A fair while ago, in a place quite far away (unless you live there, in which case it is not far at all) there was a talented young film director, a carpenter, a junkie, and a guy who was so nice and dull that I cannot think of anything else to write about him. The talented young film director made a popular movie about teenagers coming of age, called American Graffiti. Flushed with success, he decided to cast the carpenter, junkie and the dull guy in a space epic where people shoot lasers instead of bullets and they use ‘The Force’ instead of doing proper magic. It was an even bigger success that his teen comedy-drama and the film became so famous that I can still parody its second sequel today, safe in the knowledge that you probably know what I am talking about.

In the last installment of Parallel Return of the Jedi the droids had entered Jabba’s palace…

[In the main audience chamber of Jabba's palace, R2-D2 and C-3PO are presented to Jabba himself.]

C-3PO: The message, R2, the message…

[R2-D2 starts playing a holographic video of Luke Skywalker.]

Video of Skywalker: (Stands serenely and smiles as he talks) Greetings, exalted one. You probably don’t remember me but I’m Luke Skywalker. When I was a lad I used to deliver your newspaper every morning. Each year, on Boonta’s Eve, you’d give me a big tip, for which I’m still grateful. I didn’t just deliver newspapers… I remember some of those ‘exotic’ magazines you subscribed to. I’m glad to say I didn’t have a clue what was taking place in some of those photos, but they still made my eyes pop out. I’m no longer a paperboy. In fact, a lot’s happened to me since those days. For instance, I’m a Jedi Knight, which is pretty cool and sure beats farming moisture. I also destroyed a massive space station with my eyes closed. My new work takes me to all sorts of worlds, but I do sometimes pop back to Tatooine to visit the graves of my family. Maybe next time I’m back, we’ll get the chance to catch up in person. (Pauses) Well, anyhow, as you can see, I’m all grown up now and after the generosity you showed me as a boy, I would like to ask you for one last favour. I’m mates with Captain Solo, who is your favourite wall ornament. You probably don’t realize it, but you’ve started a new craze in interior decoration. These days, everybody has a replica Solo-frozen-in-carbonite hanging in their living room. They’re really rather tacky. I know you like to keep one step ahead of fashion, so if you’d like, I’ll take this Solo off your hands. Just pop him in the same taxi that dropped off these two droids. It should still be waiting outside. And if you like, keep the droids. They’re old and crap. Have them as a token of my gratitude.

Jabba: (Laughs and turns to his right hand man, Bib Fortuna) Good joke, Fortuna! You nearly had me going there! The idea of these droids being gifts! Ha ha ha. The small one looks like he was built before the Clone Wars, and that gold one could have been made from one of those kits that you assemble at home. Ha ha. Good joke, Fortuna.

Bib Fortuna: (Shrugs) These droids look like they fell off the back of a Jawa’s sandcrawler. But this isn’t my doing, sir.

Jabba: (Stunned) How strange. Then this offer must be for real. I don’t remember any paperboy.

Bib Fortuna: I remember him. He was always mixing up the deliveries. The woman in the next palace over was always getting your… ahem… magazines, and she kept making such a fuss about it. He wasn’t much of a paperboy, and he’s no Jedi!

C-3PO: (Panicked) This can’t be. R2, you’re playing the wrong message.

R2-D2: Beep, hum, beep (translates as: “Sh*t! You’re right… here’s the message I should have played.”)

Video of Skywalker: I know that you are powerful Jabba, and that your anger with Solo must be equally powerful. With your wisdom, I’m sure we can work out an arrangement that will be mutually beneficial, and enable us to avoid any unpleasant confrontation. Or, if you prefer, (suddenly raises voice, leans forward and starts shaking his fist angrily) I can come over there and kick you ass! For a start, I’m a fully qualified Jedi Knight (holds up certificiate as proof) from the Yoda Advanced School of Jedi Arts and Auto Repair….

Bib Fortuna: Okay, so I was wrong. He is a Jedi. I thought the Jedi were extinct. That’ll teach me to believe what they write in Wookiepeida.

Video of Skywalker: … and if that isn’t enough, let me tell you, I’ve got really powerful friends. I’m well in with the leaders of the Rebel Alliance, and my dad’s Darth Vader, and he offered me the job of running the Empire with him, so don’t make me send my dad over there or you’ll be really sorry! (Wags finger).

Jabba: (Perplexed) I don’t know whether to take this seriously or not. But keep the droids. Maybe you could stick a drinks tray on top of the short one, and use it as a moving side table.

Bib Fortuna: Yeah. And I’d better tell that taxi not to wait any longer.

[As Bib Fortuna motions to leave, a short Bounty Hunter wearing a daft helmet comes in. The Bounty Hunter is leading Chewbacca on a chain.]

Short Bounty Hunter: I have come for the bounty on this Wookiee.

Jabba: Is this Moralan Fool’s Day? First those two crappy robots and now a midget bounty hunter?

Bib Fortuna: (Dismissive) Excuse me. We’ve had enough pranks for today.

Short Bounty Hunter: You think this is a joke? Look! I’ve got a thermal detonator!! (Holds up a silvery object with flashing lights).

[Jabba and everyone else roars with laughter.]

Jabba: Ho ho ho. Hilarious. You’re my kind of light entertainment scum. Fearlessly and inventively stupid. First you expect us to believe a tiny midget has overpowered the massive Chewbacca, and now you show me a plastic ball with flashing flights and expect us to believe it’s a bomb!!! Ho ho ho. It looks more like a Christmas decoration.

Bib Fortuna: (To bounty hunter) You stupid fool. Do you think we let people into Jabba’s palace without scanning for bombs? (Turns to Jabba) Look at the slight frame of this bounty hunter. I bet it’s a girl. (To bounty hunter) Take off that ridiculous helmet, immediately!

[Two Gamorrean guards grab the bounty hunter from behind, and pull off her mask, revealing her to be Princess Leia.]

Bib Fortuna: See, sir. I told you she was a girl.

Jabba: It’s Princess Leia Organa. We can ransom her for a lot of money.

Bib Fortuna: Shall we cut off an ear and send it to her family?

Jabba: No. Just stick her in a gold bikini, take videos of her dancing around and stick them on YouTube. That should be sufficiently degrading to show them we mean business.

Bib Fortuna: And what should we do with Chewbacca?

Jabba: Put him in a holding cell with that other guy we captured earlier… what was his name?

Bib Fortuna: Lando.

Jabba: Yes, Lando. Stick Chewbacca in the dungeon with Lando and these two droids too. These morons keep coming in waves. (Pauses) In fact, stick old frozen chops (points at Carbonite Solo) in the dungeon too. There’s bound to be more fools where this lot came from. We can expect that paperboy to come on a rescue mission for sure. In fact, he’ll probably come along later tonight. Let’s lay in wait for him… (evil laugh).

…

[It is night in the main audience chamber of Jabba's palace. Only the faintest glimmer of light filters through from the corridor behind. Luke Skywalker stealthily creeps across the floor, following his senses and looking for signs of where his friends are being held captive. He strides gently - right, then left, then right... then falls straight down the trap door into the pit of the giant and deadly rancor beast.]

Jabba: (Hiding behind a curtain, disturbed from his sleep) Fortuna – did you hear something? Fortuna!

Bib Fortuna: (Woken by Jabba) Sorry sir, what was that?

Jabba: I thought I heard something.

[The rancor beast cries out.]

Jabba: I knew it! Quick, switch on the lights.

[The lights come on and they move into position to look into the rancor's pit.]

Jabba: (Looking down) What’s happening? Why isn’t my rancor moving?

Bib Fortuna: Sir, I think the paperboy fell directly on to his head. He must have knocked him out cold.

Jabba: I’ve really had it with these fools. It must be nearly sunrise. Let’s take the whole lot of them to the Dune Sea and chuck them into Sarlacc.

…

[Jabba's sail barge glides across the sands of Tatooine's Dune Sea, with a skiff to either side. Jabba and Bib Fortuna are on the middle deck of the barge. Luke, Leia, Chewbacca, R2, 3PO, Lando and Solo - still frozen in carbonite - are being carried on one of the skiffs. They pull up to the Great Pit of Carkoon, the hole that is the home of Sarlacc.]

