The Secret Diary of a Russian Mole

March 14, 2006

Hooray for mother Russia! Hooray for my new home in the corrupt and materialistic US of A! What a glorious day; the first day of my new diary and the first day in my new hometown of Baltimore. Ball-ti-more: I love the sound of that name even though it reminds me that Americans always want more with their fancy big SUV cars and their wide elasticated trousers necessary for the eating of the Such-A-Big Mac with the supersized soda. According to our training, Baltimore is near Washington D.C. and not so far from New York, which means I can both do the spying of the American government in the capital and in the Big Apple I can spy on the corrupt Wall Street and also even the United Nations. I very much like my condo, which has the 2,500 square foot and was paid for by the SVR in cash – not credit cards or subprime loans like these degenerate Americans pay with. Thank you my hardworking Russian brothers – I will strive to repay you with the value of my intelligence many times. My condo has all the benefits of modern American life, like the hot running water and also the cold running water. But I need to buy some furniture. The SVR said they will send me money for that shortly. I will be assimilating into the American lifestyle so seamlessly that nobody will suspect I am undercover Russian agent, so tomorrow I will be looking for the place to buy the mom’s apple pie, as my own mother is very far away, in Vladivostock. I am hoping also I will one day get the chance to meet my favorite Hollywood actor, the incomparable Thin Diesel though to my eyes he is not thin but rather the muscular well-built type of man. That reminds me I must join the gymnasium and not just work out but also make the useful contacts there with the towel horseplay whilst in the locker room.

March 15, 2006

I actually found a store called “Mom’s Apple Pie” but when I asked to speak to the mom they looked at me very strange like I don’t know the rear of a horse from its mouth. Then I went to the drug store, expecting to see some degenerate crack heroin dealers, but instead they just sold painkillers and cigarettes and other health products. Whilst I was there, I bought 20 menthol Kools like I know that Thin Diesel smokes. On my way home, I visited my dead letter box. Sadly, there was no money for furniture though I have plenty enough cash to keep me going for a while so long as I am happy with the air mattress on the floor, which is good enough for me but not so good for my cover as no internet entrepreneur can be sleeping on the air mattress. In the dead letter box there was an orientation DVD for my new town. It is called The Wire, seasons one, two and three. I have ordered the pizza to be delivered to quickly help establish myself as a regular ordinary joe to the people who work at the Domino’s and when it arrives I shall sit down and watch my training video using the new Xbox 360 which I bought so I can better understand the lazy decadent sofa potato American lifestyle. For the desert I ordered the Haagen Daz ice cream from the Domino’s to with the remaining slice of the apple pie I bought. The pie is v.v. tasty. There goes the doorbell – that must be my pizza!

March 16, 2006

This The Wire had me very troubled. My word, the SVR have sent me to a dangerous town with the drug dealers, crack hoes and the Stevie Nicks at the city port. I realize now my comrade agents did better with going to Arlingtown and other nicer suburbs. In The Wire the English was so bad I had to watch with the subtitles on to make any kind of sense of what half the people are saying. So bad must be the schools in this country, it makes me wonder how the Americans cannot be learning the English even. They only learn one language and yet even that is too hard for them! This is most unlike my glorious Russia where every child is guaranteed a chance to become a fine engineer making the gas pipelines or a great chess grand champion or the good-looking lady tennis player or the scientist in outer space. Though also it is true the American children sometimes grow up to go into the outer space. And Serene Williams wins a lot of the tennis but what man would want this woman? The poor American men to be faced with so much of the booty, as they call it, on Serene Williams especially but also on many other of these American women. If I was to be with Serene Williams, I would be afraid this woman would sit on me and suffocate me or else would be too eager and would pull my arms out of their sockets during the love-making like the Chewbacca in the Star Wars. No, I much prefer the Russian beautiful women like Kournikova and Sharapova. Yes, these are the women for me though I must forget the Russian women and think of getting myself the American girlfriend, maybe even like Serene Williams if that is what it takes to get the good intelligence. I must lie back and think of mother Russia and not forget my SVR sex training though I was wondering I must have been in the wrong class as I think that the sexual entrapment is better for the blonde long-legged women than it is for the hairy shorter man like me. And I must not forget, that I should go to the National Air and Space museum when I visit to Washington D.C. the first time. They have the rockets there and the spy planes too. Tonight I shall watch Thin Diesel in the Chronicles of Riddick DVD. If they remake the Star Wars, he should be playing Han Solo I think.

