In the previous installment of Star Wars: Parallel Universe, Moff Tarkin had just ordered the execution of Princess Leia aboard the Death Star. We begin this bumper-length finale to the story with our oddball band of heroes hanging out on the Millennium Falcon…

Luke: What’s the in-flight movie?

Han: Big Booty Girls of Orion 7

Luke: Is that about big booty girls from planet Orion 7, or is it the seventh in a popular series about big booty girls from across the Orion system?

Obi-Wan: Maybe we should find another way of passing the time. Here, why don’t you practice your light sabre skills? I have here a pocket robot I always carry around for just that task. (Pulls small spherical object from his robe.)

Luke: How does it work?

Obi-Wan: It flies around randomly and fires low energy shock blasts at point blank range. You have to anticipate its every move.

Luke: (Nervous) Okay, I will give it a try.

Obi-Wan: (Sits down, almost falling, looking pale) Oh dear!

Luke: Are you alright? What’s wrong?

Obi-Wan: I suddenly felt a great and sudden disturbance in the Force, as if, suddenly, millions of voices suddenly cried out in a sudden state of terror, and were suddenly silenced. I fear something terrible has happened.

Luke: All of a sudden? Why don’t you ask the Force pixies to tell you what happened?

Obi-Wan: I did, but could only get an engaged tone. The lines must all be busy. That tends to happen with sudden and major events. You had better get on with your exercises.

[The light sabre training robot shoots Luke repeatedly. No matter how fast he moves, he can never deflect the shots.]

Luke: Ow! Ow! Ow! This is impossible!

[The droids are playing a game with Chewbacca. It involves holographic monsters beating each other up on what looks like a circular chess board.]

R2-D2: (Moves one of his monster pieces. His monster picks up Chewie’s monster piece, swings it around his head and throws it off the board table. The monster then does a moonwalk and a victory lap around the board in celebration, waving and blowing kisses as it goes round the table. When it reaches Chewbacca, it turns its back to Chewie and pulls its pants down.) Beep Splurt Flurble (translates as: “Ha ha ha Wookie numbnuts, I forked you!”)

Chewie: Growl! Growl, growl, growl (translates as: “Can I take my move back?”)

C-3PO: He made a fair move. Screaming about it can’t help you!

[Chewie rips C-3PO's arms out of its sockets]

C-3PO: R2! Let the wookiee win!

Luke: Hey, my dad built that robot! You put him back together right now! (Whilst Luke is distracted, the Robot trainer flies behind him and shoots him up the backside) Ow!

Han: (Laughing) Ancient weapons are no match for a good blaster at your side.

Obi-Wan: Your eyes can deceive you. Use the Force. (Putting a helmet on Luke’s head) Let go of your conscious self, act on instinct.

Luke: Who designed this helmet? I can’t see a thing!

Han: It’s an early prototype of the ones used by Stormtroopers. You can tell from the strong plastic it’s made of.

[The training robot repeatedly shoots Luke over and over. Luke has no idea where it is.]

Han: (Laughing) Good against remotes is one thing, good against the living, that’s something else. Kid, you’re no good against nothing.

[The training robot sneaks up behind Han, trying to catch him out whilst he talks. Han spins around and blasts the robot to pieces.]

Chewie: Growl! Growl-bark-growl (translates as: “Han always shoots first”.)

….

[An Imperial Officer walks in on Darth Vader and Moff Tarkin in the conference chamber aboard the Death Star.]

Imperial Officer: Our scout ships have reached Dantooine. They found the remains of a rebel base but it has been deserted for some time. (Exits)

Tarkin: She lied! Princess Leia lied to us! I wasn’t expecting that.

Darth Vader: I felt she was lying, but couldn’t be sure. It’s hard to tell with a woman - they do it so well. One minute they’re happy to be carrying your baby, the next they’re flying a spaceship that’s carrying someone intent on killing you.

Tarkin: Dishonesty - will these rebels stop at nothing?

[Tarkin's mobile phone rings. His ringtone is a midi version of the first few bars of The Imperial March: Dah-dah-dah Dah-de-dar Dah-de-dar. Tarkin answers.]

Voice on phone: A freighter has come out of lightspeed nearby. Its markings match those of a ship that blasted its way out of Mos Eisley.

Tarkin: Vader - they’re attacking with a single freighter! (To phone) Blast them!

Voice on phone: We could just capture them with our tractor beam. It uses 40% less energy than a conventional turboblaster shot, and if we capture it, we can recycle their ship for parts.

Tarkin: Tractor beam? Sounds like a mixture of agriculture and gymnastics. Okay, get them with the tractor beam.

Voice on phone: Please hold. (Phone plays Parade of the Ewoks: De-dah, de-dah, de-dah-de-dah-de-da-da, whilst Tarkin waits.) There’s no-one on board, Sir. According to the log, the crew abandoned ship right after take-off. It must be a decoy, Sir. Several of the escape pods have been jettisoned.

Tarkin: Hang on… Perhaps the ship’s logs are full of lies as well. They could still be hiding inside… a group of suicide guerillas, intent on blowing us all up. Destroy that ship this instant!

Voice on phone: Why don’t we just scan the ship to see if anybody is on it?

Tarkin: Why don’t you just destroy the ship?!?

Voice on phone: Well, it would make a helluva mess of Bay 327. The cleaning crew is only working a half day today. They’ve got mandatory training on the importance of recycling. And it turns out this is Han Solo’s ship. We can’t shoot it first. He always gets first shot.

Tarkin: Very well. Scan the ship instead. But you do it good and proper. If I find out there was anybody on board, and if they get past your scanners, I will be very upset. (Hangs up.) I tell you, Vader, discipline has gone to shit recently. This crew is more worried about the environment than they are about crushing the rebellion.

