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The New Paradigm of Print: Many and Few, Novel and New

Gutenberg and his Bible… The Little Red Book from Mao Zedong… The Guinness Book of Records setting the bestseller record for a copyrighted series of publications… discussing the future of printing using the (gulp) internet. Is the heyday of printing now a footnote of history?

Less paper can add up to more content, if we learn to print only what people want, when they want it. The danger with this argument is that it lends itself to the digital competitors, who might reasonably argue that even less paper equates to even more value. How can printing on paper compete with the instantly updated, interactive and seemingly endless resources of a digitally connected world? It can, in the same way that cinema has persisted despite the arrival of video, and radio has survived the arrival of television.

What is good about the printed word? It can be used without a power supply or technology. It can distributed universally. There is no up-front cost for a special device to read the material with, or to connect to a digital network to obtain it. Because there is no device, there are no costs or risks associated with having a device. Printed material is very transportable in limited amounts. The ‘interface’ for printed content is both well known and well liked by users. Printed material is harder to copy, which is good for the owner of the content, but not necessarily for the user. On the other hand, the printed word has its disadvantages as well. Once printed, there is no way to update the content, an impediment for either correcting errors, issuing new versions or presenting topical information. The communication is one-way only; you can read, but cannot respond. In large volumes, printed material is heavy and bulky. The marginal costs of raw materials and of distribution will be higher for printed material than for digital material. The options for formatting, structuring, and browsing through material are limited; there are no hyperlinks and no search functions.

The future for printing depends on finding compelling business propositions that maximises the advantages of the printed medium and are unaffected by its weaknesses. Reducing wastage will greatly reduce the costs for printing, but selling printed words and pictures has the same fundamental cost disadvantages as selling music on CDs or movies on DVDs. A pile ’em high and sell ’em cheap strategy may slow the decline of sales in printing, but cannot reverse the trend towards digital transmission of content. Using the analysis of generic strategies developed by business thinker Michael Porter, printing will be the loser in a competition based on cost. This leaves the printing business model two options: differentiation or focus on a few select markets.

Focusing on a few select and specialized markets may be viable for small print-oriented businesses, and there are many possible and imaginative uses for printing, but adding a lot of niche markets together is not the same as dominating one big market. There will be room for novelties, like printed albums that capture all the photos of a child as it grows up, personalized gifts, and souvenirs of historical events. However, we should assume that the total time and total expenditure on leisure, entertainment, education and information gathering is not going to change overall, just as people made time for increasing their internet use by reducing the time they spend watching television, which in turn has seen advertising budgets move from one medium to the other. New applications of print technology, devised to entertain and amuse small groups with one-off publications may garner some interest, but they are not likely to generate sizable business models. It is inevitable that much of the content that used to be supplied in printed form will be supplied digitally in future, because it has a cost advantage, and also has some differentiation advantages in terms of the ability to support two-way interaction and to provide rapid and frequent updates of content. For printed material to really thrive in an evolving economy, and to hold on to a significant share of the existing entertainment and knowledge markets, it will have to play to its strengths and support new products that are suitably differentiated and will generate consistent and large-volume demand.

One of the most obvious advantages of printed books is that they make good gifts. They are tangible. They look good on shelves. You can feel the quality of the paper with your fingers. People will keep giving books as gifts simply because it permits them to give something physical, in contrast to the gift of downloaded content. The hardcover, high quality and gift-oriented end of the book market will be relatively protected from the threat of digital incursion. The kind of personalization made possible by printing individual copies for individual customers is a natural complement to this kind of product. Whether offering children’s stories that feature the name of the child, anthologies of love poetry especially selected for the reader, a copy of a classic text with customized footnotes, or printed to suit the reader’s tastes in terms of page size, typeface and style, there are many possibilities. The same kind of bespoke changes could just as easily be delivered digitally, but will be much more attractive and meaningful when delivered within a beautifully bound and printed book. Though this sector of the market can embrace new opportunities presented by micro-publishing and tailoring of its content, its fundamental strategy is defensive in nature; it is about augmenting an established product and maintaining sales in the face of a new competitive entrant.

Digital material would seem to have the advantage when it comes to tailoring the content to suit the reader, because the reader can go online and be selective in what content they get. For example, HP’s Tabbloid allows readers to aggregate their preferred RSS feeds and format them into a printable magazine. The final stage, printing the content, is more of an option than a necessity. However, not all tailoring needs to be done by the reader. Sometimes it can be done for them. Tailoring may be even more important when trying to communicate common messages to a broad cross-section of people, not all of whom will be keen on technology or will chose to read digital content, but where the end same end result can be supported by different specifics to suit different individual tastes. A good example would be campaign materials from political candidates. Politicians are currently not that sophisticated at keeping a track of individual voters and why they vote the way they do, but the frontrunners are making rapid improvements. Instead of candidates tailoring their message to the reflect the issues that seem most important from a poll of people living in an area, what if they tailored the messages to the topics that each individual voter cared most about? A campaign mailshot could highlight the politician’s views on the policies that most interested the individual voter, and could list endorsements from people that the voter most admired. Where the campaign team lacks all the information specific to the individual, the next best guess can be inserted, based on polling and what is known about the voter’s age, job, and any political and social affiliations.

Because internet use is dominated by the model of users ‘pulling’ the content they like from a endless supply of resources, whether paid for or free, it is tempting to try to think of how printing can emulate this approach. However, printing has the disadvantage in terms of both cost and the natural mode for interaction with the recipient, who will tend to be using a digital and connected device of some description. There are many organizations that might want to push content to the user, and would prefer to supply it in a tangible format delivered direct to their home. Vanity publication may represent a growing proportion of print services, as demonstrated by the surge of interest in self-published books and in novelty items like this limited-run newspaper which was given as a gift to friends of its makers. However, the demand for vanity publications will ultimately be limited because the writer’s enthusiasm is unlikely to be matched by that from readers.

Of much greater advantage to printing is the possibility of ‘pushing’ content that might be of interest to the user but where the cost is paid for by the organization wanting to send them promotions and advertising. There are organizations that possess and will want to push content that may be of genuine interest to the recipient, even if the recipients would never think to ask for it. By joining forces, aggregating material, personalizing content and taking on some of the aspects of today’s traditional mass media, they could both cut their costs and offer differentiated content that would be hard to compete with. Consider three currently disparate models: (1) free local newspapers, which are paid for by local adverts, (2) supermarkets, credit card companies and other businesses which regularly gather data about customers, knows where they live, and which may want to push bespoke discount offers to them based on their purchasing habits, and (3) government agencies, transport bodies, and other public services that would like to give information relevant to the specific recipient, depending on such things as whether they hold a driving license, claim welfare benefits, are taxpayers or have children at a particular school. Personalized content could be pulled together to create a local weekly journal without any of the sponsor organizations needing to share any data. Costs would be covered by the commercial organization using the journal for their paid messages. These costs would be lowered because of the economies of scale that come from pooling their efforts with other organizations. Local and personalized content can be padded out by syndicating national and international news. The result would be a news bulletin that tells you about big events in the national news, tells about crime suffered in your neighborhood and investment in your children’s school, includes coupons relevant to the products you buy from the supermarket, and reminds you to submit your tax return. Consider also the benefits to advertisers. A classified advert to sell a used car would only go to those households where somebody has a driver’s license, and the local pizza delivery franchise can send a coupon enticing a known customer to order their favorite pizza. The complexities involved in managing multiple content providers can be ironed out, probably using a mixture of the techniques that local newspapers currently use to sell advertising space and that direct marketing businesses use to manage cost relative to the scale of a promotion. If they are, there is the potential for a genuinely new and attractive print product, made possible by the digital age but uniquely designed for the print medium.

Print will go into inevitable decline if it tries to be a paper-based version of the internet, and will be pushed back into defensible but small niches. A more aggressive approach to finding new products would yield better results. New products should utilize the data available to personalize content, whilst exploiting the advantages of a medium that is still universal in a way that digital media is not yet and may never be. These advantages will be most cheaply delivered to big organizations that want to connect to a very wide cross-section of people in a personal and tangible way. They may be promoting a commercial enterprise or trying to support a community. With intelligent use of print technology, they may find seamless, cost-effective and attractive ways of doing both.

Prejudice With No Name

After a leisurely lunch at the Four Seasons Hotel, looking out across the pool and beach, I found myself in the peculiar position of being unable to leave. The main entrance to the hotel was roped off, holding back fans and autograph hunters. The crowds were drawn to some tall, lean and fit young men, walking across the foyer to the coach waiting outside. Some of the men had nicely shorn hair, but the gap toothed smiles and wonky noses amongst the group told me these were no movie stars. I did not recognize any of the men, but the casual sporting wear finally gave it away. Those men were the Brazilian football team, staying at the Four Seasons Hotel in Doha, off to a training session on the eve of their friendly game against England.

Their bodies may be toned, and their manner relaxed in the style of the rich, pampered and lauded, but there was something distinctly ordinary about these men. And then it struck me. They are famous, and they have that attractiveness that comes from youth and physical fitness, but otherwise they are not handsome. Sport is a bastion of meritocracy. Maradona, Cruyff, and Rooney may have played the beautiful game, but their beauty was in their feet, not their faces. There may be stars like Beckham who are as effective as models as they are as midfielders, but they are the exception. Good looks is the exception for all humans. Ordinary people tend to look ordinary, which is as it should be. In a meritocracy, looks does not matter, but looks do matter in lots of ways in this world. That is why there are billboards showing off Beckham’s briefs, but we will never see one displaying Rooney’s jockey shorts. Is that fair?

