More Star Wars: Parallel Universe

We left Star Wars: Parallel Universe with Obi-Wan rummaging through his old mementos and fibbing to Luke about his father. Next up, Obi-Wan introduces Luke to the Force…

Luke: What’s this ‘Force’ you keep talking about?

Obi-Wan: The Force is what gives a Jedi his power. It’s an energy field created by all living things. It surrounds us, and penetrates us. It binds the galaxy together.

Luke: So it’s like gravity?

Obi-Wan: No. Not like gravity.

Luke: But gravity binds the galaxy together. I learnt that at school. In physics, there are four forces: gravity, electromagnetic, and the two nuclear forces. You need to know that stuff if you want to fly spaceships faster than the speed of light.

Obi-Wan: They don’t teach you everything at school.

Luke: How does ‘the Force’ work then?

Obi-Wan: You tell these microscopic creatures what to do, and then they do it. They can make things float and tell you what is happening a long way away and things like that.

Luke: (Tries to suppress his laughter) Yeah right. Very scientific. (Starts to giggle) There’s little guys and they just do what we tell ’em. Like leprechauns, or pixies.

Obi-Wan: Watch this…

[Obi-Wan closes his eyes and reaches out with his hand. A magazine on his table rises up into the air. Floating in mid-air, it rolls into the shape of a tube. The magazine slowly and gently moves toward Luke. Luke watches as it hovers a few inches above him. Then the magazine swats him about the head repeatedly.]

Luke: (Dodging the magazine) Hey, hey! Okay! I believe you! You tell the Force pixies what to do and they do it… Can we get back to the droid and the message for you?

[R2-D2 projects a message from Princess Leia]

Princess Leia’s recording: General Kenobi, I have placed information vital to the survival of the rebellion into the memory systems of this R2 unit. You must deliver it to my father on Alderaan. Help me Obi-Wan Kenobi, you’re my only hope.

Obi-Wan: Hmmm… I wonder why she didn’t just email it. I would forward it myself, but you can’t get a decent broadband connection out here in the Jundland Wastes. That means I should probably deliver it in person. Luke, you must learn the ways of the Force if you’re to come with me to Alderaan.

Luke: Huh! Today I’m a farmer. Tomorrow… a delivery boy. That’s hardly a promotion. I only came over here because I wanted to get that Leia chick’s phone number. I’m not going half way across the galaxy with an old man and a cranky robot…

R2-D2: Bleep, blurt, splurt (translates as: “Up yours, Skywalker!”)

Luke: … on the off-chance I get to lay her. Plus, I was gonna go to Tachi Station to pick up some power convertors.

Obi-Wan: Pick up some hookers, more like. Look, Luke, the Force can have a strong influence on the weak-minded.

Luke: Like chicks?

Obi-Wan: Especially chicks.

Luke: When do we leave?

[Greedo enters the Mos Eisley Cantina and walks up to the bar. The band is on a break and the joint is nearly empty.]

Greedo: Hey, have you seen Han Solo?

Barman: Who Solo?

Greedo: (Holds up a photo) This is a picture of who I am looking for.

Barman: Nah. Never seen him.

Greedo: He’s pretty well known. He flies a really fast ship they call the Millennium Falcon and he hangs out with a wookie called Chewbacca.

Barman: I don’t know him. Come back later. Perhaps the boss knows who he is. I’ll ask if he’s heard of this Ham Soho character.

Greedo: (Sighs) Bounty hunting: it’s not as glamourous as they pretended.

[Aboard the Death Star. Darth Vader walks in on a committee meeting of the top Imperial Commanders, chaired by Moff Tarkin.]

Imperial Commander: This station is now the ultimate power in the universe.

Darth Vader: Don’t be too proud of this technological terror you’ve constructed. The ability to destroy a planet is insignificant next to the power of the Force.

Imperial Commander: Don’t try to frighten us with your sorceror’s ways Lord Vader. Your sad devotion to that ancient religion can’t blow up a whole planet, can it? I mean, a great big planet?! You can’t do that with the Force! Can you travel across the galaxy faster than the speed light using the Force? No you can’t. Technology kicks the butt of the Force. You couldn’t even breathe if it wasn’t for all that technology you carry around with you.

Darth Vader: I’ll show you who can breathe (brings his forefinger and thumb up towards his eye and looks at the Commander through them – then squeezes his forefinger and thumb together). (In a squeaky voice) I’m crushing your larynx. I’m crushing your larynx…

Moff Tarkin: Vader, release him! This bickering is pointless. And bullying in the workplace is contrary to our statement of ethics and values.

[Luke, Obi-Wan and the droids drive their speeder into Mos Eisley. They are stopped by a Stormtrooper patrol.]

Stormtrooper 1: How long have you had these droids? Let me see your identification.

Obi-Wan: You don’t need to see his identification.

Stormtrooper 1: Don’t I? I thought I did.

Stormtrooper 2: You do.

Stormtrooper 3: I echo that sentiment.

Stormtrooper 2: ‘Echo that sentiment’? La-de-dar. Listen to Trooper Posh Boots.

Obi-Wan: These aren’t the droids you’re looking for.

Stormtrooper 1: Really?? They look like the right droids. If these aren’t the droids we’re looking for, do you know where the right ones are?

Obi-Wan: Erm… over there, behind you.

Stormtrooper 1: (Turns around) I don’t see them.

Stormtrooper 2: I don’t see nuffink.