Vader: I like a clean environment. Otherwise my dust filters can get really clogged up.

…

[On board the Millennium Falcon, the crew climb out of their hiding places.]

Luke: That was lucky. Those stormtroopers must be really stupid.

Obi-Wan: In my experience, there’s no such thing as luck. Every time I thought they were going to find us, I distracted them by making them hear a noise over their shoulders. It never fails, you know.

Han: That’s the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard, there’s no way that… (hears a noise over his shoulder so turns around to look).

Obi-Wan: You were saying?

Han: This is ridiculous. We can’t hide in here for ever. And even if I could take off, I couldn’t get past the tractor beam.

Obi-Wan: Leave that to me. Here’s the plan. There’s a couple of guys headed this way - they’ll start scanning the ship any moment. I’ll make a noise over their shoulder to distract them, and you hit them over the head. Then you’ll call in the two stormtroopers who are guarding the hatch. I’ll make a noise over their shoulder to distract them, and you hit them over the head. We’ll basically repeat that plan until we’ve defeated them all.

R2-D2: Blurp, flirp, bing (translates as: “Come on! What kind of plan is that? Why don’t you steal some stormtrooper uniforms and try to get out of here?”)

Chewie: Bark, bark, roar, growl (translates as: “And go where? Plus I don’t think stormtrooper uniforms come in our sizes, you beeping trashcan!”)

Han: It could be a start. (Aside) At least if I was disguised as a stormtrooper then I would stand a chance of escaping.

…

[The two-man scanning crew haul their equipment to the Millennium Falcon.]

Scanning Trainee: At last we’re going to do some scanning. Makes a change, huh?

Scanning Supervisor: Shush. Don’t go blabbing to everyone that there’s no need for a scanning crew on this moon-sized space station with the giant ray weapon. They’re looking to make some headcount reductions around here, and I much prefer this job to the one I was doing before.

Scanning Trainee: What was that?

Scanning Supervisor: Stormtrooper Internal Affairs. I was responsible for investigating and rooting out corrupt stormtroopers.

Scanning Trainee: Wow, that sounds really glamourous. Why did you give it up for this boring job?

Scanning Supervisor: Have you ever tried to tell two stormtroopers apart? We would always be getting these civvies coming forward, accusing stormtroopers of this and that, but how were you supposed to tell which one had done what? Identity parades were a nightmare, I can tell you. Enough blabbing, let’s get this equipment inside the ship.

[They go up the ramp leading into the Millennium Falcon.]

Scanning Trainee: Did you hear something? (turns around)

Scanning Supervisor: Yeah… OOF! (is hit on head and falls to the ground).

Scanning Trainee: What the… OOF! (is hit on head and falls to the ground).

R2-D2: Beep, blurp (translates as “Two down, three-hundred and forty-two thousand and fifty-one to go.”

C-3PO: That’s a precise number.

R2-D2: Fizz, whistle (”I just looked it up on the internet. I guess their security is not that tight.”)

…

[The heroes escape from the Millennium Falcon and secure themselves in a small control room.]

Obi-Wan: (to R2-D2) Plug into that computer outlet. You should be able to interpret the entire Imperial network.

R2-D2: Beep, beep, whistle. (”Haven’t you heard of encryption, firewalls, network security? You make it sound like it’s so flippin’ easy.”)

Obi-Wan: Forget it. I’ll just use the Force. You lot wait here. I’ll make some noises over people’s shoulders and go shut off the combine harvester beam.

Luke: Tractor beam.

Obi-Wan: Precisely. (Exits)

Chewie: Growl, bark, growl (”That Kenobi’s a silly old bugger. I thought he was dead. Where’s a really powerful Jedi, like Yoda, when you need him? Saying that, Yoda’s too smart to risk his neck. He’s probably hiding in some swamp or something like that. And we’re stuck on the most destructive battle station in the galaxy. That’s bad news, I tell you.”)

Han: You said it, Chewie. (To Luke) Where did you dig up that old fossil?

Luke: On a desert planet. Perhaps he spent too long in the sun.

R2-D2: Whistle, whistle, whistle. (”Princess Leia is here. She’s scheduled to be executed and is currently being held in the detention block.”)

Luke: Well, let’s go straight down there, and rescue her!

Han: That’s not much of a plan. I’m staying right here.

Luke: She’s rich!

Han: So?

Luke: You’ll get a reward!

Han: How much?

Luke: Whatever is in my pockets right now, plus twenty-five thousand when she’s safe and home!

Han: I’m no fool.

Luke: Okay, thirty thousand when she’s safe.

Han: Deal! How much do you have on you?

Luke: Fooled you - stormtroopers don’t have pockets in their uniforms.

Han: Okay, you got me. But I still want the thirty thousand when we get her home. (Aside) I got a bad feeling about this…

…

[In recycling centre Beta-42, deep in the heart of the Death Star.]

Recycling Chief: Look at this great big pile we’ve got to sort out. There are literally hundreds of old stormtrooper uniforms in this pile.

Recycling Hand: It’ll take us all day just to sort them from the rest of the plastics.

Recycling Chief: It’s all the fault of quality control at the cloning plant. Stormtroopers used to all conform to the same dimensions, but now they come out all sorts of shapes and sizes. Half of them are wearing uniforms that don’t fit properly.

Recycling Hand: We saw this one stormtrooper the other day, you should have been there, it was hilarious. He was a tall fella, and he was walking through this door and - crack! - he banged his head on the arch! Then he tried to pretend nothing had happened! Me and the lads had a good giggle about that, I tell you.

Recycling Chief: It’s these helmets (holding a stormtrooper helmet up). They can’t see anything out of them.

[In turn, Princess Leia, Chewie, Luke and finally Han slide out of a chute, landing on top of the recycling pile.]