There are lots of prejudices with names. Racism, sexism, ageism. Prejudice relating to looks has no name, but of course it exists. We are just not allowed to give it a name, because it is hard to simplify and categorize it. In sport, ability supposedly trumps all, not least because sport has become a business where results pay. But even in sport, that most meritocratic of activities, there is prejudice. Whilst racism is being kicked out of football, more insidious prejudice, like the cult of beauty, is sliding in. When Wimbledon paid more to the winners of the men’s singles than the women’s singles, Tony Blair felt necessary to take time out from starting wars to comment on the unfairness. He and the Williams sisters got their way, and the prize money was equaled up. But nobody can enforce parity in endorsements, where makers of pretty sportswear and jewelery want their wares to be be worn by athletes who are as pretty as they are successful. If the marketeers cannot have both, they will take trade-offs between the two. Money has helped the rise of meritocracy in sport. No fan dislikes a black footballer who scores a thirty goals a season for their team, and the nationality of a match winner is secondary to the joy of defeating a derby rival. Fans pay to see winners, and prizes go to the victors. Yet selling perfumes and lingerie also pays, and hence the rise of the pretty footballers like Beckham. Christiano Ronaldo is hence set to make a lot more money as a good-looking footballer than a goofy but talented individual like Ronaldinho ever will.

Fighting prejudice is important, but the problem with fighting prejudice is that the fight, even more than the prejudice, takes the line of least resistance. Quotas, laws, even the naming of prejudice is easy when the issue is one of black and white, or men and women. When prejudice is subtle, the crude techniques to fight it are powerless. Fashion models that complain about an obsession with size zero and unrealistic body images make a valuable point, but how far does the point go? A woman might have a great body that makes a dress look fabulous, whilst having a face like Carlos Tevez. Such a woman would have less chance of striding down a catwalk than a woman with a nice face but a fuller figure that makes more work for the designer. Why is this inequity tacitly accepted by our society? In a meritocracy your face would not matter, when the customers are supposedly looking at the goods, not the mannequin within them.

Actors are expected to look good. Why is this? It is because, no matter how much actors believe in ‘the method’, the profession of acting is as much about entertaining people as it is about truth, whether that be the truth of the emotion or any other truth. The truth that plenty of people do not look as good as actors takes second place to the truth that people like looking at good-looking people. But what if the audience did not want to look at blacks, or whites, or people of hues between? What if the audience did not want to look at men, or women, or people of a certain height, or age, or listen to people with a certain accent? One approach might be to make an audience looks, but this only begs the question of where prejudice stops, and choice begins.

The fight against prejudice has become much like the fight for organized labour. The evil is supposedly best waged through a union – a group of people with common cause who negotiate for better treatment. Whilst the model appeals because it may be effective, it is flawed. The world will never be fair just because one group of people gets a superior deal relative to another group of people, even if they are just seeking to get what they see others can get. The problem lies not in the disparity between groups, but the existence of groups judged by irrelevant and incidental properties. Pay somebody according to their talents and efforts at their job, not according to their looks or colour. People should be judged by what they do, and what they can do. Despite this simple truth, we accept that we live a world where people are well rewarded to wear clothes and to kick balls. Others spend their lives picking out the most valuable rubbish in heaps of trash. That unfairness is part of the fabric of our lives, so we have become blind to it. I do not much care if someone feels underpaid when winning a sporting tournament, just because they feel the opposite gender gets more for winning the ‘same’ competition, if the prize they get is millions of times more than will ever be earned by someone with the bad luck to be born into poverty. It is bad luck to be born a woman in a man’s world, but it is also bad luck to be born into a poor family in a world that favours the rich. It is wrong to treat women worse than men, but it is easier to set that straight. Tackling an easy challenge is of little merit when gross injustice surrounds us. Some born into this world never get the opportunity to learn a trade, never mind handle a tennis racquet. That is a prejudice too, but one so endemic to our way of life that it has no name.

We live in a world of prejudice. Prejudice based on where somebody is born, prejudice based on who somebody is born to, prejudice based on the colour of the skin they are born into, prejudice based on the wealth inherited from their forbears, prejudice based on their very skin and bones. The debate about prejudice is flawed. You cannot ask a union of people to fight against all prejudice. Any such group will just further their own ends. Unions look after their members, not after the good of all. Tipping the scales may seem like a route to fairness, but none of us are so simple for our lifechances to be only measured on the binary scales of the unions that fight prejudice. Obama is not a black man. Obama is a black-and-white man, yet even he is painted black to suit a polarized debate. There should have been no surprise, though justifiable outrage, when a majority of black Californians voted against gay marriage. The black agenda is the treatment of blacks, not gays, and only a minority will belong to both minority camps. Unions fight for the interests of their members, not for the interest of all.

Rather than measuring people on scales, seeking to equalize them and inevitably getting bored as we tire of the endless categories stretching from religion to sexual orientation, a better approach would be to bar every irrelevant measure. Only then would ugly people get a fair deal, and only then will we see a sustained effort to treat the children of the poor as well as the children of the rich. That is beyond us for now. To achieve it would take a striving for a true equality based on everyone being who they are, and not based on the union they belong to. That may not suit some of the union leaders, so whilst they claim to fight prejudice, they institutionalize prejudice at the same time. It is hard to fight against prejudice that has no name, but vital all the same. Prejudice will only be defeated when there are no unions of common cause any more – only the single union of all mankind with love and respect for all. But if we lived in a world like that, then the Brazilian footballers would not be so rich, and they would be as likely to ask for the autographs, as to give them.

Improbable Bond

In a swish apartment overlooking London’s Docklands, two scriptwriters, Whale and Purview, sit down to discuss ideas for a new James Bond script.

Whale: Okay, the studio wants four exotic locations for this film.

Purview: Only four? They must be cutting back.

Whale: Nah, they’re thinking about global warming. They want a more responsible Bond who thinks about the impact air travel has on the environment.

Purview: Okey Dokey. Let’s have an early scene where ‘M’ tells Bond that MI6 has adopted a carbon neutral policy.

Whale: Yup. Let’s make this some kind of sexy eco-thriller.

Purview: I’m not sure we can. We did the environment with Quantum of Solace and that plot about controlling water supplies and calling the antagonist ‘Greene’ and having him run an ecological business as a front for his criminal activities. Let’s make this film about terrorism instead. That’s topical.

Whale: We did international terrorism in Casino Royale.

Purview: Then what’s it going to be about? We’ve got to keep it topical and relevant.

Whale: How about making it a combo eco-terrorist story. With nukes. Iranian nukes.

Purview: That’s a good idea. Let’s hang on to that. Let’s start with the four locations.

Whale: One hot, one cold, one pricey, one wild.

Purview: St. Petersburg. We should use St. Petersburg as the wintry location.

Whale: The Winter Palace at Winter. Shots of crisp white snow contrasted with lots of lavish opulence with lots of gold and jewels everywhere.

Purview: We cut from a scene with a Bond girl skating on the ice of a frozen river to her putting on her diamonds in the evening.

Whale: Ice and diamonds – I love it. Okay, St. Petersburg works for me. We can have a Russian oligarch as the baddie. Yeah – good. Now what about the hot location?

Purview: I don’t we should actually set it in Iran. It would be too sensitive to have Bond going there undercover. How about doing a segment in Jamaica?

Whale: Bond’s been to the Caribbean so often that the audience will expect him to end up speaking like a West Indian.

Purview: Western Samoa?

Whale: Nobody knows where that is.

Purview: Nobody knows why you’d build a swanky hotel in the middle of the Bolivian desert but that’s what we wrote into the last script. What about Rio de Janeiro?

Whale: Puh-lease. Pictures of girls in skimpy bikinis and guys juggling footballs. So corny.

Purview: Somewhere in the Middle East then.

Whale: Not a bad idea. Bond can be involved in a chase through a shopping mall in Dubai. He pushes past a lot of Arabs all dressed in white. The baddie’s henchman is dressed in white too, so Bond momentarily loses sight of him in the crowd… I’m liking this idea. Lots of opportunity for product placement, as he throws the henchman through the window of a Louis Vuitton shop. Plus they’ll pay top dollar for the boost to tourism. We can have a scene with Bond flying off the top of that fancy ‘sail’ hotel using a one-man helicopter pack on his back.

Purview: I like it. We’ve done rocket packs before, but not helicopter packs. As he helicopters down, Bond can set off some smoke flares, leaving a red, white and blue trail in the skies.

Whale: What about the glamour location?

Purview: New York. Perhaps we could stage a shootout in Grand Central Station. The crowd screaming, people leaping over ticket barriers and Bond having a fight on the roof of a subway train.

Whale: Nah. We’ve got to cut back. And Dubai can double as the pricey location as well as the hot one. We should do somewhere in the UK. You know, to fit with the ecologically responsible ‘staycation’ theme.

Purview: How about Bond spends a weekend youth hosteling in the Lake District? He could encounter a hiking troupe of Swedish beauties, and bed them all during a wet afternoon under canvas.

Whale: I’m thinking more along the lines of Blackpool. Bond slides down a cable from Blackpool Tower whilst chasing an assassin.

Purview: Blackpool?

Whale: Blackpool. It can work. They’re making it more upmarket these days.

Purview: Perhaps. What if the assassin garrotes his victim from behind, just as they’re looping the loop on the rollercoaster at Blackpool Pleasure Beach?

Whale: That’s a great idea. I love it.

Purview: We just the need the fourth location now. We should think about somewhere really different, somewhere nowhere like Bond’s been before.

Whale: The moon.

Purview: Too far.

