The Hacker Store

[A surly man reads his paper, standing behind the counter of a general store. All sorts of tins, hardware and knickknacks are displayed on the shelves behind him. A teenage assistant in loose-fitting jeans is stacking shelves to one side. A customer enters the store, the bell on the door rings as it opens. The customer walks up to the counter.]

Customer: I was wanting to take up a new hobby, and I hear you can help.

Shopman: [Puts his paper to one side and sniffs] Oh yeah? Well, maybe I can, maybe I can’t. It depends on what kind of hobby you had in mind.

Customer: Phishing.

Shopman: Angling? You want the sports and country store, a hundred yards down the High Street.

Customer: No, not f-f-fishing. Phishing. As is in ‘Philip got his PhD in Ph-ishing’. [He winks]

Shopman: Oh, well why didn’t you f-f-flipping well say so? If it’s ph-ishing you’re interested in, [he looks around suspiciously] we can help with that. What kind of phishing are you wanting to do?

Customer: I thought I’d try to catch them on-line.

Shopman: Yes, that would be the best way to go about it. But you’ll still need a way to hook ’em.

Customer: How do I do that?

Shopman: With a worm. We’ve got a very wide choice of worms you could use, everything from one that caused a right storm, to one that’s so-big [gestures with his hands to indicate the size]. After you’ve hooked ’em, you’ll also need something to land them.

Customer: And what do I use for that?

Shopman: For that, you’ll need a net. A lot of people like to use bot-net, but if you want the very latest, most sophisticated gear, I recommend stux-net.

Customer: Okay, I’ll take the stux-net.

Shopman: [Pulls out a USB stick] Very good, and I’ve got the latest version here for you. [Turns the USB stick around to reveal an Apple style logo printed on it] It’s called “iRan”. This one reaches the places that others can’t.

Customer: Now, I also want to look the part when I’m doing my phishing.

Shopman: Of course you do sir, and we stock a variety of fashions which might interest you. First there’s spy-wear [puts on a trench coat and dark glasses] if you want the discrete look. Or there’s crime-wear [puts a stocking over his head]. If you want something more obvious, you could try ad-wear [unzips his jacket and points at a big Nike logo on his t-shirt], or to really stand out from the crowd, you could try scare-wear [he pops fake fangs into his mouth].

Customer: That looks monstrous.

Shopman: Yes, but be careful – you don’t want to end up a zombie.

Customer: I don’t think any of these styles will suit me.

Shopman: Well, like my assistant, you could go for the perennial fashion favourite, mal-wear [points to his assistant].

Customer: Why’s it called mal-wear?

Shopman: I have no idea. [Shouts to his assistant] Malcolm, why’s it called mal-wear?

Malcolm: [Pulls his jeans up] because it doesn’t fit.

Customer: Ok, I’ll take two mal-wear outfits. I won’t need to try them on. [Shopman pulls out pants and tops and puts them on the counter.] This is great, with my new look, I expect I’ll be a big hit with the ladies.

Shopman: That’s true, and in that case, you’ll also need some of these [pulls out a small box and puts it on the counter.]

Customer: What are they?

Shopman: Trojans [turns the pulls box around to reveal they are Trojan condoms].

Customer: That’s great! I suppose it’s no wonder that phishing is popular.

Shopman: True, though I’ve stopped doing it myself.

Customer: Why’s that?

Shopman: Me, I couldn’t hack it. I always went down with a virus.

Customer: Sexually-transmitted?

Shopman: Chance would be a fine thing! No, I got them from autorun [makes a wanking gesture with his hand].

Customer: Oh dear. So what if I don’t have any success with phishing? A man’s got to provide for himself.

Shopman: Well, you could always try growing vegetables instead. This’ll help you… [brings down a box from a shelf and puts it on the counter].

Customer: What is it?

Shopman: It’s a root-kit. Ideal for planting in difficult places. And if that’s not to your taste, we’ve always got plenty of this in stock [places a tin of Spam on the counter].

Customer: Thanks, but I think I’ll try the phishing first and see how it goes. How much do I owe you for all this?

Shopman: That depends. Are you paying with your credit card… or with somebody else’s?

Customer: I thought I’d use somebody else’s.

Shopman: In that case it’s free.

Customer: Thank you very much!

[Customer takes his bag and turns to leave.]

Shopman: Hey, where do you think you’re going?

Customer: I was just going to leave…

Shopman: Not that way, sunshine. From now on, you go through the backdoor [points over his shoulder and guides the customer through the exit behind him…]

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