Recycling Chief: Hey, hey! What do you think you lot are playing at? This is a recycling centre, not an amusement park! That chute is for plastics, not bodies! Especially not live ones!

Recycling Hand: Yeah, this is recycling station Beta-42. Bodypart recycling is over at station Delta-17.

Recycling Chief: Get down from that pile of plastics right now!

Luke: Sorry, I think we took a wrong turn.

Recycling Chief: You’d better get out of here quick sharp, before we all get into trouble!

[The heroes climb down from the pile of plastics and make their way out, saying sorry as they go.]

Luke: Can we leave these uniforms here? They really chafe.

Recycling Chief: Go on, sling ‘em on the pile. But make it fast.

[Luke and Han ditch their stormtrooper uniforms. They exit with Leia and Chewie.]

Recycling Chief: You see what I mean? Did you see how short and scrawny that young stormtrooper was? Poor quality control, I tell you.

[A long tentacle is seen writhing through the pile of plastics.]

Recycling Hand: There’s something alive in there!

Recycling Chief: Don’t panic. It’s Dino, our recycling cephalopod. (To Dino) Caught you sleeping on the job again, haven’t we?

…

[Luke, Leia, Han and Chewie are making their way back to the Millennium Falcon. As they turn a corner, they are surprised by eight stormtroopers.]

Stormtrooper Sergeant: It’s them - blast them!

[Han shots the Sergeant.]

Stormtrooper Private 1: It’s Han Solo - run for it! (They turn and flee).

Stormtrooper Private 2: (Whilst running away) This isn’t like us. Normally we can’t wait to dive into the line of fire. There’s seven of us, and only one of him, and we’re protected by strong plastic armour. Why don’t we stop and fight?

Stormtrooper Private 1: Haven’t you heard of Han Solo? Everybody knows he always shoots first.

[They turn a corner, where dozens of stormtroopers lie in wait.]

Stormtrooper Private 1: Where have you guys been? I don’t remember seeing so many of you last time I was here.

Stormtrooper Corporal: We’re a new batch. Fresh out of the cloning plants.

[Han turns the corner, and is confronted by the new batch of Stormtroopers. The new stormtroopers all fire upon him simultaneously.]

Han: (Turning and heading back where he came) It looks like the end for that running gag.

Stormtrooper Private 1: How can you fire on Han Solo first, don’t you know who he is?

Stormtrooper Corporal: Like I said, we’re a new batch - a special addition.

Stormtrooper Private 1: (Aside) I think I preferred things the old way.

…

[Obi-Wan encounters Vader. He makes a noise to distract Vader, but Vader isn't fooled.]

Vader: Your powers are weak, old man.

Obi-Wan: They worked well enough on everyone else round here.

[They parry their light sabres.]

Vader: The circle is now complete. When I left you, I was but the learner. Now I am the master.

Obi-Wan: Only a master of evil, Darth.

Vader: Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me.

Obi-Wan: You can’t win, Darth. If you strike me down, I shall become more powerful than you can possibly imagine.

Vader: Powerful enough to stop people from dying?

Obi-Wan: No. Not that powerful.

Vader: Well, I can imagine being that powerful.

Obi-Wan: You’ve spent twenty years looking for that power. Have you made any progress?

Vader: Not really. When I cut flowers from my garden, they tend to last a lot longer. But on the whole, the experiment has been a failure.

Obi-Wan: Give up the dark side, Darth. You were once good.

Vader: No. I’m too set in my ways to change now. And the Empire will give me a very generous pension when I retire. It is a non-contributory final salary scheme. Can the rebel alliance match that?

Obi-Wan: I wish! Can’t you see what rags I’m reduced to wearing? (Starts crying). When I was a young lad, they said that becoming a Jedi would bring a lifetime of security. But look at me now. I’m an old man, living in a tiny hovel on a barren world, with no friends or family around me. To add to the indignity, I am plagued by sandmen. They keep knocking on my door, and each time I go to answer, they’ve run away. It’s no way for a Jedi to live.

Vader: Yes, and look at me. Shiny suits, the latest fancy spaceships, any woman I want. And all this time, whilst I have been cavorting all over the galaxy, you’ve been keeping an eye on my son for me.

Obi-Wan: You know about Luke?

Vader: Of course. I just pretended I didn’t in case I got stung for child support. Did you give him my light sabre, like I asked?

Obi-Wan: Yes I did. Now do me a favour, old friend. (Holds up his light sabre.) Put me out of my misery.

Vader: Of course, old chum. (Strikes Obi-Wan with the light sabre. Obi-Wan disappears.)

[Luke is looking on from afar as the others sneak on to the Millennium Falcon.]

Luke: (Screams) No!

[Stormtroopers turn around and see the heroes. They open fire.]

Obi-Wan’s disembodied voice: Luke, you silly boy. You were nearly away and clear. Run, Luke, run!

…

[The Millennium Falcon has fought its way past the TIE fighters and jumped into hyperspace.]

Han: Not a bad bit of rescuing, huh? You know sometimes I amaze even myself.

Leia: This ship is amazing. Amazingly old. What was it called when they first made it? The Falcon? They let us go. It’s the only explanation for the ease of our escape.

Han: Easy? You call that easy?

Leia: They’re tracking us. We should dump the ship and switch to another.

Han: Dump my ship? No way!

Leia: I’m just saying we should switch ships en route. Otherwise we’ll lead them right back to our rebel base.

Han: Okay, you give me my money now, sister, and I’ll let you off at the next habitable planet. Deal?

Leia: I’m a Princess. I don’t carry a purse.

Han: Then I’m taking you to the rebel base - and I had better get paid when we arrive. And you can also forget about the agreed fare. This one’s going on the meter (points at a taxi meter, clicking up every light-year).

