[A surly man reads his paper, standing behind the counter of a general store. All sorts of tins, hardware and knickknacks are displayed on the shelves behind him. A teenage assistant in loose-fitting jeans is stacking shelves to one side. A customer enters the store, the bell on the door rings as it opens. The customer walks up to the counter.]
Customer: I was wanting to take up a new hobby, and I hear you can help.
Shopman: [Puts his paper to one side and sniffs] Oh yeah? Well, maybe I can, maybe I canâ€™t. It depends on what kind of hobby you had in mind.
Shopman: Angling? You want the sports and country store, a hundred yards down the High Street.
Customer: No, not f-f-fishing. Phishing. As is in â€˜Philip got his PhD in Ph-ishingâ€™. [He winks]
Shopman: Oh, well why didnâ€™t you f-f-flipping well say so? If itâ€™s ph-ishing youâ€™re interested in, [he looks around suspiciously] we can help with that. What kind of phishing are you wanting to do?
Customer: I thought Iâ€™d try to catch them on-line.
Shopman: Yes, that would be the best way to go about it. But youâ€™ll still need a way to hook â€™em.
Customer: How do I do that?
Shopman: With a worm. Weâ€™ve got a very wide choice of worms you could use, everything from one that caused a right storm, to one thatâ€™s so-big [gestures with his hands to indicate the size]. After youâ€™ve hooked â€™em, youâ€™ll also need something to land them.
Customer: And what do I use for that?
Shopman: For that, youâ€™ll need a net. A lot of people like to use bot-net, but if you want the very latest, most sophisticated gear, I recommend stux-net.
Customer: Okay, Iâ€™ll take the stux-net.
Shopman: [Pulls out a USB stick] Very good, and Iâ€™ve got the latest version here for you. [Turns the USB stick around to reveal an Apple style logo printed on it] Itâ€™s called â€œiRanâ€. This one reaches the places that others can’t.
Customer: Now, I also want to look the part when Iâ€™m doing my phishing.
Shopman: Of course you do sir, and we stock a variety of fashions which might interest you. First thereâ€™s spy-wear [puts on a trench coat and dark glasses] if you want the discrete look. Or thereâ€™s crime-wear [puts a stocking over his head]. If you want something more obvious, you could try ad-wear [unzips his jacket and points at a big Nike logo on his t-shirt], or to really stand out from the crowd, you could try scare-wear [he pops fake fangs into his mouth].
Customer: That looks monstrous.
Shopman: Yes, but be careful – you donâ€™t want to end up a zombie.
Customer: I donâ€™t think any of these styles will suit me.
Shopman: Well, like my assistant, you could go for the perennial fashion favourite, mal-wear [points to his assistant].
Customer: Whyâ€™s it called mal-wear?
Shopman: I have no idea. [Shouts to his assistant] Malcolm, whyâ€™s it called mal-wear?
Malcolm: [Pulls his jeans up] because it doesnâ€™t fit.
Customer: Ok, Iâ€™ll take two mal-wear outfits. I won’t need to try them on. [Shopman pulls out pants and tops and puts them on the counter.] This is great, with my new look, I expect Iâ€™ll be a big hit with the ladies.
Shopman: Thatâ€™s true, and in that case, youâ€™ll also need some of these [pulls out a small box and puts it on the counter.]
Customer: What are they?
Shopman: Trojans [turns the pulls box around to reveal they are Trojan condoms].
Customer: Thatâ€™s great! I suppose itâ€™s no wonder that phishing is popular.
Shopman: True, though Iâ€™ve stopped doing it myself.
Customer: Whyâ€™s that?
Shopman: Me, I couldnâ€™t hack it. I always went down with a virus.
Shopman: Chance would be a fine thing! No, I got them from autorun [makes a wanking gesture with his hand].
Customer: Oh dear. So what if I donâ€™t have any success with phishing? A manâ€™s got to provide for himself.
Shopman: Well, you could always try growing vegetables instead. Thisâ€™ll help you… [brings down a box from a shelf and puts it on the counter].
Customer: What is it?
Shopman: Itâ€™s a root-kit. Ideal for planting in difficult places. And if thatâ€™s not to your taste, weâ€™ve always got plenty of this in stock [places a tin of Spam on the counter].
Customer: Thanks, but I think Iâ€™ll try the phishing first and see how it goes. How much do I owe you for all this?
Shopman: That depends. Are you paying with your credit card… or with somebody elseâ€™s?
Customer: I thought Iâ€™d use somebody elseâ€™s.
Shopman: In that case itâ€™s free.
Customer: Thank you very much!
[Customer takes his bag and turns to leave.]
Shopman: Hey, where do you think youâ€™re going?
Customer: I was just going to leave…
Shopman: Not that way, sunshine. From now on, you go through the backdoor [points over his shoulder and guides the customer through the exit behind him…]