Merry Christmas from the National Rifle Association

December 22, 2012 Eric Priezkalns comedy, Stories & Skits, Writing 1

ANNOUNCER: We interrupt this Christmas to bring you an important message from the National Rifle Association. Let’s go straight to the press conference at the NRA’s headquarters…

COLONEL MUSTARD KEENE, PRESIDENT, NRA: Hello. I’m Colonel Mustard Keene, President of the National Rifle Association of America.

A few days ago we invited you here to begin our discussion of a topic that’s been on the mind of parents across the land, and that is, what do we do about the tragedies of the sort that struck in Newtown, Connecticut? Today, we’ve invited you back to do some more discussing, where we at the NRA will be listening as well as talking, though once again we won’t be taking any questions. Following our last press conference, we received some unfair criticism that the NRA had been too slow to begin the discussion. Some pointed out that there had, in fact, been plenty of discussion before the NRA started to discuss anything. We respond to that criticism by observing that the discussion that started before we started our discussion must have been a premature discussion, because, as we know, you cannot have a real discussion if only one side is doing the discussing. But the NRA are listening, as I already said, and we’ve decided to be the first to discuss today’s extraordinary events at the North Pole.

AUDIENCE: (gasps) North Pole! (inaudible) what the heck (inaudible)

COLONEL MUSTARD KEENE: This morning we found out about another dirty truth that the media will do their utmost to conceal. Though it has not yet been broadcast on any mainstream media network – apart from Fox – we want to be first to respond to the events of this very morning, when Santa Claus successfully defended his workshop at the North Pole from attack by an unknown individual. The attacker was heavily armed, and whilst we do not have the full details, some may wrongly rush to describe the attacker as a member or supporter of the NRA. We do not know that for certain. All that we know is what we have learned by watching a video taken by Mrs. Claus using her iPhone. This video was briefly visible on YouTube before it was removed for potentially infringing the copyright of Warner Brothers and their upcoming Vince Vaughn slasher-flick, ‘Freddy Claus Goes Psycho’. Before it was taken down, we had our best people scrutinize Mrs. Claus’ video, and they’ve been able to determine that the attacker was wearing the following:

Apart from this, we have no idea if the attacker felt any allegiance to the NRA, and we believe it would be wrong for media and politicians to rush to judge, until we have all the facts. What we should instead focus on is the good news that the attacker was driven off by Santa Claus, with reportedly only a minimal loss of life – somewhere between five and seven of Santa’s magical little helpers were sadly killed. We also understand that Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer was injured. Rudolph has been airlifted to hospital where he is said to be in a stable condition. As a consequence, there is a possibility that Santa will need to call off or postpone his Christmas delivery run.

AUDIENCE: (inaudible) …call it off, what the f… (inaudible)

COLONEL MUSTARD KEENE: Please, please… just hear me out. Our immediate reaction was to ask what we could do to help keep Christmas on track. We have been in touch with the North Pole, volunteering our every assistance at this difficult time. If Santa agrees, we will deploy a corps of 1000 NRA volunteers to make deliveries on Santa’s behalf, all across the North American continent. In fact, our volunteers are being trained as substitute Santas even as we speak, in case they are called upon. They are also being fitted out with the NRA’s very own customized Santa suits, boasting superior tactical properties. To start with, the suits use absolutely no Velcro, and we believe they are the quietest Santa suits ever, ideal for sneaking down chimneys without waking the little ones. They are also kitted with multiple concealed carry compartments and front slash pockets with a notch for knife clips, and they are made from a 65/35 polyester/cotton rip-stop fabric treated with IntelliDry technology that repels exterior moisture and resists stubborn stains like cranberry, mulled wine, or blood. Also it helps that the suit is colored red. Unfortunately the NRA santa suit will not be ready for sale to the general public this Christmas, but we’re expecting it will be very popular next year.

In addition to offering our assistance with Santa’s deliveries, we’ve been thinking about how to protect Santa in future. With that in mind, I’d like to introduce Wayne LaTrine, our executive vice president, who will share our thinking with you.