…

[At the rebel base on Yavin 4, Han and Chewie are loading their reward - boxes of money - on to the Millennium Falcon.]

Han: (to Chewie) Good tippers, huh? It’s funny they didn’t have any notes, though. Loading all this small change is giving me a bad back.

[Luke walks up to Han.]

Luke: You got your reward and just leaving then?

Han: Yup. I don’t fancy your chances, taking on a battle station powerful enough to destroy whole planets. But maybe I could be persuaded.

Luke: Great! The Death Star came out of light-speed too soon and now we have half an hour to fly out in our little fighters, get up real close, and shoot a torpedo down a tiny exhaust vent.

Han: On second thoughts, I’m getting the hell out of here.

…

[Luke is flying towards the exhaust port in his X-wing. He is adjusting his targeting computer.]

Obi-Wan’s disembodied voice: Use the Force, Luke. Trust me.

[Luke switches off his targeting computer.]

[Back at the command centre on the rebel base.]

Rebel Ops Commander: They’ll be in range in 30 seconds. Looks like we’re goners.

Rebel Ops Co-ordinator: He switched off his targeting computer.

Rebel Ops Commander: (Shouting) What the F@*K! (Speaks into his radio. Assumes a calm voice.) Luke, you switched off your targeting computer. What’s wrong?

Luke: Nothing. I’m alright.

Rebel Ops Commander: (Switches radio off). Well, that’s just hunky dory then. He’s alright. What about the rest of us? We’re doomed.

[Vader's TIE fighter has almost caught Luke]

Vader: I have you now.

[Rebel base]

Rebel Ops Co-ordinator: They’re in range.

Rebel Ops Commander: I always loved you. I just never had the chance to say it before.

Rebel Ops Co-ordinator: I know. It would have got in the way of work.

Rebel Ops Commander: If we had met under different circumstances, who knows what might have been?

[Han and the Millennium Falcon blast one of the two TIE fighters supporting Vader.]

Vader: WHAT!?!

Han: Yahoo!

[The other TIE fighter panics and clips Vader's, destroying itself and throwing Vader's clear of the Death Star.]

Luke: Han, why’d you come back?

Han: I just remembered. Those guys shot at me FIRST! I can’t allow that to happen again. You’re all clear kid, now let’s blow this thing and go home.

[The Death Star's Chief Gunner is just completing preparations to fire on Yavin 4.]

Chief Gunner: At last, we can use this weapon in anger!

Assistant Gunner: Standby…

Chief Gunner: What’s the hold up?

Assistant Gunner: Yavin 4 is covered in rainforest.

Chief Gunner: So?

Assistant Gunner: It’s part of the Imperial carbon offsetting program. If we destroy Yavin 4, it’ll blow a hole in our neutral emissions target.

Chief Gunner: This isn’t the time to discuss this. We’d better get on with it.

[Luke launches his torpedoes]

Assistant Gunner: Too late!

[Death Star explodes]

Han: Great shot, kid. That was one in a million. (Switches radio off and turns to Chewie) And thanks to that new on-line gambling service, odds of a-million-to-one means we’re rich!

Chewie: Growl. (Translates as: “I thought you were mad betting our reward money against the Empire, but I’m mighty glad you did!”)

[In the shiny new offices of the Tatooine On-Line Gambling Corporation]

Chief Jawa: Looks like it’s back to selling second-hand droids for us. We’ve been wiped out.

Jawa 2: I told you we should never have offered those odds. I mean, a-million-to-one?

Chief Jawa: (Shrugs shoulders) You live and learn.

[Luke's X-wing]

Obi-Wan’s disembodied voice: Remember, the Force will be with you, always

Luke: Are you going to keep doing that?

Obi-Wan’s voice: Doing what?

Luke: Distracting me at crucial moments. You almost made me miss.

Obi-Wan’s voice: I thought I was being helpful and encouraging.

Luke: “Trust the Force” - okay, I got it. Now go away, it’s creepy talking to a dead man.

Obi-Wan’s voice: Sorry. I didn’t know you felt like that. But I suppose you’re right. You go enjoy yourself with all your living friends. (Mutters) Some thanks I get. I suppose they’ll give him a medal for this.

[Rebel base]

Rebel Ops Commander: So what do we do now?

Rebel Ops Co-ordinator: Well, let’s go to this medal ceremony they’re planning, and maybe we could go out for a drink afterwards?

Rebel Ops Commander: Great!

Rebel Ops Co-ordinator: Just a drink, mind. I want to take things slowly.

Rebel Ops Commander: That’s okay with me, but have you heard where we’re moving the base to? Baby, it’s gonna be cold outside.

…

[The Rebel Alliance is assembled for an award ceremony. In walks Luke, in a yellow jacket, Han, in a waistcoat, and Chewie, in his usual state of undress.]

Rebel Ops Commander: (Standing in the ranks, whispering to the Ops Co-ordinator) Hey, I thought this was strictly a uniform-only occasion.

Rebel Ops Co-ordinator: So did I. Where did he get that awful yellow jacket from?

Chewie: (Hearing mutterings in the ranks as he walks to the stage) Growl (”Shut it!”)

[Luke and Han get their medals from Princess Leia. A clean and sparkling R2-D2 enters from the side of the stage.]

R2-D2: Beep, whistle, bleep, bleep (”Where’s my bloody medal? I was the one who carried those flippin’ Death Star plans all this time!”)

[Luke and Han turn to face the amassed ranks in the auditorium, proudly showing their medals. Chewie, stood to one side, also turns.]

Chewie: Growl-bark. (”And you can shut it too, trashcan. I didn’t get no medal neither. Typical human chauvinists.”)

[Round of applause from the ranks. It slowly dies away, and the heroes on the stage start turning to one another, wondering what to do next.]

