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Confessions to a Cruel Internet

Dear friend, I like to start my notes to you as if we’re already in the middle of a conversation. That was a line from a movie, You’ve Got Mail. Apologies; one should always recite a quotation with forewarning, or at the very least with inverted commas, but this unheralded interjection and its placement was apposite. You and I are engaged in a conversation, even if it can sometimes feel a little one-sided. This conversation always begins in the middle. That is because, from my perspective, the conversation never ends.

Perspective is a terrible thing. Perspective is personal. Perspective makes us alone. Thinking about You’ve Got Mail (a 90’s romantic comedy starring Meg Ryan and Tom Hanks), the movie is all about the difference made by perspective “” how someone may seem perfectly awful when seen one way, and perfectly wonderful if seen another way. What appears certain is revealed to be relative. Most of that relativity is born from our ignorance, or indifference, to the people around us. We might see their exterior, but know nothing of them. Or we might know someone’s deepest thoughts, but have never looked on them with our own eyes.

Until recently, I have been ignorant of You’ve Got Mail. It rested in the waste basket marked “another formulaic romcom passes me by, quel domage…” The story revolves around two people who only know each other through the internet. Until last week, my only knowledge of it came via the references of a friend that I only know through the internet. My inclination to enjoy its lightly romantic story was not inspired by taking a journey to Paris, the city of love. On the contrary, I was desperate to fill the hours of my long-haul flight. I found You’ve Got Mail after long pondering what choice of back-of-chair entertainment would best follow The Social Network, a much more recent release. After scrolling right to the very end of the A-to-Z listing, the selection of You’ve Got Mail was instantly obvious. What better antidote to the true account of horrid adolescents plotting for fame and fortune by exploiting the internet, than the fiction of 30-somethings finding love through a chatroom?

The Social Network begins in the middle of a conversation. Two people ask questions and give answers out of turn, making it difficult to keep track of what they are talking about at any given point. If the middle of a conversation is the perfect metaphor for the ceaseless flow of internet communication, then the loss of sequence in a conversation is the perfect metaphor for how internet communication can lack synchronicity. Whilst Joe Fox and Kathleen Kelly, the protagonists of You’ve Got Mail, use the internet as a medium for a faceless but nevertheless absorbingly intimate dialogue, Mark Zuckerberg is presented as unable to connect to the person right in front of him.

One could debate the merits of whether this is a conversation. If nobody replies, then probably this is not a conversation. But no conversation would ever be instigated unless someone spoke first, and people do reply to what I write, at least sometimes. This being the internet, they reply in all sorts of ways. Sometimes they just tell me what they think when they see me. On the other hand, this post is something of a reply to the emails I receive from that friend of mine who references You’ve Got Mail. If a conversation is a stream, a flow of words and ideas between a few people, then the internet is the waterfall, an outpouring of chaos. It engulfs many in a hybrid of stage whisper, sermon and rallying cry. And because the internet inhabits cyberspace, and not real space, its waterfall can keep on falling forever.

Frank: Amazing… th-this is amazing. Listen to this: ‘the entire workforce of the state of Virginia had to have solitaire removed from their computers because they hadn’t done any work in six weeks.’

Kathleen: That’s so sad.

Frank: Do you know what this is?

Kathleen: No.

Frank: What we’re seeing here?

Kathleen: What?

Frank: It’s the end of Western civilization as we know it.

You’ve Got Mail is a remake of a 1940’s Jimmy Stewart romantic comedy, with email taking the place of letters. For that reason alone, we should probably not form an opinion about how well its writers judged the future. But time and again, they got it horribly wrong. Playing games on your own is not a serious threat to people keeping their attention on what they should be doing. The insipid interactivity promoted by Facebook is the real weapon of mass distraction. In You’ve Got Mail, the personal service of a long-established independent book store is not enough to compete with the discounts and cappuccinos offered by the big chain that moves nearby. Now both of them would be put out of business by Amazon. You’ve Got Mail treats the internet as a thin additional gloss to life; it does not threaten substantive change. No wonder its 30-something business-owning protagonists come across as childishly innocent when compared to the manipulating kidults of The Social Network. For them, Facebook is not a soppy way to meet the love of their life. For them, the internet is a way to take advantage of everybody else’s soppy desires. If they meet the love of their life, it will be after earning the first few hundred million dollars. Meanwhile everyone else can meet the love of their life through a carefully designed and packaged website, and if they do not want to meet the love of their life, then let them at least meet their love for that evening.

Sometimes civilizations must fall to make way for a new one. As ably demonstrated in both You’ve Got Mail and The Social Network, change is not always for the better. Get cheaper books, but at the cost of losing that transitory human engagement you might enjoy with a shopgirl. Make a million ‘friends’ and a billion dollars, but at the expense of having all your flaws ruthlessly examined, whether through a law suit or a major motion picture. Find a new way to reach people, but give up your privacy forever as part of the bargain. The foundations of new civilizations can be built from the ruins of the civilizations they destroy, but those foundations may give us little hint of the eventual shape of things to come. So now we have this new way of conversing, and it is civilized to converse. We are each, in our own ways, cementing this new world by how we act.

Kathleen: What is so wrong with being personal anyway?

Joe: Err, nothing.

Kathleen: Because whatever else anything is, it oughta begin by being personal.

If The Social Network is to be believed, then Facebook certainly started as something personal. It was Mark Zuckerberg’s personal statement, personal liberation, personal f*ck you, all rolled into one. But perhaps that is just a way to give the story more dramatic nuance. Really, he was probably a bright kid with a good idea and the ability to realize it at just the right time and just the right place. Others may or may not have had the same idea, and he may or may not have borrowed/copied/stolen it from them. Others have done similar things before and since. What matters is that this was the time and place for this idea, which makes the story of The Social Network to be unfailingly the story of Mark Zuckerberg, no matter who the actors are around him. Facebook is his composition. A man with a wanton disregard for the intellectual property of others became the person owning the most valuable intellectual property of all. Facebook is the key that opens millions of doors.

Confessing to the internet is cruel, for it is impossible to tell if we are absolved of our sins, or merely adding to them. Nietzsche wrote that when you look into an abyss, the abyss also looks into you. Confessing to the internet is not to look into an abyss, but to fall into it, alongside a million other souls. More eerily still, you may fall in silence, unnoticed by those around you, or you may fall amidst a cacophony. It all depends on your popularity, or the interest you provoke. In hindsight, there should have been no surprise that Facebook was a hit. It was powered by teen cravings for popularity. The internet encourages the facetious hope of connecting to all, or to that special one. One must dive headlong into it, whilst never sure of where we will eventually come to rest, whether washed up in paradise, or dashed against the rocks.

Kathleen: Why did you stop by again? I forget.

Joe: I wanted to be your friend.

Kathleen: Oh.

Joe: I knew it wasn’t possible. What can I say? Sometimes a guy just wants the impossible.

Halfthoughts, this blog, is very nearly three years old. In that time I have written a new post once a week, with a very few exceptions. My WordPress dashboard tells me that this will be my 154th post. When I started, I explained the reasons for writing it: a compulsion on the behalf of the author, ignorant of the desires of any audience. The audience was unimagined. I did say you should feel free to come back and see how it progressed, if you like. Unexpectedly, some of you have. Ironically, others never visit ‘here’, but they read these words because I pipe them over to my Facebook page. So here I am, twirling head over ankle in the furious freefall of the internet, throwing my own misshapen ideas into its midst with a reliable regularity. In that time I have written poems, and film reviews, comedy scripts and diatribes. What does it all add up to? I must confess that I have no idea. The future is as mysterious to me as it was to the writers of You’ve Got Mail. The true consequences of our collective actions are as unknown as are the consequences of transitioning to a civilization where everybody, without exception, has been socially networked from the moment of birth. Even the past, as documented here, is shapeless. Or rather, it eludes condensation. Feel free to summarize it if you like, but I cannot.

To my surprise, what You’ve Got Mail and The Social Network had in common was not that they were stories involving the internet. Their visions of the internet were too different to allow that. What You’ve Got Mail and The Social Network have in common is people. Technology changes, and technology changes people, but the essence of human desires remain the same. People want to know other people. They want to be known by other people. They want to be loved and respected, and so to be seen in the best possible of all relative lights. As we crash headlong through the internet’s fibre optic backbone, it can become the brightest of all lights, made up of a billion points of light. Its glare can be blinding. We all sit in the light, but to be in the light need not entail that we are seen. I find possibility without promise to be comforting; another confession of mine. Why not strip chance bare, accelerate it to the speed of light, and see what happens? It is no more or less the same chance as meeting somebody new in your neighbourhood book store. This is a bright new world. Remember not to stare directly at it, and try to look at it through dark glasses.

Welcome, again, to the middle of our conversation. Let us see where it carries us.

More Crazy Cliches of Space Opera

Man’s imagination knows no bounds. This has been demonstrated by his inventiveness since time began. First man discovered space, most particularly the space between him and the nearest attractive woman. Man then invented singing, perhaps to attract potential mates from afar. Then man invented soap, because the women ran in the opposite direction when their noses got in range. Man then invented opera, which most men considered a mistake, as it was a very expensive way to take a woman out and get her to sit next to you. And then man invented television, which was cheaper and more entertaining than opera, though women objected to not being taken out as often. So man invented soap opera, which appeased the women and kept them home, but which the men considered to have even more ridiculous plots than proper opera. Man solved that problem by inventing space opera, a kind of science fiction that allows man to imagine himself fighting aliens on other worlds whilst ignoring the demands of his mate to take out the rubbish. But even after all this invention, there are still some black holes in man’s imagination – rifts in space and time that allow the stupidest absurdity to become accepted as space opera fact. Some of these have been mentioned before, in a post about the crazy cliches of space opera. More follow…

Uncommon Sense

What are sensors and scanners? How do they work? Teenage males gawk in dumbfounded amazement as they imagine themselves wielding energy death rays and experiencing faster-than-light travel, but nobody gives a second thought to the mysterious technology which seems to tell you what is going on in hidden places that are hundreds of miles away. Without even a cursory technobabble explanation, we are given the impression that these marvelous sensory machines could tell us pretty much anything we wanted to know…

Captain: How many people are on the planet below?