Thank you again for being with us.

And at the end of this conference we will not be taking questions, but next week we will be available to any of you who are interested in talking about these or other issues of interest. So contact us then, please, when some of the fuss will have died down and we won’t look so bad.

Thank you very much.

Wayne?

WAYNE LATRINE, EXECUTIVE VICE PRESIDENT, NRA: The National Rife Association’s four million mothers, fathers, sons and daughters, join the world in horror, outrage, grief and earnest prayer for the families of Santa’s slain little helpers, if the magical little helpers have families, which is unclear at this time.

What happened at the North Pole this morning was an unspeakable crime. Whilst some will try to exploit tragedy for political gain, we always remain respectfully silent, at least for the week in the immediate aftermath of events like this, when everybody is making a big hullabaloo and anything we say is going to be torn to pieces. After that, we will not be stopped from speaking up for our members, who carry with them the only real source of security in this world. Many of our members carry security with them every single day of their lives, carrying it not just for themselves but also on behalf of their fellow man, and with love in their hearts. Some of them sleep with security under their pillow, and a few even keep a tight hold of their security when they visit the restroom. And increasingly our members carry double or treble the security that they used to carry, possibly utilizing the multiple concealed carry options available with NRA-branded sportswear.

You may ask, why is the National Rifle Association of America speaking out about an attack at the North Pole? Well, we consider an attack on Santa to be an attack on all of us, and we stand shoulder to shoulder with Saint Nick at this time. Also, the North Pole is in international territory, not the sovereign land of any nation, so we feel compelled to fill the void, and to step up and defend the rights of gun enthusiasts living to the very far North of Alaska. Like failed Presidential candidate Newt Gingrich said at our convention this year, the United Nations should extend the human right to carry guns to every person on the planet, whether they are American, Afghan, Nigerian, Palestinian, Mexican or whatever. Only by guaranteeing the rights of all individuals to carry guns can we guarantee the safety of every single person on the planet. We, in the NRA, will not stand by and let Santa’s safety be compromised merely to appease the voices of political correctness, whether they are in the US, the UN, or Lapland.

We must speak – for the safety of Santa, his family, his reindeer and his magical helpers, whether they be elves or dwarves or some previously unknown species of little people. We’re not entirely sure about whether Santa’s little helpers are a different species or whether someone’s put a spell on them or whatever, but we’ve got a team researching it right now. And we must speak to defend Christmas, a glorious global coming-together in peace and harmony. For all the noise and anger directed at the NRA, no one — nobody — is addressing the most important, pressing and immediate question we face: how do we deploy lots more guns to protect Santa and Christmas in the one way that we all know is going to work?

The only way to answer that question is to face up to the truth. Santa, and Christmas, has been politicized. Every year we see films on television, nativity scenes in our schools and churches, and – most comprehensive of all – mass-produced greetings cards that revel in Christmas joy and extol the virtues of brotherhood with our fellow man. And yet, not a single one of them depicts an armed security guard carrying a semi-automatic rifle. We are bombarded by a politicized and fictional version of peace, a blatant twisting of the truth by our media. We all know that the only reason that Joseph and the Virgin Mary did not carry concealed weapons to protect themselves on the road to Bethlehem is because the Chinese had monopolized production of gunpowder at that time. Thankfully, the lowering of trade barriers means that more and more people are free to enjoy the protection of guns made in the US or overseas, and to enjoy this protection at a very affordable price.

Have you ever seen a Christmas card depicting Saint Nick firing a Smith & Wesson 9mm handgun? Or a festive film where Santa’s sleigh is outfitted with an M134 gattling gun for air-to-air encounters and ground suppression? No, neither have I. So it should come as no surprise that Santa’s workshop is viewed by insane killers as a safe place where they can inflict maximum mayhem at minimal risk.

How have our priorities gotten so far out of order? Think about it. We care about our money, so we protect our banks with armed guards. Airports, office buildings, power plants, courthouses — even sports stadiums — are all protected by armed security.

