make the laws. The courts can only curtail Parliament when Parliament breaks its own laws, and even if the courts did intervene, Parliament could just decide to change the law to suit itself. If MPs decide to suspend elections indefinitely, they can pass a law and do it. If MPs decide to pay themselves a one-off bonus of £2 million pounds each, they can pass a law and do it. If they decide they want to punish someone for doing something they think wrong, they can pass a law and then direct the expenditure of millions of pounds on hunting that person and having them punished. They can do that if the person committed the crime before the law they broke existed. They can do that if the person broke a British law whilst in another country where their actions are not considered illegal. If that seems a bit arbitrary, it is, but the public loves it all the same. The public has no problem with arbitrary laws to punish ex-Nazis who never expected they might be subject to British laws, or to punish paedophiles who visit Asia to get their kicks. In short, Parliament already has any and every power needed for absolute rule. The reason they do not tyrannize the nation and plunder its wealth is not because somebody created an “independent” body to stop them. The reason is because we – the collective British public – would stop them.

King John of England was a tyrant of the worst order. His murderous, avaricious and lustful excesses were so infamous that England never had another king named John. Yet he agreed to the Magna Carta. In 1215, the Magna Carta proclaimed that everybody – Kings included – was subject to law. Its principles have had an inestimable impact on the history of the world, influencing the development of constitutional law all over the planet. It enshrines freedoms for all, whilst making all subject to due process in the execution of the law. For example, clause 29 states:

NO Freeman shall be taken or imprisoned, or be disseised of his Freehold, or Liberties, or free Customs, or be outlawed, or exiled, or any other wise destroyed; nor will We not pass upon him, nor condemn him, but by lawful judgment of his Peers, or by the Law of the Land. We will sell to no man, we will not deny or defer to any man either Justice or Right.

Wonderful though Magna Carta is, King John did not agree to it because he was a generous fellow who wanted what was right for his people. He was forced to agree to it. King John was forced by a rebel alliance amongst the most powerful barons in Britain. They were tired of John’s taxes and his pursuit of their wives and daughters. To force John to compromise, the barons occupied London. Magna Carta was a peace deal, designed to impose balance. It demonstrated that power could be taken away from a ruler, if other men acted collectively. Magna Carta embodied the idea that if a ruler is unjust, then it is just for his subjects to band together and usurp the ruler’s authority. That principle has been carried down to today, and still underpins democracy. Although Magna Carta is a written document, the principle does not exist in words alone. For there to be balance, just people must be prepared to band together and act when their rulers fail them.

To borrow from US President Harry Truman, the British Parliament is where the buck stops. The people with the ultimate power to create an “independent” body to oversee the expenses of people in Parliament is… Parliament. The people with the ultimate power to decide who works for that body, what they get paid, whether the body is scrapped or reformed is… Parliament. Yes, Parliament can pass laws to get in the way of itself, just like it passed a law which the unintended consequence that we all got to see MPs expenses. It could also have repealed that law. Asking for an extra quango, paid for from taxpayer money, to supervise the actions of MPs is an irrelevance. What we need is for the British public to be public-spirited, and to act like Heather Brooke and John Wick. The British public needs to supervise the actions of MPs, not some unelected body that must ultimately be appointed by the Parliament it is meant to supervise. We must recognize that our rulers answer to nobody, unless they first answer to all of us.

MPs are already subject to plenty of independent scrutiny. The MP for the Isle of Wight, Andrew Turner (Conservative) has the most independent scrutineers. These scrutineers may also be described as eligible voters. There were 108,253 in his constituency at the last general election. The MP for Na h-Eileanan an Iar, Angus MacNeil (Scottish National) gets by with the least, with only 21,884 constituents in 2005. The great thing about these independent scrutineers is that they are cheap, because they are us. Except, we did not do a very good job. We voted red or blue on a moronic party-driven basis, and forgot to ask questions of the individuals that were being elected. We may not have known about the expenses, but how many of us thought to ask? Any one of us could and should have asked our own MPs to voluntarily publish details of their own expense claims. Public pressure would have made them do it, just like public pressure is now making a lot of them write big cheques for refunds. Some would have gladly done it. Douglas Carswell, the Conservative MP who was a leader of the revolt against the Speaker, was one MP who voluntarily published all his expenses before there was any scandal. It voters cannot expect Parliament to supervise itself, it should not expect an “independent” body to do so either. Voters need to be the ones who keep an eye on their representatives. Like they say, if you want a job done well, do it yourself.

At present, MPs’ bigger fiddles seem to be worth somewhere between £10,000 and £20,000. There are 646 MPs in total. If MPs ripped off the state by £10,000 on average each year (and we should remember that not all of them are corrupt) then the annual cost to taxpayers is about £6.5 million. That makes this the expenses scandal an argument about principles and good goverance, not an argument about money. This year it looks like the government will borrow a total of £175 billion to pay for all the things deemed vital for a happy prosperous Britain but which the government cannot actually afford. They borrowed £8.5 billion in April alone, a record for that month. We should all be able to agree that Britain has some more serious financial issues to deal with than the pilfering of £6.5m by MPs. Compare the amount that was cheated from the public purse to the amount that will be spent, from now until the crack of doom, if Parliament creates an independent quango to monitor MP’s expenses. To begin with, the quango will need to have a leader who is highly-qualified, very respected, utterly impartial, and well enough paid to be incorruptible. That should mean a salary of at least a £100,000 per year, plus pension pot and other benefits giving a £150,000 per year total package. His or her office will need a staff. Assume five people to deal with the claims themselves, which would equate to about 20 mandays per year being spent reviewing and checking each MP’s expenses. Anything less and you might as well not bother; it would be too easy to cheat. Then you can add another five people in the office to handle all the other nonsense of running a small organization as imposed by laws, rules and regulations (Health and Safety etc) plus the huge amount of time that will be spent communicating with and answering questions from both the media and from private individuals. The total payroll is now looking like it would be half a million pounds at least. Then they need to work in an office somewhere – probably somewhere expensive in central London so they are close to the MPs, and they will need computers, phones, desks and all the rest. We can comfortably reach the point where this independent body needs an annual budget of £2m. What starts out looking like an exercise in saving taxpayer’s money soon ends up an exercise in wasting taxpayer’s money, except in a different way.