Whale: Slough.

Purview: Not far enough.

Whale: Outer Mongolia.

Purview: Too barren, just like Slough.

Whale: Australia.

Purview: Too Australian. Then again, perhaps the nuke can be hidden under Uluru.

Whale: Sorry?

Purview: Uluru – Ayers Rock. They hide the nukes under Ayers Rock so the satellites cannot detect the radioactive signature, or something like that.

Whale: Brilliant. So far we’ve got a plot where Bond’s having a staycation in Blackpool, his old Navy buddy is murdered on the rollercoaster whilst Bond is in the queue for candyfloss, the murderer escapes but resurfaces in St. Petersburg, employed by some super-rich oligarch. His old buddy was entwined in the oligarch’s business interests in Dubai. Bond investigates, realizing it’s a cover operation involved in smuggling nukes out of Tehran. The nukes get hidden under Ayers Rock, where they will be auctioned to the representatives of a variety of rebel nations. And Bond has casual sex with a woman he picks up in Blackpool, shags a Russian beauty in the Winter Palace and then bonks her again in Australia, but only after he does the identical twin PAs to the chief auctioneer.

Purview: That’s the basic plot resolved. We need some more gadgets to add to the heli-pack.

Whale: What about an invisible car?

Purview: Ridiculous. Imagine how many accidents you would have driving an invisible car on the road. People would keep hitting you in the tail.

Whale: And I remember we had one already – in Die Another Day. Maybe we should give the bad guy a gadget. Like an electro suit. And Bond can kill him by pressing a big red self-destruct button placed right in the middle of the suit’s chest plate.

Purview: That was in Die Another Day too.

Whale: The bad guy should have a gun which fires only one bullet, because he’s that good.

Purview: And what if he’s being attacked by two people? He waits until they’re lined up, one behind the other? Anyhow, The Man With the Golden Gun had only one bullet in his gun.

Whale: Okay. How about the bad guy has a fetish for Bond and keeps a mannequin of him in his lair? Then Bond can take the dummy’s place and catch the baddie by surprise.

Purview: That was in The Man With The Golden Gun too. Roger Moore was so wooden it was hard to tell which one was the mannequin. We should think about having some kind of space weapon. They’re very sexy, in a sci-fi style.

Whale: No. Definitely not. You Only Live Twice. Diamonds are Forever. Moonraker. Goldeneye and Die Another Day. Space weapons have been done to death.

Purview: Let’s leave the gadgets for now. Gadgets are passé anyway. We should talk about some set pieces.

Whale: Bond should invite himself to the nuke auction. He quickly drops the pretence as the baddies know who he is anyway. They’ll put him up for a couple of nights in the lavish guest facilities and the Bond’s oligarch antagonist allows him to sleep with his woman, before eventually deciding to kill him. Bond survives and blows the whole place up, leaving the Nukes safely buried underneath Ayers Rock.

Purview: Of course. That all goes without saying. We need Bond’s antagonist to have a sidekick with a special weapon or skill.

Whale: Killer hats.

Purview: Oddjob in Goldfinger.

Whale: Killer teeth.

Purview: Jaws in The Spy Who Loved Me.

Whale: Killer thighs.

Purview: Xenia Onatopp in Goldeneye.

Whale: Killer fishing rod.

Purview: Mayday in View to a Kill.

Whale: Killer moustache.

Purview: That would be new. How would it work?

Whale: A gay guy soaks his moustache in poison. It gives off fumes that would kill Bond if he kisses him.

Purview: I’m pretty sure that’s not been filmed before.

Whale: We need some good action scenes.

Purview: Bond is chasing the sidekick in Blackpool, but he escapes and makes a dramatic getaway.

Whale: By miniature jet plane.

Purview: Done before, in Octopussy.

Whale: By stealth boat.

Purview: That was in Tomorrow Never Dies.

Whale: By bobsled.

Purview: Check out On Her Majesty’s Secret Service.

Whale: By lunar rover.

Purview: See Diamonds are Forever.

Whale: Sliding downhill on a cello case.

Purview: That’s how Bond escapes in The Living Daylights.

Whale: Hot air balloon.

Purview: What kind of ridiculous getaway vehicle would a hot air balloon make? It slowly floats on the wind, there is no way to control its direction, is in plain view to everyone and can easily be followed by the cops who just need to wait until it comes back down to ground. It’s a silly idea. Plus it has been done already, in The World is Not Enough.

Whale: Phew. What’s left?

Purview: Bus. The sidekick jumps on the number 42 bus. Bond would give chase but his car is stuck in terrible congestion. That fits with the environmentally-conscious theme. M can then give her spiel about MI6 going carbon neutral when Bond returns to the office and debriefs.

Whale: After which, Q gives Bond a special folding bicycle to use on future missions.

Purview: Good idea, and its the extra gadget we were looking for.

Whale: Exactly.

Purview: I think we’re nearly there. We just need to write a few double entendres. Bond is as ‘hard’ as Ayers Rock. Bond is as ‘hard’ as Blackpool rock. That kind of thing.

Whale: Yeah, and we need a title. How about ‘Golden Day for the Kill’?

Purview: ‘Tomorrow’s the Day I Licence to Die’.

Whale: ‘Diamonds Never Die’.

Purview: ‘Dr. Thunderfinger’.

Whale: ‘A View to a Killing Licence, in Gold’.

Purview: ‘The Spy Who Came in from the Gold’.

Whale: ‘Her Majesty’s Secret Solace’.

Purview: ‘The Spy with a Love Licence from Russia’.

Whale: ‘Moonfingering the Octopussy’.

Purview: ‘Eye Spy Golden Die’.

Whale: ‘Die Today, Kill Tomorrow’.

Purview: ‘The Spy Who Kills in Gold Blood’.

Whale: ‘Live to Kill Another Day’.

Purview: ‘Licence to Live, Dying to Kill’.

Whale: ‘Never Say Die’.

Purview: That’s it. ‘Never Say Die’. That’s our title.

Whale: You know, sometimes I think we should try to be more original. But after twenty-two Bond films, what would be the point? ‘Never Say Die’ – we’ll make another killing at the box office…

Spellcheck Serendipity

Time was that if you typed:

“I’d like to throttle Bill Gates for his monopolistic business practices”

into Microsoft Word and then checked the phrase against its built-in thesaurus, it offer the following phrase in response:

“I’ll drink to that”.

Theories about fifth columnists within Gates’ business empire were unfounded. A few quick experiments was enough to demonstrate that any phrase beginning with “I’d like to” would generate the line “I’ll drink to that”. With any dumb string match, comparing a sequence of letters to similar sequences within a database, there is the potential for serendipity. Those suggested substitutes of similar letters may deliver unexpected but revealing meaningful commentaries on the world around us. Take the German philosopher Martin Heidegger as an example. He was one of the most original thinkers of the 20th century. Heidegger wrote cryptic texts that are almost unreadable, crammed full of familiar old words given esoteric new meanings. How appropriate then, that the spellchecker returns ‘headgear’ in response to the Heidegger’s surname. This was a man who turned people’s minds inside out and stuffed them with new mental apparatus – metaphorical head-gear if ever there was.

More modern examples of spellcheck serendipity include the name of seemingly the world’s most popular man, Barack Obama. The spellchecker thinks his name should be ‘bema’, which means a raised platform in a synagogue from which the Torah is read. Obama is not Jewish, but he does have quite a way with delivering sermons. Obama’s erstwhile and would-be future opponent, the Republican Sarah Palin, generates some rather more straightforward hits. The word ‘pain’ is offered, perhaps referring to feelings she inspires in so many. ‘Palling’ is offered, which reflects the diminishing support for her as a result of her never-ending gaffs and scandals. Another suggestion is ‘plaint’ which means protest or complaint, something which has become the raison d’être for Palin with respect to Obama’s plans for health care. The spellchecker also has an eye for current affairs on the British side of the Atlantic. Foreign Secretary David Milliband’s name prompts the response of ‘mulligan’, meaning a do-over shot in golf. Milliband looks set to lose his job as British Foreign Secretary, should Labour lose the general election as expected. However, this week we discovered he is on the list for that most ideal do-over for failed European politicians – a plumb job with the EU. In Milliband’s case he may be offered another Foreign Secretary position, but this time for the whole of Europe. What a ‘mulligan’ that would be for a man who was mediocre at playing the same role for Britain.

Casting an eye over the rest of the world, we find that destiny may have played a hand in forcing Afghan President Hamid Karzai to run in a second election after overwhelming evidence of polling fraud in the first. The spellchecker proposes ‘karma’ for Karzai. We should all hope that Iraqi Primeminister Nouri al-Maliki will live up to spellchecker’s suggestion and be the man to ‘nourish’ his troubled nation back to health and prosperity. Spellchecker is less optimistic when it comes to the Far East. It fears that Chinese vice-premier Xi Jinping, likely to become China’s leader in 2012, might be ‘jinxing’ the hopes for progressive reform in the world’s largest country.

Turning to the stars of screen and stage, spellchecker seems to regularly hit the nail on the head. Angelina Jolie is doubtless ‘jolly’ about being married to Brad Pitt, loaded with cash, surrounded by children of all hues and adored the world over. The spelling suggestion for Beyonce is ‘become’, a very appropriate choice for someone whose manners and dress are always becoming. Mick Jagger has for many years been a ‘jigger’ on the stage, given his jerky dancing moves. And Johnny Depp’s film career may deservedly be described as both ‘deep’ and ‘dippy’, especially when he collaborates with director Tim Burton.