Bib Fortuna: Victims of the almighty Sarlacc, his excellency hopes that you will die honourably, but should any of you wish to beg for mercy…

Jabba: Never mind all that. Just put them in.

[The guards on the skiff start shifting Carbonite Solo to the skiff's edge, directly above Sarlacc's mouth. As they do, a bright yellow and industrial-looking sand barge pulls up alongside. The yellow sand barge is carrying a foreman and his team.]

Foreman: Mornin’. You lot are up early, aren’t ya?

Skiff guard: Get out of the way. We’re throwing this lot in.

Foreman: I can’t allow you to do that. Not today, anyway. Didn’t you see the notice? (Points at a placard sticking out of the sand. It is covered in writing too small to make out at a distance.)

Skiff guard: No. What does it say?

Jabba: (Impatient, shouting at the foreman) What’s the hold up?

Foreman: If you’d read the sign, you’d have seen that Sarlacc is closed today for essential maintenance work.

Jabba: Essential maintenance work?

Foreman: That’s right. Unsuspecting jawas, banthas and other creatures just come stumbling along, and keep falling right into his mouth. It would’ve starved to death long ago, otherwise. So today we’re putting up some fences to protect the people and wildlife.

Jabba: Look, we’ll just quickly throw this lot in, and then leave you in peace.

Foreman: I’m sorry sir, rules is rules. Health and safety takes priority. We can’t allow you to throw anyone in whilst we’re working on these safety rails. If you missed, they might hit one of our guys, and we wouldn’t want that.

Jabba: But it won’t take a minute.

Foreman: Sorry sir, the signs says no dumping from 0700 hours and I make it 07.03 right now. You’ll just have to come back tomorrow.

[A white skiff pulls up. A pair of workmen are inside.]

Workman: What’s going on here, then? We need to put these signs up.

Foreman: What do they say?

Workman: “No unauthorized dumping.” The council’s started fining anyone throwing their garbage into our friend Mr. Sarlacc.

Foreman: (Turns to Jabba on his sail barge) Sounds like you’re right out of luck!

C-3PO: I resent being called ‘garbage’.

Luke: (Whispering, angry) Shut up, will you? This could be our way out of here.

Jabba: This is an outrage!

[As Jabba fumes, an inflatable rubber skiff flies up at high speed. On board are a collection of scruffily-dressed protesters.]

Protester: You said it brother!! This is an outrage!!

Foreman: Now who in blazes are you? We’ll never get started at this rate.

Protester: The Sarlacc is a wild animal and you’ve no right to starve it to death! Let the Sarlacc live free, in peace with nature!

Foreman: Are you serious? This thing digests anyone unlucky enough to fall into it over the space of a thousand years. And you want to feed it?

Protester: It’s a living creature and the Sarlacci are an endangered species. We can’t allow them to become extinct, like the dodo, or the Jedi.

Luke: Actually, I’m a Jedi.

Protester: Really? I thought the Jedi were extinct. Cuh, you just can’t trust what you read on Wookiepedia.

Workman: Just let us put up this sign and we’ll be off.

Protester: No!! What you call dumping, we call feeding!! (Starts a chant with her fellow protesters) Feed the Sarlacc now, feed the Sarlacc now…

Jabba: (Joins in with the chant.) Feed the Sarlacc now, feed the Sarlacc now…

[The skiff guard sees his chance and pushes Carbonite Solo into the Sarlacc. The Sarlacc swallows Carbonite Solo and burps loudly.]

Leia: Han!!!

Protester: Hey, hey, hey!!! What do you think you’re doing?

Skiff guard: You just said to feed the Sarlacc.

Foreman: That is what you said.

Protester: The Sarlacc can’t digest a solid lump of carbonite like that. It eats living, organic material.

Skiff guard: (Grabs Lando by the sleeve and pushes him to the front) You mean like this guy here?

Protester: Exactly.

Lando: Hey! Doesn’t anyone care what I think about that idea?

[The Sarlacc starts making strange noises.]

Protester: Oh, the poor Sarlacc sounds poorly.

[The Sarlacc noises get louder. The sand around it starts to visibly shake.]

C-3PO: What’s it doing, R2?

R2-D2: Beep, whistle, bleep (translates as: “I think it’s about to be sick”)

[The Sarlacc spits Carbonite Solo out at high speed. Carbonite Solo flies straight into Jabba's sail barge, causing it to explode and obliterating everyone on board.]

Protester: Phew. That’s a relief. It looks like the Sarlacc will be fine after all.

Skiff guard: But that’s us out of a job. Jabba didn’t pay well, but we were all on a final salary pension scheme.

Leia: Han!

R2-D2: Beep, bleep (translates as: “He’s okay. I can detect him on my sensors. He’s still frozen solid as a rock. Let’s go dig him out.”)

Lando: I always joked that Han was a stone cold killer, but this is ridiculous.

Long long ago, possibly before time began, and certainly before Tuesday last week, there was a saga called Star Wars. And lo, the people said it was good, and that it did verily enthrall them with its tales of derring-do, good versus evil, and the adventures of pretty princesses and manly warriors. People liked the cool special effects too. Then about a thousand unimaginative people decided to further entertain people with many parodies of the series. And then, even later still, I did the same, and I called this new series Star Wars Parallel Universe. In the previous installment from the parallel Star Wars universe, R2-D2 and C-3PO had gone to the wrong palace on Tatooine. We pick up the story with Darth Vader’s shuttle en route to the new and improved Death Star….

Shuttle Pilot: (Speaking over the radio) Command Station, this is ST-3-21. Code clearance: blue. We’re starting our approach. Deactivate the security shield.

Death Star Space Traffic Controller: (Responding by radio) Security deflector shield will be deactivated when we have confirmation of your code transmission – and not a moment sooner. Standby.

Shuttle Pilot: (Impatient, sarcastic) When you’re ready.

Death Star Space Traffic Controller: (Looks at the code appearing on his screen) Hmmm… I see you’re using an older code, though it checks out. What is your cargo?

Shuttle Pilot: Are you serious?

Death Star Space Traffic Controller: Yes, I’m perfectly serious. We’ve beefed up security around here. We don’t just let anyone saunter up and land whenever they fancy. Now, ST-3-21, what is your cargo?

Shuttle Pilot: No cargo. Just a passenger.

Death Star Space Traffic Controller: How many passengers?

Shuttle Pilot: A passenger. A single passenger.

Death Star Space Traffic Controller: Did I hear you right? A single passenger? Haven’t you people heard about shuttle-sharing? The Imperial Fleet is never going to be carbon neutral until flyboys like you realize that shuttles are not for joyrides.

Shuttle Pilot: You don’t understand. We have a VIP on board. Our passenger is Lord Vader. And he doesn’t like to be kept waiting.

Death Star Space Traffic Controller: Lord Vader? Never heard of him. I don’t care if you’ve got the Emperor himself on that shuttle, you could have carried some cargo over at the same time. Did you at least bring some toilet paper?

Shuttle Pilot: I beg your pardon?

Death Star Space Traffic Controller: Toilet paper. We’re running low. For the last fortnight we’ve been on rations of four sheets per day. It used to be that you had three-ply and can pull them apart to make them last that bit longer, but now they only give you two-ply. They say it’s cutbacks. They must have overrun the budget on building this station.

Shuttle Pilot: Is this a joke? We’re not here to transport toilet paper! And I never spoke to anyone who didn’t know who Darth Vader is before.

Death Star Space Traffic Controller: What was that name again?

Shuttle Pilot: Darth Vader.

Death Star Space Traffic Controller: Darth Vader? Nah. I once met a guy called Ralph Nader. He talked a lot of sense about fixing problems with the galactic economy. He kept standing to be elected to the Republic Senate, until some halfwit abolished it before he succeeded.

Shuttle Pilot: Do you know what you’re saying? Never mind. Put your supervisor on.