Rebel Ops Commander: That was quite an anti-climax. I was expecting some fireworks or a band or something.

Rebel Ops Co-ordinator: Yeah. I think they’re going to put on a buffet, but let’s not stay any longer than we have to.

The End

It may be the end for now, but like George Lucas, you can assume I will keep coming back for more - way past the point I should have stopped. Stay tuned for the inevitable unleashing of The Empire Strikes Back: Parallel Universe.

Its forecast that by 2020, 40% of UK households will be home to a singleton. But being single is not a cheap option. According to surveys, after you factor in all the discounts and cost savings that couples enjoy (shared utility bills, reduced insurance, better holiday rates and BOGOF supermarket deals) it turns out that two really can live as cheaply as one. The burdens of the singles do not stop there. Healthcare and education, between them, consume more than half of government expenditure, but only a fraction of that spending is of benefit to adult singles. The winners from this distribution are the families with children. These families win again and again. Parents enjoy time away from work which their childless peers do not. Singles also tend to work longer hours on average, as they have fewer excuses to leave work to others. However, somebody needs to do the graft that makes the money that keeps each business running. If earnings are low, families benefit from tax credits to help pay for the children. And even without children, there are a string of tax advantages available to couples but not singles. How did singles end up in this awful situation?

Part of the reason is societal, and part of the reason is economic. For obvious reasons, younger people are more likely to be single, and typically younger adults are given the worst deal by society. They work, they contribute, but they are expected to pay their dues and work their way up. Singletons have disposable income and a predisposition to dispose of it, especially in the search for a mate. That makes them easy targets for commercial exploitation. In addition, if the singles end up working longer hours, then they are easy prey for supposedly time-saving products and services that would not be needed if they had more time to begin with.

Another reason is psychological. Most singles will think of being single as only a temporary phase. There is a natural anticipation that people “settle down”, and end up pairing off. It therefore makes little sense for the singleton to fight the advantages given to couples. Instead, they can anticipate those advantages when they too find a mate. However, the simplistic division between younger single people and older married people is disintegrating. People do keep getting married - but many are getting divorced not long after. Fewer and fewer fit into the simple pattern of the nuclear family, where adults bear kids and where kids grow up, move out, find partners and start their own family. Instead, we see now see many examples of every permutation of single, married, separated and remarried couples, both with and without kids from current and former relationships. So whilst the ideal of finding ‘the one’ continues to exist to some extent, like white weddings, the symbols of lifelong monogamous relationships now mean more than the meanings they used to represent.

If things were not bad enough for the singleton, it seems the state is determined to marginalize them even further. Financial crisis aside, nobody who listens to a Gordon Brown in recent years will have failed to notice his obsessive incantation of families and children. Which is all very well and good, but does tend to make you wonder if he believes he is also there to serve the interests of everyone else. In fact, it is not clear if he even understands that they is anyone else. In the 10p tax rate bungle, the principle victims were low-paid single workers, who were going to suffer higher tax bills in order to pay for tax concessions enjoyed by others. Yet this is how Brown half-apologized for the fiasco in his Labour Party conference speech:

And where I’ve made mistakes I’ll put my hand up and try to put them right

So what happened with 10p, it stung me because it really hurt that suddenly people felt I wasn’t on the side of people on middle and modest incomes - because on the side of hard-working families is the only place I’ve ever wanted to be

Excuse me? What about hard-working people who are not in families? Is Brown not on their ’side’? What is the opposing ’side’ to families if not single people? And why is the 10p issue, which was about punishing the single worker most of all, being conflated with the interests of the group who Brown was trying to benefit? Brown was guilty of robbing singleton Peter to pay the family of Paul.

Our aspirations sometimes do not change as quickly as the world around us. Little boys will want to drive fast racing cars and police cars, even though the environment says we should slow down the burning of fossil fuels. Many are still training or in jobs that cannot be competitively sustained in this country if we seriously intend to participate in a global economy, yet nobody seems to have considered the true scale of the challenges. Either we reskill our citizens far more than we are doing, or we close our borders and run our economy on an isolationist Soviet-style basis, or we sit back and wait for unprecedented social disorder as the cost of living rises in the coming decades, whilst the poorest will become utterly marginalized due to their inability to compete with their lower-paid rivals in the emerging economies around the globe. However, in the midst of this pending disaster, it is the most flexible and hence competitive element of our workforce - the singletons - who are made to carry more and more load, for less and less reward. Worst of all, instead of helping singletons to behave responsibly, we have a government that punishes them for their efforts. Helping people to save for a family and to build a career so they can afford to raise children should be the starting point. Instead, the government’s attitude seems to be that children will be born one way or another, to the responsible and irresponsible alike. That has twisted the government’s role into guaranteeing subsidies to parents, and to pay for those subsidies by taxing people without families. The constant repetition of this message - always focused on who Robin Hood gives to, and never completing the circle back to where the money was taken from - has even given the Conservatives a new way to recruit gay voters. As gay voters are not motivated by cheesy homilies about family life, they can more acutely discern who is expected to pay a disproportionate share of the bill.