Ensign: Scanners indicate four billion lifeforms, sir. All human. Also some dogs, fish and weasels.

Captain: Take us in for a closer look.

Ensign: Sir, I wouldn’t recommend that. We’re sensing some very strong gravimetric tides in the planet’s upper ionosphere.

Captain: Okay, what can we tell about the inhabitants from this range?

Ensign: The planet has a pre-warp industrialized civilization that makes heavy use of coal as an energy source. They have yet to discover electricity. Society is organized on matrilinear grounds and it’s considered extremely rude to wear a hat whilst eating your breakfast. Their favourite leisure activity is a cross between canasta and beach volleyball, and their planetary anthem is note-for-note identical to Bryan Adams’ Summer of 69.

Captain: I’m hungry. Where’s my breakfast?

Ensign: Onboard sensors indicate that chef accidentally dropped your omelette on the floor and he is currently attempting to scoop it back up on to the plate whilst picking out any bits of fluff.

[The ship is violently rocked and internal klaxons start to blare out.]

Captain: What the heck was that?

Ensign: It’s a Klingulan Battlehawk, firing at us from point blank range.

Captain: How did they get so close without being detected?

Ensign: They must be using some new kind of cloaking technology…

Level Heads Play the Percentages

There is a lot of talk about science in space opera, which is not that surprising given it is a kind of science fiction. Many of the scenarios are driven by magical new scientific discoveries. Plots often concern scientific progress, especially when a lone nut scientist invents, all on his own, some fantastic new gizmo that nobody else can hope to copy (presumably the writers of space opera assume that the Chinese will never visit space). Spaceships even have science officers. But scientific units? Nope. They hate that. I have no idea what would be the SI unit for force field strength, but it is not a percentage. In space opera, percentages rule and absolute measures with proper units are for clowns who presumably have no idea what 100% means in practice. “Shields are down to 30%” is, of course, just a gobbledygook way of saying “we’re taking a beating”. However, at least I know that higher percentages are generally going to be better than lower percentages. What is somebody to make of levels? In the faux number systems of space opera, levels come up as often as percentages. They have levels for diagnostics, they adjust their weapons to different levels, sometimes even they measure the maturity of an alien society in terms of levels. Mostly the levels are either 1, 2 or 3, but there is never an explanation of what they mean. Is level 3 better than level 1, or the other way around? Perhaps level 1 is best, because we never hear about high numbers in the levels. If only somebody could set their phasers to level 42…

The Smartest Energy Grids

“Divert all power to engines…!” If this command was taken seriously, the lights would go out, the artificial gravity would turn off, and anybody undergoing surgery in the medical bay would be right out of luck. In space opera, spaceships seem to have infinite capacity to redivert power backwards and forwards. Systems like engines, shields, weapons and life support seem to be part of some infinitely malleable energy grid, where cutting off the oxygen supply might somehow enable the ship to travel a few times faster. That said, the power management is always intelligent enough to avoid completely starving any vital function of the energy it requires to function. Whoever designed these ships deserves a commendation for their flexibility. Perhaps, though, we have an explanation of why an impact on the exterior of a spaceship is guaranteed to set sparks flying from consoles in its interior. With every device being rated to run on any amount of energy from that produced by a slow-turning windmill to that produced by the nuclear reaction in a mid-sized sun, it must be impossible to fit fuses in spaceships. In short, your average star cruiser is less safely wired than a kettle.

Along Similar Lines

Parallel universes, new timelines and alternate realities feature in space opera with disturbing frequency. They tend to feature a different configuration of the current universe except that the Nazis won WW2, or the central cast of heroes and baddies reverse their roles, or the Nazis were aliens or the Nazis invaded the USA. But you never see stories involving only a very slight change of the current universe. Given the difficulty of swapping from one universe to another, you might expect it would be much more common for people to transition between realities that are almost identical, except for one small detail. This is a shame, as the possibilities are infinite. Imagine a space opera story set in a universe where everything was the same but the colours of the uniforms, or one where kids enjoy eating Brussels sprouts. Or, if that is not sufficiently interesting, consider how single focused changes might greatly alter our perception of how the universe works, possibly shaking it to its foundations. For example, imagine a universe where Richard Branson keeps a low profile and focuses on running good businesses, one where James Cameron made a movie where the screenplay cost more than the CGI budget, or – and this one is especially hard to imagine – a universe where Emile Heskey leads the England football team to World Cup glory by emulating Geoff Hurst and scoring three in the final.

See, Hear

Despite the wonders of sensor technology, space opera remains firmly vested in the two human senses we most rely upon: sight and sound. This is true even though these senses would be of little use in space. We all know that space would be silent, because there is no atmosphere to carry sounds, whilst we also know that space opera conveniently ignores this fact with its proliferation of booms, bangs, zaps and whooshes. It seems that all aliens hear in the same range as humans, which presumably means the canine people of Dogstar 6 will never get a show of their own. Not only do aliens hear like people, they see like them too. Occasionally there will be an alien race that lives in darkness, and they need to wear cool dark glasses to cope with 60 watt room lighting, much like an interstellar version of Bono. So why is there no alien race that sees in infra-red? Or that sees like bats ‘see’, through hearing echoes of their surroundings? The insides of their ships would be pitch black, which would prove a serious challenge to any human wanting to board their ship, and would undermine the benefits of talking via a viewscreen. Whilst aliens are treated as all too human, the most intriguing aspects of spaceship design are the ones that reflect human prejudices about how things work. For example, all spaceships have windows. They even have windows for pilots to look out of, so they can see where they are going. It is not hard to imagine what we would see if we looked out of a spaceship window as it traversed the vast distances between stars – just think of the night sky. Unless you are near something bright, space is very dark. Which begs the question of what anyone expects to see out of their window, apart from stars and maybe nearby planets and moons. You do not need a clever stealth design or fancy cloaking technology to make it hard to spot a spaceship. Just paint it black – then nobody would see it unless you pointed a searchlight right at it. Bizarrely, though, even alien aggressors can be relied upon to light up their ships so they are clearly visible for a distance. So whilst intergalactic H&S regulation is very lax on wiring, everybody knows their ships should carry more lamps and high-visibility strips than the most safety-conscious of cyclists.

New Year’s Dissolution

Twelvemonth had elapsed since the last arbitrary annual signifier of time’s passing. It was the first workday of the year. Preston was back at his desk. He stared at the opaque screen that separated his cubicle from his neighbour’s, whilst pretending to stare at the luminescent screen of his computer. This was how he had started the previous year, though the fact was hardly worthy of comment, given that mindless staring was the single most time-consuming element of his daily routine.

Preston considered what he had gained since the last perfunctory distribution of new office diaries. He was in line for a promotion. A new senior management role had been created, and then it had remained vacant for months. Initially he had tried to help identify and scrutinize candidates, until it became obvious that nobody who matched the spec would be crazy enough to actually apply for it. Preston had no serious rivals, though he wondered if they might delay indefinitely in the hope of a miracle discovery or else to hand the job out to someone’s retarded cousin by way of repaying a favour. The role was of a higher grade to that currently occupied by Preston, but it involved a significantly reduced degree of real responsibility. It required a lower level of skill and experience. Preston’s career had the Merlinesque quality of progressing from back to front along every dimension that mattered, except that of pay. Fewer hours, less travel and simpler expectations from less demanding bosses would be his reward for having the right CV in the right place at the right time. Preston’s diseased mind utterly rejected the notion of fate, but this did seem a natural and destined continuation of Preston’s aching, arching ballistic career trajectory. This would take him even more into those stellar ranks where retrograde motion could always be explained away as someone else’s fault, even when it was just the consequence of cosmic design.

He reminded himself the role was not his yet. But there had been other advancements. He had finally secured his senior-grade parking spot in the ‘new’ car park. To the naked eye, construction of the car park had been completed in March. It had taken the following nine months for the authorities to process the permits that signified the car park’s rectangular concrete expanse to be a safe and healthy place for daytime car storage. The longer winter nights had helped Preston to catch up on his sleep. He had even ventured to examine the gym, though he had no genuinely discernable intention to use it. And his bank balance was fatter than the portliest of St. Nick’s that had recently besieged him at billboards, street corners and department stores. Life was being good to Preston Dirges. He would have assented to this, if forced into a rational evaluation. So why did he feel so miserable?

Some time ago, the mathematical notion of chaos had vaulted into the public consciousness. It was one of those pseudo-scientific ideas that people liked to pretend they understood after pretending to read a book popularizing it. Preston understood chaos perfectly. Chaos dictated that it did not matter if the future state of a system could be forecast with perfect deterministic certainty. Theoretical perfection was undermined by practical limitation. All that mattered was that you could never measure the initial or current status precisely enough, and that even the minutest variance would guarantee a radically different unfolding of subsequent events. Chaos was endemic, of course. It could be used to prove that Preston would never actually succeed in performing his role; the best he could do would be to get lucky and take the credit, or be unlucky whilst successfully blaming somebody else. Most people were spared contemplating the truth of chaos by virtue of their ignorance and/or lack of comprehension. But Preston was meant to know what would happen, or at least to improve the usefulness of the guesses that were made all around his workplace. So Preston contemplated chaos, a futile act, as he himself recognized.