Death Star Space Traffic Controller: Oh, it’s like that is it? Very well. Please hold. (Signals to supervisor to come over and help. Puts his hand over the microphone and talks to the supervisor as an aside.) We’ve got a right charlie here. You try speaking to ‘em. I need to go for a pee anyhow (gets up and leaves).

Supervising Death Star Space Traffic Controller: (Sits at the microphone). Hello, my name is Stephen and I’m the supervising space traffic controller for today. How may I be of service?

Shuttle Pilot: We’ve got Darth Vader on our shuttle and we want to land – pronto.

Supervising Death Star Space Traffic Controller: Darth Vader, eh? I’m sorry I don’t know who that is.

Shuttle Pilot: You’ve not heard of Darth Vader?

Supervising Death Star Space Traffic Controller: No. But it’s a very big Empire, isn’t it? Thousands of star systems, millions of planets… you don’t expect me to know everybody by name, do you?

Shuttle Pilot: It’s Darth Vader. Darth Vader. (Pauses) Never mind. Can we land?

Supervising Death Star Space Traffic Controller: We’ve just got a few shuttles backed up here. Please enter a holding pattern and we should be able to squeeze you in within the next 15 minutes or so. (Hangs up) (His fellow space traffic controller returns from the toilet.) Make them wait 20 minutes and then direct them to landing bay Theta 12.

[The radio crackles into life as another shuttle signals its intention to land.]

Second Shuttle Pilot: Hello boyos, this is shuttle Tyrannium here, with a code clearance red. We’ve got a big load of bog roll on board, and we hear you’ve got some backsides cryin’ out for some over there.

Supervising Death Star Space Traffic Controller: Great! You’re cleared for immediate priority landing!

…

[C-3PO and R2-D2 finally arrive at Jabba's Palace on Tatooine.]

C-3PO: R2, are you sure this is the right place? We don’t want to go through another farce involving knocking on the wrong door.

R2-D2: Beep (translates as: “look at the sign, dumbass”)

C-3PO: (Looks up at the nameplate alongside the door and reads it out.) Palace of His Excellency, Jabba the Hutt. Bounty hunter scum welcome. Door-to-door salesmen scum not welcome. (Looks to R2-D2) This must be the place. I’d better knock, I suppose. (Taps on the door, and waits briefly). There doesn’t seem to be anyone here. We’d better go back and tell Master Luke.

[An electronic eye emerges from a hole in the door.]

C-3PO: (Startled) Goodness gracious me. (To the eye) We’d like to talk to Jabba the Hutt.

Voice of the electronic eye: Are you bounty hunter scum?

C-3PO: No.

Voice of the electronic eye: Are you selling something?

C-3PO: No.

Voice of the electronic eye: Are you Jehovah’s Witnesses?

C-3PO: No.

Voice of the electronic eye: Then why do you want to speak to Jabba?

C-3PO: We have a message for him.

Voice of the electronic eye: A message? You brought a message in person? Haven’t you heard of email? Anyway, you’d better come in, now that you’re here. But if you try to persuade us to change electricity supplier, we’ll disintegrate you without a moment’s hesitation.

…

[In landing bay Theta 12, Darth Vader walks down the ramp from his shuttle. Two valets, dressed in blue uniforms, follow him down the ramp. They bring Vader's bags - an assortment of shoulder bags and wheelie cases. There is a single Imperial captain waiting to meet Vader.]

Darth Vader: This is an outrage! We were kept waiting 20 minutes before being allowed to land.

Imperial Captain: (Removes a pen from his breast pocket and starts to make notes on a clipboard.) Name, please.

Darth Vader: What is this?

Imperial Captain: Security check. Name, please.

Darth Vader: Don’t you know who I am?

Imperial Captain: No, I don’t.

Darth Vader: Look, I’m tall, I’m dressed all in black, I have a black cape and a great big black helmet with a facemask that makes strange breathing noises. Does that give you a clue?

Imperial Captain: Well, you could be Lord Vader. He’s on my list of arrivals for today (taps the clipboard with his forefinger) and I hear he dresses quite like you do. But then again, you might be someone else, mightn’t you?

Darth Vader: Excuse me? Of course I’m Lord Vader.

Imperial Captain: Well, how am I supposed to know that? You think you’re the only person who’s allowed to wear a helmet and a mask covering his face? If it was up to me, I’d make you take it off, but I can’t ask you to do that. Apparently it offends some people’s religious sensitivities. But for all I know you could be a bodybuilder from the West Country, or a superhero who helps children to cross the road safely.

Darth Vader: Do I sound like a bodybuilder from the West Country?

Imperial Captain: No, but that might not be your real voice. Who knows what your voice would sound like if you took that facemask off.

Darth Vader: This is ridiculous.

Imperial Captain: It may seem ridiculous to you, but on the first Death Star they had all sorts of troublemakers running around the station, causing mayhem and releasing prisoners and starting fights. All because nobody did proper security checks on arrival. Now, if you don’t mind, I’d like to see your ID.

Darth Vader: Very well. (He pulls out a plastic card from inside his left glove, and holds it up so the Imperial Captain can see it. On the card there is photograph of his former self, Anakin Skywalker, before he was horribly burned.)

Imperial Captain: Is this a recent picture?

Darth Vader: Recent enough.

Imperial Captain: Very well, Lord Vader. Your luggage, did you pack it yourself? Did you leave your bags unattended at any point during your journey?

Darth Vader: Do you think a man like me packs his own luggage?

Imperial Captain: Is that a no? Then I’m afraid we’ll have to search your bags before we can let them through.

Darth Vader: How long will that take?

Imperial Captain: You don’t need to wait. We’ll have them delivered to your quarters later today.

Darth Vader: (Sighs) Very well. Just let me get my toiletries out.

Imperial Captain: Toiletries?

Darth Vader: I need my face cream. I suffer from dry skin.

Imperial Captain: Do you have a prescription from your doctor?

Darth Vader: Yes, as a matter of fact I do. (He pulls out a piece of paper from his right glove, and hands it over.)

Imperial Captain: (Looks over the prescription and returns it.) That seems to be in order, but I’ll still need to see the face cream.

[Vader turns around and gestures to a valet, who opens up a wheelie case and removes a clear plastic bag from inside. He brings the bag and its contents over to the Imperial Captain.]

[The Imperial Captain scrutinizes the bag. It contains a toothbrush, some toothpaste, a small bottle of eau de toilette and a roll-on deodorant, in addition to a large pot of cream. The captain opens the bag, takes out the pot of cream and then removes its lid.]

Imperial Captain: This looks safe enough. (Puts the lid back on.) But this is much larger than the maximum permitted size of 50 millilitres.

Darth Vader: I have very dry skin.

Imperial Captain: Okay. I suppose we can make an exception just this once.

Darth Vader: Thank you. I don’t suppose I can complain about you having tight security – not after what happened on the last Death Star – but I really thought the station commandant would be here to greet me in person, and that there’d be some troops lined up and standing to attention.

Imperial Captain: (Chuckles to himself) Oh, really sir? We don’t have time to stand around all day, rolling out the red carpet and giving it all that pomp and circumstance. We’ve got a space station to build, don’t you know…?

Darth Vader: Hmmm… I suppose I can’t argue with that either.

Imperial Captain: (Points to an archway to his rear, covered in flashing lights.) Now if you’ll just walk through the metal detector, sir…

Darth Vader: (Sighs) I’m more than 50 per cent metal.

Imperial Captain: Forgive me saying so, sir, but you look more plastic than metal. That tough kind of plastic they use for stormtrooper armour, except yours is black and theirs is mostly white.

Darth Vader: The plastic is just a clip-on cover, to stop the metal from getting scratched. It’s mostly for show. (Sorrowful) I’m essentially more machine than man.

Imperial Captain: Well, sir… (looks apologetic) rules is rules and… well… the alternative is a strip search…

To be continued (of course)…

An awfully long long time ago, in a place nowhere like here or wherever the heck you are, there was a story where knights fought with swords, battled strange monsters, went on long journeys and saved damsels in distress. More recently, I parodied that story in Star Wars: Parallel Universe and in countless more installments since. By countless, I mean seven, but that is quite a few. Now it is time for the latest installment, which is the first installment of the third installment, or of the sixth installment, depending on how you count these things. It is time to return to Parallel Tatooine, where R2 and ’3PO are making their way to see Jabba…

[C-3PO and R2-D2 trundle up to the forbidding door of a half-buried palace-cum-fort basking under the blazing sun of Tatooine.]