It was with trepidation that I completed my exercise in contrived serendipity by reading the spellchecker’s runes for myself. Typing my own surname into MS Word, I discovered spellchecker identifies me as a ‘prizeman’. I may not have received any awards yet, but I will interpret the sign from spellchecker as a very good omen…

The Tao of Sporting Punditry

When an accident occurred during an F1 Grand Prix, Murray Walker, the motor racing commentator would sometimes tell the audience “we can’t see what’s happened from where we’re sat.” The reason Walker could not tell who came off at turn 11 of the Hungaroring is that he was in a BBC studio in England, watching the same television pictures as everyone else. Therein lies the irony of sports commentary. The purpose is to tell you what is happening. Apart from when listening on the radio, the same goal can be realized by using your own eyes. But watching television sport without commentary is like watching a modern-day movie made in black and white. Some people will never overcome that gnawing feeling that something is missing.

For the most popular sports, commentary has expanded exponentially. The commentator, once the lynchpin of television sports presentation, is now a bit part player. Time was that you used to only hear commentary, talk about events as they happen. Now every major sport is immersed in talk about what will happen before it does, and talk about why it happened after. Commentary is submerged in punditry. When once a retired footballer would buy a pub and serve stale beer to his hangers-on, he now learns to wear a tie with an enormous knot, gets media training, and reinvents himself as a television personality.

As a consequence of the shift from talking about events as they happen, to just talking, the entrance qualifications for talking about sport have changed. It used to be necessary to be good at talking. Time was to work in media, you had to be able to continuously say something interesting and coherent in response to changing events. Now, the major qualification is to have once been a sportsperson. The idea is that having been a sportsperson, you have some special insight on the events. That may be true to a point, but most sports people are individuals with exceptional gifts of strength, stamina, speed, balance and agility. That does not mean they have two brain cells to rub together, had the foggiest idea what they were doing, why they were good at it, or the least bit of ability to explain it to others. Thanks to this trend, it is not unusual to hear halftime conversations that go something like the following…

Steve: Gary, do you think the blues will be happy coming in one-nil up?

Gary: Yes, Steve. But they’d have been happier to be two-nil up, no doubt about it.

Steve: It’s been one of those halves where the team on top is the one that takes its chances.

Gary: You’ve got to take your chances when you’re playing at this level. Albion didn’t take their chances. The blues did take their chance. The funny thing was that the lad took what was the hardest of the chances he had, after missing three or four easy ones.

Steve: Once again, it all comes down to taking your chances…

Gary: It does, Steve. And not just chances but half-chances. Sometimes you don’t even get a chance, so you’ve got to take your half-chances too.

Steve: And Albion didn’t make many chances.

Gary: No. To make chances you’ve got to take a chance or two. They’re sending in balls from deep and the defenders will gobble them up all day and night. The blues are working hard and they’re making it hard for Albion and that’s what we saw right from the kick-off, right up to when the ref blew his whistle and they came in for halftime. To be fair to Albion, the blues have played with two solid lines of four in defence and midfield, and they’ve not let Albion have a chance in this game.

Steve: Albion have shown they can make chances in their other games.

Gary: They have, and I’m sure that’s what the gaffer is telling the boys right now. The final ball’s let them down, but with the chances they’ve made in other games, you’ve got to back them to score sooner or later. But at this rate, it might not be today. Saying that, we’ve seen games like this turn in an instant and like the great Brian Clough used to say: it only takes a second to score a goal. Another goal, from either side, will definitely change the game.

Steve: What else do you think the manager’s telling Albion in their halftime talk?

Gary: I think he’s probably saying that there’s no need to panic. They’ve got forty-five minutes to come back. They need to be patient and find a way to inject some more urgency in their passing and overall play. They’ve not been the top team so far, but even the bottom team can be the top team on any given day in this league. We’ve seen it many times before, but I’d be surprised if we see it today. The main thing is they need to score first to get back into the game.

Steve: If they go two down, it’ll be a mountain to climb back.

Gary: That’s right Steve. They’ve done well for a newly-promoted team, but they really need to score first to stand a chance in the second half. If they go two down then you’ve got to think they’re out of it. But with the goalscorers they’ve got, they can never be ruled out completely.

Steve: Is it too soon to make a change?

Gary: I don’t think they need to make a change. The young lad on the wing is causing them problems when he runs at his opposite number. He just needs better delivery into the box. The strikers aren’t getting fed and if you don’t feed them they become invisible. There was a ten minute spell when the guys upfront looked bright and seemed to be getting on the front foot but the rest of the time they’ve not got their foot on the ball and that’s why they can’t get a foothold in this game.

Steve: That’s the game of football for you. Now what about the referee – is he having a good game?

Gary: There’s been some tackles flying in which makes it hard but he’s keeping the game flowing which the fans like to see.

Steve: And the penalty shout?

Gary: Definitely not a penalty. He won the ball cleanly and the lad went over too easy for my liking. If you’re going to criticize the ref you have to question why he didn’t give a yellow card for simulation. This ref never tends to hand out many cards unlike other refs, which I like to see, but makes the players very confused. The players are crying out for more consistency. That’s all that anyone can ask from the men in black. If a player falls that dramatically in the box, and it’s not a penalty, you’ve got to card him. We’ve seen them given in other games and it’s the lack of consistency that makes it hard for players to tell what are the rules on pretending to be fouled in the box. They just want to know what the rules are and if they’re allowed to pretend to be fouled in order to win a penalty decision. The refs really need to sit down together and decide what the rule’s supposed to be so players know where they stand when falling over in the penalty area.

Steve: Do you think they might throw on Hobson, who’s not played for six weeks but is fit enough to sit on the bench?

Gary: Hobson gives them something different. The question is his sharpness. Without playing he won’t be sharp but you don’t get sharp unless you’re playing. I wouldn’t be surprised if he doesn’t come on until the last ten minutes, especially if they’re still down.

Steve: And what do you think of the blues’ new signing, the lad Kinzamann from Kaiserslautern?

Gary: He came here with a big reputation but I’m disappointed, to be honest. It looks like he’s struggling to keep up with the pace of an English derby game. This isn’t a derby game but it’s as good as a derby game.

Steve: I think the teams are about thirty-five miles apart. It’s not technically a derby game, but I know what you mean. It’s just like a derby game with everyone running around at a hundred miles an hour. And Albion would only have spent a half hour on the team coach, coming down the motorway this morning.

Gary: There’s a lot of huff and puff. There’s a lot of commitment on show. Typical English game with everyone diving in, hard tackles and no time on the ball. It’s what makes our football so entertaining to watch. Some of these new foreign players struggle to adjust to the pace when they first arrive. But the lad Kinzamann had that moment early on when he showed he’s got some silky skills, so I’m hoping he’ll be better in the second half.

Steve: Would either team be satisfied with a draw?

Gary: I don’t think so. This game’s a six-pointer. If it’s a draw, then the teams only get two points between them and that means they’ve both lost a potential four points. Even at this stage of the season, you can’t afford to drop four points in a single game.

Steve: Every game counts.

Gary: It does. There’s thirty-eight games in a season, not ten games or six games or twelve games but thirty-eight games in a season. And that’s not counting cup competitions. I think they’ll both be glad that they’re not in Europe which would mean even more games.

Steve: This league’s a marathon.

Gary: Exactly. These days, football is literally a marathon. That’s what makes the result in every single game so much more important. That’s why they’re playing this league game like it’s a cup game. In the league what matters is how many games you win and how many you draw. You can’t afford too many loses so you’ve got to aim to win every game, especially these games because you can’t expect to win against the top four. But with the blues at home, they know they’ve got to beat a side like Albion to stay up, and so far they are beating them which is all the fans can ask for.

Steve: The game might be unlocked by that little bit of skill or a mistake in the last ten minutes.

Gary: If the game is still one-nil going into the final ten minutes, then what happens in those ten minutes could definitely change the result in a big way. And then there’s stoppage time too.

Steve: So they’ll both be trying to win.

Gary: I’d bet my shirt on it.

Steve: And it looks like an expensive shirt too.

Gary: [Laughs] Thanks Steve.

It is tempting to denigrate the low end of punditry, but the high end of pre and post match analysis is now supported by an extraordinary array of technology. Pundits like Andy Gray of Sky’s Football coverage, and John Madden when talking about American Football, are now supported by gizmos that make even Bill Gates drool with envy. They have chalkboards, replays, hawkeyes, highlighters, snickometers, speed measurers and even computer simulations to help explain such basic things as how one team managed to score despite the best efforts of the other team to stop them. The investment in technology is so impressive, you have to assume there has been a knock-on stimulus to other sectors, in the same way that the space race resulted in teflon pans and pens that write upside down. Right now you imagine there is an American general somewhere in Afghanistan, marking on a touch sensitive screen the plans for how his team of troopers will make a touchdown run into Al Qaeda’s endzone.

Whilst some pundits have masterful analytical skills of a kind that were sorely lacking at Lehmann Brothers, the average pundit has descended to the level of former sports stars who can be trusted to dress smartly, speak coherently and avoid getting drunk until the show has finished. But then, they did let Gazza have a go at it, so even those expectations are not universal. More and more televised football games has created such a vacuum for former footballers that even Stan Collymore gets to share his insights with the rest of us. If even can talk sense about football, perhaps he should have told himself to score more goals during those long years of underachievement out on the pitch.