We should use another comparison to create some perspective. The Telegraph, the newspaper that leaked the contents of the expenses database in order to boost its circulation and profits, sells between 800,000 and 1,000,000 copies every day. The cover price of the Telegraph is 90p. If Telegraph readers gave up the newspaper for a fortnight, and paid over the money they saved to the taxman, they would more than cover the MPs’ abuses. The cost of this scandal is about 10p per every British citizen per every year it has been going on. That puts it near the bottom of the list of shocking wastes of taxpayer’s money. On the other hand, many more millions are spent every year by private citizens who just want to be aware of the news. That money is well spent, if it means the populous is informed and willing to act to curb the excesses of its rulers.

If we want to clean up Britain, we need to do it. It is not possible to delegate the job of cleaning up public life. Standards in public life are a reflection of standards in all aspects of British life. Our rulers are likely to be as corrupt, lazy or self-serving as we all are. We voted in the corrupt MPs, we were the ones who dropped our guard and failed to ask pertinent questions of our rulers. It was private citizens like Heather Brooke and John Wick, not career politicians or salaried public servants, that acted decisively and unveiled the corruption. We live in a democracy, and the people need to play their own part in ensuring we have good government. As Aristotle noted, government by the many can be either good or bad. He called the bad version “democracy”. The good version he called “polity”, implying we should all be politicians if we are to enjoy the healthy version of a democracy. The furore about MPs’ expenses has prompted many suggestions about how to replace our rulers. Too many of the suggestions would only replace a bunch of career power-seekers who have been proven to be corrupt with a bunch of career power-seekers who are likely to be corrupt. There is an alternative that can guarantee the participation of the people in government. Aristotle would have been familiar with it. I will tell you more in my next post.

If All Politicians Are Bad…

Democracy. It is a Greek word. The word is the conjunction of “dêmos”, meaning “people”, and “krátos”, meaning rule. The word has been around for a long time, as has the problems associated with running a democracy. A quick look back at history shows that Britain’s little crisis of confidence about the corruption of its rulers is nothing new.

Hundreds of years before Christ was born, the ancient Greeks were experimenting with lots of different ways to govern their multitudinous city-states. In order to study them, the philosopher Aristotle decided to sort these varied governments within a consistent schema. To do so, he devised a categorization that still puts democracy into context. Aristotle divided constitutions based on whether the state was ruled by one person, was ruled by a few people, or was ruled by many people. He also divided them between their pure forms, where the goal is the common good, and their perverted forms, where the goal is to benefit some at the cost of others. Most elected politicians (especially from the US) love to harp on about the joys and benefits of democracy. I suppose they would – they did get elected after all. Aristotle, however, was far from a cheerleader for democracy. He ranked the constitutions, from best to worst, as follows:

1. Pure government of one person (“monarchy”)
2. Pure government of a few (“aristocracy”)
3. Pure government of many people (“polity”)
4. Perverted government of many people (“democracy”)
5. Perverted government of a few (“oligarchy”)
6. Perverted government of one person (“tyranny”)

Aristotle was no misty-eyed sentimentalist. Whilst one good person, if given free reign to rule, might do the best job of all, Aristotle also recognized the danger that an autocrat could end up becoming the most diabolical despot. By the same token, whilst a good government by the many would be less free to act, and do less good than other forms of government, it would also be less bad when it went wrong. The restrictions placed on a government of the people by its need to maintain popular support does as much to inhibit its freedom to do good as it inhibits its freedom to do ill. I believe Winston Churchill was alluding to Aristotle’s idea of democracy being the “least worst” when he famously said:

Many forms of Government have been tried and will be tried in this world of sin and woe. No one pretends that democracy is perfect or all-wise. Indeed, it has been said that democracy is the worst form of government except all those other forms that have been tried from time to time.

Winston Churchill, Speech in the House of Commons, The Official Report, House of Commons (5th Series), 11 November 1947, vol. 444, cc. 206″”07.

Henry Winkler-FonzBritish democracy is in a malaise. It is not hard to tell when British politics is in trouble, because normal people start talking about it. The point was rammed home amidst the early evening chat of the BBC’s The One Show. The affable Adrian Chiles was joined by Henry Winkler. Or perhaps I should say Chiles was joined by Henry Fonz-Winkler. Winkler should consider changing his name to ‘The Fonz’ given how often they called him that, though he stopped playing the character of The Fonz when the TV run of Happy Days was canceled twenty-five years ago. For those that cannot understand the difference, I included this photograph of Winkler as The Fonz to confuse you further. Everybody else can keep reading. Presumably Winkler has done other things in the last quarter of a century, though I dread to think how many involved saying “hey!” whilst giving a thumbs up. Co-star Ron Howard (‘Richie Cunningham’) directs proper films and even Anson ‘Potsie’ Williams directs TV, so Winkler really should move on. He got his chance to do just that when Chiles asked him what he thought of the current political crisis in Britain. Yep, Chiles asked the The Fonz to comment on greedy British politicians fiddling their expenses. That goes beyond taking politics into the mainstream. It takes politics through the mainstream and carts it out the other side again. If Brits are asking American TV stars from the 1970’s what to do about MP’s expenses, the British democracy must have really come off the rails.

Like so many others, I share the current feeling that there is something rotten in the state of British democracy. The last time I felt this way about politics was during the 1997 election campaign. Lest we forget, that was the campaign that swept out a seemingly corrupt bunch of Tories who had been in power for well over a decade. In came shiny new Labour. A decade later, and it feels to me like so little has changed.