Not all aspects of life are chaotic, Preston conceded. However, he thought that predictability might only be a quirky by-product of how time was perceived. If you lived life slowly enough, then future outcomes might seem likely just because you never allowed sufficient time for a change to take place. Weather forecasting was the best-known example of how chaos denied any hope of accurate prediction. A butterfly bats its wings in Okinawa and two weeks later you get a monsoon in Rio. Or not. But if you sit with the sun on your face then the sun will probably still be shining a few seconds later. So if the travails of time were slowed to the point where a lifetime was completed during the batting of a butterfly wing, then predictability would reign for most people. Some would be unlucky enough to live in those mercurial times when they would feel that very first drop of rain, but the blinkbeat of most lives would be too short to involve change. And that explained a lot about Preston’s life.

Somebody called.
“Preston Dirges speaking.”
“Hello. Who is that please?”
“Preston Dirges. How may I help you?”
“Oh. I’m sorry, I have the wrong number,” and the line went dead, which was a relief. Preston generally did not believe in working before lunch. Morning indolence helped him to cope with the after-effects of insomnia.

With so few telephone numbers, people should not make as many mistakes as they do, ruminated Preston. There were between 100 and 500 trillion synapses in Preston’s brain. If people could not dial the right four-figure extension number, then what hope was there for Preston to calculate what he was going to do in future, never mind anyone else? But then, Preston had been at the same desk a year before, and most of the days between. He consoled himself that there would come a day which would be the last day at his desk, the last in his parking spot, the last at this meaningless job. This consoled him, until he remembered his promotion would require him to move to a new desk on the 33rd floor, and that there was every possibility that his car park space would be reallocated as a result.

The work was piling up on Preston’s desktop computer, an inevitable by-product of his move. Preston often observed that managers trusted their underlings to do the most just when they had the least reason to be loyal. Deadlines had to be met, for fear that once breached there would be nobody to complete the task. When normally other people could be allowed to wallow in their non-responsiveness, it became important to regularly ‘chase’ people to do their job “” a chase which posed as much threat as a toothless old cheetah menacing a gazelle with its gums. Most mind-numbingly of all, handover notes had to be written. Preston had always been asked to write handover notes, and had never received any. There was a rift in the universe where an incumbent’s lazy musings about what they do are always lost to the successor.

The pile-up of work had been exacerbated in that needful way that only seems needful to a business so wrapped up in good management that it barely remembers what its business is. There had been no money, or no willingness to spend money on implementing a system that would have spared Preston the task of sending out, once a quarter, several hundred near-identical emails all with near-identical Excel spreadsheet attachments. Within the wiggle space of this near-commonality, there was room for an awful lot of thankless toil. Preston worked for a technology business, and as in all such businesses, the solution to an easily automated problem was to recruit a person to perform menial tasks. The appointment of a dogsbody had been promised even at Preston’s first interview. Preston had made a mental allowance of six months before he expected genuine approval for recruitment; he was only very modestly disappointed when the approval took slightly over twice as long to materialize. But now that Preston had asked to be transferred, recruitment of underlings had to be put on hold. It would be unseemly for Preston to recruit somebody. His successor would instead get to hand-pick his or her team. Preston had been in this situation before, of handing over promised heads to an unknown successor. One again, the asymmetric space-time rift between predecessor and successor ensured that what goes around never did come around. Preston had never started a new job with an opportunity to bring in new people, though he had sometimes began work just days after his new underlings had got their collective feet in the door.

Preston’s diseased mind finally engaged the attention of the rest of Preston.

Diseased Mind: I’m tired. Why don’t you sleep better?

Preston: It’s the weather, I think. Too much pressure bearing down on me.

Diseased Mind: Blaming it on the weather – is that the best you can do? Why don’t you get some proper exercise for a change? Then you might sleep properly.

Preston: I would exercise, if I wasn’t so damn tired all the time.

Diseased Mind: I think my memory is going. I was about to say something and now I can’t think what it was. It’s like I’m dissolving away steadily.

Preston: I’ll have some water (takes a sip) “” that might refresh you a little.

Diseased Mind: We’re falling apart, man. I can feel my synapses eroding every day. There was a time when I felt clever – no, I mean there was a time when I was clever.

Preston: Intellect isn’t an advantage in the workplace.

Diseased Mind: That’s true, but I don’t want you to hand yourself over to the Invasion of the Bodysnatchers either.

Preston: It would simplify things. For a start, we wouldn’t need to pretend to fit in any more. It would just come naturally.

Diseased Mind: I’m going back to sleep. Wake me up when it’s time to pick out lunch.

As part of the erratic turning of life’s great hamster wheel, Preston’s transfer for the uncontested vacancy had been held-up indefinitely. Preston’s sinecure was to be so senior that the powers-that-be balked at just giving him the job. Preston would need to assure everybody of his psychological stability and raw potential through a gruelling external assessment. Clearly this assessment had only become mandatory after the appointment of the powers-that-be, by which time the need for improved quality control must have been painfully obvious. It being Christmas, and then New Year, the scheduling of the assessment kept being postponed because of leave-taking by the people needed to sit around drinking coffee in a room adjacent to the room where Preston would fill out his exam paper. The shortfall of coffee-drinking overseers in the vicinity had even necessitated the procurement of an overseas firm to perform Preston’s assessment. Preston wondered if they were secretly hoping he would be jet-lagged on arrival, and hence perform no better than the typical example of the powers-that-be, thus achieving a kind of reverse normalization that would help to avoid any real spur to change. Uninspired by his copying and pasting from email to email, and from spreadsheet to spreadsheet, Preston took the time to research providers of psychological profiling in nearby nations, and also to muse possible travel arrangements. He calculated the cost of the appraisal exercise would be roughly equal to the system the business could not afford, but which, if they could afford it, would have automated all those near-identical emails and spreadsheets. Preston’s diseased mind metaphorically flipped over in its sleep, murmuring something about how testing Preston was an economically prudent investment for a business that had been unable to find any alternatives for this particular vacancy. After all, if Preston was not up to the task, then clearly nobody else should even attempt it.

Time must be going very slowly indeed, thought Preston. For all the chaos, everything really important was predictable; so would be his choice of lunchtime sandwich.

First Person Singular

My first post of 2011 is pretty irregular, in that it is a properly formatted screenplay for a short film. I just submitted this screenplay to the Doha Film Institute. They had a deadline of January 1st for their competition; that rather changed the complexion of my new year’s celebrations…! The story is called “First Person Singular”. You can read it by following this link. One downside of reading it would be that you will spoil the surprise ending, should the unlikely happen and the screenplay is picked to be made into a film. On the other hand, I might get a small positive in terms of increased awareness of you. If you are one of those countless people who reads my posts via Facebook – and I mean countless in the sense that I get no count of how many read Halfthoughts that way – then you will just have to come to my proper site if you want to read this.

I will not ruin the story by commenting too much here, but it was extraordinarily quick to write. That was lucky, because I had no time to waste if I was to hit the deadline. The rapid evolution was spurred by bringing together a number of recent preoccupations of mine. One is the idea that as the world globalizes, cultural and national distinctions increasingly decline as an influence on behaviour. When writing about the central character of this screenplay, I deliberately avoided giving any clues about their identity. Anyone might do what they do. I would be intrigued to know how people imagine him, as I have been trying to vary the image I have of him in my head. Sometimes he has my face; at others times he might have yours. The idea of the homogeneity of human behaviour linked to another idea, which is about the connection or disconnection of people in a modern era. We may become more similar in behavioural terms, but how do we behave towards each other? What are our means of communicating, and when and how do we exercise them? I had in mind to explore whether, by being more similar, and finding new ways to connect, we also encourage a countervailing trend to raise obstacles and reassert the distance and differences between people. This might lend itself to acute feelings of suspicion and distrust, even as humans seemingly know more about each other than ever before. There was some irony that writing this screenplay preoccupied me in the run-up to New Year’s, a time of congregation and festivity for many, whilst writing continues to be, by its nature, a mostly solitary task.

The Superhero Masked Ball

Deep beneath Wade Mansions, multi-billionaire William Wade, also known as The Nightwrangler, is preparing to host his very secret Christmas ball. Even by his standards, it boasts an extraordinary and exclusive guestlist…

[Arthur, Wade’s wheelchair-bound and octogenarian manservant, is pouring champagne in the Nightlair, Wade’s hideaway and centre of operations. The expanse of the Nightlair comfortably accommodates a host of fantastic vehicles, several multi-storey computers, and a dozen laboratory benches, upon which some experiments are still visibly in progress. Wade enters, sliding down a transparent chute with his arms crossed over his chest. He lands feet-first, right in the very centre of the cavernous Nightlair. Wade is wearing a white tuxedo, a bow tie, and a sequinned mask. Arthur tuts.]

Arthur: Sir, you’ve creased your jacket. Why didn’t you just come down the elevator with me?

Wade: There’s not enough time, faithful Arthur. Evil never rests, and we superheroes must be ready for action at a single moment’s notice. Also, it’s more fun to take the chute.

Arthur: Ahem. Well, we had better hope that evil takes the night off this evening, or else your get-together will be cut short.