There are lots of simple and cost-effective ways to really help families. Free school buses would ease parent concerns about the safety of their kids, cut fuel bills and hence family costs, reduce road congestion during rush hour and help the environment. Free school meals, including breakfast as well as lunch, cuts family costs at a time of rising food bills and ensures children are properly nourished and in the right frame of mind for a day’s education. This in turns increases the return on the investment being made in schooling. Universal provision of school buses and school meals will keep costs to the taxpayer down, by virtue of economies of scale. If any party could see the merits of universal, state-driven action to benefit society, it would be the Labour Party. But these policies will never be supported by the Labour Party, because they are not vote-winners. And they are not vote-winners because many ‘families’, by which we really-mean adult voters with children, would rather have more money in their pockets and the freedom to decide how to spend it, instead of tangible benefits uniquely targeted at their children. Some parents want to drive their kids to school. Some parents want to feed their children with hamburgers. In the saddest irony of all, child obesity is on the rise, and this in turn puts yet more unnecessary load on our health services, which are increasingly expected to provide solutions for dieting and diabetes. If parents want to be wasteful, so the logic goes, then parents know best and the state should not interfere. However, the state does interfere, by expecting everyone else to cough up the money on the pretext that raising children is expensive, with or without the extra waste. Instead of government taking responsibility directly for the well-being of children (who do not vote) it gives money to the parents (who do vote) and then gives them the freedom to do what they like with it. It should be no surprise if some of that money is just wasted, leaving the child worse off than if the government really was mindful of the best interests of children, family and society as a whole.

Will attitudes change? Only time will tell. However, the revolt over the 10p tax debacle indicated that some sections of our society have grown tired of the endless mantra of “for the good of the family”. In his party conference speech, Gordon Brown used the word “children” on fifteen occasions, “families” on twelve, and he referred to “parents” eleven times. The word “fair” featured forty-six times. This is how his speech finished:

Together we are building the fair society in this place and in this generation.

The mission of our times - the fair society, the cause that drives us on - and we will win, not for the sake of our party, together we will win for the sake of our country.

Not once did Brown make any mention, promise, or implicit reference to the needs and desires of that growing number of singleton households. In those households, the occupants pay higher bills, work longer hours, get fewer tax benefits and receive fewer state services. Anecdotal evidence suggests that, thanks to government legislation, singletons have worse job security. Many of these singletons are struggling to find the money to buy a home, to make savings, to feather a nest before bringing new life into the world. Even if they have no desire to reproduce, it seems trite to suggest that it is ‘fair’ that they must pay increasing subsidies to those that do. Brown is still an old-fashioned socialist at heart, he left it relatively late in life before he started a family, and he embodies traditional working-class and Scottish values. You might expect he would hence some sympathy for the idea that responsible parenting means making money before making babies. That means looking after the singletons, on the assumption they will then be better able to look after the families they will eventually raise. So far, he has not done that, but he has been let off the hook because none of his political rivals have dared to argue the case for singletons either. But it is doubtful they can continue in this vein. Punishing the responsible singleton cannot go on indefinitely, not least because resentment will grow, but also because the numbers of singletons is set to grow as well. The single life is not fair, and certainly not free. If the economy goes sour, and if singletons find their burdens grow even more as a consequence, they may at last begin to act as a collective. A force like that could change the political landscape. Many political movements are like pendulums - they swing in one direction and as they do, they build up opposing forces until they start swinging back again. Brown may be the ultimate spokesperson for equating “fair” with “family”. If that equation leads to more obvious inequality, the pendulum will swing the other way. That is no bad thing, if it encourages the emergence of both a society and governments that value citizens based on who they are and what they do, and not based on crude categories like marital status and number of offspring. All politicians had better prepare.

We left Star Wars: Parallel Universe with Obi-Wan rummaging through his old mementos and fibbing to Luke about his father. Next up, Obi-Wan introduces Luke to the Force…

Luke: What’s this ‘Force’ you keep talking about?

Obi-Wan: The Force is what gives a Jedi his power. It’s an energy field created by all living things. It surrounds us, and penetrates us. It binds the galaxy together.

Luke: So it’s like gravity?

Obi-Wan: No. Not like gravity.

Luke: But gravity binds the galaxy together. I learnt that at school. In physics, there are four forces: gravity, electromagnetic, and the two nuclear forces. You need to know that stuff if you want to fly spaceships faster than the speed of light.

Obi-Wan: They don’t teach you everything at school.

Luke: How does ‘the Force’ work then?

Obi-Wan: You tell these microscopic creatures what to do, and then they do it. They can make things float and tell you what is happening a long way away and things like that.

Luke: (Tries to suppress his laughter) Yeah right. Very scientific. (Starts to giggle) There’s little guys and they just do what we tell ‘em. Like leprechauns, or pixies.

Obi-Wan: Watch this…

[Obi-Wan closes his eyes and reaches out with his hand. A magazine on his table rises up into the air. Floating in mid-air, it rolls into the shape of a tube. The magazine slowly and gently moves toward Luke. Luke watches as it hovers a few inches above him. Then the magazine swats him about the head repeatedly.]

Luke: (Dodging the magazine) Hey, hey! Okay! I believe you! You tell the Force pixies what to do and they do it… Can we get back to the droid and the message for you?

[R2-D2 projects a message from Princess Leia]

Princess Leia’s recording: General Kenobi, I have placed information vital to the survival of the rebellion into the memory systems of this R2 unit. You must deliver it to my father on Alderaan. Help me Obi-Wan Kenobi, you’re my only hope.

Obi-Wan: Hmmm… I wonder why she didn’t just email it. I would forward it myself, but you can’t get a decent broadband connection out here in the Jundland Wastes. That means I should probably deliver it in person. Luke, you must learn the ways of the Force if you’re to come with me to Alderaan.

Luke: Huh! Today I’m a farmer. Tomorrow… a delivery boy. That’s hardly a promotion. I only came over here because I wanted to get that Leia chick’s phone number. I’m not going half way across the galaxy with an old man and a cranky robot…

R2-D2: Bleep, blurt, splurt (translates as: “Up yours, Skywalker!”)

Luke: … on the off-chance I get to lay her. Plus, I was gonna go to Tachi Station to pick up some power convertors.

Obi-Wan: Pick up some hookers, more like. Look, Luke, the Force can have a strong influence on the weak-minded.

Luke: Like chicks?

Obi-Wan: Especially chicks.

Luke: When do we leave?