During the 1997 campaign, I was, like so many people, angry at the perceived corruption of Britain’s rulers. On one evening, I got so irate at the scaremongering tactics of one Conservative election poster that I literally ripped it down with my bare hands. It was the ‘Tony and Bill’ poster for those who remember such things – a picture of Tony Blair alongside a bill for £20bn in increased taxes. Those were the days when £20bn seemed like a lot of money. Now the government borrows that amount every week. But I digress. It offended me to see propaganda, seemingly from a gang too busy raping the country to think of a single positive reason to vote for them instead of against their opponents. The hoarding was on a very public street in Battersea, near the inaccurately named Clapham Junction train station. At about 3am in the morning, and still only partway through a disastrous journey home, I allowed my frustrations with the underinvestment in public infrastructure to pour out. When I write that I destroyed it, bear in mind that this was no small poster like you might find in a teenager’s bedroom. The hoarding was a full eight metres by three metres, the kind you can see a mile away. The location must have cost the Conservative party several thousand pounds to rent. Had I been caught, I would undoubtedly have suffered a severe penalty for my unilateral and rather negative contribution to political debate.

I am doubtful about whether I should share the story of my electioneering sabotage now, a full twelve years later. There must still be a small possibility that I will suffer as a result, hounded like a politician who once stuck a spliff in his mouth but insists he never inhaled. Anyhow, I confess. I did it. Better still, I did what today’s fiddling MP’s failed to do. I got away with it. In hindsight, I should never have been able to get away it. If the red mist had not descended, I would certainly have considered my chances of escape from punishment to be slight, at best. Apart from the very late hour, there is every reason why I should have been caught. To begin with, we are talking about a public street in London, the kind of place where it makes sense to have huge billboards aimed at people driving past or walking to the train station. Then, it took a full hour to tear the blasted thing down. Imagine peeling the label from a jar. You pull one tiny shred for a few centimetres, it tears, you do the same thing again. Repeat and scale up for a space which is eight metres wide and three metres high. On top of that, I did not have a ladder with me. For obvious reasons I started at the bottom, but after a while I was unable to reach the higher parts of the poster. That did not stop me. Fortunately, directly beneath the billboard there was one of those peculiar electrical junction boxes you find on some London streets and which I assume are put there for easy access to the circuits for the local neighbourhood. I climbed up on the box, precariously balancing on it and, near the end, sometimes jumping up to get the final few remnants of the tattered billboard. Had anyone called the police, I would have been easy enough to identify. I was dressed in a business suit, which I was still wearing after a long day’s work. As well as committing a crime, I could easily have been the victim of a crime, with my work laptop left sitting in its bag at the base of the junction box whilst I did my handiwork. Doubtless these days I would be recorded on a CCTV camera, but on that night, it would be up to somebody in the public to report the crime to the Police. Nobody did, or if they did, the Police did nothing about it. None of the seven or eight people who walked by on the street remonstrated with me, though I got some approving nods. Nobody on the buses that drove past shouted that I should stop, but I did sometimes get a cheer. I guess all those witnesses to my crime were either indifferent, or supportive, of my peculiar solo attack on the British political system. Given the current mood of the British public, I imagine that performing a similar act of vandalism today might just garner even more encouragement. Or maybe it is just that people awake at that hour are more inclined to hate the government.

Despicable as many British MPs are, I am loathe to do what I did that night and ascribe corruption to one side over another. The problem is not that one party is especially corrupt, although obviously some excesses are worse than others and it is simple-minded to brand all as equally contemptible. The problem is not even that politicians are especially corrupt compared to any other group in our society. The problem is that, by and large, across all walks of life and all jobs, everybody is corrupt. Public outrage with MPs is fueled not by the belief that MPs are going to be better than anybody else. The public is already far too cynical for that. An MP is as likely as the rest of us to say nothing when handed too much change at the corner shop, and we all know it. Public outrage is fueled by the recognition that whilst the rest of us must answer to our rulers, our rulers seemingly answer to no-one but themselves. There should be no surprise in that. The British constitution has always been like that. The elite that makes the rules are the elite that makes the rules. You cannot then ask for yet another elite to sit above them and impose rules upon the elite. The only power that sits above the elite is the dêmos – all of the people, acting collectively. If our rulers are corrupt, it is in part the fault of the people who picked them. As Joseph Marie de Maistre wrote:

“Toute nation a le gouvernement qu’elle merite.”
(“Every country has the government it deserves”)

Lettres et Opuscules Inedits, (1851) vol. I, letter 53, 15 August 1811

We picked them. There is no point blaming our representatives for being corrupt, if we do not also point the finger of blame at the people who selected them. Asking for somebody ‘independent’ to regulate, scrutinize, or stop politicians from being corrupt is the answer of a simpleton. That is like asking for a King to control the politicians, and then who gets to pick the King? What stops someone ‘independent’ from being corrupt too? Everybody’s position in society depends on something or someone else to some extent. However bad the current crop of British politicians are, their freedom to act corruptly is limited to the extent that the public act effectively to limit it. As a consequence, we have seen all sorts of truly depressing displays in recent weeks, as politicians fall over themselves to ‘win back the trust’ they lost by being caught out as filthy cheats. The ignobility of the British politician reached its nadir with Hazel Blears, Secretary of State for Communities and Local Government, going on TV and brandishing a cheque for £13,332 that she intended to pay back to the public purse. What next? When I am next in Tesco’s, will I be expected to applaud the shoplifter who voluntarily returns the tin of tuna he stole? Are we all expected to start thanking the tax evaders who give up more easily than others?