March 17, 2006

I saw Thin Diesel even smokes the menthol Kools in the Chronicles of Riddick though this film is made very far in the future. This made me think that the film is really much of a lie about American business. How can this be, that the Kools cigarettes, though very good, should still be sold many thousands of years from now, on planets so far away from here? It makes no sense at all. In the future, all cigarettes will be Russian, I am sure of it. Though I cannot blame the Thin Diesel who despatched his enemies and should be employed to clear up the Hamsterdam in The Wire. Tomorrow I shall go to this Hamsterdam as I have bought a new American car, the Jeep Grand Cherokee, though I understand this is only mid-size and I wanted a big car to fit in inconspicuously with the ‘more, more’ Americans. I could not afford bigger with the allowance that the SVR give me and it is only second hand though it is the limited edition with the leather seats and keyless entry. It is black which is funny as I think the previous owner was black too, not that I am the racist but in this backward country they will never have the female or black leader like we inevitably do in the mother Russia.

March 18, 2006

I shall not mention it to my SVR handlers, but I had what the Americans call the fender-bender in my new Jeep Grand Cherokee. I paid off the man I hit with some few thousand dollars to keep his mouth closed and not tell the cops. He was very upset – it may be because he was standing on the sidewalk at the time I hit him. It is true what they say that these stupid SUVs are dangerous as well as bad for the planet. Only a decadent American would buy one so they can drive on their own and have the big cup holder for the skinny latte.

March 22, 2006

A week has gone by and still the SVR has not sent me the promised money for the furniture in my condo. I do not think the air mattress is very good for my back. My momma told me not to join the SVR spy agency but I did not listen to her, and at times like this I have some sympathy for her misinformed ways in badly the need of the re-education. The SVR have been very good to me and if it takes them another week or two I will gladly suffer the air mattress though also they must send me the money to set up my internet business. I was thinking that perhaps I would do something that I know these horny degenerate American men will like – a bridal service with our fine Russian women. They not only play tennis but make the excellent housewife as well as being equally the match of men in every job and every aspect of society, as all our Russian Premiers have long agreed. I have uploaded the proposal in the photos I took and shared on the Flicker. The proposal is encoded in a photograph I took on the day I went to visiting the Hamsterdam. I was looking for the hamsters, but there were none. Later, I saw the pet shop and stopped and took my photograph with hamster. It is in this photograph I will encode the proposal to run the online Russian wedding bureau service as my cover and then put it on internet where my handlers can download and decode it. I did think about buying the hamster but this is not butch enough for the alpha testosterone American male, so I bought some exotic fish instead. I would have bought the big dog but I thought it would be inconvenient for when I need to go spying.

April 6, 2006

The SVR has finally sent me more money so I can buy furniture and set up the front organization. But they said no to the Russian online bridal service. They said they made already plenty of these online bridal companies before and all that happens is the Russian women get married and then they never hear from the women again instead of getting the sexy pillow talk secrets. That was not the point but it is too difficult to explain to them that I just want to sell the women and not keep the secrets because I will get the secrets with my own training. So now I must do something else. I will set up a business offering the online real estate instead.

April 21, 2006

I think I now know my way around Baltimore. I know the MacDonald’s and the Domino’s and I have signed up with the gym and know the good dry cleaners and have used the bus though that was a little scary when some people who looked like they were from Hamsterdam in The Wire came and sat next to me. The guys at the gym are not very friendly and tend to avoid me when I make the guy talk in the locker room. Perhaps I shall not make such good contacts there after all. I told one guy he had the good muscles like Thin Diesel but he did not even speak back. Maybe he thinks I am the homosexual like they have all over the degenerate USA, unlike Russia where we hardly ever have any of these men who like other men, although we are also completely liberated and a homosexual man is just as free to be leader of our country, unlike this prejudiced and backwards USA.

May 15, 2006

I visited Washington D.C. for the first time, under the cover of making a business trip to obtain some venture capital for my internet start-up. Nobody asked me where I was going or where I was from or why I was there, but my cover story was prepared anyway. I managed to secure myself the very useful tour of the White House where President Dub-ya Bush lives. Even the President of this country needs subtitles so you can understand what he speaks. I secretly filmed the visit though the shooting of the video was often interrupted by the tourists getting in the way and generally being so supersized. Then I went to the National Air and Space Museum and saw the very impressive rockets and spy planes and other military hardwire. I will not report it all to my handler as I am sure he knows about these already but it was good intelligence for me and helps me to understand what the American can achieve if they put their mind to work as much as they need to work their big fat booty. In the evening I went to the quite fancy restaurant but I was worried when the snooty waiter recommended I eat the Chicken Kiev. Stupid American – Kiev is in the Ukraine, not Russia. But I think maybe I worry too much as my American accent is very good and I make use of many American phrases like to make the homer simpson run, shake ya tail feather and bent out of the shape. Then to prove to the waiter I am an ordinary joe I ordered the Beef Stroganov.