…

[Greedo enters the Mos Eisley Cantina and walks up to the bar. The band is on a break and the joint is nearly empty.]

Greedo: Hey, have you seen Han Solo?

Barman: Who Solo?

Greedo: (Holds up a photo) This is a picture of who I am looking for.

Barman: Nah. Never seen him.

Greedo: He’s pretty well known. He flies a really fast ship they call the Millennium Falcon and he hangs out with a wookie called Chewbacca.

Barman: I don’t know him. Come back later. Perhaps the boss knows who he is. I’ll ask if he’s heard of this Ham Soho character.

Greedo: (Sighs) Bounty hunting: it’s not as glamourous as they pretended.

…

[Aboard the Death Star. Darth Vader walks in on a committee meeting of the top Imperial Commanders, chaired by Moff Tarkin.]

Imperial Commander: This station is now the ultimate power in the universe.

Darth Vader: Don’t be too proud of this technological terror you’ve constructed. The ability to destroy a planet is insignificant next to the power of the Force.

Imperial Commander: Don’t try to frighten us with your sorceror’s ways Lord Vader. Your sad devotion to that ancient religion can’t blow up a whole planet, can it? I mean, a great big planet?! You can’t do that with the Force! Can you travel across the galaxy faster than the speed light using the Force? No you can’t. Technology kicks the butt of the Force. You couldn’t even breathe if it wasn’t for all that technology you carry around with you.

Darth Vader: I’ll show you who can breathe (brings his forefinger and thumb up towards his eye and looks at the Commander through them - then squeezes his forefinger and thumb together). (In a squeaky voice) I’m crushing your larynx. I’m crushing your larynx…

Moff Tarkin: Vader, release him! This bickering is pointless. And bullying in the workplace is contrary to our statement of ethics and values.

…

[Luke, Obi-Wan and the droids drive their speeder into Mos Eisley. They are stopped by a Stormtrooper patrol.]

Stormtrooper 1: How long have you had these droids? Let me see your identification.

Obi-Wan: You don’t need to see his identification.

Stormtrooper 1: Don’t I? I thought I did.

Stormtrooper 2: You do.

Stormtrooper 3: I echo that sentiment.

Stormtrooper 2: ‘Echo that sentiment’? La-de-dar. Listen to Trooper Posh Boots.

Obi-Wan: These aren’t the droids you’re looking for.

Stormtrooper 1: Really?? They look like the right droids. If these aren’t the droids we’re looking for, do you know where the right ones are?

Obi-Wan: Erm… over there, behind you.

Stormtrooper 1: (Turns around) I don’t see them.

Stormtrooper 2: I don’t see nuffink.

Stormtrooper 3: It’s noth-ing, not nuffink.

Stormtrooper 2: Just ‘cos you got cloned in a fancy private test tube doesn’t mean you’re better than the rest of us.

Stormtrooper 1: I still don’t see them. It’s this blasted helmet. I can hardly see out of it.

[A long line of speeders has built up behind the checkpoint. Sound of hooters like car horns.]

Stormtrooper 1: These aren’t the droids we’re looking for? Okay, you’d better move along.

Stormtrooper 2: Okay, I’ll go look over there for those droids. Anything to get away from Trooper La-de-dar.

…

[Han Solo walks into the Mos Eisley Cantina]

Barman: Hey Han! Chewbacca has some customers for you! Looks like you may finally pay your bar tab (laughs). Plus some bounty hunter was in here before, asking after you. Better watch your back! Chewie and the others are sat over there.

[Han walks over to a table where Chewie, Luke and Obi-Wan are sitting.]

Han: I’m Han Solo, captain of the Millennium Falcon.

Obi-Wan: Is it a fast ship?

Han: Fast ship, you’ve never heard of the Millennium Falcon?

Obi-Wan: No, I don’t get out much these days. Do you advertise?

Han: Look, old man. We can’t exactly advertise our services.

Obi-Wan: Well, that will explain why I’ve never heard of your ship. How fast is it?

Han: It made the Kessel Run in less than twelve parsecs.

Luke: A parsec is a unit of distance. That’s like saying you ran the hundred yards in a hundred yards.

Han: Yeah, and I was fast at that too. What’s the cargo.

Obi-Wan: Myself, the boy, two droids, and no questions asked.

Han: Is it some kind of local trouble?

Obi-Wan: Did you hear the bit about “no questions asked”?

Han: It’ll cost you. Ten thousand, all in advance.

Obi-Wan: We can pay you two thousand now (waves hand) plus fifteen when we reach Alderaan.

Han: Seventeen! You got a deal!

[Obi-Wan and Luke leave to collect the droids]

Luke: I see what you mean about the simple-minded.

[Chewbacca leaves to ready the ship. Greedo sneaks up to Han. He pulls out his blaster and holds it pressed against Han's forehead.]

Greedo: Going somewhere, Solo?

[Han sits down. Greedo continues to hold the blaster pressed against Han's head.]

Han: Tell Jabba I’ve got his money.

Greedo: Give me the money, I might forget I found you.

Han: Over my dead body.

Greedo: Okay. (Squeezes trigger. Nothing happens. Tries again. And again. Takes the pistol away from Han’s head to see what is wrong with it.) The batteries are dead.

[Han pulls out his own blaster and shoots Greedo in cold blood.]

Han: (Tossing a coin to the barman) Sorry about the mess.

Barman: (Looking at Greedo) Somebody should have told him: Han shoots first.

…

[On the Death Star. The Chief Gunner and the rest of the targeting team listens in as Moff Tarkin and Darth Vader harangue Leia for the location of the Rebel base.]

Moff Tarkin: (to Leia) I have chosen to test this station’s destructive power against your home planet, Alderaan.

Leia: No!

Chief Gunner: (to the assistant gunner) I’m from Alderaan!