Stormtrooper 3: It’s noth-ing, not nuffink.

Stormtrooper 2: Just ‘cos you got cloned in a fancy private test tube doesn’t mean you’re better than the rest of us.

Stormtrooper 1: I still don’t see them. It’s this blasted helmet. I can hardly see out of it.

[A long line of speeders has built up behind the checkpoint. Sound of hooters like car horns.]

Stormtrooper 1: These aren’t the droids we’re looking for? Okay, you’d better move along.

Stormtrooper 2: Okay, I’ll go look over there for those droids. Anything to get away from Trooper La-de-dar.

[Han Solo walks into the Mos Eisley Cantina]

Barman: Hey Han! Chewbacca has some customers for you! Looks like you may finally pay your bar tab (laughs). Plus some bounty hunter was in here before, asking after you. Better watch your back! Chewie and the others are sat over there.

[Han walks over to a table where Chewie, Luke and Obi-Wan are sitting.]

Han: I’m Han Solo, captain of the Millennium Falcon.

Obi-Wan: Is it a fast ship?

Han: Fast ship, you’ve never heard of the Millennium Falcon?

Obi-Wan: No, I don’t get out much these days. Do you advertise?

Han: Look, old man. We can’t exactly advertise our services.

Obi-Wan: Well, that will explain why I’ve never heard of your ship. How fast is it?

Han: It made the Kessel Run in less than twelve parsecs.

Luke: A parsec is a unit of distance. That’s like saying you ran the hundred yards in a hundred yards.

Han: Yeah, and I was fast at that too. What’s the cargo.

Obi-Wan: Myself, the boy, two droids, and no questions asked.

Han: Is it some kind of local trouble?

Obi-Wan: Did you hear the bit about “no questions asked”?

Han: It’ll cost you. Ten thousand, all in advance.

Obi-Wan: We can pay you two thousand now (waves hand) plus fifteen when we reach Alderaan.

Han: Seventeen! You got a deal!

[Obi-Wan and Luke leave to collect the droids]

Luke: I see what you mean about the simple-minded.

[Chewbacca leaves to ready the ship. Greedo sneaks up to Han. He pulls out his blaster and holds it pressed against Han’s forehead.]

Greedo: Going somewhere, Solo?

[Han sits down. Greedo continues to hold the blaster pressed against Han’s head.]

Han: Tell Jabba I’ve got his money.

Greedo: Give me the money, I might forget I found you.

Han: Over my dead body.

Greedo: Okay. (Squeezes trigger. Nothing happens. Tries again. And again. Takes the pistol away from Han’s head to see what is wrong with it.) The batteries are dead.

[Han pulls out his own blaster and shoots Greedo in cold blood.]

Han: (Tossing a coin to the barman) Sorry about the mess.

Barman: (Looking at Greedo) Somebody should have told him: Han shoots first.

[On the Death Star. The Chief Gunner and the rest of the targeting team listens in as Moff Tarkin and Darth Vader harangue Leia for the location of the Rebel base.]

Moff Tarkin: (to Leia) I have chosen to test this station’s destructive power against your home planet, Alderaan.

Leia: No!

Chief Gunner: (to the assistant gunner) I’m from Alderaan!

Assistant Gunner: Bad luck, boss.

Chief Gunner: I can’t see why we don’t just test this station on a big lifeless asteroid or something like that.

Tarkin: (to Leia) You prefer another target, a military target? I grow tired of asking this, so it’ll be the last time, where is the rebel base?

Leia: Dantooine.

Chief Gunner: Phew.

Tarkin: Continue with the operation, fire when ready.

Assistant Gunner: (to Chief Gunner) You can’t trust Moff Tarkin. What a bastard.

Chief Gunner: (Sighs) Commence primary ignition.

Assistant Gunner: Sorry boss.

Chief Gunner: (Pressing some buttons, he mutters to himself) Only got one chance…

[The energy beam builds up in the Death Star’s gun, and a pulse of green energy flashes out. The beam shoots past Alderaan, narrowly missing it.]

Tarkin: What?!?!

Chief Gunner: Works fine, sir.

Tarkin: You missed the target.

Chief Gunner: They dodged, sir.

Tarkin: Planets don’t dodge.

Chief Gunner: It was… it was… a warning shot, sir.

Tarkin: Very good. Now blast them to pieces.

Chief Gunner: It’s this helmet, sir, I can’t see a thing with it on. I might miss again.

Tarkin: Then take it off.

Chief Gunner: (Starts to cry) But sir, I’m from Alderaan, sir. My nan still lives there.

Tarkin: Why didn’t you just say so? Fair enough. I should have checked before giving the order to fire. Ordering people to kill members of their own family is contrary to our statement of ethics and values.

Vader: You can destroy my home planet, Tatooine, if you want.

Tarkin: That seems a bit cold, even for you.

Vader: I had some relations living there, but I had them slaughtered in order to find the droids. And we still didn’t get the droids. There’s nothing left for me on Tatooine now, except unhappy memories.

Tarkin: (Pats Vader on the shoulder) Okay, we’ll destroy Tatooine for you. But next time, Vader, please try to respect our statement of ethics and values. No more killing of your kinfolk, even if you don’t like them. We all have to respect policy, even you.

Vader: (Gripping Leia by the arm) and what should we do with this one?

Tarkin: I’ve ordered her termination.

Vader: Shame, she reminds me of someone I once knew.

To be continued…

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