August 11, 2006

The SVR has started the demanding of receipts for my expenses. I sent them a Flicker photo of my exotic fish saying that the running of the internet start-up for the real estate is expensive as is the gas for my SUV and my expenses in traveling backwards and forwards to Washington D.C. but I do not think they will listen. Mamma, before they re-educated you, you sometimes were right but I did not say so in case I encouraged your insurrection talk. Now I wish I could be more like the Thin Diesel Triple-X who snowboards down the avalanche to be the spy, but I do not see how this will help me find out anything of useful, not that they let me buy snowboard now despite my taking lessons to fit in with the people and make some useful contacts. Actually, the fitting in with the eating fat food in this country is making me feel overweight. I need more exercise but I am not going back to that gym since there was another confusion with the man in the locker room with the big muscles who thinks I am hitting on him.

October 3, 2006

Dear Diary, forgive that I neglected you this last week. I drove up to New York but left you behind. They call New York the Big Apple and I can see why because it the materialistic corrupt American society is rotten and riddled with worms right through to the core. To give example, the Statue of Liberty does not welcome the huddled masses but was closed. There was no wall on Wall Street and no village in East Village. However, I did see the musical Rent and learned more about the inevitable consequences of America’s self-gratifying decadence and its inevitable consequences.

April 7, 2007

As the Americans say, the time sure flies! It is over a year since I came to America and I have infiltrated every layer of society. I have been to the baseball games and eaten the hot dog and the corn dog and the chilli dog. Sadly, my weight loss program is not going well and I look less like Thin Diesel and more like Fat Diesel every day. Being an internet entrepreneur I do not have many opportunities to meet possible contacts face-to-face, but I do meet them at the face-to-book, which is a very useful network for the spy who also likes to talk about the important cultural issues. My Facebook friend Pedro says that Thin Diesel is no longer ‘in’ and that his movies suck and he should never get a part if they remade the Star Wars. Perhaps he is right but I still think David Hasselhoff would be perfect for the role of Obi-Wan Kenobi.

July 7, 2007

These iPhones are brilliant devices. You can use them to record messages, take film, take pictures, and send all sorts of data over the web. I was showing one to my buddies down at the golf club. It is a shame that there is nothing really practical I can think to use it for, but it makes for a great toy to impress my pals. My interior designer friend came around and said he did not much like my drapes and that they were badly out of fashion. Sadly, I do not think I will get money for new drapes though I try to explain to my handler that all Americans redesign their apartment at least once a year. At least, this is what my interior designer friend says.

November 20, 2007

My handler will be so pleased with me today! I got some really great intelligence that will surely be more than worth the time I have spent to get this deep undercover into American society. Pedro introduced me to an internet friend of his that likes to remain anonymous, and he only ever calls himself the ‘grassy knoll-man’ which is some kind of reference to the events in 1963 when Our ‘Enry Cooper knocked Muhammed Ali out cold though the evidence has almost all been covered up since. Grassy knoll-man says the Dubya Bush deliberately was in league with the Saudis over the Florida recounts. His arguments were pretty long and hard to follow, but I summarized it and wrote it up in my notebook, which I left in the dead letter box.

November 21, 2007

Someone brushed past me on my way out of Wal-Mart today. When I got home, there was a note in my jacket pocket. It read in Russian: “no more of the stupid internet conspiracy stories, please”.

June 11, 2008

It was disappointing that we never succeeded with the IPO of the internet real estate business, but today we finally closed the deal and sold it to Facebook for an undisclosed sum. An undisclosed sum of two million dollars! That is not bad, since the only sales that were made on the site were from comrade SVR agents, looking for somewhere with a bit more room for the kids or a pool in the backyard.

June 12, 2008

My SVR handler has demanded I pay over all money I made from selling my internet real estate business. He said I am not in US to play at being businessman and that I have cost the Russian state far more than two million dollars with all the internet advertising I bought for my phony company. Mamma, you were right. What little gratitude I get for my long years of suffering and hard work infiltrating the materialistic and mechanical American society, which is v.v. like the Tin Man in the Wizard of Oz, except it has a rusted, broken heart.

