After reading how people make money from films they post to YouTube, I sat down and tried to write a comedy script for the format. My first idea was to create a loosely-linked series called ‘How the World Really Works’, and use it to poke cynical fun at any topic through the format of a miniature mock online guide. But being funny is not enough. You also have to write something that people will find when they search YouTube. Then it became obvious what the first script would be about – porn. You can be sure that plenty of people would be searching for that… so stop reading if you are averse to mildly blue humour…
(The presenter, Bric Lazor, keeps turning from camera to camera)
BL: Hello, I’m Bric Lazor reporting for ‘How the World Really Works’, your online guide to everything you wanted to know but you didn’t know someone had filmed an online guide about it. Today’s topic: YouTube pornography.
(turns, long pause as looks at the camera)
(turns to another camera)
BL: You want it. (turn) I want it. (turn) But I don’t want it with you, and nor does anyone else.
(turns as if he is going to look at another camera, then quickly turns back again)
BL: Solution? (turn) Masturbation. But in the internet era, human beings are literally incapable of playing their pink oboes without first cruising the net. You want porn but you’re skint and you’re scared of viruses. So what do you do? You scour YouTube for hours, hoping to find a 10-second clip of a buxom Japanese woman running along the beach in a ridiculously tight bikini, before the authorities tear it down – the clip, not the bikini – and destroy the filthy perverted material that you crave. But what are the best ways to find porn on YouTube? I spoke to an expert who, for obvious reasons, wanted to keep his identity secret.
(cut to man sitting in the dark with computer-altered voice to make it absurdly deep)
BL: You’re a self-professed expert when it comes to locating YouTube porn. How do you find it?
Expert: To be truthful, it’s getting harder and harder to find good porn on YouTube, and for every decent video you do find, you have to sit through 100 lame clips selling expensive webcam chat services. But there are ways to work around the censorship.
BL: Such as?
Expert: For a start, the average web pornographer is terrible at spelling. Try searching for “pron”, “3some” spelled with the number 3 or “seksi” spelled with a “k” and an “i” and you might find something the censor missed. Then you can try foreign words. Some of my favourites are the Indonesian for “sex” and the Italian for “booty call”. Since I started searching YouTube for porn, I’ve learned the word for “boobies” in 129 different languages. At least one of these should lead to a clip of Scarlett Johansen being groped by an over-familiar interviewer at an awards ceremony.
BL: That sounds like a lot of effort.
Expert: It is, but the thrill is in the chase. But, like any good hunt, there are dangers too. Rick Astley’s dancing does tend to kill the libido.
BL: You’re referring to the plague that is rick-rolling. What are the other pitfalls?
Expert: You get a lot of American teenage boys who like nothing better than to lay traps for innocent strangers. They upload clips involving a tight close up as they rub their knees, trying to make them look like cleavage. It’s always worth watching a clip through to the end before you get too excited. There’s nothing worse than discovering you’ve been pranked… if you find out one second too late.
BL: What kind of stimulating material do you most find on YouTube?
Expert: If you want soft lesbo action, you can’t go wrong. There’s lots of clips where two hot women caress each other’s bras. I imagine YouTube’s lax attitude to girl-on-girl fondling has something to do with promoting breast cancer awareness. Also, breast cancer awareness videos hit the spot, if you’re more clinically-minded.
BL: Can you save YouTube videos to your hard drive, to enjoy them later?
Expert: There is software to download from YouTube, but I don’t use it myself. It takes all the fun out of it. I think of myself as more of a hunter-gatherer of YouTube porn, enjoying my prey when it’s still fresh, as soon as I’ve caught it.
BL: You see yourself as the latest in a long and noble line of male hunter-gatherer-wankers?
Expert: Err… (very quick cut back to interviewer)
BL: A lot of people would say you’re a miserable specimen of a man who has too much time on his hands. How would you respond?
Expert: I don’t have that much time on my hands, so I use high-speed broadband. I got fibre to the home, and it’s really improved my quality of life.
BL: There you have it. Porn on YouTube can be yours, if you want it. Just remember to spell “nipple” with the “l” and the “e” reversed. It’s not my thing, but it might be yours. I’m old school, so I’ll stick with the lingerie section of my Grattan’s catalogue. I’ve been Bric Lazor, and you’ve been watching “How the World Really Works”.