Wade: Good point, well made, my loyal Arthur. I must admit that I’m counting on the villainry of Conurb City to be winding down during this last week of the year. You know what they’re like. They always overindulge at Christmas. Then they leave it to the New Year to resolve once more to take over the world. And then they spend the whole of January getting back into shape down at the gymnasium, following it up with a burst of evil-doing around February, coinciding with none of them ever receiving any Valentine’s cards.

[Suddenly a klaxon blares into life, many rotating beacon lights swirl and a female voice is heard over the tannoy, repeating the word ‘Attention’ over and over.]

Wade: [Leaps to the computer display of a nearby console.] What is it, Arthur? Is there a crime in progress?

Arthur: [Sighs] No sir. I believe it’s our first guest of the evening. Perhaps we should switch off the proximity alarms?

Wade: Right you are, my dependable retainer. You see to the alarms. I’ll let the guests in.

[Several superhero guests wait outside. They all came together because they were paranoid that the invites were luring them into a trap. The heroes are standing in a forest glade, across from a roaring waterfall.]

Arachnoguy: Is this the right place?

Cyberneticon: My GPS says yes.

Fluidia: It’s a beautiful waterfall… I like it here. Now we just need to find the doorbell. What does it say on the invitation again? I’m sorry, I didn’t bring mine “” I would only have got it all soggy.

Cardsharp: [Reaches inside his jacket] I have my invite. This sounds like the right place. ‘Wooded valley, by a waterfall…’

[The waterfall stops pouring. A drawbridge, that had been hidden behind the waterfall, descends from the cliff face. Wade walks across it to meet his guests.]

Wade: Hello and good evening! Welcome! You must be… [points at them as he says their names] Cyberneticon “” half man, half machine, all hero “” the thread-dangler himself: Arachnoguy, Cardsharp, master of… erm… throwing razor-sharp cards, and Fluidia, Queen of the Amorphous, though that title hardly does justice to the mouth-watering figure you present in that dress.

Cardsharp: And who would you be?

Wade: Why, I’m your host. The Nightwrangler.

Cardsharp: [Looks more closely] Yes you are. Normally I’d recognize you, but you’re not wearing your normal costume.

Wade: But you’re all wearing your regular costumes… you know, you didn’t need to wear your work-clothes. This is meant to be a party after all.

Arachnoguy: The invite said it was a ‘masked ball’. The masks and the suits go together.

Cyberneticon: When it comes to masks, I can’t actually remove my visor. It’s attached to my head.

Cardsharp: So it seems that The Nightwrangler is none other than William Wade, multibillionaire commodities trader…

Wade: [Looks surprised, reaches his hands up to his mask] What would make you think that I am William Wade?

Cardsharp: Two things really. First, we’re standing on your estate. There’s nobody else who lives around here. Second, I have eyes. You look just like William Wade.

Wade: I’m afraid to say that you are very mistaken. I’m not William Wade. I’m… somebody else entirely.

[Fluidia suppresses a giggle.]

Cardsharp: You look exactly like William Wade. That mask isn’t much of a disguise. You might as well try to change your appearance by putting on spectacles.

[Cyberneticon lifts his arm and points it at Wade. A dart fires from his fist into Wade’s neck. A light on the end of the dart flashes red and green. Wade pulls it out and throws it to the floor.]

Cyberneticon: Processing… processing… my probe confirms it “” your DNA is a perfect match for William Wade.

Wade: [Annoyed] Okay, you’ve discovered my secret identity. Just don’t tell anybody, will you?

Fluidia: Don’t worry, handsome. We can keep a secret. Let’s just hope your other guests can, and that they get too drunk to see you properly.

[Fluidia takes Wade’s arm and escorts him inside.]

****

[All the guests have now arrived, and the party is in full swing. Wade is working the room, trying to ensure everybody is talking.]

Fluidia: [Aside to Arachnoguy] Don’t look now, but Wade’s bringing over the Dorkestra.

Wade: [Walking up to them with another guest] Fluidia, Arachnoguy, please let me introduce you to Cacophony.

Arachnoguy: Pleased to meet you.

Fluidia: Actually, we’ve met. Excuse me, I need to powder my nose [Walks off hurriedly.]

Cacophony: [To Arachnoguy] It’s nice to meet you too.

Wade: What in heavens is the matter with Fluidia?

Arachnoguy: Superheroes, huh? They’re always getting into superfights… [looks knowingly at Cacophony].

Cacophony: I have no fight with Miss Fluidia. [Awkward silence] So you like to hang around upside down, dangling by a thread from the tops of tall buildings?

Arachnoguy: That’s one of my hobbies. I also keep exotic fish and I play in goal for my local soccer team. And what do you do in your spare time?

Cacophony: I sing and I make music.

Arachnoguy: Really? In a choir?

Wade: [Chortles] Miss Cacophony is a choir in her own right. Later we’ll get her to sing some carols in the style of Aled Jones before his voice broke. In fact, Miss Cacophony can perfectly reproduce any noise or music, be it a police siren, birdsong or a full-blown marching band.

Arachnoguy: Oh, so you’re like that guy off of Police Academy?

Cacophony: Err… yes. I suppose so.

****

[Arthur opens the door to some late-arriving guests.]

Arthur: Who is it?

Norman: The name’s Norman, Para-Norman. Plus one.

Arthur: I’m sorry sir, only people on the guest list are allowed to enter. [He looks dismissively at Norman’s friend, who is very obese.]

Norman: Look it’s Christmas, and he’s got nowhere else to go. Show some charity.

Arthur: [Turns to Norman’s friend] You do look familiar.

Bacon: I’m Frank Bacon.

Arthur: [Shocked] I know you! Frank Bacon, alias Eat-O, alias The Human Pig. You’re a criminal, and you’re not welcome here. [Looks angrily at Norman, then back to Bacon] And now you know the location of our secret command centre [huffs].

Bacon: Well, duh. Where else would William Wade keep his lair except in his basement? For myself, I do all my evil scheming in my den. I stick my hi-fi on, crack open a brewski and start sketching out ways to cause untold mayhem and destruction…

Arthur: William Wade? [Coughs] This party has nothing to do with William Wade…

Bacon: Puh-lease. You think I don’t know that William Wade is the Nightwrangler? Wade and the Wrangler look identical. I’m fat, not stupid. A cheap mask and some eye make-up isn’t going to fool me. Wrangler’s got the most pathetic disguise since Cryptogeek went to Specsavers and started pretending he was different people each time he changed his glasses.

Arthur: You still can’t come in. Go away!

Norman: Look, I promise he won’t cause any trouble. He’s lonely “” why do you think he eats so much? Pal, it’s Christmas. This is the time of goodwill to all. Let him come in, make some friends, perhaps we can get Frank here [puts his arm around Bacon’s shoulder] to come join the good guys. And if it doesn’t work, I promise I’ll wipe his mind at the end of the evening, so he’ll have no recollection of any of this.

Arthur: I can’t allow him to come in.

Norman: I knew you were going to say that.

Arthur: Predictable, am I?

Norman: No, precognition is one of my powers. Well, I tried reasoning with you… [Norman raises his hand to his forehead. He stares intently at Arthur. A few seconds later, Arthur’s demeanour has changed utterly.]

Arthur: [Servile] Please, gentlemen, come in. Mr Bacon, Mr. Norman, let me take your hats and coats. Come this way and I will introduce you.

Bacon: [To Norman] Thanks pal, I didn’t want to be alone tonight, not at Christmas. [Gives Norman a hug.]

Arthur: Mr. Wade, ahem, I mean The Nightwrangler is this way…

Bacon: Can you just take us straight to the buffet instead?

Norman: I knew you were going to say that.

Bacon: Yeah, you have the power to read minds.

Norman: [Looks at Bacon’s belly] Something like that.

****

Cardsharp: [Eyes a beautiful young woman and crosses the room to speak to her.] Hello, I don’t think we’ve had the pleasure, and I’d remember, because the pleasure would be all mine.

Julia: Does that mean there would be no pleasure for me? [Smiles wryly] I’m Julia [Offers her hand to shake].

Cardsharp: [Shakes hands but is confused] Excuse me, what’s your name?

Julia: [Still shaking hands] Julia.

Cardsharp: [Still shaking hands] That’s a beautiful name, but I thought this was a party for superheroes?

Julia: Oh, I have powers. Try this… [grips Cardsharp’s hand firmly and sends a burst of electricity through it, causing him to jitter and cry out in pain]. Pretty good trick, huh? And look, [she holds up the palm of her hand] there’s not even a buzzer attached.

Cardsharp: [Takes a moment to catch his breath.] I see [blows on his hand to cool it down]. But you should have a hero-name. They should call you ‘Electrogirl’ or ‘The Zappstress’.

Julia: My name is Julia. It’s tacky to have a hero-name.

Cardsharp: I quite like mine: ‘Cardsharp’.

Julia: Tacky.

Cardsharp: [Laughs it off] You’re right. Wait a second, what have we here…? [Reaches towards Julia’s ear and, by sleight of hand, pulls out a sprig of mistletoe.]

Julia: [Giggles] I guess you’re good with your hands…

Cardsharp: [Holds mistletoe above them both and steps closer.] Not just my hands…

[Their mouths come together… and a spark from Julia’s lips hurls Cardsharp backwards across the room.]

Julia: The problem with hero names is that they can be so misleading. What were you saying about being sharp? Mess with me and I’ll leave you flat…

****

[Captain Improv is helping himself to some food at the buffet. Arthur is leading Frank Bacon and Para-Norman towards the buffet table, until Bacon gets too impatient and pushes past Arthur and his wheelchair in order to get to the food sooner.]