We care about the President, so we protect him with armed Secret Service agents. Members of Congress work in offices surrounded by armed Capitol Police officers. Yet we do nothing to protect the most vulnerable and trusting members of our society. There are no armed guards surrounding Santa. He maintains a huge and valuable store of gifts at his workshop, but there is not one sniper, not a single watchtower to guard its perimeter.

The inadequate security at the North Pole is no different to the inadequate security we have grown used to in so many public places. Our churches are left utterly defenseless; neither priests nor nuns carry guns, although the NRA believes their robes are ideally suited to multiple concealment options. Ordinary citizens are denied permission to wear handguns whilst swimming with their kids at the local pool. Pizza delivery boys are expected to visit strange houses without first being issued with a .44 Magnum. And only a small minority of shopping mall Santas carry concealed handguns underneath their jolly red coats. Americans are not allowed to protect themselves with guns whilst flying on airplanes, and some of us are even expected to go on holiday to dangerous foreign countries without being allowed to take our guns with us! In a world where we routinely fail to implement armed protection, it is no wonder that an insane killer has now attacked the ultimate soft target – Santa’s workshop. In our society, Santa and other vulnerable targets are left utterly defenseless. That must change now!

The truth is that our society is populated by an unknown number of genuine monsters — people so deranged, so evil, so possessed by voices and driven by demons that no sane person can possibly ever comprehend them. The whole of society is full of these people, except for the NRA, because none of our members are like that. If given the chance, these sick non-NRA members would even kill Santa Claus, the most beloved man on the planet, whose approval ratings are in the high 90’s whilst President Obama’s approval rating languishes in the low 50’s.

The killers walk among us every day. And does anybody really believe that the next mass murderer isn’t planning his attack at this very moment? Today it was Santa’s grotto. Tomorrow it could be your home, or your gym, or your favorite Chinese restaurant, or the cemetery where they buried your great-uncle, who was a war hero. Maybe they’ll dig up your great-uncle’s corpse and shoot his dead body in the face, just for the fun of it, even though, during his lifetime, he evaded all the bullets fired at him by the Japs and the Nazis and the Italians.

Anywhere could come under heavy fire from one of the almost infinite number of insane monsters that rove our streets. But I tell you one place they won’t attack. They won’t attack here, the headquarters of the NRA. And you all know why – because we’d blast them to kingdom come, that’s why. And that’s why the NRA way is the only sure way to guarantee a peaceful Christmas and prosperous year ahead.

How many killers are out there now, planning to shoot you and your wife whilst you’re sleeping in your bed? Is it a dozen? A hundred? More? How can we possibly even guess how many, until they all try to do it? And yet, our nation refuses to create an active national database of the mentally ill. Politicians instead focus on bizarre and irrational programs designed to oppress decent folk, like demanding background checks on gun owners. I have even heard some politicians go so far as to suggest that people should be forced to get a mental check-up before being allowed to buy a gun, as if wanting to buy a gun is somehow evidence of being mentally ill. This is nothing but another attempt to impose tyranny. Gun owners are not the problem, and they should not be oppressed. The mentally ill are the problem, so let’s oppress them instead. And the fact is, oppressing the mentally ill wouldn’t even begin to address the much larger and more lethal criminal class: killers, robbers, rapists and drug gang members who have spread like cancer in every community in this country. All of them want to kill you and ruin your Christmas. All of them would gladly shoot Santa’s sleigh out of the sky, if it means that Santa is forced to crash-land and the robbers get to steal the presents that were meant for you.

But whilst we sympathize with Santa at this time, Santa must also carry his fair share of the responsibility for the attack that took place this morning. Who hands out the kind of violent video games that drive these insane killers to be so insanely killy? I can think of one man – St. Nicholas himself. My research department has obtained a summary of the most popular items on wishlists mailed to Santa, and it makes shocking reading. Even more shocking is the revelation that many violent games are approved and supplied by Santa, though he only gives them to the good girls and boys. What is Santa trying to achieve – this policy can only succeed in corrupting the good kids, whilst ignoring the real problem of the bad kids, who then just turn to crime and steal their own presents.