C-3PO: I can’t see a doorbell anywhere.

R2-D2: Bleep twert (translates as “I can’t even see one of those ports that I like to stick my appendage into”.)

C-3PO: Enough of your appendage. You’re always sticking that thing into every passing hole. Really. I think you need a cold oil shower before you go and overheat yourself.

R2-D2: Whistle-beep (“You’re just jealous because at least I get my end in now and again. It’s not just your voice that’s effeminate.)

C-3PO: This bickering isn’t getting us anywhere. Look for a doorknob, will you? And if you find one, try not to mate with it.

R2-D2: Tweet (“I can’t see anything. Just knock on the door”)

C-3PO: Wait, look. This might be it. (C3P-O points directly at a small round button to the right side of the doors.)

R2-D2: Whistle-tweet (“Don’t just point at it, press the bleedin’ thing.)

[C-3PO presses the button]

[They wait a few moments]

R2-D2: Whistle (“Did you press it right?”)

C-3PO: Of course I pressed it right. I know how to push a button.

R2-D2: Beep bleep (“You know how to push my buttons, and that’s a fact. Press it again.”)

[C3P-O Presses the button again]

[Nothing happens for a minute]

C-3PO: Maybe it’s not working.

R2-D2: Bleep beep (“Maybe they’re out. I said we should have called ahead but would anyone listen to me?”)

C-3PO: I’ll try knocking. (He raps his knuckle on the door, which makes an echoing metallic noise.)

[They wait for another minute.]

R2-D2: Tweet (“This is hopeless. I’m going to have a look round the back.”)

C-3PO: I’ll wait here.

[R2-D2 exits left to survey the circular perimeter of the palace-fort’s outer walls. The sun begins to set in the distance. Another ten minutes go by and nothing happens. C-3PO knocks on the door again. A quarter of an hour goes by and R2-D2 returns, entering from the right.]

C-3PO: Does it look like anyone’s in?

R2-D2: Tweet-bleep-beep (“I couldn’t tell. There’s not a single bloody window as far as I can see.”)

C-3PO: That’s a shame. Such a sunny planet. You’d think they’d prefer a bit of natural light to brighten the mood. But I suppose the view’s not up to much. Did you check the roof, to see if there were skylights?

R2-D2: Beep beep (“How do you expect me to get up on the roof?”)

C-3PO: With those rockets you keep in your legs, of course.

R2-D2: Beep (“What you on about?”)

C-3PO: R2-D2… has your wiring become so defective that you’re suffering robodementia? Fly up with your rockets!

R2-D2: Bleep, whistle (“Oh yeah. I forgot all about them. You know, I don’t think I’ve used these rockets for twenty years. I feel I right Charlie, I tell you. I just got a Stannah stairlift fitted in master Skywalker’s townhouse, so I could get up and down the stairs. I completely forgot I could just fly up and down anytime I liked.”)

C-3PO: Well, go on then, you stupid bucket of bolts.

[R2-D2 flies off, going vertically straight up until out of view. C3P-O waits patiently and quietly. Another ten minutes pass before R2-D2 returns.]

C-3PO: Well?

R2-D2: Bleep tweet (“Well what?”)

C-3PO: Well, the sun has nearly gone down and we’re still outside, that’s what. Did you see anything?

R2-D2: Beep (“I did have a pretty good view from up there. But it’s mostly desert round here.”)

C-3PO: Was there a window? Is anyone in?

R2-D2: Bleep-tweep. Beep. (“Oh sorry. I completely forgot about that. I just got carried away flying around for the first time in years. Let me go have a look again.”)

[As R2 is about to take-off, the doors start to open. A Gamorrean, a green-skinned cross between a pig and a human, comes out. It wears a wide-brimmed hat, carries a shopping bag and leans on a walking cane. After closing the door, it takes out a key and careful turns it in the lock. Then it turns, noticing the droids for the first time.]

Garmorrean: (Startled, speaking in a high pitch female-falsetto voice) Ooh, you gave me a fright. You shouldn’t creep up on people like that. I was just going to do me shopping.

R2-D2: Beep-tweet (“We’re here to see Jabba the Hutt.”)

Garmorrean: I’m sorry, I don’t understand beep-beep talk, deary. Speak-a-dee-ING-LISH?

C-3PO: I speak English, ma’am.

Garmorrean: Well, how can I help you then?

C-3PO: We want to speak to Jabba the Hutt.

Garmorrean: What’s that? I’m a bit hard of hearing, duck.

[C-3PO awkwardly ducks for cover as if somebody might be firing at him.]

C-3PO: Oh no!! Are we in danger?

Garmorrean: No deary. ‘Duck’ is a colloquial form of address. I thought you said you spoke English?

C-3PO: It must be one of the dialects I’m not so familiar with.

Garmorrean: Well, I can’t stop here chatting all day. The shops close in half an hour. (She looks at the setting sun.) And I don’t want to be carrying my groceries home with those cheeky sandpeople about, neither. Last time they pinched me choccy digestives, they did. Went right up to my bag and grabbed it off the top, then ran away on one of those fast-moving Bantas of theirs. I’m too old to chase after them these days, I tell you ducky.

C-3PO: Very good, but I assure you we have no interest in chocolate-covered snacks designed to accompany a pot of tea. We’re here to see Jabba the Hutt.

Garmorrean: Shabba the mutt? We don’t keep any dogs.

C-3PO: Jabba the Hutt.

Garmorrean: Abba the Zutt? Sounds like a rock band.

C-3PO: (Shouts) Jabba the Hutt!

Garmorrean: Pat on the butt? Ooh, cheeky! I’m too old for all that. (She points at C-3P0’s nether regions with her cane) And it doesn’t look like you’re fitted with all the parts I need, either.

C-3PO: (Shouts as loud as he can) Jabba the Hutt!!! We want to see Jabba the Hutt!!!

Garmorrean: Oh, it’s Jabba the Hutt you want to see, is it? He’s so lah-dee-dah. Jabba the Hutt. Why doesn’t he just call himself Jabba? Everyone can see he’s a Hutt. He’s thirty-foot round and slithers like a great fat greasy snail. Then again, I suppose calling himself ‘the Hutt’ helps to distinguish him from Jabba the Jawa, Jabba the semi-human, and Jabba the we’re-not-quite-sure-what-he-is-but-we-know-we-don’t-much-like-the-look-of-it.

C-3PO: Is he in?

Garmorrean: Who?

C-3PO: Jabba the Hutt!!!

Garmorrean: You’ve come to the wrong address, deary. His house is in the next rocky escarpment over. (She points with her cane in the direction of the setting sun.)

R2-D2: Bleep-tweet (“I said we should have checked on Google Maps before setting off.”)

C-3PO: (Raises his hand to his eyes, to shield them from the light.) I can’t see any escarpment.

Garmorrean: That’ll be because it’s over the horizon.

C-3PO: (Disappointed.) Oh. So it’s a long walk then?

Garmorrean: I should say so. Three days by foot. Come to mention it, how did you get out here in the first place?

C-3PO: We took a taxi from Mos Eisley.

Garmorrean: Oh, those taxi drivers. I bet you hailed an illegal cab, didn’t ‘cha? None of them know where they’re going. It’s lucky he took you to me and not to one of those droid recycling centres run by the Jawas. It’s late now. Not safe for you to go walking about on your own. Tell you what, if you come with me and help carry me shopping, tomorrow morning I’ll give you a lift over to Jawa’s in my landmoderater.

C-3PO: Your landmoderator? What’s that?

Garmorrean: It’s like a landspeeder but for people who don’t want to get a fine for going too fast. They’ve stuck a load of cameras up in the last twelve months, and I can’t afford to pay a bleedin’ ticket each time I go to the shops.

