Working for Area 53

Area 51 is a secret military base in Nevada, where some say US Government scientists study the remnants of flying saucers that have fallen to earth. Area 53 is another secret military base, where different scientists turn what was learned at Area 51 into useful consumer products. In a surprise move, President Obama recently ordered the declassification of all Area 53 files over forty years old. For the first time, the ordinary public has the chance to find out how alien technology has been used to make our world a better place. What follows is the transcript of a conversation recorded in 1969 between two Area 53 scientists whilst working in their laboratory. Only the names of the scientists have been changed to protect their families.

Dr. X: I have been thinking… I have been looking at the system the aliens used to operate their flying saucer. Perhaps we can turn that into something marketable.

Prof. Z: The ship’s operating system? How can we make money from that? It was no good – the ship crashed.

Dr. X: We’re looking at it the wrong way. It’s good that the alien saucer crashed. The more the first version crashes, the more people will have to buy the later versions, meaning we make more money in the long run.

Prof. Z: But what’s the system going to be used to operate?

Dr. X: I think I have it. A super-duper telephone.

Prof. Z: I can’t see the need for that. Are people likely to become super-duper talkers?

Dr. X: A record player – or a portable jukebox of some description.

Prof. Z: Ditto. Just get out your LP and stick the needle on – no need for anything fancy. And if you want music on the move, just whistle to yourself. That’s what I do. [Whistles]

Dr. X: Games.

Prof. Z: You mean like backgammon? Chess? Poker? Don’t you need another person to play those games?

Dr. X: The machine can be the opponent. The research suggests the aliens were playing a game called ‘pong’ when their ship crashed.

Prof. Z: Playing against a machine? That sounds like no fun at all. And perhaps those aliens should have been looking out of the window instead of playing games.

Dr. X: Apparently not. The ship slowed right down if the pilot opened too many windows.

Prof. Z: I’m not convinced. Let the lab monkey look into productizing the operating system. Maybe he can do something with it.

Dr. X: You should stop calling Gates a monkey. He’s a chimpanzee.

Prof. Z: I’m not sure what he is since we gave him that alien brain serum. I admit Gates is a lot smarter, but he’s changed in other ways too. First he monopolized all the bananas, then he started giving them away to show the other apes how generous he is. Dumb animals that they are, I think they’ve fallen for it.

Dr. X: Next you will be making dire predictions about Gates taking over the world.

Prof. Z: Which is why we should’ve put more effort into weapons development, just in case that cheeky monkey does try to take over the world with his chemically-enhanced brain. Plus there’s always money in weapons.

Dr. X: If you want to make weapons, go work in Area 52. Like I said when you first joined, Area 52 for bombs with a bigger bang, Area 53 for non-stick frying pans.

Prof. Z: Granted. That saucer’s heat resistant skin sure made for convenient kitchen utensils. But it’s been a while since we last came up with a sure-fire winner. If we don’t find another hit soon, they’ll close down Area 53 and we’ll all be working at Area 52 – whether we like it or not.

Dr. X: You are right.

Prof. Z: I say we should revisit the alien’s use of silicon.

Dr. X: You mean making smaller, micro-sized, computer chips?

Prof. Z: No, I’m not talking about making things smaller. I’m talking about making things larger. Breast enhancements. Now that’s one technology with lasting sales potential.