Bacon: [Loudly, to anyone in earshot] I’m starving.

Captain Improv: You don’t look it. [Has a double-take] Wait, is that you, Eat-O? The man who literally ate all the pies, after first stealing them in the Great Bakery Scam of 2008? I thought this was a party for heroes, not greedy crooks.

Bacon: Captain Improv… always trying to have the last laugh. I’ll wipe the smile off your face [raises a fist].

Captain Improv: Fat chance.

Norman: [Butting in to calm things down.] Now, now. We don’t want to spoil the party. It’s Christmas. Peace on Earth. A time to set aside our differences.

Captain Improv: You’re right, Norman. There’s no need to make a meal out of this.

Bacon: Hey?

Captain Improv: I’m just agreeing that we should all keep calm. Frank, it looks like you’ve been under a lot of stress. You’ve obviously had a lot on your plate.

[Bacon socks Captain Improv in the mouth…]

****

[Having escaped Cacophony, Fluidia is standing around on her own for a moment, off to one side, leaning against a laboratory bench. A strange-looking man materializes right next to her. He hands her a drink.]

Strange Man: You look like you need a top up.

Fluidia: You’d be surprised how often I need replenishing. [Takes the drink.] Don’t I know you? Aren’t you the guy who makes microscopic black holes appear at will?

Strange Man: That’s my twin brother, Quantum Singularity. I’m Quantum Shifter “” I can teleport from place to place… [he disappears from one side of Fluidia and reappears on the other side].

Fluidia: I met your brother once, we were both caught up in a fight against The League of Really Unpleasant People. Is he here?

Quantum Shifter: Oh, Singularity doesn’t much like parties. He tends to keep himself to himself.

[The sound of an intense fight erupts from the other side of the Nightlair.]

Quantum Shifter: Hey, sounds like trouble, we’d better get over there…

Fluidia: [Puts her hand on Quantum Shifter’s shoulder.] Take it easy. It’s probably just Dorkestra “” I mean Cacophony “” doing her party piece. She like to do those Kung Fu sound effects just like that guy who was in Police Academy.

A Visit from St. Away

‘Twas the day before Christmas, and all round the flat,
Not a creature was present, not even the cat.
Most were out shopping, loading bags full of crap;
There was no time for lazing, nor having a nap.
The children were screaming, demanding more;
Their visions revolved around the toy store.
Mum’s purse was empty, Dad’s card was maxed out;
Shopping carnage? No, this was a full-blown rout.
Mum looked at her watch, and then threw a fit;
Hurry up, or else miss Wallace and Gromit!
The car slid and it skid, and oft refused to halt,
As Dad cursed the fresh snow and lack of road salt.
Angry and tired, they raced back to home,
But when they arrived, they were not alone.
Spying a stranger trying to open their door,
They crept up behind him, and smacked him to the floor!
“Break into our place? We’ll teach you to steal,
“Welcome to our fists, and mum’s pointy heel!
“Thieving at Christmas?! What incredible gall,
“Now bash away! Bash away! Bash away all!”
They rained down their blows with fearsome might.
The stranger lay prone, not offering a fight.
He whimpered and whined, then made no more sound;
Unconscious he lay, face down to the ground.
Mum called for the cops, on her mobile phone,
But she got no answer, just a busy tone.
They turned the stranger to face the streetlamp;
He was a clean-shaven lad, not a hairy old tramp.
In that yellowish pall, with the lad bruised and bloody,
They realized the blood matched the colour of his hoodie.
It was bitter outside, so they dragged him indoors,
No need for more violence, without due cause.
Mum fetched the mince pies, and made herself tea;
Dad opened a beer, and told the kids to play Wii.
Then Dad rummaged around the lad’s duffel bag;
Found it chock full of gifts, and each with a tag!
One was for mum; the kids both had two;
One was for dad; and for Tom: a cat chew.
Dad was amazed with what he did find.
Did the burglar intend to leave gifts behind?
The lad then awoke, cried and cringed back in fear,
“Please sir, I just want to get out of here…”
But Dad blocked his path, asked who the lad was.
“I’m a delivery boy, working for Santa Claus!
“With so much to distribute, the job is outsourced,
“We’re paid by the Chinese, but we’re Santa-endorsed!
“They call us St. Away, as St. Nick’s not here,
“He’s in too many places, at this time of year.”
Dad did not comprehend, what were the gifts for?
And why was this lad breaking in through the door?
“I was trying the door as you don’t have a chimney,
“Everyone’s getting gifts, except the Nobel Committee.
“It’s a scheme by the Chinese to boost their economy,
“And, to a lesser extent, aid international bonhomie.
“They make all the gifts I carry in these sacks,
“They’re worried their businesses might all collapse.
“If we don’t buy tat, then growth rates will fall,
“And that just won’t do, no, no, not at all!
“Better they give stuff away, than they just hoard it,
“Then we’ll all buy more, when we can afford it!”
Whilst Dad was bemused, the lad noticed his chance,
He dived out of the window, without second glance.
The lad flew down the street, as fast as he could,
He had no desire to make himself understood,
But he loudly exclaimed, as he ran round the bend “”
“Enjoy your Christmas, and your crap without end!”

Introducing SlackStarCoolForceGo!

On a little-known planet situated in an outer spiral arm of a modest galaxy, there are six people. Unlike their home, they are far from ordinary. They are not the only people on this planet, but by their own standards, they are the most noteworthy inhabitants that they know of. In recognition of this, they formed an exclusive club. They named it the One-in-a-Billion Club. Later, and much to everyone else’s chagrin, a founding member, a girl called Casio, moved to a distant city. This prompted the painful and final break-up of an on-off relationship between Casio and another member of the One-in-a-Billion Club, a boy called Hopper. (The names have not been changed to protect the innocent; they really are known as Casio and Hopper, at least within the club.) After her departure and split with Hopper, the remaining members tacitly expelled Casio, reducing the club to five. This spoiled its name, which could no longer refer to the (approximate) ratio of club members to the planet’s total population. The remaining club members enjoy and, at times, revere aspects of Japanese culture, so it was fitting they were eating at a sushi restaurant when they resolved to choose a new title for their group.

Giro: We should call ourselves something that sounds cool, obviously.

Hopper: Ever noticed everything these days has a name that’s a combo of two or more words? Like Facebook, Craigslist… erm… ?

Phi: Yeah, it’s definitely a phenomenon of the World Wide Web. I like to call it the WeldWordWeb.

Hopper: L-o-l, who came up with that?

Phi: I did, all by myself. Don’t you read my blog?

Giro: I don’t believe it. [Points his chopsticks at Phi.] You stole it from somewhere else.

Phi: No, I did not.

Grace: Not every new name is a conjunction of words. Twitter is just one word, and so is Steam. iPad is a letter and a word.

Douglas: [Reaching across for a plate of food.] You know who’s got a good name? Sailor Moon. It’s the perfect name for a space-faring warrior schoolgirl. The manga’s proper full name is Pretty Soldier Sailor Moon. It’s an absomazing name.

Giro: Pretty Soldier Sailor Moon sounds like Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles.

Douglas: Exactly my point. Nobody would have taken any interest in the crappy Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles if they didn’t have a really memorable name. It sears itself into your brain vault like a white hot laser beam cutting through I Can’t Believe It’s Not Butter.

Grace: If we’re going to pick a new name, it has to capture our essence. What is our essence? What makes us, us?

Phi: I’m ice cream cool and so are all of you, though you’re not quite as cool as me.

Hopper: We’re going to become mega stars. Or at least we should.

Giro: We’re slack. Slack like the elastic in an old pair of y-fronts.

Phi: We’re a force to be reckoned with.

Giro: Okay, then it is clear what our name should be: Y-Force Elastic Cream.

Douglas: No. Ice Pants Reckoning.

Phi: How about SlackStarCoolForce?.

[There were many nods of agreement.]

Hopper: We should have a verb in the name. Make us truly distinctive.

Grace: The verb ‘to shuffle’.

Douglas: ‘To bulldoze’.

Hopper: ‘To masticate’. Yes, I said ‘masticate’.

Giro: ‘Go’. It creates a nice juxtaposition with our actual tendency to hang around doing nothing.

And so the club was re-christened SlackStarCoolForceGo!, though it took them several hours to agree on the appropriate way to punctuate the name (all one word, liberal use of capitals) and whether it should be prefaced with the definite article (no). It even took a show of hands to decide if it must end with an exclamation mark (the motion was carried three to two). If they had known that they would recruit a new member only a few days later, they might not have bothered. But then again, they probably would.

It would soon get tedious to have to keep on referring to them by their collective name, so we might as well meet the individuals who were eating sushi that night.

Giro: I’m Giro, and I’m the leader of the SlackStarCoolForceGo!. They’re both pretty stupid names when you think about it, but what are you gonna do? I’m clever, witty, sharp. My classic Oasis logo t-shirt is so uncool that it transcends its uncoolness to be the kind of cool which is so cool that it is uncool again. The band Oasis was cool for 27 minutes during 1993, mostly at times when they were covering ‘I Am The Walrus’ by The Beatles. Unbeknownst to many, Paul McCartney was the truly cool one in the Beatles though he didn’t do himself any favours with ‘Ob-La-Di, Ob-La-Da’.

Phi: My name is Phi, Fiona really, but I prefer to be called Phi. It’s a Greek thing. Don’t ask. I’m the coolest, the de facto leader of the SlackStarCoolForceGo!. On my iPhone I am currently listening to the final episode of John Peel’s Perfumed Garden, which was broadcast on 14th of August 1967. It was cool then and has remained cool to this day.