R2-D2: Whistle-bleep (“Silly old bag. Come, let’s help her with her shopping before we seize rigid from listening to her boring conversation.”)

Garmorrean: (Strikes R2-D2 with her cane.) Cheeky!

R2-D2: Beep-bleep (“I thought you said you didn’t speak beep-beep language!?”)

Garmorrean: That’s right, but I can tell when a naughty little garbage can like you is giving me some trash talk!

R2 and ’3PO did not get very far, did they? Perhaps they will do better in the next installment of the Parallel George Lucasverse…

A long time ago in a galaxy not so far away… there started a saga. It was called Star Wars: Parallel Universe for it was quite like Star Wars but set in a parallel universe located half way between the imagination of George Lucas and the down to earth realities of this planet. In the last installment, which was entitled Yet More Empire Strikes Back: Parallel Universe, Han and Leia had upset Darth Vader’s tea party, and Luke was on his way to Cloud City to join them.

[Luke touches down his X-Wing at Cloud City.]

R2-D2: Beep, bleep, whistle (translates as: “why do we always have to fly towards danger?”)

Luke: (Laughs) Don’t worry R2. There won’t be any trouble. They gave us permission to land, didn’t they? That means they must be friendly. You know how hard it can be to find a parking spot in cities like this.

R2-D2: Bleep, hum-beep (translates as: “maybe so, but where do we go to get our parking validated?”)

…

[In the car alarm chamber, Chewbacca is wrestling and pulling at the bars on the ceiling. The repeated noise of a car alarm is driving him insane. The noise suddenly stops. Han Solo is thrown in through the door.]

Chewbacca: Growl-roar-growl (translates as: “how you feel, old buddy?”)

Han: Not too bad. They switched off the car alarm in my booth and put on some Country & Western music instead. Dolly Parton, I think the singer was called. I kinda liked it. That made them really mad so they punched me a few times and threw me in here with you.

Chewbacca: (Turns and attaches C-3PO’s head to his shoulders.) Roar-roar-roar-growl-whimper (translates as: “come, help me fix up C-3PO.”)

Han: (Sarcastic) Good idea. A protocol droid is just what we need to bust out of this joint. He can bore the guards to death.

C-3PO: (Coming to life) Oh no! I’ve been shot! Stormtroopers, here? I must warn the others. (Looks around) Oh hello. I seem to be a little disoriented.

Han: See what I mean. What’d we do without ’3PO?

[Leia is brought in by two stormtroopers.]

Stormtrooper Guard One: Here. We thought you’d be happier if you could all have a chat with each other.

[The stormtroopers exit.]

Stormtrooper Guard Two: Putting them all in the same cell – that seems a bit soft, doesn’t it? Why didn’t we put each of them into solitary confinement?

Stormtrooper Guard One: New rules. Prisoners have the right to socialize with each other. I hear the next thing on the cards is giving them the right to make a phone and to have legal representation. The Empire’s not what it’s cracked up to be, I tell you. I didn’t shoot Jedis in the back just to safeguard the rights of rebel scum.

[Back in the prison cell.]

Leia: Why are they doing this? They made me listen to Country & Western music until my ears bled. In other words, they made me listen to Country & Western music for a minute-and-a-half.

Han: (Groans) They never even asked me any questions. Peculiar, huh? I mean the troopers got a board game out – ‘Trivial Pursuits’ – and it’s basically a general knowledge quiz. But they wouldn’t ask let me play and wouldn’t ask me a single question. I tell you, if they let me answer the questions, I’d have had a couple of pieces of pie by now.

Leia: It must be another form of torture they devised.

Han: It was torture. I don’t know what they teach at stormtrooper school, but those guys are ignorant. I could have beaten them standing on my head. Which was appropriate, as I was tied upside down to the wall at the time.

[In walks Lando.]

Han: Get out of here Lando.

Lando: That’s exactly what I plan to do. Now shut up and listen. We’re going to make a break for it, in the Falcon. (Reaches out his hand) Give me the keys.

Han: You sell me out to the Empire, then want the keys to my ship? No way!

Lando: Have it your own way. I’ll hotwire it instead.

[Stormtrooper guards enter.]

Stormtrooper Guard Two: Come on, socializing time is over. Exercise time.

C-3PO: Goodie. I could do with stretching my legs. Wait! Where are my legs?

Chewbacca: (Holds C-3PO’s legs above his head.) Growl-whimper (translates as “Sorry, I haven’t had chance to reconnect them yet.”)

…

[In the freezing centre.]

Lando: We only use this facility for carbon freezing. If you put him in there, you might kill him.

Darth Vader: There’s no need to worry. Carbon freezing is just what we need. Solo is a carbon-based lifeform.

…

[Stormtrooper guards escort the prisoners to the freezing centre.]

Stormtrooper Guard Two: Why are we taking all the prisoners out, when they’re only going to freeze one of them?

Stormtrooper Guard One: Another namby-pamby rule about their rights. Last kiss goodbye, that kind of thing.

Stormtrooper Guard Two: Well, I suppose if my friend was being frozen, I think I’d be curious to watch.

Stormtrooper Guard One: Why? You might as well watch them freeze a bag of peas.

Stormtrooper Guard Two: I think I’d rather watch peas be frozen then listen to that Country & Western music. What fiend thought that torture up?

Stormtrooper Guard One: That would be Darth Brooks.

…

Darth Vader: Make sure Luke Skywalker makes his way to the freezing chamber. I want to fight him there. It should make for a good test of his skills – lots of staircases and places to jump around – and after he’s defeated, we won’t have to carry him far before we put him on ice. And it’s got a great, moody, colour scheme. All deep reds and blues. Nothing like the bland industrial plant you’d expect it to be. It’s a great place to have a fight with our light sabres.

Stormtrooper Captain: How do I do that?

Darth Vader: Excuse me?

Stormtrooper Captain: How do I lead Skywalker to the freezing chamber?

Darth Vader: I don’t know, use your initiative.

[The Stormtrooper Captain tilts his head to the side.]

Darth Vader: Ah yes. You clones don’t have much initiative, do you? Leave him a note saying “your friends are being held captive in the deep freeze chamber…” And make sure there’s plenty of signs saying “this way to the freezing chamber”. That should do it.

…

[The prisoners are led into the freezing chamber. They are lined up on the gangway.]

Chewbacca: (Strains at his manacles) Growl-bark (translates as: “if they didn’t have me manacled, I’d knock at least two of these stormtroopers over the edge before they shot me down.”)

C-3PO: Well I’m glad they tied your hands. I don’t want them firing at you whilst I’m still strapped to your back.

Chewbacca: Bark bark (translates as: “if I got you a blaster, you could cover my rear.”)

C-3PO: And if you reattached my legs, I could run away! Anyway, if you want your rear covered, you should get into the habit of wearing pants, you fuzzball nudist.

Darth Vader: (To Solo) We’re going to stick you in the freezer. Per the new regulations, you get a kiss goodbye before we stick you in.

[Han and Darth Vader both look to Leia.]

Leia: Don’t look at me. (To Han) You had your chance earlier, when there was nobody around. I’m not making a public spectacle of myself now.

[Han and Darth Vader both look to Chewbacca.]

Chewbacca: Growl-whine (translates as: “you’re a good friend, but you’re not my type.”)

[Han and Darth Vader both look to Lando.]

Lando: (Shrugs his shoulders) Han, why must we always fight whenever we see each other? You’re my buddy. Let’s make up. (He grabs Han Solo by either side of his face, and plants a kiss on the lips.)

Han: Great. Now I’m going to have nightmares about that kiss for as long as I’m frozen.

Lando: Buddy, there’s been something I’ve been meaning to tell you for a long time. I love you.

Han: I know. I’ve always known. And I’m not too happy about it. Please, somebody freeze me before this gets any worse.

[Solo is lowered into the freeze chamber, gas rises from the chamber and then a big grabber lifts Solo out, frozen into a solid block of carbonite.]

Lando: (Hugs the block of carbonite. Tearful.) Solo, why’d you have to be so cold-hearted?

Darth Vader: Enough of that. All of you scram. I want this chamber cleaned up before Luke gets here.