Journalists have been frozen out and their skills are no longer needed in front of camera, thanks to the seemingly endless rise of the professional sportsperson and amateur personality. The idea that being good at a sport is correlated to being knowledgeable or understanding a sport is laughable, as demonstrated by the modest playing careers of coaches Arsène Wenger and José Mourinho. That makes no difference to the television producers, who want stars with name recognition. Knowing what you are talking about is a secondary consideration. The problem for the stars is that they must eventually wane, and make room for the more recently retired. Only an organization like the BBC has the charity to keep Garth Crooks in work, and former footballer and pundit Gavin Peacock saw the writing on the wall and decided to pursue a higher calling, studying divinity and training for his new vocation with the church. As they get older, the bigger stars realize that anecdotes about their old sport and old chums tend to age as well as George Best’s liver. Lineker had the sense to diversify the range of sports shows he hosted, and Ian Wright diversified into mainstream light entertainment. Amidst all the hard-headed business nous, there is less of the engaging whimsy and eccentricity that makes Peter Alliss the Wogan of golf or made Murray Walker the Norman Wisdom of motorsports.

Occasionally, though, sheer numbers will deliver an unusual new flavour amidst the rotten apples that dominate punditry. When Mark Lawrenson reformed his double act with Alan Hansen, migrated from the centreback pairing of Anfield to the sofa pairing of Match of the Day, he seemed like Hansen-lite in every respect. Most of the time he made crappy self-indulgent chit chat about historical episodes in his life and those of the fellow players around him. Entertaining this may be, but relevant to presenting sporting highlights, it is not. Lawro’s witticisms were reminiscent of Richard Whiteley on a bad day. But as the anecdotes have run out, a new Lawrenson has emerged so seamlessly that it is impossible to identify where the transition began.

I first noticed the new Lawrenson when he was moved from the comfort of the studio settee to being the live commentary sidekick of John Motson. Normally sidekicks are there to pick up the slack with some knowing insights when the principal commenter needs a respite or someone to bounce off, or when the action lulls. They barely need to watch the game, and only need to come out with all those staple clichés that can only be excused because the former player has been there and done that. Lawrenson’s approach was radically different. He watched the game and talked about it. And he really did watch it. Whilst the normal viewer is befuddled why Motson is clueless about the events on the pitch (‘the ref’s blown the whistle, I’m not sure what for…’) Lawrenson would know perfectly what was going on (‘the ball flicked up off the midfielder’s heel and it struck the right back on the hand’). On top that, after all the lazy self-indulgent matey chat in the studio, putting Lawrenson next to Motson, and making Lawro talk about real events in a crisp manner as they unfold, has revealed a command of language at least the equal of the Scouse defender’s command of the offside trap. Lawro not only knows what the word ‘perfunctory’ means, something that cannot be said of many professional and university-educated people, but he is unafraid to use it. On returning to the sofa, Lawrenson has now cut the smalltalk, let the vocabulary off the leash, and found the way to weld information to entertainment. At one time, Lawrenson made even Ian Wright seem profound. Lawrenson is now the Hemmingway of pundits, except with added quips. Which goes to show that sports punditry, like so many other things, can sometimes be a game of two halves.

News is No News

If I told you what I did today, you probably would be left unimpressed. Rather obviously, I spent a part of today writing a blog. Let us avoid any metaphysical musings of over whether the blog-writing should be described in the past or present tense, and move on to some of the other things I did today.

“¢ Waking up.
“¢ Eating a Belgian chocolate biscuit purchased from Marks & Spencer.
“¢ Suggesting ways to highlight public opposition to the extradition of Gary McKinnon
“¢ Watching Aston Villa play Chelsea on the television.
“¢ Flossing.
“¢ Asking if the water supply had been turned off.
“¢ Resending an email twice.
“¢ Surprising someone whilst they cleaned the toilet.

This list is neither sequential, nor exhaustive. Apart from the tenuous connection to Gary McKinnon’s plight, none of it could be considered newsworthy. But who determines the worth in the newsworthy? Not me. Everything listed above is news, at least per the Merriam-Webster definition of ‘news’:

Main Entry: news
Pronunciation: \ˈnüz, ˈnyüz\
Function: noun plural but singular in construction
Usage: often attributive
Date: 15th century

1 a : a report of recent events b : previously unknown information [I’ve got news for you] c : something having a specified influence or effect [the rain was good news for lawns and gardens “” Garrison Keillor] [the virus was bad news]
2 a : material reported in a newspaper or news periodical or on a newscast b : matter that is newsworthy

What I did is news. I mean, none of what I did was reported in a newspaper or news periodical or on a newscast. But it would be rather circular to assert that something cannot be news until it has been reported in a news outlet. That would mean news journalists could only find out what to report by checking what has been reported elsewhere. Which is probably how some of them work, but we can skip that topic for now. What I did was news because the events were recent and you did not know about them (assuming you are not party to the creeping surveillance society and that none of you were spying on me earlier today). News can be news even though you might not feel it newsworthy. If you had to tell a child that their dog had died, it would certainly constitute news, but there is no demand to extend newspaper obituary pages to cover pets.

The worthiness of the newsworthy is subjective. I defy anyone to watch a 24-hour news channel for a full 24 hours without questioning the inclusion of at least one story. The news supposedly relates the latest about the important and the interesting, but important and interesting to whom? Both the Financial Times and The Sun report news, but there are few stories in common. A lot of people are upset by the death of Stephen Gately. However, I feel no better informed because I now know the name of a Boyzone singer whose life I had largely been unaware of. I have no particular reason to know more about his funeral arrangements than those of the thirty-eight who died because of the Lahore attacks a few days later.

The significance of entertainment news stems from the fact people care about being entertained. But entertainment news is now a misnomer. Nowadays, almost all news is entertainment. Real news might consist of the announcement of the wedding of friends, the loss of a family member or a change in the law that changes the way you do your job. It is unlikely that the news will never tell you this news. The news only tells people what is relevant to them when talking about changes in taxes or the latest reform of education policy. Traffic congestion only gets reported when people are already stuck in traffic jams, and nobody finds out they have been hit by a power blackout by switching on the TV. Mass media news is dominated by stories that people find interesting despite, or perhaps because, of their irrelevance to the personal circumstances of the audience. Newspapers could be better described as stuffpapers because they tell the story of how stuff happens. Rupert Murdoch’s News Corp might be better entitled Gossip Corp because of how much it spends on generating speculation. And if the US had proper laws to stop false advertising, then the Fox News network would now be called the ‘Why Anyone Who Voted for Obama is Wrong Network’.

There is another common observation that much of what fills news output is not news but commentary. But after a blog post commenting on how there is no news in the news, I cannot complain about that.

Humble Bill Says No Nobble Of Nobel

Yesterday I received another letter from Prince Karl Zeis, member of the royal house of Delfthia, and long-time fan of Halfthoughts. Prince Karl often hobnobs with the world’s elite. But I was flabbergasted by the contents of his latest missive. Opening up the envelope, I first found a short note scribbled by Prince Karl in his own hand, which read as follows…

Dear Eric,

I think you will enjoy this. With his wife so busy overseas, these days William can be relied upon to diligently keep up his correspondence. But even I was surprised that he wrote back so promptly, and I think it would do no harm if you shared this with your readers. William is such a good sport. If I was him, I think I might be a tad narked, if not positively fuming. Enjoy!

Yours Sincerely,

Prince Karl Zeis of the Royal House of Delfthia

Enc.

There were also a photocopied page within the envelope. I unfolded it, and I saw this, a letter to the Prince from Bill Clinton, former US President! The text of the letter went as follows:

October 9, 2009

Dear Prince Karl,

It’s great, as always, to hear from you. Before I go any further, let me clarify one thing. I believe you misheard me during our last phone conversation. I said the United States was now Obama’s nation, not an abomination. I have full confidence that the President will soon get this big deficit under control and turn the economy around, making it every bit as strong as when I left office.

To answer your first question, it brings me great pleasure that President Obama, my wife’s boss (or is that my boss’s boss?) was honoured by the Nobel Peace Prize committee. He deserves it, and I asked Hilary to pass on my congratulations next time she’s briefed on how to support all his extraordinary diplomatic efforts. Barack’s a real peacemaker, as he showed when he went back on those things that were said by his campaign team about me being a racist and about Hilary’s foreign policy credentials being exaggerated. The extraordinariness of his efforts are beyond question. He did more in his first two weeks in the Oval Office than I did in two terms. It took me eight years to cut our nuclear warheads by a third. My biggest multilateral accomplishment was a ban on nuclear arms testing “” and that was with jolly old Boris Yeltsin on the other side of the negotiating table. Boris loved a drink and a laugh. In contrast, Obama plans to rid the world of nukes and he’s going to do it by disputin’ Putin, and disarmin’ Ahmadinejad. If that ain’t extraordinary, I don’t know what is. In recognition of the extraordinary goals he set himself, it’s proper that the Nobel committee give him some extraordinary encouragement up front, meaning the award of the Nobel Prize so early in Barack’s Presidency is not extraordinary at all, but really very ordinary.

Admit it, Karl, your second question is a little cheeky. No, I don’t feel left out. Jimmy Carter proved he’s a nut for diplomacy, and Al Gore turned a boring Powerpoint presentation into one heck of a popcorn movie. I can tell you I’ve seen Al’s film twice and I didn’t fall asleep on either occasion, whereas I normally read Al’s books in bed for precisely the opposite effect. I don’t deserve an award. All I ever did was help free some journalists in North Korea, sent the US military into former Yugoslavia because Blair and the Europeans couldn’t stop the genocide by themselves, was the first President to visit Vietnam since the war and tried to bring peace between the Palestinians and Israelis with the Oslo Accords. So no, I don’t think that Friday’s announcement in Oslo by the Norwegian Nobel Committee means they’ve forgotten what I did. You can’t assume that just because you’re a Democrat and a President that the Nobel prize is a foregone conclusion. The Norwegians are obviously thinking ahead to the lasting peace that Obama is sure to deliver in the Middle East, and the hope and inspiration he brings to everyone in Africa. I got my ass kicked when those Somalis shot down our Black Hawks, so I’m guessing Obama’s family ties will be the magic ingredient necessary to foster reconciliation all over his dad’s continent. Let’s hope Nobel runner-up Morgan Tsvangirai is equally inspired by the example of Obama’s tireless self-sacrifice. Poor Morgan lost his wife and grandson in those unfortunate accidents earlier this year, but I’m sure he was cheered up when Barack talked about how the Obama family had helped to put this relatively unimportant award into perspective.