Grace: Grace is my real name. I like it, though I wouldn’t say I was graceful. This £10 short-sleeved sparkle shift dress that I’m wearing, 2008, from Matalan, is perfectly set-off by my no longer fashionable but nevertheless vintage 16-hole Dr. Martens boots. They’re great for stomping things with.

Douglas: Tonight I’m wearing new black Uniqlo jeans, original blue 80’s Adidas Gazelles that would be worth 140 pounds if sold on the market, my Slowdive ‘Just for a Day’ t-shirt (they were in vogue during the early 90’s) and sunglasses that came free with a large pizza. [Long pause.] Oh yeah “” my name is Douglas. I’m intelligenious, by which I mean I’m an intelligenius, and you could say I’m the leader of the SlackStarCoolForceGo!.

Hopper: They call me Hopper. Yup – Hopper. I didn’t like the name at first, but it grew on me. You’ll need to look closely, but the words on my badge read: “Badges, to god-damned hell with badges! We have no badges. In fact, we don’t need badges. I don’t have to show you any stinking badges, you god-damned cabrón and ching’ tu madre! Come out from that shit-hole of yours. I have to speak to you.” It’s a quote from the 1927 novel ‘The Treasure of the Sierra Madre’. The quote wasn’t so cool then but has become cool thanks to being adapted for the rather cooler 1948 movie starring Humphrey Bogart. It got progressively cooler until the mid-50’s and has declined since, though this original version of the line is now probably four times as cool as when it was first written and eight times as cool when written on a badge. They call me Hopper.

SlackStarCoolForceGo! were dimly aware of a truth that excited and appalled them. This was the freest they would ever be. This was a cusp in their lives, where the balance struck between their powers and responsibilities would be most favourable. Whilst they might attain greater status in later life, their bodies and minds would never be fitter, they would never be more beautiful, and what wealth or authority they might gain would be weighed down with burden and duty. No, this was the time of their lives.

Or rather, they would recruit a new member of the team, and then they would have the time of their lives.

(to be continued…)

Bidding for the 2030 World Cup

David Beckham. Prince William. ‘Call me Dave’ Cameron. We fielded our brightest and best, possibly the three smartest guys in England, and almost certainly the nicest. Becks: celeb footballer, top knickers model and one helluva nice guy. Wills: future King, firstborn of the people’s princess, soon to be dashing groom and one helluva nice guy. And you simply do not get nicer than hug-a-hoodie Cameron, the more popular half of the Nick and Dave double act that runs the country, even if his cutbacks mean the Commission for Reviewing the Adequacy of Pedestrian crossings is never going to engage me for that study they were talking about. It could have been really influential in bringing back more Belisha Beacons to our towns. But I digress. On Thursday night, I was left asking myself where Becks, Wills and Cammie could possibly have gone wrong. England’s 2018 World Cup bid had not just been rejected, it had been ejected in the first round of voting. I was so depressed that I just sat in the dark, constantly flicking between the news channels to find the latest tittle-tattle about what went awry with our bid. The remote control was in my right hand, and in my left I held a long tall smoothie glass, containing equal parts Haagen Dazs, Corona Beer and Tanqueray Gin, with a Cadbury’s Flake stuck in the top. But it was to no avail – nothing would cheer me up. No matter which news channel I watched, there was no rational explanation for why England failed to secure the World Cup. I was bitter about Blatter and put out by Putin. Then my favourite clone, MaV-Eric, came home…

MaV-Eric: [Switching the light on] Hey… are you still up?

Eric: Can’t sleep. There may not be a World Cup in England during the lifetime of me and Dave Cameron.

MaV-Eric: Don’t talk like that. England are favourites to get the 2030 World Cup.

Eric: But Uruguay will be the sentimental choice for 2030. It’ll be the centenary of the first World Cup, which was held in Uruguay.

MaV-Eric: We can’t fail in 2030. Word is that the marketing firm where I work, Perkins and Parker will get the contract for promoting England’s bid for 2030.

Eric: Is that why you are so late?

MaV-Eric: Yeah, we put in a late shift, coming up with some real rad ideas for how to kick our football credibility up a couple of notches.

Eric: Kick-up England’s football credibility? We invented the game. We’ve got the richest domestic league in the world. We actually play football in our country, which is more than can be said for some of the nations that were bidding. Think about it – the English Premier League is shown on the telly in Qatar. Do you ever think they’ll show a Qatar league game on the box in England? We had the best technical bid. We had the best commercial bid. We had the biggest superstar in world football and we gave a great presentation. What more do we have to do…?

MaV-Eric: I can tell you what more England can do – and I’ll tell you by repeating the dialogue we had down the office, word for word.

Eric: Very well, so long as you don’t intend to nest that dialogue within this dialogue. That would be really confusing if anyone wanted to read it later.

MaV-Eric: What do you mean? Are you taking minutes?

Eric: No. I’m recording this conversation and I’ll write up the transcript tomorrow morning.

MaV-Eric: Ah… that explains it. I wondered how you always managed to blog everything we say verbatim. At this point, you should write that you shut up and listened to me relate the story of what happened at Perkins and Parker today.

Eric: Okay, I will.

At this time I shut up and settled back into my armchair, as MaV-Eric recounted the events at Perkins and Parker that day…

[Claire Perkins, indomitable chieftainess of Perkins and Parker strides into their conference room. Her top creative team has been waiting patiently for her. She smiles thinly.]

Perkins: Great news, losers. It’s time for us to be winners. Why? Because England’s a bunch of losers. And we’re going to turn them into winners, turning ourselves into winners in the process. Do you understand?

Fattish black bloke wearing a khaki cardigan near the front: Losers turn into winners by turning losers into winners. Makes sense to me.

Perkins: That’s right. I want ideas tonight for how England will win the bidding process to host the 2030 World Cup, so I can go pitch the ideas first thing tomorrow.

Mousy woman: We can emphasize England’s sporting and footballing history, talk about our great stadiums, point out we have huge experience of running massive international events, modern travel infrastructure and a thriving tourist industry…

Perkins: Wrong, Wrong, WRONG!!! Can anyone do better?

Tall Nerd: We could offer a great deal that gives FIFA a lot of profit from the tournament, we could treat the FIFA delegates to luxury all-expenses-paid stays in the finest London hotels, with meals at the best London restaurants, and we could point out how much work we do promoting the game around the world…

Perkins: Wrong, Wrong, Wrong AGAIN!!! That’s what the bid team did before, and they only got two votes out of twenty-two. And one of them was from the Brit on the committee.

Fattish Bloke: Sepp Blatter said he saw more pretty girls when he visited the other bidding countries. Perhaps we should focus on that as an area for improvement.

Perkins: That idea can’t work for us. Pretty girls work well on FIFA execs, but with players like Rooney and Terry, having pretty girls hanging around will cause more trouble than they are worth. We need to think about legacy. It’s all about leg-acy. That’s why they call it foot-ball. We have to start thinking outside the box. [Points at MaV-Eric] MaV-Eric, you’re good at that. What suggestions do you have? Let’s hear them!

MaV-Eric: Floating football pitches. Sailing stadiums.

Perkins: Excuse me?

MaV-Eric: Let’s take advantage of our great naval tradition. Instead of playing the games in our existing world-class stadiums, the games are played in massive new football stadiums that float on water. Some can be situated in big rivers like the Mersey and the Thames. Others will be anchored off the coast. Then, when we’re finished with them, we can sail them around the world, bringing football to any country with a harbour. Best of all, we promise to create thousands of jobs in the old shipbuilding industry.

Perkins: That’s novel. But won’t it ruin the game if the stadium is bobbing up and down?

MaV-Eric: We’ll promise to invent a totally new technology to solve the problem. Call it a wave-powered ultrasound suspension that keeps the pitch perfectly aligned. We say it will be rock solid that you won’t even be able to sense the slightest wobble using a spirit level, even in the roughest of seas. It won’t matter that it doesn’t exist and won’t work – the FIFA execs are politicians, not scientists.

Perkins: You’re right. In the last World Cup they selected a football so round that nobody could kick it straight. If that’s science, then I’m a Dutchman, and I’m no Dutchman, I’m an Englishwoman. But won’t water-borne stadiums make it hard to host any games in cities inland?

MaV-Eric: Yeah, that’s a tough one. But we could argue we’re bringing football to new places. Places where they rarely get to see football games. Oil rigs, for example. And to fishermen. And the Isle of Man.

Perkins: Hmmm.

MaV-Eric: [Excited] Hey! I’ve got it. Instead of just having stadiums that float on water, we’ll also have some that float in the air. Build massive helium balloons and play the games half a mile above ground. That way, we can simply fly the pitch to wherever we like. Best of all, we’ll get great camera shots of beautiful English countryside and of fans waving from below – all far enough way that the audience cannot see how ugly British people are.

Perkins: That idea could be absurdly expensive, but to win this bid, the more absurdly expensive the idea, the better our chances. But I want to be able to show we’ll leave an even more inventive legacy than that.

MaV-Eric: How about this – instead of a ball that nobody can kick straight, we have moving goalposts.

Tall Nerd: How would that improve the game?

MaV-Eric: It’ll be like a handicap. When one team goes ahead, their goalposts move wider apart, making it easier for the other side to come back and equalize. But if the game goes into extra time, then both goals steadily get wider and wider until somebody scores a golden goal and wins the game.

Perkins: That certainly changes the game itself, but as well as widening the goals, we need more impact on the issues in our wider society. We need to be seen to solve problems and make the world a better place.

MaV-Eric: We could do that by having ten times as many games in the tournament. That way, more people will get to see a game.