Let us make an example of Hazel Blears, in more than one sense. To begin with, who picks her and who says she should be in Parliament? In theory, that would be the constituency of Salford, in Greater Manchester, which she has represented since that landslide Labour victory in 1997. That is twelve years being paid to do the same thing – not bad job security in this day and age. At the last election she won 13,007 votes out of a total of 22,600 that were cast. That equals 57.6% of the vote. Her victory margin was down from the previous election, which was itself down on her 1997 result. Even so, the second place candidate from the Lib Dems would have needed to more than double his 5,062 votes in order to better Blears. At the last general election, 35% of the people who could have voted in Salford made the effort to do so. In other words, about 13,000 people decided to put Hazel Blears into a position of public trust which she used to swindle herself £13,000, until she was eventually caught out. That works out at one pound she attempted to pocket for every vote she got. Another 40,000 voters in Salford could have intervened and picked somebody more honest – but they had better things to do that day.

Hazel Blears has good job security, but she has a way to go before she enjoys the longevity of the predecessor in her constituency. Stanley Orme was a Labour MP from 1964 to 1997. He always represented seats in Salford, moving between them as boundaries were redrawn. Like other party political careerists, including Hazel Blears, he started out by fighting a constituency he did not win. Having proven his worth and commitment he was then given a constituency he would win, and kept being given constituencies he would win. But who gave him these constituencies? It was not the voter. The voter’s only involvement in Stanley Orme’s career, just as with Hazel Blear’s career, is to keep voting for the same party election after election. By picking the same party over and over, they hand over responsibility to the real unelected elite that controls, or fails to control, corruption in our rulers: the local constituency parties in safe seats. If all the voter does is to pick the same political colour – red or blue – without fail, at every election, they abrogate their control over the quality of our rulers. No wonder we then find our rulers are corrupt. Most of them have never answered to voters. They answer to the people in the political party who select them and control their career. The voters have long since abdicated any responsibility by playing the most moronic part of all in this democratic pantomime – by cheering the hero (whoever is dressed in the right colour) and booing the baddie (whoever comes dressed in other colours). Hazel Blears, like every other corrupt product of party politics, paid her dues to the Labour party and got her reward accordingly.

This corruption is nothing new, and it is inherent in the system, not a specific party. What goes around, comes around, and has been doing so for a long time. The first parliamentary election fought by Hazel Blears – the mandatory allocation of an unwinnable seat to first prove her commitment to the Labour Party – was the safe Conservative constituency of Tatton. In that election, in 1987, she came third, with a modest 21.3% of the vote. The winner, backed by 54.6% of the voters in that constituency, was Neil Hamilton, the man who came to epitomize Tory corruption in the 1990’s.

Political parties are corrupt, and necessarily so. They hand out power based on favours and the advantage of its members and representatives, not the good of the people. Borrowing from Aristotle’s schema, they must necessarily be impure, as the can only exist if they give advantage to their group over other groups in society. If they did not do that, they would be unsustainable. Voters know that, and for the most part, they go along with it. Instead of backing the candidate that might do best for the common good, voters consistently select the party they perceive would favour their interests over the interests of others in society. It is a stable system and it is a corrupt system, so we should hardly be surprised if it tends to encourage other forms of corruption like the abuse of expense claims.

On the bright side, corruption in Britain is not so bad. That British MPs have cheated thousands of pounds of expenses is hardly on a scale with Vladimir Putin controlling the media in Russia, Robert Mugabe beating and killing his opponents in Zimbabwe, Wen Jiabao terrorizing those families that blame corruption for the schools that collapsed in the Sichuan earthquake, or even the never-ending circus of scandal that surrounds Italy’s Silvio Berlusconi. Perhaps Brits should pat themselves on the back. Maybe it is their high standards and low tolerance for corruption that has kept our British politicians in check. Even in the safe Tory seat of Tatton, Neil Hamilton was eventually booted out thanks to the collective disgust of the voter and the candidacy of news journalist Martin Bell. Perhaps the voters of Salford will teach Hazel Blears a lesson too, despite her desperate attempt to win back favour. But we could have it better still, if only we were better at selecting who runs the nation. But how might we do that? I have some suggestions. One of them comes from the Ancient Greeks. I will share more in the next post.

More Empire Strikes Back: Parallel Universe

A long time ago, there was a saga that borrowed from another saga. Imagine a parallel universe where the characters in Star Wars can travel faster than light and shoot laser beams, but otherwise behave much more like you and I. Imagine that parallel universe sitting halfway between the fictional universe of the movies and the real one we live in. From the creator of Star Wars: Parallel Universe, More Star Wars: Parallel Universe, Even More Star Wars: Parallel Universe and The Empire Strikes Back: Parallel Universe – in other words, me – comes another installment of the imaginatively-entitled riffs on the greatest movie trilogy known to man. We left the story with the rebels fleeing their base on the ice world of Hoff…

[Han and Leia are running to get to Leia’s transport ship. They are almost caught by the collapse of the roof in one of the ice corridors.]

Han: (Pulls out his mobile phone and starts talking to the Transport’s captain) Transport? This is Solo. Better take off, I can’t get to you. I’ll take her out on the Falcon.

[Han turns and pulls Leia up from the floor whilst talking on his mobile. They hurriedly backtrack down the corridor.]

Transport Captain: (Talking to Han over the phone) Why didn’t you just offer to take her in your ship to begin with? We’ve been waiting for the Princess to board. We made the final call for departures half an hour ago.

Han: The living quarters on the Falcon don’t have en suite. The Princess doesn’t like to share the head with the rest of us. If you’d ever gone after Chewie, you’d understand why.

Transport Captain: It’s not the toilet she should be worried about. I’m amazed you finally got that hunk of junk flying again. It looked like you were working on it to the last minute. Why didn’t you buy a new ship with all that reward money you got?

Han: Don’t call my ship a hunk of junk. She may not look much, but she’s got it where it counts. For a start, she’s got great headroom. They make the ceilings on those new ships too low, and Chewie’s always banging his head when he’s in them. Plus I’ve made a lot of special modifications myself. We converted the Falcon to run on bio-mass instead of that horrible nuclear power stuff. I’m really hoping to get a lot more work from the green smuggling lobby as a result. There’s a lot of money to be made sneaking off-world organic vegetables past custom controls. The only problem is when Chewie starts eating into the payload – he really stinks it up. No wonder the Princess doesn’t like to use the loo after him.