Leia: Does that mean we’re all free to go?

Darth Vader: Scram. Get out of here, before I change my mind. And take that rusty bucket The Millennium Falcon with you. I’ll have to haul it to the junkyard otherwise.

…

[Luke follows the signs to the freezing chamber. He unexpectedly pops up into the chamber via a trick lift. As he steps off the lift platform, the chamber lights up in red and blue.]

Darth Vader: The force is with you, young Skywalker, but you are not a Jedi yet.

Luke: That’s not what it says on this certificate (holds up the certificate from Yoda’s Jedi School).

Darth Vader: How many people do you think fail Yoda’s class? The only way you can fail that class is by failing to pay the bill.

Luke: True. Becoming a Jedi did cost me an arm and a leg.

Darth Vader: (Looking at his mechanical arms and legs.) Is that some kind of a joke?

Luke: No. I didn’t mean it like that. I’m not prejudiced against disabled people.

Darth Vader: What do you mean disabled? I’m perfectly able-bodied. Look. (He does a little jig to demonstrate. As he spins on the spot, Luke kicks him in the back, hurling him off the platform.)

Luke: Maybe so, but seems to me that you’re mentally challenged.

[Luke jumps down. Darth Vader and Luke continue their fight on a narrow platform overhanging a precipitous fall.]

Darth Vader: Perfect. I love fighting in places like these. One false move and you’ll be over the edge!

Luke: I think you went over the edge long ago.

Darth Vader: You know, you shouldn’t speak to your own father like that. It’s very disrespectful.

Luke: You’re my father?

Darth Vader: Oops. I was waiting for the right moment to tell you. Now I’ve just blurted it out.

Luke: So why are you trying to kill me then?

Darth Vader: I’m not trying to kill you. I’m just trying to overpower you so I can turn you to the dark side and complete your training.

Luke: Complete my training? Would I get a certificate? Would it improve my job prospects?

Darth Vader: Of course. It is your destiny to have a top job in the Empire. You’d have your own office, a secretary and an expense account. Join me and we can rule the galaxy as father and son.

Luke: (Excited) Wow! You’re offering me the position of co-Emperor?

Darth Vader: Sub-Emperor.

Luke: That doesn’t sound so hot.

Darth Vader: Junior Emperor.

Luke: That’s not much better.

Darth Vader: How about Assistant Emperor?

Luke: Make it Vice-Emperor, and it’s a deal.

Darth Vader: Okay then. Vice-Emperor.

Luke: Great! (Offers his hand to shake.)

Darth Vader: You’ve made me a very proud father. (Vader brings his arm around and reaches for Luke’s hand. He cuts Luke’s hand off with his light sabre. Luke’s hand is sent flying, falling into the abyss.) Oh, sorry…

Luke: Nooohh! Nooohhh! You cut off my right hand. That was my favourite one.

Darth Vader: It was an accident. I forgot I was holding my light sabre. But don’t worry, we’ll get you a new hand, just like mine. (Vader waves his fingers with one hand, and points at them with the other).

Luke: I’ll look like a freak. With one gloved hand I’ll look like Michael Jackson. (Luke nearly loses his balance on the edge).

Darth Vader: Careful Luke (Vader looks down at the fall beneath). Come with me. It is the only way.

Luke: Okay. (There is a gust of wind and Luke loses his balance, falling backwards.)

Darth Vader: Luke! (Vader grabs for his right hand, but with no hand to grab, he only gets a hold of Luke’s sleeve instead).

[Luke falls, leaving his jacket in Vader's grip.]

Darth Vader: Luke!

[Luke falls and falls, end over end, for a long time. He falls feet first into a narrow tube, and slides down and around until coming to a stop, completely unharmed.]

Luke: What a stroke! I thought I’d die for sure. I must have fallen several kilometres, but there’s not a scratch on me! Guess they’re right to call me ‘Lucky Luke’ after all.

[A trap door opens beneath Luke. He is left hanging to the underside of Cloud City by a TV antenna.]

Luke: I may have spoken too soon.

[A cloud blows past and the Falcon emerges from it, directly beneath Luke.]

Luke: Then again…

[Luke jumps down on to Falcon and climbs in through the top hatch.]

Luke: Leia, Lando, how did you know where I’d be?

Leia: How did you get on board? We’re just floating around because we can’t get the forward propulsion engines started.

Chewbacca: (Pulling out wires underneath the dashboard.) Growl (translates as: “I’ll get it started.”)

[The Falcon's main engines fire up. They make a speedy getaway.]

Luke: Wait! We can’t leave. I had a great job offer back there. And I left my jacket behind. Come to think about it, I left my hand behind too.

Leia: Luke, that’s the dark side talking. Don’t you know the Empire’s motto is ‘Give with one hand, take the other?’

This parallel universe will return, as will the Jedi, in Return of the Jedi: Parallel Universe. But you knew that already. Your powers are strong.

Somewhere between this universe and the imagination of George Lucas lies a wondrous place, made up of rude astrodroids and goofball jedis. It exists in a dimension parallel to The Empire Strikes Back and parallel to our own. In the last installment, we left the story with Han and Leia arriving at Cloud City, and Luke being trained by Yoda in the swamps of Degobah…

[Luke is doing a one-handed handstand, using his Jedi powers to levitate a rock and R2-D2, whilst juggling three balls with his free hand and twirling a hula hoop around one foot.]

Yoda: Concentrate. Feel the Force flow… yes. Good. Through the force, things you will see, other places, the future, the past, old friends long gone…

Luke: (Starts to laugh) You know, I was hanging out at Tosche Station this one time with Biggs, and he saw this girl… well we thought she was a girl…

Yoda: Concentrate, I said!

Luke: I was just telling you some of the stuff I was seeing, what with the Force and all. This Force is great. I’ll never need cable TV again.

[Luke drops one of the balls he was juggling.]

Yoda: Concentrate!

Luke: Okay. But there’s a new broadcast coming through. Ugh! Somebody’s being tortured… they were in pain…

Yoda: The future you see, your friends…

Luke: (Interrupts) I don’t recognize any of them. The victims mostly have brown skins. One is being tortured by having his fingernails pulled out. He is complaining that he’s a British citizen – what’s a British citizen? Some white guys in fancy suits occasionally look in the room and then leave again. When they leave they say that they’ve seen nothing wrong whilst they were in there and keep saying how this has nothing to do with something called ‘extraordinary rendition’. Then they stick their fingers in their ears and hum to block out the sounds of the screams… and then the screams get muffled because the put a bag over the victim’s head and pour water over him – it must be like drowning… how barbaric…

Yoda: Wrong, I was. Not the future. Another universe you must be seeing. More civilized tortures, The Empire uses. Waterboarding banned, according to their Health & Safety policy. Their preferred tortures are things like putting you in a room with a loud car alarm that keeps going off. Pretty annoying, after a while, that gets.

Luke: Wait, now I’m getting something new… there’s a guy in the central bank of planet Nigeriona. He’s got a message for me personally, even though we’ve never met. Somebody rich has died… nobody to inherit his wealth… I could have it all if only I send a small up-front payment to cover the administration charges to process my claim…

[Luke gets excited, and falls to the ground. The rock and R2-D2, who he was levitating, come crashing down as well.]

Yoda: Spam! Your filters, not working they are! Concentrate!

…

[Lando is escorting Leia, Han and company to their quarters on Cloud City.]

Leia: Are you telling me that this whole city is floating on thin air?

Lando: This planet is a gas giant. (Aside to Leia) But if you want to see something really gigantic, let’s go somewhere private…

Leia: No thanks. Now tell me, it must take a tremendous amount of energy to keep a city of five million people flying in the sky?

Lando: True. It’s very difficult to keep our city flying. We’re a small outpost and not very self-sufficient. We’ve had supply problems of every kind… we’ve had labour difficulties… but recently we found a fantastic new eco-friendly source of energy. Would you like me to show you?

Han: (Laughs) You sound like a businessman, or a responsible leader…

Lando: Sure I’m responsible… it’s the price you pay… (looks at Leia and winks) for being successful.

Leia: So you’re part of the mining guild then?