Perkins: By your standards, MaV-Eric, that is a disappointing suggestion. If ordinary people get to see games, then what would corporate sponsors be paying for? The whole point of the World Cup is to give VIPs and people who don’t care about the sport an opportunity to brag that they saw games that ordinary football fans can only dream of seeing. And to give them hospitality areas so they can socialize and network without being troubled by watching the game itself.

MaV-Eric: That’s true. I hadn’t thought of that. Why not go the other way, then, and have lots of games but in ultra-small stadiums? Or better still, we can still use really big stadiums, but we halve the number of seats. We replace those uncomfortable little fold-up chairs they normally have with those big reclining ones they have in cinemas, with the big cup holder and separate armrests so nobody has to share.

Perkins: Interesting, but comfy chairs is not such an innovative idea.

MaV-Eric: Then how about night games with a twist? Instead of regular spotlights, the players play under UV spotlights. That way we can paint the ball and all the players’ kit in those really funky neon colours. We could even give them facepaint. Paint them so they look like it’s warpaint. It’ll look like a cross between Tron and Avatar, but with a ball.

Perkins: Yes… good. But it’s still very much the same format of having an audience just sit there and watch the game. We need to leave a legacy that changes the way people think about spectating.

MaV-Eric: True. Then how about some audience participation?

Perkins: What do you mean? Do you mean something like singing? Mexican waves? Vuvuzelas?

MaV-Eric: No, I mean that fans get to text in and decide who will be substituted. We could do it like this… Instead of the players going back to the dressing room at half time and getting a team talk from the coach, they stay out on the pitch. Ant and Dec will chair proceedings. A panel consisting of Simon Cowell, Karen Brady and Terry Venables reviews how well each player performed. The panel gives some marks out of ten, and then these are combined with the SMS votes sent in by people sitting in the stadium and watching on TV. Put them all together and the least popular player is subbed off for the second half.

Perkins: How does that solve the problems of society?

MaV-Eric: It doesn’t. But halfway through the tournament we add Cheryl Cole and Gordon Ramsey to the panel – I think he was a goalie, wasn’t he? – and with her looking good and him swearing at everyone, the people in the audience will forget all their problems. Plus it will be enjoyable to see Ramsey and Cowell tearing a strip out of a lot of preening multimillionaires.

Perkins: I like that. But we need something more to make it look like we’re tackling poverty.

MaV-Eric: Football’s full of people paid millions to kick a ball or paid millions in kickbacks. It’ll be tough to make it seem like they really care about poverty.

Perkins: You’re right, of course, but we need to spin it somehow.

MaV-Eric: Okay, I think I have something that might work. Sometimes children suffer from poverty, right? And there’s no worse poverty than a kid not having any toys to play with. So let’s make some stadiums out of Lego. Lego’s Danish, right, so we do a joint bid with the Danes. They give us the bricks, we provide the funky cool eccentric designers that Britain is famous for. James May built a house from Lego, so I don’t see why we couldn’t build a whole stadium from Lego. And when we’re finished, we take it to bits and give all the Lego to poor children in Africa because maybe they don’t even know if it’s Christmastime or not.

Perkins: Great idea. That would be a legacy we could really be proud of, and I can’t see how FIFA could dare refuse to back a bid that promises to give Lego to deprived children… better still, we give the Lego to deprived orphans. Then we could build some orphanages from the Lego at the same time.

As it happened, I finally fell asleep, whilst MaV-Eric continued to rave on and on about a different kind of legacy for the World Cup 2030. I have to admit his ideas were certainly different from the norm. But forgive me if I suffer a little nostalgia for a golden era I am not old enough to remember. In 1966, there were some people on the pitch because they thought it was all over. 1966 was the kind of World Cup that England should still be good at delivering: bad refereeing decisions and plenty of pitch invasions by ill-disciplined fans. I know Sepp Blatter is a traditionalist. He will be keen to retain the half of that legacy which involves not being able to tell when the ball crosses the line, even if he hates to see ordinary fans excited about a great game of football…

Karen Goes to Town

James started crying again. This was maybe the third or fourth time that he had calmed down, gone quiet, afforded ten seconds of peace, only to erupt into tears again. His action figure lay on the ground. For some unknown reason, James had insisted on taking it out of his backpack and carrying it in his hand. Karen picked it up and tried to give it back to him, but James was crying too hard to notice. Dad was not happy.
“Karen, please say sorry to James,” said Dad.
“Look, I’m sorry, alright?” Karen’s apology was a protest, directed more to her father than to James. Then she paused, turned back to look at James’ red face and even redder knee, and said, with complete sincerity, “James, I am sorry.” She was indeed sorry for hurting her little brother, although she still felt the collision was more his fault than hers. Karen had stopped to look back down Birdcage Walk toward Buckingham Palace, letting James and Dad get ahead. She intended to catch up before Dad had even noticed she was lagging behind, but he did notice and shouted back, telling her not to dawdle. As she caught up with both of them, James had suddenly, unexpectedly, turned around to look for her. In so doing, James had turned straight into Karen’s path. Karen had skilfully managed to avoid knocking James straight on to his bum, but in doing so, she had only succeeded in kicking his foot out from under him, making him fall forward and graze his knee. It had taken all Karen’s balance to save herself from falling too. Now Dad was bound to give her the recurring lecture about “not needing to go so fast with people around, just because you have wheels on your feet.” Karen’s heelys had been the best birthday present she received that year, but it was torture to hear Dad regret buying them after every little mishap. Her brother James walked around so slowly, whilst Karen, with her heelys on, could zip along faster than all the other girls at school, with the exception of Deborah Braithwaite, who always seemed to be best at everything. Zipslicer by name, and zippedy-slippedy fast by nature, was Karen, at least when she wanted to be. Perhaps it would have been better if Dad had put his foot down and insisted Karen had not worn them today. Karen thought about that for a moment, but quickly came to the conclusion that she was being silly. James had stopped crying, this time for the last time. Hoisted atop Dad’s shoulders, the pain in his knee would soon been forgotten, and Karen could go on heely-wheeling down the road, so long as she stayed close to Dad, and did not go too fast.

Outings to London had become rare since James was born and mum had died. They were walking down to Westminster tube. It was getting chilly, and Karen pulled her hat down a little more tightly. Karen knew that as they walked they would take one last look at Big Ben and the Houses of Parliament, before getting on the tube and starting their journey home. Going home was always the worst part of a day out, thought Karen. Yes, she wanted her tea. Yes, it was getting a little dark. But she liked the city and she liked the bustle and she liked the noise and all the things to see. Most of all she liked looking in the shop windows and looking at the street performers and looking at the tall buildings and what people were wearing. She liked looking at all of that. That was why she had stopped to look back at Buckingham Palace, and as they walked around Parliament Square she was looking up and down at everything, taking it all in as if she would never see it again. London was a feast for her eyes. She looked at the abbey, and she looked at the statues and she looked at a crowd of people carrying placards and protesting about something. But she also looked at the cars. Karen was sensible enough not to want to be run over when crossing the road. If she got hit by a car, that would really get Dad angry.

The three of them went into the tube station, all holding hands with James in the middle. Dad asked if Karen had her ticket; without delay, she pulled it out and showed him. That made Dad smile. Karen smiled back. Through the barriers they went, and then down, down the escalators. Karen was in front, whilst Dad and James stood on the step behind. It was very quiet. Unusually for a London tube station, there was nobody else around. Karen had already thought that very thought, but then Dad said it out loud. Karen just nodded her head in silent agreement. She was feeling a little tired and not very talkative, unlike James who seemed intent on jabbering away to Dad, though Karen was not listening to what he said. As they reached the bottom of the escalator, Karen saw the tube train was waiting on the platform. Zip! She ran a few strides, then leaned back on her heel and gracefully wheeled across the platform. “Karen!” said Dad, but she did not look back. Reaching the platform’s edge, Karen artfully hopped across, landing inside the train, once more with her weight balanced on the wheel in her heel. She span around, looking back at Dad and James. James had dropped his toy figure again. Dad was picking it up and looking grumpily at Karen, his hand still wrapped round James’. Dad pulled James across the platform, almost picking James off the ground. “Hurry up, Dad!” exclaimed Karen. He and James were hurrying up, but not before the doors closed between Karen and them. Never could doors close at a worse moment. Had they been open a second later, Dad and James would have been safely inside. Instead, Dad shouted through the glass: “Don’t worry! We’ll see you at the next station!” And with that, the tube pulled away, leaving Karen looking back as Dad and James disappeared from view.

There being nobody else in the carriage, Karen sat down. Though upset to be separated, she was relaxed enough to decide there was no point standing, even for the few minutes until the tube pulled into the next station. It was an old carriage. Karen thought they normally had modern trains on the Jubilee line, but she was too distracted to give it any further thought. The seats looked dirty and dilapidated. Instead of running along the sides of the carriage, facing inward, the seats were arranged two-by-two, facing each other, on either side of a central aisle. Karen always liked to sit facing the direction she was going in, so she did, extravagantly sprawling across a couple of seats at once. She had calmly resolved to follow her father’s advice, to get off at the next stop and wait for her father and brother to come to her. Dad was pretty sure to follow and if she waited on the platform she hoped she would see him as the next tube pulled in. If that failed, she might cross to the opposite platform and ride back to the previous station, but that held out the risk they might miss each other as they travelled in opposite directions. Then they would be in a real pickle, not knowing where the other was or what to do next. No, to get off and wait was the most sensible thing to do.