Leia: (Grabs the phone from him) Come on! The stormtroopers are going to be here any minute!

Han: I was just waiting for ‘3PO. He can’t run as fast as the rest of us.

[They get to the Falcon’s hanger and they climb aboard.]

Chewie: (Angry) Bark!! Growl!! (translates as “Where have you been!?!? We gotta get out of here.”)

Han: Did you get everything working?

Chewie: Bark-bark howl (translates as “Not exactly. But I did unblock the head. Good job I did – I didn’t realize you were bringing your moany girlfriend with you.”)

[Darth Vader and a phalanx of stormtroopers approach the Falcon. Inside, Han and Chewie are still desperately trying to get it working.]

Leia: Would it help if I got out and pushed?

[Han stops and tries to think of a witty comeback. He is stumped and just stands there open-jawed, trying to think.]

Leia: Just get on with fixing the ship.

[Leia follows Han around the ship as he frantically tries to get it running. She bites her lip but cannot resist taunting him further.]

Leia: This bucket of bolts is never going to get us past that blockade.

[Han stops and tries to think of another witty comeback. He is stumped once more.]

Leia: (Waving a wrench in Han’s face) Come on, fix it!

[Han is playing with the controls, trying to get the ship to start. They seem frozen, and will not respond. In desperation, he presses alt-control-delete and tries to reboot. This time, the Falcon’s engines buzz into life.]

Han: (Relieved) See!

Leia: Some day you’re gonna be wrong, and I just hope I’m there to see it.

Han: (Repeats back slowly) “Some day you’re gonna be wrong, and I just hope I’m there to see it.” You want to be there the day I don’t get the ship started and we all get captured and slowly and painfully executed by the Empire? Geez, woman. You’re hard to please. You know that time we rescued you from the Death Star, and you said it was too easy and they were letting you escape? I’m starting to understand why they’d do that.

[The Falcon takes off. Darth Vader calmly watches as it does.]

Stormtrooper: Sir, why didn’t you use your dark Jedi powers to bring the roof down on top of them, or to screw up their ship’s systems, so it couldn’t take off? Or you could have just killed them all with that strangling thing you do. I’ve seen you do that kind of thing before, and it’s very impressive. Why did you let them escape?

Darth Vader: We’ll catch up with them, don’t worry. And imagine what they will be like after a few days spent in the confined space of that ship. Between Leia’s incessant nagging, Chewbacca’s toilet habits, and 3PO’s ‘the probability of navigating an asteroid field is eighty-eight billion-to-one’, Solo’s going to endure a far worse torture than any I could muster.

[Luke is walking back to the rendezvous point outside the rebel base, having crashed his snowspeeder and destroyed an AT-AT in single combat. He stops to watch the Falcon taking off. R2-D2 is waiting in Luke’s X-Wing.]

Luke: R2! (Luke waves)

R2-D2: Beep-whistle. (translates as: “Where the F@*K have you been? And will you hurry up? You’re sauntering along like you’re taking a Sunday stroll. We got to get the F@*K outta here!!”)

Luke: (Laughs) I love you R2. I can’t understand a word you’re saying, but the sound of your cheery whistle always makes me feel better, even at the worst of times.

R2-D2: Beep. Toot. (translates as: “Stupid prick.”)

Luke: Get her ready for take-off.

R2-D2: Whistle. Bleep. (translates as: “Well, duh. Do you think? It’s been ready to take-off for the last hour, you moron.”)

[They take off and fly into space.]

R2-D2: Bleep. Beep. Tweet. (translates as: “Hey! What the buggery’s going on here? You’ve changed course…”)

Luke: (Reading a polite version of what R2 says from the cockpit screen in front of him) We’re going to the Degobah system.

R2-D2: Whistle. (translates as: “Now he tells me. Let’s recuperate from the ice planet by going to a world which is one giant swamp.”) Bleep. Tweet. (translates as: “You must be exhausted from your long walk. Why don’t you have a nap and I’ll fly the ship for a while?”) (R2-D2 also shows this last message on the screen in Luke’s cockpit.) Tweet-beep. (translates as: “And once you’re asleep I can fly this ship back to the rest of the fleet and find myself a new owner. One who’s not quite so barmy. Methinks that moisture farming must have left this one with moisture on the brain.”)

Luke: That’s alright. I’d like to keep it on manual control for a while.

R2-D2: Bleep. Hum. Beep. (translates as: “Maybe he’s not so stupid after all…”)

[The Falcon is flying in space above Hoth, closely pursued by a Star Destroyer and several TIE fighters.]

Han: (To Chewie) I saw ’em, I saw ’em.

Leia: Saw what?

Han: Star Destroyers. Two of them coming right at us. (He points at them in the window). I can still outmanoeuvre them.

[The Falcon darts downwards as the two oncoming Star Destroyers almost reach the Star Destroyer that was chasing from behind. The Star Destroyers struggle to change direction to avert a head-on collision. Their crews are thrown to the floor as their ships swing around.]

[In the engine room of one of the Star Destroyers…]

Chief Engineer: (Sat on his chair) You see? That’s why they made me chief. ‘Cos I got the big engineering brains.

Trainee Engineer: (Picking himself up off the floor) What’s that you’re talking about?

Chief Engineer: My invention, of course. Check it out – it’s gonna revolutionize space travel.

[The Chief Engineer points to a strap across his chest and around his waist which is holding him securely in his chair.]

Trainee Engineer: What is it?

Chief Engineer: It’s a bit of strong fabric that holds me in my chair, so even if the ship swings to port, starboard, up or down, I’ll never fall over and hurt myself. It’s got tension, see (he demonstrates by pulling the strap out slowly, then letting go and allowing it to pull taut against his chest again) but if there is any really violent jerks (he demonstrates by pulling rapidly) it jams and holds you firmly in place.

Trainee Engineer: Like an elasticated belt to hold your trousers up.