Lando: No, not actually. Our operation is small enough not to be noticed, which is advantageous for everybody since our customers are anxious to avoid attracting attention to themselves.

Han: Aren’t you afraid the Empire’s going to find out about this little operation, shut you down?

Lando: It’s always been a danger, and it looms like a shadow over everything we’ve built here. But things have developed that will ensure our security. Speaking of which… here’s the city’s new eco-power plant.

[Lando opens the door to the power plant and leads the heroes inside. Inside they see cage after cage containing little creatures that look like teddy bears - Ewoks. A big mechanical hand reaches down and picks up an Ewok by the scruff of its neck. It lifts him high in the air, then throws the Ewok - which makes a long 'eeeeee' sound as it falls - into an enormous furnace.]

Han: Urgh, what are these ugly little creatures called?

Lando: Ewoks. They’re a pestilence. They ruin everything they come into contact with. We have a deal with the Empire. They round them up and we humanely dispose of them.

Leia: By chucking them into a big fire?

Lando: They burn surprisingly well. Their insides are made of a kind of stuffing that is both soft and highly flammable. They breed like wildfire, they happily eat garbage, and they have no higher brain functions, all of which makes them an excellent and sustainable source of power.

[C-3PO wanders around a corner, a little out of sight from the rest of the group. He strays too close to an Ewok cage, and it grabs C-3PO's head, pulling it clean off.]

Leia: Well, I see no problem with burning these horrible little rodents. (In the background another Ewok falls – eeeeeeee – into the furnace.) But you say you did a deal with the Empire? I’m not exactly keen on them, you know.

…

[The local Jedi masters are enjoying their regular poker game at Jedi Master Tanah Lot's house on Degobah.]

Tanah Lot: I don’t think Yoda’s ever going to join us. (He throws some chips into the pile.) Call.

Bora Bodur: (Waves his fingers towards Tanah Lot.) You don’t want to call. You want to fold.

Tanah Lot: Puh-lease. You’re Jedi mind powers are too feeble to win that way. Stop trying to cheat and get on with the game.

[With Bora Bodur's attention distracted, Master Chechen Itcha uses his powers to briefly lift Bodur's cards from the table, and get a sneak peek.]

Bora Bodur: (Noticing his cards have moved) Oi! (He grabs his cards out of the air) You can’t look at my cards.

Chechen Itcha: Why not? I could sense you were bluffing all along.

Bora Bodur: Well, I can see the future, buddy. And in the near future you’ll be walking home after I win your car, as well as all your money and the shirt off your back.

Sha-na-ram-a-lang-a-ding-dong: Can’t we just play fair for once? Why does every poker game have to be spoiled by using Jedi powers?

Chechen Itcha: You’re only saying that ‘cos you’re winning. Let’s have a look at what’s up those sleeves… (Itcha uses his mindpowers to quickly roll up the sleeves on Sha-na-ram-a-lang-a-ding-dong’s jacket. Out falls the Ace of Spades.)

Sha-na-ram-a-lang-a-ding-dong: (Acting surprised) How did that get there?

Chechen Itcha: I knew it. I sensed you must be cheating. Nobody has luck that good.

Tanah Lot: (Sad) What a shameful bunch we are. We used to stand shoulder-to-shoulder, fighting for justice and freedom. Now we sit round a table, fighting amongst ourselves over a miserable game of cards. We’ve made our homes in a swamp. How did we fall so low?

Bora Bodur: It’s all the fault of Yoda. He went to kill the Emperor but then he chickened out and ran away. And why didn’t that idiot Kenobi kill Vader, when he had the chance? We could still be on Coruscant, luxuriating in the splendour of the Jedi Temple…

Tanah Lot: Come on, it sounds like some of us are getting tempted by the dark side.

Bora Bodur: Do they let you gamble for more than matchsticks on the dark side?

Tanah Lot: Yes, but…

Bora Bodur: And do they let you use your powers to become rich?

Tanah Lot: They do, but…

Bora Bodur: And if we swapped to the dark side, could we get out of this smelly swamp?

Tanah Lot: Yes, but…

Bora Bodur: But what? I say we do it.

Tanah Lot: But we’d end up slaves of the Emperor.

Bora Bodur: Better a slave in a palace than king of the swamp.

Tanah Lot: The Emperor will make us do his dishes, and clip his toenails, and maybe even wipe his bottom.

Bora Bodur: Still better than living in a swamp.

Tanah Lot: The Emperor will make us listen to lots of speeches about preserving the natural order and protecting the people and all that guff.

Bora Bodur: That’ll be no worse than listening to one of Yoda’s sermons. At least the Emperor can string together three words in the correct order.

Tanah Lot: We’ll be bored. We won’t have anyone to fight. We won’t be allowed to do diplomatic negotiation because the Emperor’s just going to kill everyone who disagrees with him. They could do the same trick they did before and get the stormtroopers to try and shoot us in the back.

Bora Bodur: I can live with that risk.

Tanah Lot: We’ll have to comply with the Empire’s environmental recycling policies. We’ll have to put our rubbish into seven separate bins. Green for compostables. Brown for glass. White for paper. Blue for plastic bottles. Yellow for other plastic. Red for tin and aluminium. Black for non-recyclable.

Bora Bodur: What’s compostables?

Tanah Lot: Garden waste, food scraps, stuff like that.

Chechen Itcha: What about cardboard? That’s compostable.

Tanah Lot: That goes in the white bin, with the paper.

Bora Bodur: Why are plastic bottles separate to other plastics?

Tanah Lot: I guess it’s not made of the same kind of plastic.

Chechen Itcha: And I bet they expect you to keep all seven bins inside your house. I prefer the recycling scheme we got here. Throw it in the swamp and let the monsters eat it all.

Bora Bodur: Okay, okay. You win. We won’t go to the dark side. That recycling guff sounds like a real bore. I bet the local authority just tosses it all into the same landfill anyway.

…

[Luke has completed his training, and Yoda hands him a certificate as a mark of his accomplishments. Obi-Wan Kenobi looks on approvingly. Luke takes a look at his certificate. His mood suddenly changes from happy to angry.]

Luke: Hey, you spelled my name wrong! It’s Sky-walker, not Ski-walker. What kind of a stupid name is Ski-walker?

Yoda: Name as stupid as Sky-walker, it is. At least you can walk on skis. Seen anyone walk on skies, have you?

Luke: At least I have a surname.

Yoda: Certificate, give me. (He grabs it out of Luke’s hand.)

Luke: What are you doing?

Yoda: Certificate, change I will. (Yoda crosses out ‘Skiwalker’ and writes in ‘Skywalker’ instead. He hands it back to Luke).

Luke: (Frowning whilst staring at his messed-up certificate.) That’s just great. I paid double the standard rate for this?

Obi-Wan: Be happy Luke. You’ve just joined the ranks of the Jedi, and in record time too. Now you can go and save your friends on Bespin.

Luke: What?!?!? Are they in danger?

Obi-Wan: Yes. Very serious danger.

Yoda: (To Luke) Ready to face Vader, you are not.

Luke: That’s not what it says on my certificate. (Luke points at the small print which states he is ready to fight Sith Lords.)

Yoda: Yourself, suit you will. But if you fight Vader and lose, refund, none, you’ll get.

Luke: Han and Leia will die if I don’t go.

Obi-Wan: You don’t know that. Even Yoda cannot see their fate.

Luke: Man, you Jedis keep changing your tune. One minute you’re seeing the future, the next you have no idea. I’m outta here…

Obi-Wan: This is a dangerous time for you, when you will be tempted by the dark side of the Force.

Luke: I can believe that. (Waves his certificate) I bet they’re more careful with spelling people’s names on the dark side.

Yoda: No. They’re not. I lost count of how many times, my name, they got wrong. “Yoga”. “Yo-yo”. Even a “Jojoba” once.

[Luke climbs the ladder to the cockpit of the X-Wing.]

Luke: I don’t care about that. (To R2-D2) R2 – fire up the converters!

Obi-Wain: Luke! Don’t give in to hate. That leads to the dark side.