Karen looked out of the carriage window, though she did not know what she expected to see. There is nothing to see in a tunnel. Really, she looked at her own reflection. Dad said she was a big girl now. There was general agreement that she was tall for her age, and strangers often mistook her for being a year or two older than she really was. As she looked, a platform flashed by. The tube had not stopped. The platform had been deserted. Last time they went to London, Dad her told her stories about disused stations that still sat underground, hibernating like the groundhog from that really good movie they had on DVD. Still, it was annoying. Why was the station closed? Now Karen would have to wait until the next one before she got off. She started to get a little impatient.

A tremor ran through the carriage. Then another. Karen realized that they had begun imperceptibly, dismissed as that subconsciously soothing rock-a-bye of any train journey. Now the tremors were impossible to ignore, becoming more intense and frequent until they melded into continuous reverberation. Karen could feel the very hum of the vibrations through her backside. She instinctively placed her hands flat on the seat either side of her, giving herself more support. The vibration became a shake, and the shake became a wave, rolling the carriage from side to side, each swing more extreme than the one before. Karen reached with her arms behind the back of her bench, her hands grasping at it, trying to get a firm hold of something so she could steady herself. She hunched down, pressing herself into the seat. Karen looked around, but still there was nothing to see, just the carriage, the blackness of the tunnel surrounding it and the line of carriages in front, twisting off into the space ahead. Karen saw the carriages tilt, first to the left, then to the right, then back to the left again, rhythmically swaying in time with each other. With a jolt, they all straightened up on the flat again. The train was speeding straight forward, like an arrow down the darkness. Karen could feel the train accelerating. The force pushed her backwards. The old springs of the bench pressed underneath her shoulder blades. Karen pulled her arms around, and grabbed at the frame of the window but it was smooth and there was nothing to get a hold on. Faster and faster the train went. Then the train leant backward, as it started to climb uphill. Karen thought it must be rising up to ground level. Further backward it went, and Karen could feel the weight of her body shifting. Her feet no longer pressed against the floor; her calves were lying on the base of the bench instead. Karen was lying further and further back, as the train kept pointing further upward. Why were they not above ground? What kind of tunnel was this? Karen struggled to stop her neck from arching backwards; without support, her head was being pulled down by its own weight and the ever increasing speed of the train. She was now lying on her back with her arms splayed to either side, across the bench. Her hat fell off, falling down towards the rear of the carraige. Karen bent sideways, twisting her neck so her head was resting on the seat, and she lifted her forearm to her forehead, as if to protect her face should anything fall towards it. The train kept on climbing straight upwards, and upwards, and upwards. And then it suddenly stopped. It absolutely stopped, as if in mid air, and Karen felt herself rise upwards, weightless like an astronaut, and then slump back down on top of the bench, which she grabbed again with white-knuckled fists. Her legs dangled over the side. There the train waited, peculiarly, impossibly, suspended. And then it slid back. First slowly, but getting faster as it went along, Karen thought she could not hold on but as she felt she would lose her grip, the train whirled and sharply levelled, so Karen was once again sitting on her backside instead of lying on her back. The train was going backwards but did not remain level; it was starting to climb again, this time up a gentle incline, with Karen facing away from the direction of motion. It slowed, and then it paused, before moving forward once more. It accelerated and whilst it was not as fast as before, the train still went much too fast, thought Karen. Last time Karen had been in London, the tube drivers had been on strike because of a dispute about safety; she thought they had good cause, if this journey was anything to go by.

Within the black void, Karen could feel how steeply the train sped downhill. For the first time, Karen thought about her Dad and brother. If only she had walked with them, instead of racing ahead, she would not be on this rollercoaster of a tube ride, or at least would not be suffering it alone. Karen did not get travel sick, but even her steady stomach had been flung upside down by the freewheeling frenzy, and she became quite concerned that its contents might turn inside out. Downhill the tube train kept going, to what Karen supposed was some unimaginable depth, though she had no idea how far they had climbed during the earlier ascent. Downhill the train went, and there was another tremor, and another, and another, much as before. Then the train wobbled. Then it bobbled. Then it stuttered, and juddered, then shuddered. The rattling of the train was loud in the tunnel, and seemed to be all around her. The train was going even faster, and Karen was just wondering what would happen next, when, before the thought was completed, the whole carriage spiralled around, corkscrewing into the void, with Karen held in place only by her surprise and the sheer speed at which the carriage rotated, held in place like a sock in a tumble dryer. Two, three, four times, Karen counted each full circle between the point when her head was directly above her feet, to her feet directly above her head, and back to head above feet, as it should be. During the fourth spin, the train banked sharply up and to the left, the start of a somersault into a full loop-de-loop, before it once again returned to a straight and level trajectory. “Enough!” shouted Karen above the racket. And as she said it, the train seemed to ease, and made the gentlest of murmurs like it was giving out a sigh. And the tunnel did not seem so black, and the vibrations stopped, and it was like the train was gliding, coasting without the slightest hint of friction, silently, serenely, peacefully, gently. The tunnel became lighter still and Karen pressed her head to the glass, to see as far ahead as she could. The train was coming out into a wide, brightly lit space, and as it did, it ghosted to a standstill. For a moment, Karen sat still, just listening to herself breathe. Her head was still leant against the window, but she looked at her hands, and her feet, almost like she intended to count her fingers and toes to make sure they were all still attached.

Karen sat for a while, in no hurry to get up. She just breathed, and rested. Then a scary thought entered Karen’s mind. What if the train would start up again? She sat up, then looked around quickly. Where was her hat? Up she stood, and to the back of the carriage she hurried, searching for the lost hat. It was not on the floor, nor on the seats. She looked up, and it was caught on the handle of the emergency exit door that separated this carriage from the one behind. She popped the hat back on her head and briskly leapt out of the train, wary in case the doors closed again. Karen breathed out, relieved to be standing on an immobile floor. She gazed about her. The ceiling was unusually high for a tube platform, but otherwise there was nothing out of the ordinary, except that this could obviously be no ordinary tube station. Karen scanned for something to tell her which station this was. On a red tin plate sign, shaped like a square over two parallel lines, there were bold white letters: “Lundern Central”. Karen read the name aloud. Indeed. And then she said: “I’m not on the Jubilee line any more,” and she was right.

To Your House

0

An unfinished housewarming gift.

The car was loaded and my bags contained
a bottle of champagne, by then
turned vintage or vinegar; long it was saved for a
future occasion, unknown before, but
come close, overdue.

I conceived of a toast to your new house,
and another to you and your daughters.
The fruit never falls far from the tree.
They grow straight and true,
make you proud.

Turning the key and starting the engine,
the radio hails me with
Rachmaninov’s Piano Concerto no. 2,
as if its transistors knew you to
be my destination.

The mobile phone awakens.
There is a message from you, about
soldiering on through a very bad cough.
We should forgo eating out to keep you warm
in your house.

The champagne no longer seems so appropriate.
Chilled fizz not ideal for respiratory disorder.
Perhaps a poem might serve as congratulatory substitute,
so I wrote this, in stages,
on the way.

I imagined this poem as a latter-day Rape of the Lock,
a story of fantastic spirits surrounding you.
That proved too elusive, so I dwelled on your house,
what a house must be like to be
considered your home.

In your house, the topsy-turvy dolls do cartwheels
over and over. Pin cushions grow
legs and snouts, becoming mobile and porcupine,
when no-one is looking. I should be
careful when sitting.

It was raining, I was hungry.
I stopped for a rest at the town where we grew,
then shopped for a celebratory offering,
down those renewed arcades where we walked
and had sheltered.

I searched for Rachmaninov,
but the first shop was vacant
and the goth club was gone without trace.
You used to go there and I think
I did once.

Jumbo Records had persisted, with the
very same sign still calling to gig attendees.
They had no Rachmaninov, nor did HMV,
so I bought Brief Encounter
on DVD instead.

Regarding your ailment, I surmised that some port
was the best choice to loosen and comfort.
Combined it with stilton, and chocolate truffles,
and a fresh bottle of bubbly in case
you miraculously mended.

Queuing at M&S, the lady ahead rued
that the £10 champagne had sold out.
I was surprised I had forgot that strangers will
amiably converse in the world
of our origin.

To the Corn Exchange I circled, which had
turned source of nick nacks and bric-a-brac.
There I bought a basket to carry your domestic votives.
You were sure to like it because it was old
and still useful.

I never finished this poem, first feeling it rotten,
but after my visit, whilst on a train to a plane to
very far away, I looked more fondly upon it,
so did my best to rework
and restore it.

I coughed a lot on that train.
Maybe something you shared.
Though unwelcome, at least I speculated I was
smuggling away something in me that had once
been in you.

Despite what they say, it is a great big world.
If lost, you might never be found.
Though I mislay myself from time to time,
next time, I will know the way
to your house.

Being November, it was night and felt late
when I finally arrived at yours.
Though the house was empty, eyes open but dark,
I conceived of it being
filled with you.

When you got home, you tended your daughters,
and scolded me for not reading your blog.
We talked and I persuaded you to imbibe some port,
whilst you sewed with
your busy hands.

The next day, you bristled at the implication
that you might not know of AC Grayling.
You cake-baked and showed me the card you made for your mum
using a technique that was a
forebear of photography.

We went hunting for your mother’s birthday bestowal.
Returning victorious, I pushed your littlest’s buggy uphill
until we got to a shop where you retrieved a chair you
left there five years ago, making me
carry it home.

The pleasure of being within your house
was prematurely spoiled by knowing I would not stay longer.
I consoled myself that I would be back and this poem,
interrupted the meanwhile, cannot
end before then.