Chief Engineer: (Unimpressed by the analogy) Yeah – somefink like that. Now I just need to come up with a name for it. I was toyin’ with “space strap”.

Trainee Engineer: Well, it’s like a belt, except for your chair. How about “chairbelt”? Or better still, “seatbelt”?

Chief Engineer: Nah. They’ll never go for fitting something called a “seatbelt” on a space ship. It doesn’t sound scientific enough. It’s got to have a sexy spacey technological name, like “space harness” or “star restraint”.

Trainee Engineer: Sir, what I don’t understand is the physics of falling over in spaceships anyway. Can you explain it to me?

Chief Engineer: Whaddaya mean?

Trainee Engineer: Well sir, it’s like this. We’re travelling at hundreds of thousands of kilometres a second, and we can alter course and go through phenomenal acceleration and deceleration and rapid changes of direction. But if the pilot stuffs up, like he did in that near head-on collision we just had, we only get mildly jostled. By rights, the acceleration should be so great we should be thrown so forcefully across the inside of the ship that we’d be literally flattened against the interior walls. But instead, people fall over like they were standing inside a caravan that went over a speedbump at thirty miles per hour. Why is that?

Chief Engineer: It’s called inertial dampening, which is just a fancy name for the ship’s suspension. In early ships, you were right that the ride was very firm, and people did tend to get flattened into a pancake every time there was a small deviation in course. But with these modern ships, the suspension’s so good you could fly through a black hole and the worse thing that could happen is you might bang your head on these low ceilings.

Trainee Engineer: So why don’t they turn up the suspension a little more? Then people wouldn’t even need a star restraint, and would never need to worry about falling over or banging their noggin’ or whatever.

Chief Engineer: True, but that’d take all the fun out of the ride, wouldn’t it?

[Meanwhile, on the Falcon.]

Han: Prepare to make the jump to light speed.

C-3PO: But Sir! If I may say so sir, I noticed earlier the hyperdrive motivator has been damaged. It’s impossible to go to lightspeed!

Han: No problem. Leia – you go back there and motivate that hyperdrive.

Leia: But I don’t even know what the hyperdrive looks like.

Han: 3PO, you take her back and show her. We need to stay here and keep evading those fighters.

Leia: But how do I motivate a hyperdrive?

Han: You’ll think of something.

[C-3PO leads Leia to the Falcon’s hyperdrive.]

Leia: You’re the sorriest hyperdrive I think I’ve ever seen. Call yourself a hyperdrive? You don’t deserve the name. You’re not even a superdrive. Any decent hyperdrive would have taken us half way across the galaxy by now. But there you sit, doing nothing at all, like the lazy worthless piece of scrap you are. The only thing you’re driving is me – driving me up the wall! Why don’t you pull yourself together and get us out of here?

[In the Falcon’s cockpit.]

Han: It won’t work, but at least it’ll get her off my back for a while.

[The Falcon shudders.]

Han: That wasn’t a laser blast – somethin’ hit us.

[Leia returns to the cockpit.]

Leia: Asteroids!

Han: We don’t have any astrodroids. If we did, I get them to repair the hyperdrive. Why did we have to end up with the protocol droid when Luke gets to take the robot that could’ve gone outside and fixed up this ship in a couple of shakes?

Leia: Not astrodroids! Asteroids! (She pauses as she realizes where they are heading.) What are you doing? You’re not actually going into an asteroid field?

Han: They’d be crazy to follow us, wouldn’t they?

C-3PO: Sir! The probability of successfully navigating an asteroid field is approximately 3,720 to 1.

Han: What do you mean, approximate? How approximate can it be, if you calculated the odds with the level of precision needed to state it to a factor of one in several thousands? If it was approximate, say you stated the probability to three significant figures, then you’d say the chances are nil.

C-3PO: Alright sir, have it your way. The probability of successfully navigating an asteroid field is approximately nil.

Han: (Aside to Chewie) I showed him, huh? Now who’s the smart one?

[Luke crash lands his X-Wing in the swamps of Degobah.]

R2-D2: Beep-tweet. Whistle-hum-whistle. (translates as “Well, that’s just great. We’re really screwed now!! Somehow I can’t see the space vehicle breakdown service coming to pick us up from here anytime soon.”)

[Luke opens up his cockpit hatch and throws off his gloves in anger.]

Luke: I said I wanted to get away from the dry, dusty desert, but this isn’t what I meant. (He pulls out his mobile phone.) Would you believe that? The battery on my mobile phone is dead. Now we’ll have to find a payphone to call for a recovery van. (Takes a long look at the swamp around him.) It could be a long walk to find a payphone round here.

R2-D2: Beep. (translates as “I’d better go look for one.”)

[The ship subsides and R2-D2 falls into the swamp. After a second, he raises his periscope above the water’s surface. He swims around.]

R2-D2: Tweet. Whistle. (translates as “Actually, this is rather nice. Kind of like being in a hot spa. But I hope the salts in this water don’t cause my data ports to rust.”)

[A large submerged lizard creature sneaks up behind R2-D2 and swallows him whole. A few seconds later, he spits him out.]

R2-D2: Beep-bleep. (translates as “Eat me, will you? Heh heh, I’d give you rotten indigestion. Good job you spat me out, as it would have been much worse for you if you’d waited until I came out the other end.”)

[Luke and R2-D2 unload their supplies from the X-Wing.]

Luke: Now all I gotta do is find this Yoda, if he even exists. If we find him, maybe we can call the recovery van from his place.

R2-D2: Bleep-tweet. Whistle. (translates as: “So this is your plan? Land at a random spot on a planet you have never been to, and just hope the man you’re looking for lives nearby? What a cretin. The chances of finding somebody like that must be approximately… nil. And you’re not even sure he exists! How long were you planning to spend looking for this character?”)

[Yoda walks up from behind and startles Luke. Luke pulls his blaster from his holster.]

Yoda: Away put your weapon, I mean you no harm. I am wondering, why are you here?