August 28, 2008

A man at the Wal-Mart asked me: “do the pelicans fly south for the winter?” I responded, as I was trained to, with the response phrase “no, but the burritos taste like tostadas if you use enough tabasco.” Then he looked at me like I was completely mad. It turns out that it was not I that was mad, he was the man who was completely mad, and not a good comrade like I first thought. It was very lucky for me that he was mad. If he had not been so mad, he might have blown my cover. Instead, he went back to searching for food in the trash, like the typical poor ordinary working American this country turned its back on. I was so upset. All I could think to do was to go home and plan a whole new look for my apartment to get my mind off it. Then I ordered Chinese to be delivered. Tomorrow I can look forward to the release of Thin Diesel’s new film, Babylon A.D.

August 29, 2008

I drove to the multiplex and saw Thin Diesel in his new movie, Babylon A.D. which was very disappointing. He looks no more muscly and, more important, the film shows the Russia of the future as full of mobsters, whilst New York is safe and nice. I think Diesel must have been completely corrupted by the materialistic society that surrounds him in un-holy-wood. The only good thing was that there was a deal where you get an extra large popcorn and soda free when you ordered tortillas.

November 27, 2008

Congratulations are in order to President-elect Obama, and congratulations are in order to me. I found out that Obama was the original owner of my worn out old Jeep Grand Cherokee. Now I can auction it for a profit, but I will be sure not to let those cheapskates at the SVR find out about the money I make. I have made so many sacrifices in the name of the mother country. I even put on weight like Robert The Nero did when playing the title role in The Rage in Bill. For me, putting on weight to look more American is the proof of my dedication to mother Russia, but my handler says I am a fat lard-ass that needs to shape up. Forget him. I shall celebrate by ordering some take out and treating myself to a new pair of pants tomorrow.

February 14, 2009

Momma, what sacrifices I have made for my homeland. This country is no good for meeting women and it is so expensive to take these American women on dates. They eat so much! They expect me to be muscly! The internet dating is not going well. In Russia I would be surrounded by wonderful blond tennis-playing graduates. But in this country I am too poor to attract the good-looking women. Momma, I wish I had listened to you… you were right that the SVR are no good as employers and I will regret working for them. I shall show them the power of intelligence. When I am finished in this country, I will bury this diary where nobody will find it. That will show them there are some secrets they will never never never uncover.

February 15, 2009

It seems the SVR have been monitoring me with a hidden camera in my pen. They have been reading my diary entries all these years. Forgive me brother SVR comrades, for my rash words. You are truly heroes of the Russian Republic and without… wait… (scribble)… is my pen running out? I think it must…

February 16, 2009

I drove out of state and bought the cheapest pencil I could find. Now let the SVR try to spy on my secret diary. For all the complaining they do that I do not spy enough, you would think they would spy on somebody other than me. But I should have been smarter. I should have written this diary in invisible ink. Of course, writing in invisible ink is so hard. I mean, you cannot see what you are writing, which makes the writing very scribbly and difficult to read afterwards.

August 12, 2009

There was something of a breakthrough today. One of the guys at the golf club knows a guy who knows a guy who is assistant secretary of defense. There will be rendezvous – he will make up a fourth for our game next week.

August 19, 2009

It turns out the guy was the assistant secretary of defense for health affairs. I wanted to know about gulf war syndrome but he would only talk about ingrown toenails and the alarming prevalence of genital herpes amongst American troops. Still, I will report this information to base, as it may be useful.

June 26, 2010

I could not believe it. Four years I am deep undercover and as I close in a breakthrough, my handler tells me to come home. My American girlfriend’s niece is friends with the brother of the weekend sous chef at the White House. This is my big chance. At last I can find out how Obama likes his eggs, and much more besides. But my handler says I have had my chance and the rotten SVR will not pay my bills for elasticated trousers and Thin Diesel DVDs any more. I am so deep undercover that nobody would ever know I even came from Russia, never mind that I am working to reveal the truth that lies hidden under the USA’s rotten underbelly. But I am not going to go home. I will show them…

June 27, 2010

Dear Diary, I am going to change my identity once again, and nobody will ever know that I, Mikhail Rostov, who once changed his name to Bobby Darren, was not only a deep undercover agent, but that I subsequently went on the run from the SVR and changed my name again, to Darren Roberts. I have dug up the stash of cash I kept back from selling the real estate company and have my fake passports too, just in case. All the techno gizmos and shortwave radios, I will leave them behind. But wait, who is this coming up the driveway? Men in suits and dark glasses, carrying guns. Would you believe my luck?!? They must have found out I understated the earnings on my tax return…

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