Yoda: Strong is Vader. Mind what you have learned. Save you it can.

Luke: I will. And I’ll return, I promise.

R2-D2: Bleep, flurp (translates as: “You can come back if you like, but you’ll never see me back in this sh*thole.”)

[Luke's X-Wing takes off.]

Yoda: (Sighs) Told you I did, reckless is he. Now, matters are worse.

Obi-Wan: That boy is our last hope.

Yoda: No. There is another.

Obi-Wan: There’s another?

Yoda: Yes. Forget to mention, did I?

Obi-Wan: You did forget! Who is it? Is it Geoff Quantumslayer, from the planet Ibanjii?

Yoda: No.

Obi-Wan: Is it Anastasia Gridfunklier, on Pakrik Minor?

Yoda: No.

Obi-Wan: (Impatient) Well, why don’t you tell me who it is then?

Yoda: It’s… me! A comeback, I was thinking of making. The moves, I’ve still got!

Obi-Wan: You stupid old frog. You can’t jump around like you used to.

Yoda: (Dejected at Obi-Wan’s dismissive attitude.) Maybe you’re right. Let Skywalker and his sister do all the work, we should.

Obi-Wan: His sister? Do you a think a girl is up to the job? There’s not many girls who got far in the Jedi ranks.

Yoda: How could they? With you and Windu chasing every bit of skirt.

Obi-Wan: Speak for yourself. I lost count of how many of your female padawans gave birth to children with green pointy ears.

Yoda: Right, you are. If given women an equal chance, maybe we’d have had the numbers to defeat the Emperor.

Obi-Wan: Still, I remember this time I was training one young filly. She was strapping, well-built (he gestures as if cupping two large breasts.) I was giving her the old mind powers, you know… ‘you will undo your bra strap… you will undo your bra strap…’ but she was having none of it. Then old Mace Windu came along, and you know what he was like, and he whispered in my ear: “On this one’s planet, they’ve got three sexes. And this one ain’t one of the two that’s compatible with the equipment you’re packing…” The bugger had found out when he’d tried to bed her the night before! (Laughs.)

Yoda: (Laughing, wiping a tear from his eye) Happy days. (Yoda turns) To home, I shall go. Maybe still playing poker, they are.

Obi-Wan: Can I come?

Yoda: I think not. Like you looking at everyone’s cards, they don’t.

Obi-Wan: Oh, go on. You know how boring it is for me, being a disembodied spirit.

Yoda: Alright. But only if you promise to tell that story about you, Windu and those identical twins from Vandor-3.

…

[Han and Leia are alone in their guest quarters on Cloud City.]

Leia: Something’s wrong here. No-one has seen or knows anything about ’3PO. He’s been gone too long to have gotten lost.

Han: (Puts his hands on Leia’s shoulders and kisses her on the forehead.) Relax. I’ll talk to Lando and see what I can find out.

Leia: I don’t trust Lando. He’s in league with the Empire!

Han: Well, I don’t trust him either. He cheats at cards! I only beat him because I cheat more! Besides, we’ll soon be gone.

Leia: Then you’re as good as gone, aren’t you?

[Han leans across to give Leia a smooch.]

[Chewbacca enters. He is carrying a box containing the dismembered parts of C-3PO.]

Leia: (To Chewbacca) Don’t you ever knock?

Han: What happened to ’3PO?

Chewbacca: Roar-growl (translates as: “Those Ewok rodents pulled ’3PO to bits!”)

Han: (Laughs) Hey, you should go easy on those ugly little fuzzballs. They’re kind of like your miniature cousins. They even have a similar name. EEE-Wok. Wok-EEE.

[Chewbacca motions to rip Han's arms out of his sockets.]

Han: Hey, hey, I was just kidding!

[Lando comes in.]

Leia: Doesn’t anyone knock round here?

Lando: Sorry, am I interrupting anything?

Leia: Not really. (Aside) Not since Chewbacca interrupted already.

Lando: I’m glad to hear it. You look absolutely beautiful. You truly belong here with us among the clouds.

Leia: I think I’ll keep my feet on the ground, thank you.

Lando: Will you join me for a little refreshment? Everyone’s invited of course.

Chewbacca: Growl. (translates as “I’m parched. I could really do with a beer.”)

Han: If you’re buying, I’m drinking!

Leia: (Frowning at Han) Looks like I’ve nothing better to do either.

Lando: (Noticing C-3PO in the box) Having trouble with your droid?

Han: No. He’s the latest Lego™ model. We took him to bits so we could rebuild him as a go-kart and take him for a spin.

Lando: Robots in disguise? What will they think of next!?! This way…

[Lando leads Chewie, Han and Leia to the tea rooms.]

Lando: I’ve got a very special guest I want you to meet…

[Lando opens the doors to the tea room. Darth Vader sits at the far end of a long table, sipping tea with Boba Fett. Han pulls his blaster and starts shooting at them.]

Darth Vader: (Stands up) Mr. Solo, (raising his hand to absorb the blaster shots) I see your reputation is well-deserved. You really do shoot first.

[Vader uses his powers to make Han's blaster fly from Solo's grip, into Vader's own hand.]

Leia: What do you want?

Boba Fett: I’d like the buttered scones, please.

Darth Vader: I think she was talking to me.

Boba Fett: Oh, sorry. You go ahead and order first. I’m only eating to be sociable anyway.

Darth Vader: She’s not the waitress. She’s Princess Leia Organa. I was hoping they’d join us.

Leia: Join you!?! I’ll never side with the Empire!

Darth Vader: No, I meant join us for tea. They really brew a very good cuppa. Though it’s darn tricky to drink it through this facemask. I use a straw, see? (Vader points at the drinking straw in his teacup.)

Lando: (Holding Han back) What do you think you’re doing? You’re upsetting my new business partner. Lord Vader supplies us with Ewoks for the furnace.

Han: He’s here to get us, you fool.

Darth Vader: No I’m not. I just want Luke Skywalker. There’s no need for any hostility between any of us. Let’s just sit and talk and share some tea whilst we wait for Luke.

Boba Fett: Actually, I’m here for them. At least, I’m here for Solo. He parked in Jabba the Hutt’s space, and he didn’t pay the fine.

Darth Vader: Well, you’ll just have to wait your turn. I want to chat to Mr. Solo and Princess Leia and Chewbacca first.

Leia: What do you want with us?

Darth Vader: I don’t want anything but for us to sit down and enjoy some tea and wait for Luke Skywalker to come and rescue you. He’s on his way already. Once he arrives, you’ll be free to enjoy the remainder of your stay on Cloud City, or leave whenever you like.

Leia: That sounds too good to be true.

Darth Vader: What do you want me to do? Do you want me to torture you? To be frank, I might have done that in the old days, but now I can’t bring myself to go through all the Health & Safety paperwork that comes with it. Anyway, about the worst we can do these days is to make you listen to a car alarm going off repeatedly. It does get pretty annoying after a while.

[A waiter arrives, carrying C-3PO in the box. He hands it over to Han and Chewbacca.]

Waiter: Excuse me, gentlemen. I believe you left your droid in your quarters. Lord Vader requested that your droid join the party.

Darth Vader: (Upset to see C-3PO in bits) WHAT!!??!?! What have you done to ’3PO? He was the first robot I ever built. ’3PO was a gift for my mother. Now look what you’ve done to him. He’s in bits and pieces!!!

Han: Hey, it wasn’t us. It was the Ewoks.

Darth Vader: A likely story. (Picks up C-3PO’s head and speaks to it) What have they done to you? (Turns to Boba Fett) Alas, I knew him well. I built him with my own hand. (Vader gestures with his hand) Not this hand, of course. I built him with the hand I had before it got chopped off and replaced by this one. I tried to build this hand too, but I couldn’t do it on my own. I needed a hand. (Turns to Han and Chewbacca) I was just going to let you two go, but pulling old ’3PO to bits is an outrage. I’ll make you pay for hurting my mum’s protocol droid! Guards!

[A squadron of stormtroopers come running in.]

Darth Vader: Guards, escort these two (points at Han and Chewbacca) to the car alarm chamber…

To be continued…