Luke: I’m looking for someone.

Yoda: Looking? Found someone you have I would say, hmm? (Laughs) Help you I can, yes, ummm.

Luke: I’m looking for a great warrior. A Jedi master.

Yoda: Which one? Jedi master Tanah Lot not far from here, he lives. Jedi master Bora Bodur his home he makes in the next big swamp over. Jedi master Chechen Itcha lives a few miles East. Jedi master Sha-na-ram-a-lang-a-ding-dong into the neighbourhood has just moved…

Luke: That’s a lot of Jedi masters. I thought all the Jedi were hunted down and killed. And why are they all living in this swamp?

Yoda: Hmmm. Of course not all Jedi were killed. Exaggeration, that is. I’m Jedi, and I’m not dead, am I? As for why we live here, imagine Darth Vader wading through all this gloop, can you? Mess up his shiny uniform he would. His cloak would get all sodden and havoc with his breathing gear, the swamp gas would play. This is the safest place for us Jedis, now we’ve all turned into cowardly custards and from the Empire have run and hidden. Plus it was cheaper if we went in together and bought a big plot of land between us. Unfortunately, Jedi wages don’t pay so well, and none of us, in belongings, we ever believed, so savings we had few. This most swampy bit of swamp land on this swamp planet, all we could afford, it was.

Luke: Jedi master too are you? – Now you’ve got me talking backwards too – I’m looking for Jedi master Yoda.

Yoda: Me that is.

Luke: Great! What a stroke of luck! Obi-Wan Kenobi sent me. He said I should train with you. I nearly didn’t make it – I was dying from hypothermia when he told me.

Yoda: Sure you hallucinating were not?

Luke: Pretty sure.

Yoda: Spoken to him since, have you?

Luke: No. But I’ve been pretty busy. And he hasn’t been in touch since.

Yoda: Hmmm. Mentioned you, he has not. Not heard from him for ten years. Now he sends you to me. Why? (Yoda has a sudden revelation.) Wait – are you the boy Skywalker? The one Kenobi was keeping an eye on?

Luke: Yes, that’s me!

Yoda: Okay. Train you, I will. Kenobi, did he mention a rate?

Luke: Excuse me?

Yoda: Kenobi, did he explain my fees when to come here, he told you?

Luke: No, he didn’t. I haven’t got any money.

Yoda: (Suddenly angry) No money?! Do you think a charity this is?

Luke: But I thought you said you don’t believe in possessions.

Yoda: That was then. Now, look at me. I wear rags and in the smallest hovel in the worst swamp I live, all because savings I had none. Now listen, Luke. When nine hundred years old you reach, be as poor as me, I hope you will not. Pension, no. Investments, no. Astute financial planning, no. And Degobah social security benefits payments? Generous, they are not. (A tear rolls down his eye). Rats, lizards, newts, eels – this is what I eat. Ashamed, I am. Pay, you must. (Yoda wipes away the tear and straightens himself up.) Rich you look, your clothes are fine and fancy spaceship and droid own, you do.

Luke: The spaceship’s not mine. It’s borrowed. And we only got R2 cheap because he was stolen property. There’s been a terrible misunderstanding. I didn’t realize you expected payment. I’m only a poor moisture farmer, and I’ve been too busy with this rebellion to make money.

Yoda: Too busy, you were, to make money? And your rebel friends, are they also too busy to make money?

Luke: Well, now you come to mention it, I suppose not. Han got a massive payday for making the exact same rescue as me, but all I got was some medal. It wasn’t even made of proper metal – more like the stuff they wrap chocolate coins in. And there’s this girl, Leia, and she’s a Princess and she’s rich…

Yoda: Error of your ways, see you? Rich, your friends are. You, poor, and now, penniless, in this swamp, with me you are stuck.

Luke: Tell you what – if you teach me how to be a Jedi, I’ll get my friends to pay you 10,000 credits when this is over.

Yoda: When over, this is? How long do you expect this to take, hmmm?

Luke: I was hoping to get a crash course. Maybe a couple of weeks, maybe a month?

Yoda: (Laughs and points at the X-Wing.) How to crash, I think you know already. But years and years of training, to be a Jedi, it takes. Start when you are only a very small child, and completed the training would be only by the age you are now. That was with the state of the art training facility we used to have. Now the only training equipment we have will be the sticks and stones in this swamp, and maybe you can climb up some trees, or down into some holes. Not the fanciest equipment. At least twenty years it will take, to train you to be a Jedi.

Luke: Yikes! I wasn’t counting on it taking that long. Is there any way we can speed things up?

Yoda: Hmmm. Not really, no.

Luke: I’ve only got 25 days leave each year. I’ll need to go back after that, especially if you want your money.

Yoda: Teach you a few tricks, in five weeks, I can. Jumping high in the air, doing backflips, making a stone fly in the air, this I might be able to show you in a few weeks. But no refund if you leave empty handed, hmmm?

Luke: And will you show me how to use mind powers to influence the simple-minded, especially chicks?

Yoda: Yes, with that we will start. In that department, as much help as you can get, I can already sense you need.

[Aboard Darth Vader’s super star destroyer.]

Admiral Piett: (Walks briskly towards Darth Vader) Lord Vader! The Emperor commands you to make contact with him.

[In Darth Vader’s private chambers. Darth Vader kneels and looks at the ground as the holographic projection chamber is activated so he can speak to the Emperor.]

Darth Vader: What is thy bidding, my master? (He looks up) Master? Is that you?

[There is a large holographic projection of the Emperor’s head and shoulders, tinted blue.]

Emperor Palpatine: Of course it’s me. Who did you think was calling you? Your mother?

Darth Vader: It’s just that… you look strangely different. I was expecting you to look, well, a little more greenish. Are you wearing make up? And your eyes look different.

Emperor Palpatine: It’s a new foundation I’m experimenting with. I’m trying to cover up some of these scars. Don’t think it will help you with yours, though. And how do you like these new disposable contacts? They’re tinted. I think yellow really suits me, don’t you?

