Bonkers Bond Bloodshed

Imagine the scene. You have had a hard enough day already, captured by the enemy after karate chopping and shooting just about as many as was humanly possible. You are strapped to a table top that is actually a massive block of gold. Then the baddie fires up a huge laser which inches its way up towards your ‘nads. Not a pleasant way to die, but it does at least give rise to the immortal lines:

“Do you expect me to talk?”

“No Mr. Bond, I expect you to die!

And here is that scene again, from the classic Bond movie Goldfinger

Bond baddies have a penchant for exotic and overly complicated ways of killing people. When they capture Bond, the baddies then turn their backs, close their eyes and count to one hundred to see if Bond escapes… which he invariably does. However, the most recent Bond movies, starring Daniel Craig, are sadly lacking baddies with the same imaginative flair for exterminating the only secret agent who needs no introduction. In Quantum of Solace, the evil Dominic Greene tries to kill bond with an axe. An axe?!? How pathetic. If I was Bond’s nemesis, I would aim to finish him off with a real sense of over-the-top style. Here is my top five of bizarre Bond butchery that neverwas but shouldvebeen.

5. Bondue Fondue

This is much like the Goldfinger laser beam scenario, except Bond is strapped to an enormous block of Red Leicester which is being slowly fed into a giant mechanized grater. Just to be on the safe side, whatever makes it out the other side is melted down and eaten with some nice fresh bread.

4. Card Sharp

I face Bond across the Baccarat table. The croupier deals the cards and as he does, I shout ‘Hey Bond, look at that sexy bird behind you!’ Bond is not fooled but it does not matter anyway. I grab the mechanized card shuffler and fire a stream of razor thin, diamond tipped cards straight at his chest. Ironically, his heart is punctured not by the Jack of Hearts, but by the Seven of Clubs, which proves to be non-lethal. As Bond is pulling the card out and trying to regain his composure, I beat him to death with seven juggling clubs purloined from the circus act appearing in the casino’s stage show.

3. A Brake from the Norm

Bond and I are driving side by side, at speed, down a winding Swiss mountain road. The front passenger side wheel of my car contains a flamethrower, which is of no use as Bond’s car proves to be fireproof. Luckily, I told the garage mechanic to tamper with Bond’s brakes when he took his Aston Martin in for its MOT earlier that day. Unluckily, the mechanic was a double agent and he tampered with mine whilst I was waiting for my MOT. Unfazed by my inability to stop, I just crash into the hillside and let my air bags save me. Bond parks up and checks to see if I am alive. As he walks towards me, my henchman leaps out of his pre-arranged hiding place and steals Bond’s car. Flummoxed, Bond runs after him, losing his footing on a patch of black ice, causing him to slide right off the mountainside. As he falls, Bond saves himself from a sheer drop by grabbing hold of some shrubs whose weak roots are barely strong enough to bear his weight. I open the boot of my car and pull out my pet albino goat, which obediently climbs down and eats the shrubs, causing Bond to fall to his death.

2. Spicy Peparami

According to the adverts, the hottest version of this salted pork sausage snack product is considered to be hot enough that anyone eating it would agree that it tastes quite hot. To fool Bond, I first offer him the spicy Peparami, then a cooling glass of water. The ice cubes in the water have been made with a deadly toxin at their core. As they melt the poison is subtly released, making the odour and taste of the poison difficult to detect. Of course, Bond will still detect the poison with his exceedingly well-trained nose, which is why this plan is a double-bluff. The real aim is to wait until Bond sticks his hooter in the glass and starts sniffing around, and when he is thoroughly distracted doing that, I pull out a gun and shoot him.

1. Never Say Die

In this scenario, I live a virtuous life and never break the law. I never drop litter and I attend church on Sundays. Frustrated, there is nothing Bond can do to stop me spending my days in such dull pursuits that the Archbishop of Canterbury seems like a lascivious smackhead in comparison. Forty years go by and Bond dies of old age and boredom. Hah! Let him try to escape that fate…

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