Yup, it’s not easy to spread peace in this world. I tried my best, but too many people objected to how I did it. To my mind, peace and loving must go together. Thing was, people said that when it came to the loving, I was a bit too hands-on!

Sincerely,

Bill Clinton

So there you have it. Congratulations to Barack Obama on winning the Nobel Peace Prize. Like Winston Churchill once said, “to jaw-jaw is always better than to war-war”. There is no doubt that, so far, Barack Obama has kept his end of the bargain.

Lily Allen: The New Arthur Scargill

Enjoy this blog as a podcast here or at iTunes.

George Orwell wrote about Salvador Dali:

“One ought to be able to hold in one’s head simultaneously the two facts that Dali is a good draughtsman and a disgusting human being. The one does not invalidate or, in a sense, affect the other. The first thing that we demand of a wall is that it shall stand up. If it stands up, it is a good wall, and the question of what purpose it serves is separable from that. And yet even the best wall in the world deserves to be pulled down if it surrounds a concentration camp. In the same way it should be possible to say, ‘This is a good book or a good picture, and it ought to be burned by the public hangman.’ Unless one can say that, at least in imagination, one is shirking the implications of the fact that an artist is also a citizen and a human being.”

In recent weeks, I have been struck by an analogy. Professional musicians are turning into new miners. I do not mean that they squeeze into dark holes and come out all sweaty and dirty, though I am sure plenty of them do. I mean that they are embarking on a great struggle, but one I think they have no hope of winning.

Twenty-five years ago, the coalminers of Britain’s National Union of Mineworkers (NUM) went on strike. They fought bitterly and they were desperate, but ultimately the strike ended in shattering defeat. They were not without popular support. Pictures of Police brutally clashing with pickets gained them favour, though this was balanced by stories of the harassment meted out to the strikebreakers who went back to work. In the public consciousness, the miners were defeated by an implacable opponent: Prime minister Margaret Thatcher. In the Ridley Plan, her colleagues had already outlined some of the essential steps to be successful when faced by a national strike by the coalminers. These included building up stocks of coal in advance and contingency planning for the import of coal at short notice. There was no doubt that the easiest way to envision the strike was as a battle of wills between Thatcher and the NUM’s leader, Arthur Scargill. The reality, though, is a little subtler.

Thatcher made vital decisions that allowed her to successfully confront the miners, instead of caving in to their demands for fear of power cuts, but she also had more powerful forces on her side: the tide of economic necessity. Put simply, British coal was more expensive than other fuels available for power generation. Cutting the cost of national subsidies would make it easier for Thatcher to cut taxes. Cutting the cost of electricity bills would reduce the cost of living and hence also buy her support. In a democracy, a major national strike needs to be seen in terms of overall imperatives. A politician that delivers power cuts is unlikely to maintain popular support, but a politician that delivers reduced taxes and reduced household bills is likely to gain support. It is a simple equation, but no less valid for its simplicity. Thatcher made a political calculation, and it paid off for her. In contrast, Scargill made the wrong calculation, and the cost of that error was the subsequently more vicious dismemberment of the British coal industry.

Recording artists are embarking on a similar crusade to that of the miners. Like miners, they have long depended on the state’s institutions. They do not work for a nationalized industry like the coalminers did, but they do rely upon an economic model that needs to be upheld by laws that are especially favourable to them. For most of the population, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery, but that flattery is the only recompense available when the product of your mind is copied by someone else. Most ideas cannot be patented, or copyrighted, or trademarked, or protected in any other way. Though it is called intellectual property, the ‘intellectual’ element of such property is very narrowly defined, so that there can be a useful test and way to enforce laws that control who can exploit it for economic gain. If I copy an exact string of words I infringe copyright, but not if I relay the gist of a story. I break the law if I repeat a song note for note without giving the compensation due to the rights owner, but I do not break the law if I am inspired to write a similar song. This imbalance between the laws that govern exact copies and the absence of laws to govern similarity tends to favour people who already have wealth and power and can therefore have privileged access to distribution networks. The wealth and power of successful recording artists depends on a pillar maintained by the state, the institutions of law and order that govern what we may or may not do. Without copyright law, and the levers of the state necessary to enforce it, there would be no copyright infringement and no way to make money from owning copyright. But like the coalminers, there is an economic threat that musicians now face, and just like the miners, they are unwilling to do so. They have also slipped into the same trap as the miners, insisting that their fight is a moral one, when the truth is that the battleground is the economy.

The law only works if the great majority of people are willing to abide by it. The wonder of democracy is that we can replace governments without bloodletting, but even the worst tyrant can be overthrown. Authority for every law, every institution of the state, depends on the acceptance of the people. The horror of Orwell’s 1984 is that the state might penetrate not just into your home, but into your mind, in order to control you. We expect some things to be inviolable, including our own minds. That there are limits to law is a maxim. Where to draw those limits is a question of practicality as well as morality and economics. Like any other practicality, the answer to the question can change because of new circumstances. We find that through history, it is often morality that changes to suit practicality, and not the other way around. Nuclear stockpiles to kill every human are morally repugnant, but we can expect more and more nations to join the nuclear club for purely practical reasons, and the moral justification is always the same: “if them, why not us?” Cloning, slavery, education and child labour, pensions and the treatment of the elderly, democracy, feudalism, the role of women in the workplace – all have been the subject of moral debates and all of those debates are seen through the prism of what is practical at any given point in time. As practicalities change, so morality changes with it. Slavery for farming would be repugnant now, but is not so obviously repugnant in a time where there are no machines to bear the brunt of farming work. Expecting genteel ladies to work was also repugnant at one time, until the First World War made it essential to utilize every human resource at the nation’s disposal. The same is true of copyright, yet like the coalminers, the musicians are living in denial about the consequences for the economic model that rewards them for their work.

Just like nuclear proliferation, which we can abhor and try to delay but recognize as inevitable just because of the spread of technology, copyright abuse will inevitably increase. When copying involved taking a book and writing it out again in longhand, then there was no need for copyright law. Now that copying has been completely divorced from physicality, and that we live in a world with a globally connected network to share digital content, and there are people in the world with the nous to write software and implement solutions to solve problems they want to solve, copyright abuse is inevitable. Its abuse is inevitable thanks to the glorious hypocrisy in the heart of every human being: the belief that laws are there to protect them from other people, not there to stop them doing things they want to do. Everybody thinks like that, and no end of ‘education’ will stop people ‘stealing’ music so long as they feel the cost of music on the free market is too high, and the damage done to the creative artist is little or none. Any very many people do feel like that. So whilst the economic imperatives are different to those that savaged the British coal industry – we are talking about ease of access for a limitless and free ‘black market’ in music, not the relative cost of extraction and the kilojoule content of coal versus gas – the economic imperatives exist and cannot be ignored.

The musicians, like the miners before them, are living in denial about economic change. One can sympathize. Nobody wants to believe that their chosen path has been invalidated by forces outside of their control. If you make a career decision in your teens, it will be painful to recognize that it was based on outdated economic assumptions by the time you reach your late twenties. A retreat to an argument for morality is as misguided as the miners believing they could successfully demand subsidies from the rest of society. In a way, they can, because they can try to make it so difficult to change that people put up with long-run inequity rather than a shorter period of more severe turbulence and trouble. The price of doing so is inequity; musicians are demanding to be raised up and protected by society that does not offer similar protections to everyone else. Plenty of ideas receive no legal protection. Copyright does. This inequity most of us would agree is tolerable. But that this inequity needs to be backed by surveillance is a demand too far. A law that cannot be enforced without spying on people in their homes is a law that belongs in Orwell’s Airstrip One, not a law that belongs in our Britain. And we know that copyright can no longer be effectively enforced without surveillance. That makes it a law that should not be enforced, because the morality of protecting the right of musicians to enjoy the economic benefits of their labour is outweighed by the morality of protecting all citizens from surveillance by authoritarian forces. If anything, the musician has become far more morally reprehensible than the miner ever was. The miner just expected to get paid more than the true value of the coal they produced, and if they do not get it, they would cut everybody’s electricity until the government backed down. Unfortunately for the miner, there were no power cuts and the strike went on far longer than the average miner could afford to live without pay. In contrast the musician expects not just the state, but unrelated businesses to pay the price for the surveillance they demand. And they do expect surveillance of everybody in the UK. Electronically monitoring who does what on a network is surveillance of everyone who uses it, no matter how much ignorance and subterfuge is offered by musicians in order to make it sound more reasonable.