Darth Vader: Yes, I suppose so.

Emperor Palpatine: Come on, Vader. If you can’t tell me what you honestly think, who can?

Darth Vader: It’s been a long time since I worried about such things. And the picture is not very good – interference from the asteroid field, I suppose. But yes, yes, you look good. It suits you. But if you’re worried about the scars, maybe you should think about cosmetic surgery?

Emperor Palpatine: I’ve never been keen on the idea of unnecessary surgery, but I suppose you’re right. Why not? I’m not getting younger. And even with my mind powers it’s not easy to influence chicks to go out on dates with me these days.

Darth Vader: You should be thinking about settling down, my master. Perhaps some children…

Emperor Palpatine: That didn’t work out too well for you, did it?

Darth Vader: No, no it didn’t.

Emperor Palpatine: That’s what I was calling about, actually. The son of Skywalker – probably you should kill him now.

Darth Vader: Kill him? If you say so, but we never bothered before. Why now?

Emperor Palpatine: I can’t afford to have him blowing up expensive Death Stars all the time, can I? They’re not cheap. If he keeps doing things like that, he could destroy us, or worse still, we’ll end up in the poorhouse like that wretched Yoda. Yoda lives in a swamp, you know? No pension, no assets. He lives off the welfare state. Bloody scrounger. Eats worms and heck knows what. I was going to have him killed, but when I realized how far he’d fallen I thought I’d better just let him be. Killing him would be a mercy. But anyway, the Force is strong with the son of Skywalker. He must not become a Jedi.

Darth Vader: That’s rather an odd way of referring to him. He’s called Luke. He’s been living with my stepbrother Owen. At least, he was until I had Owen and his family killed.

Emperor Palpatine: (Surprised) You’ve known about your son all along?

Darth Vader: I didn’t realize it was meant to be a secret. I mean, he lived with my step-brother and his family. I can’t believe they sent him there in order to hide him – that would be ridiculous. Owen and I weren’t close. I hardly knew him, so we didn’t keep in touch or anything like that. I always assumed that my mother’s new family wouldn’t want anything to do with me, what with me hunting down and killing the Jedi. Can’t say I thought about it much.

Emperor Palpatine: But he’s your son! Weren’t you just a bit curious?

Darth Vader: Perhaps, but what was I going to do, go visit them for Christmas? Just drop by and say something cheesy about being in the neighbourhood? No, it was better that I didn’t have anything to do with the lad. Then at least he could grow up in peace and have the kind of normal childhood that I never had. Playing with friends, not being a slave, that kind of thing. I was hoping he was going to end up a harmless moisture farmer like my stepbrother Owen, but when I heard he was the one who blew up the Death Star, I thought that’s that ruined. It’s my own stupid fault – I should never have had the family killed, just so we could find those blasted droids that were carrying the Death Star battleplans. Ironic, huh? I unwittingly spurred my own son to do the very thing I was trying to stop from happening.

Emperor Palpatine: Yes, that is ironic. Almost as ironic as killing him now, after all this time.

Darth Vader: If he could be turned, he would become a powerful ally.

Emperor Palpatine: Yes, he would be a great asset. Can it be done?

Darth Vader: You should know more about that than me. You turned me to the dark side. It should be much easier to turn this untrained boy. If he takes after me, he’ll be turned in no time. And if he takes after his mother (shrugs his shoulders) then I’ll have to kill him too.

Emperor Palpatine: Lord Vader, you’re professionalism and dedication never ceases to impress me. I asked you to kill your own son, and you’ve reacted by being very philosophical about it. Actually, I was just testing you. I wanted you to turn young Luke to the dark side all along, but I was keen to see how you’d react to being told to kill him.

Darth Vader: You know me, my master. I live for my work. It’s the only thing that keeps me going.

Emperor Palpatine: Well, maybe with your boy turned to the dark side, that’ll give you some refreshed enthusiasm for life. Think of it: ‘Vader & Son: the dark side double act’. He’s got the youth and energy, you’ve got the experience.

Darth Vader: Yes, that does have a certain ring to it. I’ll be sure to suggest it when I see him. But I’ve no idea where he is these days.

Emperor Palpatine: He’s with Yoda on Degobah.

Darth Vader: I’m not going to chase him there. That swamp gas plays havoc with my breathing apparatus.

Emperor Palpatine: Don’t worry, he’ll soon get bored of Yoda’s training program. Do you remember it?

Darth Vader: How could I forget? ‘Over there run, over that jump, that rock lift up, on your back carry me you shall’. ‘Do or not do, there is no try’. How’s anyone supposed to learn anything like that? I don’t think Yoda’s got a proper teaching qualification. I give Luke five weeks at the most. After a month spent eating toads and listening to Yoda’s annoying prattle, he’ll be begging to come to the dark side.

To be continued…

The Consolations of Being 30

This is a poem I wrote recently to celebrate the birthday of Mrs. Tracy Buys. Saying that, I think it is true enough for all, whether looking back on bring 30 or still looking forward to it…

It’s time to say goodbye to your twenties.
There’s no need to shed a tear.
Although it was such a happy decade,
A happier one is here.

You’re still young enough to boogie all night,
And enjoy a drink or two.
But you’re old enough to know when to stop,
Though that won’t be stopping you.

There are very many good years ahead.
Just take a look at the stats,
You’ve 64% of life to go,
And possibly more than that.

They sometimes say “life begins at 40”.
By that proverb’s reckoning,
You’ve another ten years to please yourself,
Before life really begins.

Medical texts say women at 30,
Often become randier.
That’s good news for ladies, but for the men,
The plus points are handier.

If you want to exercise discretion;
Deny the passing of time,
Then simply pretend that you’re 25,
Until you reach 39!

Be happy that you’ve reached the big 3-oh,
You won’t fall into ruin.
When you still run amok, once in a while,
You’ll know just what you’re doing…