Let me just read a few titles of the violent games on Santa’s list: Assassin’s Creed; Hitman; Streetfighter 2; Call of Duty; Desert Strike; Halo; and Super Mario Kart. Santa also hands out DVDs and Bluerays of films and TV shows that portray gun murder in a casual way, as if everybody is shooting everyone else all of the time. On this list we see such examples as: Taxi Driver; CSI Miami; Die Hard; The Hurt Locker; Hill Street Blues; Skyfall; Iron Man 3; Saving Private Ryan; Bugsy Malone; and Raiders of the Lost Ark. And then Santa hands out music albums and music videos from artists that treat guns and murder as if they are a way of life. And Santa has the cheek to call this ‘entertainment’ or ‘an artistically valid representation of real life for far too many people today’. We call it something else. We call it ‘pornography’. And it’s not the good kind of pornography, the sexy kind of pornography where three men simultaneously penetrate a woman who moans with pleasure the whole way through. No, it’s the bad kind of pornography, the kind of pornography that makes gun lovers look like sick people who get a kick from the power of carrying a gun.

We need to fight the promotion of gun pornography, which is why we’re lobbying Santa to remove all gun porn from his approved present list, and to replace it with responsible media products, like our NRA magazines. And we’ll be dedicating new regular columns in our magazines and e-journals, providing our members with lists of the most violent films, games, records, and books, so our members can easily avoid them.

QUESTION: (inaudible) magazines (inaudible)

WAYNE LATRINE: We’re not taking any questions today. This is a discussion, not Q&A.

QUESTION: In which NRA magazines will we find the lists of films and games that glorify gun violence?

WAYNE LATRINE: I said we wouldn’t take questions, but as you ask, our blacklist of gun pornography is going to be promoted via Armed Citizen, our journal of heartwarming true stories about citizens who shot down their assailants, Freedom Times, our magazine about how the tyrannical government is crushing us and how gun-owning citizens can fight back, American Warrior, our tribute to our brave servicemen and women who risk their lives to go overseas and shoot down our country’s enemies, and Traditions Magazine, our quarterly magazine dedicated to teaching America’s youngsters how to shoot.

Now, to return to the subject, we have identified that Santa has made some other mistakes, potentially even more devastating than distributing gun pornography. He has also given away guns as toys, or, to be precise, toy guns. Yet, contrary to the advice given in Traditions Magazine, Santa is giving toy guns to kids without mandating that the kids participate in an NRA training program. We believe this encourages kids to play at shooting each other, establishing a dangerous belief that festers in the mind of the juvenile insane proto-killer. When giving children toy guns, it is essentially that the child is also taught that guns should only ever be used for legitimate purposes, such as hunting deer, scaring away rapists or repelling the agents of a tyrannical government.

The kinds of guns that have been given by Santa include replica cowboy guns, much like those brandished by decadent TV stars such as Roy Rogers and Clint Eastwood. He also gives away space laser ray pistols. We regard these toys as fetishizing a needless escalation in gun technology that would undermine the legitimate business of ammunition manufacturers. And Santa has also been known to make a present of so-called ‘supersoakers’ which share the same basic characteristics as a gun but which fire water instead of .38 hollow-points. In each case, Santa is encouraging kids to think of shooting each other as a harmless game, as if it has no serious consequences. Is it any wonder that a juvenile, given a water pistol and encouraged to spray his parents during a hot summer, later grows up to believe that spraying his parents with automatic fire is just another kind of playtime?

That is why we have made the following offer to Santa. We, the NRA, will supply him with free toy guns to give as gifts to every single child on the face of the planet – but on one condition. Our condition is that the children also receive, with no obligation, six weeks of complimentary membership to the National Rifle Association of America, which will be renamed the International Rifle Association of the Free World. All the kids need to do is to provide us with their parents’ credit card details, from which we will take a one-off lifetime membership fee at the end of the trial period. And if they take up the lifetime membership, we’ll send their parents a special voucher entitling them to a discount on a range of handguns and ammunition from Wal-Mart. That range has been especially endorsed by the NRA as suitable for defending the family home from murderers, looters, rapists, anarchists and tyrannical government agents.