Assistant Gunner: Bad luck, boss.

Chief Gunner: I can’t see why we don’t just test this station on a big lifeless asteroid or something like that.

Tarkin: (to Leia) You prefer another target, a military target? I grow tired of asking this, so it’ll be the last time, where is the rebel base?

Leia: Dantooine.

Chief Gunner: Phew.

Tarkin: Continue with the operation, fire when ready.

Assistant Gunner: (to Chief Gunner) You can’t trust Moff Tarkin. What a bastard.

Chief Gunner: (Sighs) Commence primary ignition.

Assistant Gunner: Sorry boss.

Chief Gunner: (Pressing some buttons, he mutters to himself) Only got one chance…

[The energy beam builds up in the Death Star's gun, and a pulse of green energy flashes out. The beam shoots past Alderaan, narrowly missing it.]

Tarkin: What?!?!

Chief Gunner: Works fine, sir.

Tarkin: You missed the target.

Chief Gunner: They dodged, sir.

Tarkin: Planets don’t dodge.

Chief Gunner: It was… it was… a warning shot, sir.

Tarkin: Very good. Now blast them to pieces.

Chief Gunner: It’s this helmet, sir, I can’t see a thing with it on. I might miss again.

Tarkin: Then take it off.

Chief Gunner: (Starts to cry) But sir, I’m from Alderaan, sir. My nan still lives there.

Tarkin: Why didn’t you just say so? Fair enough. I should have checked before giving the order to fire. Ordering people to kill members of their own family is contrary to our statement of ethics and values.

Vader: You can destroy my home planet, Tatooine, if you want.

Tarkin: That seems a bit cold, even for you.

Vader: I had some relations living there, but I had them slaughtered in order to find the droids. And we still didn’t get the droids. There’s nothing left for me on Tatooine now, except unhappy memories.

Tarkin: (Pats Vader on the shoulder) Okay, we’ll destroy Tatooine for you. But next time, Vader, please try to respect our statement of ethics and values. No more killing of your kinfolk, even if you don’t like them. We all have to respect policy, even you.

Vader: (Gripping Leia by the arm) and what should we do with this one?

Tarkin: I’ve ordered her termination.

Vader: Shame, she reminds me of someone I once knew.

To be continued…

Politicians talk a lot about the economy. Ordinary people talk a lot about the economy, especially when it is going badly. Everyone talks about government expenditure and how much tax is needed to pay for it all. For all the talk, you get very few numbers. When you listen to people, you often hear strange things like “if they stopped wasting all that money on such-and-such then they could pay for this-and-that”. The flaw in such arguments tends to be that they rely on a mixture of wishful thinking and absolute ignorance of the numbers involved. Very rarely do people know the numbers. A few million, a few billion, a few trillion… they all sound like big figures. So if the government saves a few million in one place, will that saving pay for new initiatives costing a few billion elsewhere? Of course not.

I sometimes ask friends how much they think the UK government spends each year, or how big a slice of the UK economy that is, or how much the UK borrows to pay for spending, or which taxes generate most income for the government. Somehow I still have friends, despite this odd habit of mine. By and large, most have no idea. Big number blindness affects even well-informed people. One explanation is that you do not see the most basic numbers about the economy being presented in the news on a regular basis. I guess that may be because such numbers, in normal circumstances, are not very entertaining. Even a news service must be interesting as well as informative. Perhaps journalists, by their nature, tend to be interested in words and not numbers. Maybe the numbers are so large, they become meaningless for most people. When numbers about public sector taxation and spending are given in the news, they are usually presented without any context. If there is context, it usually one with a political slant, or a combination of political slants if the journalist is being impartial in that lazy way of repeating all the conflicting nonsense spouted by political rivals and abdicating to the audience to decide who is guilty of the greater distortion. Rarely do you see simple, uninterpreted, but vital facts. Even when the government presents its budget, most of the reporting seems to focus on mundane daily costs. By this theory, we all live and make decisions from day to day, such as whether to buy a bottle of whisky or fill up our cars. The impression is that we have no idea, or simply do not care, that the size of the economy or the amount the government borrows might have a more lasting impact on our lives than a change in the cost of a pint of beer. There is reporting of interest rates and inflation, but the prevailing tendency seems to be to only mention the metrics where individuals can easily understand the direct impact on their lives. I suppose that no amount of numerical repetition would engage the interest of innumerate people, though I wonder why that does not stop innumerates from having opinions on the economy or where their tax money is spent. So this is me taking a chance on writing possibly the most boring blog post ever. For those of you who care to know, read on for a summary of some of the big numbers relating to the UK economy, government and taxation. For the rest, I am sure ignorant innumeracy is bliss… even though your one vote counts just the same at election time.

Gross Domestic Product: UK£1.26 trillion

Net worth of the UK: UK£6.53 trillion

Largest component of UK net worth: Housing, worth UK£3.92 trillion (60% of the total)

Public expenditure 2007-8: UK£583 billion

Central government expenditure 2007-8: UK£420 billion

Local government expenditure 2007-8: UK£155 billion

Public sector net debt at August 2008: UK£633 billion

Total tax and National Insurance take 2007-8: UK£516 billion

Total tax and NI take broken down by top categories: 28% income tax, 17% NI, 15% VAT, 9% corporation tax

Total social security benefits expenditure 2006-7: UK£133 billion

Total expenditure on health 2006-7: UK£92.7 billion

Total expenditure on defence 2006-7: UK£33.5 billion

Central government gross debt interest 2006-7: UK£27.6 billion

Total expenditure on transport 2006-7: UK£16.4 billion

Transfers to the EC 2006-7: UK£4.7 billion

Total expenditure on international development 2006-7: UK£4.4 billion

Total expenditure on BBC domestic services 2006-7: UK£3.2 billion