One of the reasons to dislike Arthur Scargill, the leader of the NUM who lead their ill-fated strike, was his authoritarian tendencies. There is little doubt he was loved by many of his union’s members. He was seen as a man who worked hard for the cause of miners, was honest and faithful. But when he called for a national strike by coalminers, the NUM lacked the facility, or interest, to ballot its own members on whether they wanted to strike. Now I see Lily Allen in much the same light as Scargill. She has the same ability to inspire love and devotion in some, but suffers the same deficits when it comes to an excess of pride and a lack of humility. Allen is a would-be leader for the musicians, and for much of the rest of us. In recent weeks, she has been the most outspoken of the increasingly politicized fight to protect the economic interests of recording artists. What Allen lacks is an interest in listening to points of view that are different to her own. I have never met the woman, but I draw inferences from her behaviour. She started a blog to persuade people to her point of view, but tore it down after she received ‘abuse’, by which she means she did not like being pointed out as a hypocrite. Allen then went on a media rampage, threatening to quit music and appearing in The Sun to immodestly explain how she ‘understands the internet’, with the implication presumably being that anyone who disagrees with her must not really understand the internet, although there are many learned individuals from all walks – lawyers, academics and even musicians – who sincerely believe copyright is in desperate need of reform. This media blitz was cleverly and pointedly designed to distract attention from the revelation, made prominent on Michael Masnick’s Techdirt blog only hours earlier, that Allen had infringed the copyright of other musicians herself. When she was unknown and trying to get attention, she made ‘mixtapes’, digital music files that spliced her music with that of other artists, in the hope that they would be downloaded and help her to gain popularity. Embarrassingly for Allen, the mixtapes were still available for download on LilyAllenMusic.com, even whilst Ms. Allen was denouncing the evil of ‘stealing’ from recording artists by abusing their copyright. When the hypocrisy was about to get mainstream press attention, the mixtapes were finally pulled from her website and she went into overdrive – talking about anything and everything except her own infringement of copyright laws that she now rather pompously considers to be sacrosanct.

If you want the proof of Lily Allen’s copyright infringement, I downloaded the files from LilyAllenMusic.com to ensure the evidence was never lost to the public domain. If you want, you can listen to Lily Allen’s mixtape1 and mixtape2. I know that by offering these files I am guilty of copyright infringement myself. The funny thing about morality is that sometimes the morally right thing is to break a law in order to highlight a greater moral wrong. I am not deaf to the pleas from celebrities to protect the interests of hard-up old session musicians, but I am cynical about them. And I am not persuaded that heralding an era of unprecedented spying on the private individual is a price worth paying to ensure the poorest musicians earn a little more money. A better solution to the poverty of some who work in the music industry would involve the richest musicians earning a whole lot less, but the music industry has been incapable of finding solutions like that. That makes them as selfish as much of the rest of humanity, including the people who want to download music for free.

To borrow from Orwell, one ought to be able to hold in one’s head simultaneously the two facts that Lily Allen is an attractive artist with a talent for catchy songs, and a disgusting human being. The one does not invalidate or, in a sense, affect the other. The first thing that we demand of a musician is that he or she makes music. If it makes us want to whistle or dance, it is good music, and the question of what purpose it serves is separable from that. Yet even the best celebrity in the world deserves to be pulled down if they use their celebrity to turn the internet into a prison camp. Unless one can say that, at least in imagination, one is shirking the implications of the fact that an artist is also a citizen and a human being.

And Lily Allen is wrong about music dying. Music lived before copyright. It will live after copyright. People make music with no profit motive, even in these crazy materialistic times. Take a listen to this sensational song by Dan Bull, which rather amusingly analyses Lily Allen and her arguments…

Ideas: Worth Less, Worthless, or Worth Even More?

When the US was a young nation, it was greedy to learn and to grow. A good example is Benjamin Franklin a famous polymath who experimented with electricity amongst other things. Benjamin Franklin was an innovator, but he also engaged in piracy. Franklin, like others, republished the works of 18th century British authors without giving them any reward in exchange for copying their words. As early as 1808, the poet William Wordsworth complained about exploitation and argued for copyright to be extended. The most popular novelist of the Victorian era, Charles Dickens, lobbied Congress during his North American speaking tours, protesting that the copyright of British authors should be recognized in the US. His pleas fell on deaf ears. America needed the wealth of new ideas and lacked libraries. For Americans to benefit from education and entertainment, so the argument went, necessitated cutting costs, and that meant not rewarding the British authors who should be satisfied with the rewards received elsewhere. And was not the success of Dickens’ tours a real demonstration that piracy helped authors, rather than hindering them? The argument went on to assert that Dickens benefited most from the enhancement of his reputation gained by the wide circulation of his work. Whether Dickens thought so or not, the Americans had decided this was worth more than profiting from the sale of fewer books bearing his name. Does that sound familiar? It should, because we hear the same debate today. The difference is that the tables have turned and now the US, like the other countries that have hoarded intellectual wealth, is concerned that its valuable copyrights are exploited by the greedy, growing, countries of the developing world.

Whilst the struggle for copyright is sometimes seen as a battle between nations, it is also a battle of will within national borders. The emergence of a political movement in European countries, the Pirate Party movement, tells us something about the strength of feeling across an increasingly polarized debate. Businesses pursue stringent fines for P2P filesharers. Governments enforce stricter laws to protect copyright. Citizens respond by forming new political parties and canvassing for votes. There is a Pirate Party in the US too, though the nature of American democracy makes it very unlikely they will break through and raise the profile of copyright reform. The frontline of the US copyright debate is the courtroom, not the ballot box. In contrast, the very existence of electoral alternatives has enabled European parties to secure valuable attention in mainstream media. In only the first month since being launched, the Pirate Party UK has secured room for the debate about copyright reform in every quality British newspaper, on television and radio, and of course all over the internet. All of this is encouraging for a party that wants people to freely exchange their thoughts, and is a signal that even in rich countries, many see the appeal of less stringent copyright.

The counterargument to copyright reform is that there will be losers. The losers are supposed to be those who create, or the losers will be all of us. The conclusion is that either the creators receive lesser rewards for their work, and so they will be poorer, or the creators will simply create less and will do other jobs instead, leaving us all poorer. But Dickens did not stop writing because of American exploitation of his words. If anything, he was inspired by it – inspired to respond via Martin Chuzzlewit. The same internet that enables instantaneous and mass duplication of copyright works has transformed many other markets. The internet enables middlemen to be stripped out of supply and distribution, and the benefits are passed on to the consumer through lower costs. Take this to its logical limit and you do end up with an extreme – the same extreme as Benjamin Franklin not sharing the profits from the works he pirated. But far from ending creation, piracy simply changes the market dynamics. One source of revenue is closed, not all sources. Dickens made money by speaking. Musicians can make money from live performances or merchandise. The copyrighted content stops being a marketable product and instead becomes the fulcrum for a kind of marketing. This marketing is all the more powerful because it is spread from individual to individual, and cannot be manipulated by business interests. In other words, people promote the content they like, not the content they are told to like, and all studies show that we trust the recommendations of friends and ordinary folks far more than we trust celebrity endorsements and slick corporate promotion. The evidence is that this peer-to-peer advertising is effective in creating new revenues. This is a threat to the jobs of some middlemen, who are paid to influence the market, but is a boon to consumers and puts market power and intelligence back into the hands of the people who should be dictating what is popular and what is not. The significance of the advertising effect of free content is demonstrated by the observed correlation that the most prolific downloaders of pirated content also spend the most to legitimately buy content.

With a marketplace in rapid transition, it can be hard to identify all the factors that cause it to happen. The digital marketplace for copyrighted content does more than increase the potential to freely copy works that were originally created with profit in mind. It also reduces barriers to entry. It reduces them so far, that, at the extreme, the marketplace collapses. People just give and take freely. This has been observed already with open source software. We see it with the rise in so-called ‘user-generated content’ on sites like YouTube. ‘User-generated’ is a euphemism for ‘not to be taken seriously because it does not have a big budget’. Thanks to the democratizing effect of other technological improvements, married to the free distribution mechanism of the internet, then all it takes to create a popular song is to possess a guitar and a microphone, without the need for a marketing budget. Beneath the veil of piracy, the real factor that drives down prices is the proliferation of competition, from small business, from micro business, from hobbyists and people who create for the pleasure of friends.

Resetting the marketplace so that many can produce for many will diminish some business models. It also creates new ones. If you cannot profit by controlling a much-sought copy of one work, perhaps you can profit by using the work to attract people to other goods and services, or by embedding the work within another product. The music industry has recognized this, and now seeks to make more from new activities like selling t-shirts with lyrics written on them. This is innovation in the true sense – instead of just creating variations on an established theme, the goal is to develop genuinely new kinds of products.

Supply and demand suggests that the money saved on certain kinds of products just gets spent on others. This is the basis of the real value proposition for any economy. Either it remains stagnant, and tries to protect existing business models, or it is open to change and incubates new business models. Copyright was created for an old business model, and not a very good one at that. Technology has moved on from the time when printing presses were expensive and distribution of content was physical. Many of us may love Mickey Mouse, but perpetually extending Disney’s copyright stifles creation instead of encouraging it. Nobody wants to see some poor session musician struggling to fight poverty in his old age, but that is no reason to rewrite the contract he agreed when he first did some work. We would not go back to a plumber, fifty years after he does a job, and agree to pay him more than was originally stipulated for the original job, just because we feel sorry for him. Let charity be charity and business be business, without confusing the two. If we do confuse the two, we are likely to forget that expenditure on entertainment is discretionary, meaning that if more goes to Disney’s millionaire execs, or to some poor old session musician, less will go to anyone new who wants to break into the market.