We, in the NRA, are willing to protect the safety of this world, in the only way we know how. Is the press and political class here in Washington so consumed by fear and hatred of the NRA and America’s gun owners that you’re willing to accept a world where real resistance to evil monsters comes in the shape an unarmed elf, reduced to throwing snowballs at a heavily armed intruder, sacrificing his life for our right to enjoy Christmas? No one — regardless of personal political prejudice — has the right to impose that sacrifice. At this time of year, we remember how Jesus Christ willingly died on the cross for our sins, but if he’d had the armaments needed to fight off the tyranny of Rome and Pontius Pilate, wouldn’t Jesus’ sacrifice have been so much more meaningful? I believe that if Jesus was alive today, celebrating his birthday with us, that he’d be a card-carrying member of the NRA, proudly holding his Colt AR-15 above his head, and reminding us that God defends those that defend themselves.

I call on Congress today to act immediately, to appropriate whatever is necessary to put armed police officers at the North Pole, on every street corner, by every chimney and behind every Christmas tree — and to do it now, to make sure that blanket of safety is in place when Santa is ready to deliver his gifts.

Santa’s workshop needs to immediately identify, dedicate and deploy the resources necessary to secure its perimeter. And the National Rifle Association, as America’s preeminent trainer of law enforcement and security personnel for the past 50
years, is ready, willing and uniquely qualified to help. We have promised Santa that we will send a crack team to help him implement armed security around his workshop, and to coach him and his magical helpers on how to handle firearms. Our training programs are the most advanced in the world, and this is proven by the very low numbers of gun accidents that happen in the USA every year. If it was not for NRA training, the very high number of guns owned by Americans would lead to an intolerable number of deaths. Thanks to the NRA, the number of accidental gun deaths in the USA tends to be no more than 600 per year. Compare that to Japan, a country which rarely has more than 2 accidental gun deaths per year. Now, it is very very very hard for Japanese citizens to buy a gun, yet some Japanese still get accidentally killed by guns because the Japanese don’t know how to use them properly! Seen in this context, the NRA can take credit for literally saving thousands of American lives each year, and if politicians would only listen to us more, we’d be able to save many more lives, by giving lots more training to the many more people who will be walking around with guns in their concealed compartments.

If we truly cherish Christmas more than our money or our celebrities, we must give Santa the greatest level of protection possible. That means the kind of security that is only available if Santa is literally surrounded by properly trained — armed — good guys, so he is never surrounded by untrained — armed — bad guys. Our team of security experts will make Santa’s workshop a pilot project demonstrating how to protect everyone everywhere. And just as Santa gives his gifts without expecting anything in return, we offer our services to Santa free of charge.

That’s a plan of action that can, and will, make a real, positive and indisputable difference to the safety of Christmas – starting right now. There’ll be time for talk and debate later, after everyone has gone out and bought a gun. This is the time, this is the day for decisive action, if we want to save Christmas. We can’t wait before we act. We can’t lose precious time discussing things that won’t work, which is why the NRA are only prepared to discuss things that will work. We mustn’t allow politics or personal prejudice to divide us. We must act in solidarity now, with literally everyone buying a gun and joining the NRA before it’s too late.

Our thoughts are with Rudolph, who we wish a speedy recovery. We hope his bullet wound is superficial and that he will once again be leading the way with Santa’s deliveries. And our thoughts are with the relations of those magical little helpers who were so helplessly mowed down, if they have any relatives, because we’re not sure how they reproduce, if we’re honest. For the sake of the safety of Santa, Mrs. Claus, the reindeer and the surviving magical little helpers, we must protect them with the only positive defense that’s tested and proven to work against bullets. And that’s firing our bullets first.

God bless us all, we wish you a merry Christmas and a peaceful and prosperous new year.

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