Governments that try to preserve existing business models by defending copyright are missing the point. Creative people now have few barriers of entry to a huge potential market. Artists will simply short-circuit big businesses, by selling direct to the consumer in the same way that insurance brokers were frozen out by the rise in direct sales of insurance policies. Some will give work away just to get the foothold of recognition. Unhappy that your publisher does not promote your work? Then give it away and bet that the audience will see talent where the publisher does not. Giving his work away made Brazilian novelist Paulo Coelho successful. At the same time, discretionary spend on entertainment and education will still be spent on education and entertainment. That means new markets open up as others close. If people can get recorded music for free, then they have more money to spend on live performances. Or if they want something to enjoy at home, consumers will shift their spending from music to other content like video games, and this research suggests that is just what people have been doing. Seen in that context, it makes perfect sense for music businesses to change tack; if they cannot sell direct to the consumer, sell to the people who make games instead. This is innovation, and it is good for customers, even if painful for those businesses that lack the imagination or agility to keep pace with change.

Nations that have been great innovators face a risk. They have built up intangible wealth that will tempt some to simply sit back and exploit, instead of creating anew. To do so would be the worst mistake possible for the economy of not only rich nations, but of the world. Innovation, experimentation, change – these are the ways to keep on creating world-beating formulas. Monopolies of ideas are profitable only for those that control them. That means monopolies should not be allowed to live on longer than fairly required to recoup the initial investment that was needed to turn the idea into a reality. Money spent on enforcing and maintaining those monopolies for longer than needed is money not spent on developing alternative products. New capabilities inevitably give rise to new markets and these are the real and pervasive threat to old monopolies. The iPod allowed people to listen to as much music as they like, wherever they like, but it also gave birth to podcasting and a new world of creative opportunity. Listening to a free podcast means less time to listen to an album of music that you pay for. Sales of volumes of Encyclopedia Britannica collapsed in the face of rivals sold on CD-ROMs, and Wikipedia begs the question of why anyone should pay for reference texts. News services are happy to reuse the amateur’s view of major events, in the form of bystander photographs and videos, tweets and commentary from blogs. Such amateur content squeezes the market for professionals, but that does not mean amateur content should be prohibited or limited, or that the reader or viewer would be better informed by content that only came from professional sources.

Rich countries, like the US, got ahead by creating new ideas, not by just by exploiting them. And every nation has been greedy enough to exploit the ideas of others – when it suited them. Now, more than ever, piracy and the dissolution of barriers to entry mean new ideas have to be imagined and delivered at ever greater speed. You can try to slow the progress of competitors, but if that is all you do, they will still overtake you soon enough. Nations rich in intellectual capital should avoid the temptation to pour more and more resources into protecting its current intellectual assets. Intellectual assets only retain value if rivals lack the imagination to make something better. In a world where ideas are spread ever more easily, the dominance of a good idea will be shorter and shorter. The cleverest nations should stick to what they do best – investing in creating the future. If that means encouraging the next generation of Benjamin Franklins, that can only be a good thing.

If Vampires Were Real…

Vampires make for the sexiest monsters. Go to a Halloween party, and half the women will be dressed as vampires. In contrast, expect only one bride of Frankenstein and absolutely no female werewolves. Vampires look good, stand straight, dress well, and have impeccable manners, except when chomping on your jugular without waiting to be invited. But what would life be like if there were real vampires?

To begin with, we need to establish some ground rules for what vampires can and cannot do. There have been so many riffs on the vampire theme that almost every vampire taboo has been broken at some stage. In the movie version of Bram Stoker’s Dracula they even had Gary Oldman’s Transylvanian Count walking around in the daylight, wearing shades and proclaiming himself to be ‘low-powered’ under the sun, like some peculiar inverse of a solar cell. Let us stick to the classic description of photophobic vampires, where bright sunlight would cause the vampire to shrivel and die in seconds. That means a vampire would still be perfectly safe when basked in candlelight or whilst enjoying a typically overcast British beach holiday. Vampires were probably behind the introduction and imposition of those energy-saving lightbulbs that pretend to be as bright as a traditional bulb when measured by every scientific device except your eyes. Garlic, in contrast, should not be an impediment to the modern vampire. Let us assume the vampire has an acute sense of smell, and dislikes a pungent aroma, but otherwise enjoys a decent ragu sauce or portion of garlic bread as much as the next man. A stake through the heart should still be fatal for vampires, just as it is for everybody else. Decapitation should also be an effective way of killing a vampire. Other than that, let us give the vampire a strong constitution and the ability to withstand a much more severe beating than humans. Even so, in the case of a severe injury, losing a lot of blood would be fatal for ordinary people, and it follows that vampires should find this even more life-threatening. Vampires would hence carry bandages, tourniquets and elastoplasts with them at all times. They would also be wary of nosebleeds, leading them to bulk buy those convenient pocket packs of paper tissues.

On the plus side, let us grant the vampire several important advantages. For a start, they get all their nourishment through sucking on the crimson lifeliquid, meaning vampires can do without food or even water. The energy in blood is absorbed within the vampire’s circulatory system, rendering all those digestive organs superfluous, and partly explaining the vampire’s prolonged life and resistance to physical attack. It also helps to explain why there are no fat vampires. We will not assume that vampires can live forever, but rather conclude they always seem to come to a violent end, making it hard to judge if they can die of old age. That is only fitting, because vampires treasure elegance, sophistication, and their independence most of all, so it would be quite a disappointment for a vampire to end up demented and drooling in an old vampire’s home. Vampires would also have some special powers, but nothing too difficult to explain. Vampires can have the speed of Usain Bolt. Vampires can have the agility of Bruce Lee. And Vampires can have the strength and stamina of a heavily-pregnant mother of four doing her weekly shop at Tesco’s and simultaneously wrestling the sweets out of the hands of her kids whilst loading her trolley with the 4-pint milk carton and a 12-pack of loo roll. Vampires can also have the hypnotic skills of Derren Brown and be accomplished deceivers like Peter Mandelson. But no turning into bats and flying around. Bats have brains the size of peanuts, so even if a vampire was clever enough to turn into a bat he would only end up too stupid to turn himself back again. To get around at nighttime, when the roads are less congested anyway, vampires would either drive or hail themselves a cab.

Now that we have determined what a vampire can and cannot do, let us examine what might happen if they were real. For a start, we know that vampirism spreads like an STD, except the vampire need go no further than a lovebite. This spares the vampire the need to pull down his or her knickers and hide in some bushes when enjoying a conquest in the open air. Given how fast typical STDs spread, the easy transmission of vampirism might lead to a pandemic in less time than it takes to say “so what was the big deal with swine flu?” We all know that vampires are inherently sexy, and like to go out at night, so even a mediocre vampire should partake in one good necking every evening. The number of vampires should double on a daily basis. Starting with just one vampire, it would take barely a month for half the world’s population to be turned into nosferatus. The vampires would spread far too quickly for the average government agency to respond. A large-scale and systematic response would be further impeded because intelligent vampires would initially target those bloodsuckers that run government and big business.

Having turned half the world into their brothers and sisters, the vampires would then face a dilemma. If they continued their ravenous ways, they would consume the remainder of their blood supply within a matter of days. Blood banks would be drained of their assets faster than Lehman Brothers went bankrupt. The few anaemics and hemophiliacs left unmolested would have insufficient time to reproduce and restock the human race. As a consequence, vampires everywhere would face starvation and there would be a mass extinction. To avoid this, the vampires running government would decide to make peace with the remaining half of the human populous. Public service announcements and education films would extol the virtues of living in societies which are perfectly balanced, with one half working during the day, and the other half working at night. The housing crisis would be solved in an instant, with dayworkers and nightwalkers sharing their homes and even using the same beds whilst the other is out earning a living. Business efficiency would skyrocket, and congestion decrease, thanks to the introduction of two separate 9-to-5 shifts for humans (9am to 5pm) and vampires (9pm to 5am).

The need for plentiful supplies of human being juice will still cause some tension between vampires and their corpuscular benefactors. However, with democracies evenly balanced between humans and nosferatus, and with most politicians having been turned in the early days of vampire expansion, governments would focus their energies on finding a viable compromise. These politicians would be especially persuasive thanks to their hybrid of Derren Brown and Peter Mandelson skills. They would introduce wide-ranging reforms to prevent human numbers being further diminished. The direct feeding of vampire-on-human would be banned in public and only permitted in private if the human had previously given their written consent. Celebrities and doctors would join campaigns aiming to make necksucking as taboo as smoking, whilst promoting the health benefits of only drinking blood that had been checked for disease and shown to have an adequate iron content. Voluntary blood donation would be massively boosted through giving generous payments for every pint. Despite the enormous cost, the economy would remain balanced thanks to the increased productivity of the faster, stronger vampires and because the halved human population would mean traditional food production could also be halved. The keen vision and superhuman strength of vampires would lead to a boom in mining, and would also deliver the additional benefit of a vast increase in underground accommodation for those needing shelter from the sun.

To deliver a fair society, The Equality and Human Rights Commission would be rebranded and asked to address vampire rights as well. Their first act will be to ban all films starring Christopher Lee as Count Dracula. International money will fund the construction of a large theme park and science exhibition in Transylvania, with the aim of promoting peace and understanding between humans and vampires. Vampires will steadily overcome institutionalized prejudice, and will inspire confidence in humans by guarding the streets at night and delivering a previously unimaginable fall in crime and violent disorder. In exchange, humans will look out for their vampire neighbours by ensuring they always keep a couple of full blood bags hanging in the fridge in case of emergencies, and a spare coffin made up in the basement for any vampires unlucky to be caught out after daybreak. Humans and vampires will live in such peace and tranquility that they will wonder why they ever mistrusted each other. Putting aside their differences vampires and humans will combine forces for a common goal: the systematic genocide of the werewolves!